Summary: Sequel to Dirty Little Secret
Pairing: strong Rachel/Quinn
Notes: Everyone wants to be better, but it's never that easy
Warning:
Disclaimer: I won nothings but the random rambling of which occur in my brain. Glee and any other copyrighted content used belongs to the respective owners.
She was lost in a world of her own. She'd finally managed to put Charlie down to sleep after a sleepless night and despite being utterly exhausted she just couldn't shut her mind off. She had no idea what compelled her to this, she'd had a vague thought but she didn't think it was the reasoning behind her actions. She wasn't even aware of the tears streaking down her cheeks or the soft sniffling coming from her. Her eyes were too busy scrutinising her appearance, her mind attempting to remember the girl she used to be. She never heard the key in the lock, the dull thud of the door as it closed or the creak of the sixth step on the stairs.
She peaked her head into the nursery, half expecting to find her fiancee half asleep in the rocking chair but only discovered Charlie peacefully sleeping. She crept across the hall, worried that any loud noise would wake the small child she considered her own. She stopped in the doorway, her greeting dying on her lips as her eyes took in the chaos of clothes strewn across the floor before locking onto the trembling figure stood in front of the mirror.
"Rach?" she called softly, taking a tentative step towards the woman she loved. At school she was surprised that Rachel managed to stay awake through classes, especially when the brunettes head had started to droop during lunch. She knew that it'd been a bad night with Charlie and she was expecting to come to the Berry household after dropping Beth at Puck's to find the diva curled up passed out somewhere. She couldn't have anticipated this. This was so far from her mind that she'd never thought that it could be a possibility.
She felt naked and not in a good way. This wasn't like being naked with a lover, this was stripped bare and scrutinised, this was judged, this is what had cost her. She wouldn't give in, couldn't give in. She wanted to fight back. She was fighting back and it took every ounce of strength she possessed. She could smell the air in the alleyway. Hear his words in her ear. Feel his hot, sticky breath on her skin, the drag of denim against her calfs, the bite of his teeth as they broke skin. Her fingers went against her will as they traced the scar along her collarbone, the permanent reminder.
"Rachel..." she took another step closer, she wanted so badly to reach out to her fiancee but for the first time since the first time they'd made love, she was truly afraid of touching the love of her life. She couldn't understand what the girl was doing, why she was doing it when it was so clearly causing her pain.
Her eyes rake from bottom to top. Starting with her feet, slowly advancing to her calves and suppressing a shudder at the sensations assaulting her senses, chocolate orbs continue upwards, noticing the hint of white scarring above her knee just visible from the way the material of her skirt that had bunched in her haste to put it on before she backed out. For the first time in over a year she was in a skirt, what used to be one of her favourites but now it only made her feel sick. Onwards and upwards, her eyes took in the slightly tighter fit of her old sweater, she was by no means overweight, far from it but she still hadn't shed all the baby weight and it was highlighted by her old fitted sweater. The further up she went the tighter the sweater became, barely able to encompass her swollen breasts that had grown three sizes during her pregnancy and apparently weren't going anywhere anytime soon. She was grateful that her shaky hand had fallen to her side, no longer tracing the scar, allowing for the sweater to conceal it's existence. Her eyes drifted to her face, she looked like she could drop at any given moment from exhaustion and she felt it, she felt the weight of her tiredness in every aching limb. She wished she could look away, to shut the part of her mind that was replaying the images of the most horrific moment of her life. As her eyes finally reached the reflection of her own she caught the sight of the anxious blonde hovering behind her. "Quinn..."
"Rach...what are you doing?" her tone wasn't accusatory, it wasn't demanding, it was soft, gentle, barely a whisper for fear of startling the girl in front of her.
"Quinn..." she began to tremble violently, the reality of what she was doing catching up to her as her senses were flooded with sensations of her past. "Quinn..." she let out a strangled sob, her eyes silently pleading, begging for help to get her out of the situation she had put herself in.
