I Should Have

from Larissa Szporluk's Solar Wind

I don't pray.
I just walk out there
Where it's thin
With my bow and aim.

But I should have yelled.
I should have changed the world.

Aethyta stood with the torn and bloody tunic of her youngest daughter in her hands. It was not possible. It was not possible that the kid would never get to dance at her matron initiation or decide if she wanted to take a bondmate or have kids. It was not possible that she wouldn't have the chance to change the world and dazzle them all. Look what she'd already done by 107; that couldn't be it! No, it was not possible that she'd never reach the age of matriarch where happy memories from a full life could blunt the edges of all the loss along the way. It was not possible. Aethyta told herself this as she searched through the debris and detritus of greed, poverty, and the Citadel's latest war, kicking scraps and cans and stones out of the way as her anger built. Why hadn't she stopped the kid when she got off the walkway, said something? Why hadn't she gone to Nezzie years ago and insisted on being part of the kid's childhood? NO! It was not possible that her kid, their kid, could be lying here in a dark corner like some bit of rubbish overtaken by the grudges and fears of a few sinister blue spiders. She scoured the area, and then again, turning and returning with a total lack of comprehension to the garment in her hand when she could find nothing else, nothing more.

"Lose something?"

Aethyta spun toward the sound and saw no one. Her eyes narrowed. She held up the tunic accusingly in the half-light. "If you've done this, I'll pound you into soup!"

"Strange attitude for an assassin." The voice now seemed to come from the opposite side of the alley. Aethyta turned her head, her body still. "Upset because somebody did your job for you? Beat you to the target?"

"Show yourself," Aethyta growled. "And I will show you what beat means!"

"Why? I did what had to be done." The voice grew quieter. The speaker had moved away. Aethyta thought she knew where. "You have all the proof you need."

Aethyta whirled, and with a flick of her wrist lashed out, a bright cord of energy burning through the air around the building's corner, striking with the speed and force of lightning. A black-clad figure slid across the garbage-strewn ground, choking, her neck caught in the cord's coils. Aethyta pounced. With her knee, she pinned the speaker's throat as the coils faded and lifted her fists, bright biotic daggers unfolding on either side of them. ""Because, bitch… Aethyta snarled, her voice deep and rough, "anyone who hurts my daughter…."

Her captive grabbed Aethyta's wrists as she looked up into Aethyta's narrowed eyes with wide open ones. "Aethy?!" She coughed.

"Anya!?" The daggers faded as Aethyta hesitated then threw Liara's bloody tunic in Anya's face as she stood up. "How could you?! She saved your ass … yours and Tevos's! Nezzie's your friend!"

Lidanya swiped the tunic off her face and slowly stood up. "Benezia put us all in jeopardy."

Aethyta's voice was low and tight as she clenched her fists. "That's a lie."

Lidanya brushed off her leathers, keeping a wary eye on Aethyta.

"It's a lie!" Aethyta repeated, raising both fists. "You don't know her like I do!"

Lidanya faced Aethyta, her expression sad. "I knew her well enough." She sighed and shrugged. "Or I thought I did, like everyone else."

"If you believe what they say about her, you never knew her!" Aethyta picked up the tunic again, holding it out toward Lidanya accusingly. "She was our kid, Anya." Her voice was very rough. "What have you done?" Tears glistened in her eyes.

"Aethy," Lidanya stepped forward, both palms lifted in front of her, her voice soft. "She still is your kid."

"What?" Aethyta blinked.

"She's okay." Lidanya went and quickly wrapped an arm around Aethyta's shoulders as Aethyta swayed. "She'd seen a commando following her. We didn't know it was you." She squeezed Aethyta's shoulders. "I didn't recognize you in that getup."

"She doesn't know …" Aethyta found herself shaking.

Lidanya squeezed her shoulders again. "I know, Mela."

"I thought you…" Aethyta stopped and forced herself to breathe deeply. She steadied.

"I know, but I didn't." Lidanya held her tight. "I probably couldn't. She's very strong."

"These are my mother's stupid leathers. I didn't know what else to wear." Aethyta pushed against her. "Let go."

Lidanya slowly relaxed her grip and let her arm loosen and slide off Aethyta's shoulders.

"But why were you…?" Aethyta turned toward her, brow wrinkled.

"I got called in to consult on some murders. Bad ones." Lidanya drew in a deep breath. "She is in trouble, Aethy." Lidanya walked toward where the barrel fire still burned, unattended.

"Hers?" Aethyta followed, her frown growing as Lidanya nodded. "But you didn't…?"

"Like you said, she saved my ass, and there was more to the story." Lidanya shook her head at Aethyta's inquiring glance. "I was looking for her anyway. Benezia's friends haven't forgotten her or her daughter. I was told to tell Liara that."

"By whom?" Aethyta grasped Lidanya's arm, halting her. The two were speaking quietly, in barely more than a whisper, but Aethyta watched Lidanya glance around at that question before answering.

"Mela, I can't say. I'm telling you more than I ought to as it is." The two exchanged a meaningful glance and