"Hey," the blonde hurriedly stepped forward and wrapped her arms protectively around Rachel's waist as she tried to keep them both upright, afraid that the brunettes sobs would render them to the floor.
"Quinn..." she clung desperately to the arms around her as she finally allowed herself to give in to the exhaustion and battery of emotions as she began to sob. Why did she do this to herself? What had she been thinking? She didn't have the answers. All she had was the crushing weight pressing down on her.
She could've sworn she felt her heart physically shatter. The girl in her arms had been doing so well, it was almost easy to forget that she was still healing. How could she have been so selfish as to not see this coming? There hadn't been any warning signs though, no vague references towards the urge to try and wear a skirt or a dress, no increase in nightmares or flashbacks, no mention of the event at all. She gently guided them through the trail of clothes that littered the floor and guided them to the bed, carefully sitting her fiancee down on the edge. She was afraid to let go of the tiny diva, afraid that if she did the girl would break even further but she knew what she needed to do, she knew how she could help because right now Rachel wasn't able to form a coherent thought as to how to help herself. "Let's get you out of these and into some sweats and a t-shirt."
She nodded dumbly, she knew that Quinn was right, she needed to get out of what she was wearing and cover herself, protect herself but she was so tired, she had no idea how she was supposed to move when it burned to breathe, each sob catching in her throat.
Quinn reluctantly released her hold and darted to the drawers, grabbing the first pair of sweats and the largest t-shirt she could find, she could've searched the clothes on the floor, granted there were plenty of them but that would've taken longer and she knew that Rachel needed to get changed as fast as humanly possible. "Ok, arms up," she waited for the girl to comply before peeling off the sweater, her eyes catching sight of the scars and her mind instantly going to the first time she had helped Rachel change, the first time her eyes had seen the damage on the flawless skin. She tossed the sweater aside, not really caring where it landed and slipped the t-shirt over brunette hair, rolling the material out until it completely covered Rachel's upper half. Her fingers went straight to the zip of the skirt, "Stand up for me, baby," she tugged the material until it pooled around tan feet, she noticed the indentation mark where the skirt had been biting into skin from being too small, and helped her fiancee step into the sweats before tugging them up until they were secure around the waist.
Rachel allowed herself to be pliable in the blondes hands, too tired to even try and put up a fight even if she wanted to. She felt a wave of relief as her legs were finally covered again. She couldn't believe she'd been so foolish as to try this, not when she'd been doing so well without flashbacks, she still had nightmares occasionally but they were a byproduct of what had happened and not a replay of the event itself.
She climbed onto the bed, settling between the pillows, gently tugging her lovers hand until Rachel was curled up against her, the sobs slowly quietening into sniffles and hiccoughs as the girl began to calm down. Quinn slowly slid her fingers through the dark mane uttering quiet reassurances to the clearly shaken young woman pressed against her. "It's ok, Rach, I got you. You're ok, baby."
The act of crying combined with the sensation of fingers running through her hair, finger nails lightly grazing her scalp proved to be the thing to finally allow her to succumb to her exhaustion and her eyes drifted shut, her hand fisted in her fiancees dress.
"What fresh hell is this?" he demanded as he took in the state of the room.
Quinn lifted her head up to focus on the man in the doorway and brought her free hand up to her mouth, a single finger pressing against her lips urging Leroy to be quiet.
"Sorry," he hushed, stepping into the room so he wouldn't have to raise his voice as much, "what happened?"
"I don't know yet but she's wiped."
"I can see that. Is everything ok?"
Her delicate features became marred with a frown, "I honestly don't know, but it will be."
Leroy's gaze lingered on his daughter, worry shining from his eyes, "Have you got it all under control?"
"Yeah, we'll be ok. Leroy, I hate to ask but do you think you could watch Charlie for a bit? Rach really needs the sleep and I think if I try to move I'll wake her up."
"Not a problem," he nodded, "you take care of my daughter and I'll take care of yours."
"Thank you."
"Try and get some rest, Quinn, you look a little tired yourself," he said kindly.
"I'll try," she knew she wouldn't get any sleep, she was far too concerned about Rachel and busy trying to figure out just what she'd walked in on earlier.
"I'll catch you girls in a little while."
It'd not long gone past eight o'clock when she awoke with a jolt.
"You're ok, Rach. You're safe," she uttered against the top of dark hair, her hand now stroking small circles against her loves back.
"Oh God," she groaned as she tried to centre herself in reality, sure the dream had happened, it was real, but it wasn't happening now and that's the thing she tried to focus on. The soothing movements against her back and the warmth of the feminine body against hers helped her to distance herself from the thing that had woke her. She buried her face against Quinn's neck, inhaling the scent of the blondes perfume and skin, and took comfort in the familiarity of it. "I'm sorry."
Quinn rest her head against Rachel's and let out a small sigh, her girl was slowly coming back to her, "You've done nothing to be sorry about."
"I didn't mean to break on you, again."
"Shhh. It's ok. It's what I'm here for. You help me and I help you," she reassured, "we're a team."
Silence lapsed between the two, neither entirely sure what to say to the other about what had happened. Eventually she gave into the guilt coursing through her, "I'm sorry about earlier."
"What were you doing, Rach?"
"I..." she swallowed the lump in her throat, "I wanted to see if I could."
"Why?" the golden haired beauty enquired, "What made you want to see if you could?"
A hint of embarrassment tinged her voice, "I want to be able to wear a dress when we get married..."
"Oh sweetheart," she wrapped her arms tighter around her fiancee and pulled her so that she were lying on top of her, "that doesn't matter. Do you really think I care about what you wear when we get married? All I care about is you being there and getting to marry you. You could turn up in what your wearing now with bed head and spit up on your shoulder and I'll still want to marry you."
Rachel nodded against Quinn's chest, her ear pressed against the other woman's chest and listening to the steady beating heart beneath the layers of muscle and skin. "It's not just that," she finally admitted.
"Then what is it?"
"I just," she heaved a great sigh, "I want to be better before we leave for New York. I want to be able to wear skirts and dresses and go to the park and not be scared if a guy looks at me a little too long or a certain way. I want to be able to leave everything that happened here in Lima so we can start fresh in New York without him shadowing over anything."
"Forcing yourself into things that you aren't ready for isn't going to help you, it's probably going to do the exact opposite. This isn't a race, you're still healing and that's ok, some things take longer to heal than others and I'm sorry to say that this is one of those things." Quinn pressed another kiss to the top of Rachel's head. "But Rach, you need to listen to me. He won't be shadowing over anything. Not you, not us, not the girls, not the many great things I know you're going to achieve because I would never let him, because you are so much stronger than you realise, because I love you too much to let him take anything else away from you."
"I'm just so tired, Quinn," she swiped at her eyes, "it just feels like no matter what I do, no matter how many great things I have in my life, I'm never going to be free of him."
"You will," she promised, holding Rachel tighter, "it's just like your voice. You thought he took it away from you and that you'd never really sing again but look at you now, you told me you wanted to marry me through that amazing voice of yours. This is the same, it's a never say never, because you will be free of him, everyday you get one step closer. I see you for what you are, you're not just a voice, a daughter, a mom, a fiancee, you're a warrior, Rachel and I know without a shadow of a doubt that you will get better and it won't have anything to do with him, or me, or anyone else, it'll all be on you because you are that strong."
"I don't deserve you."
"You're right, you deserve so much more."
Author's note: So I can't be arsed to do the dishes so you guys got this. I need a person. Someone that knows these characters as well as I do. Someone that can get on Skype or Kik (preferably kik) and listen to me ramble on and try to figure stuff out. Someone who doesn't care about getting major spoilers. Someone that can stop me from trying to kill anyone else (I told you there's a lot going on in my head). Someone that doesn't mind me sending them a message at 3 in the morning with oh my God what if this happened?! I don't want someone to proof read and ok chapters, the person I started writing DLS for does that and she's been happy with everything so far. I just need someone to help try and detangle all the words that are jammed inside my head.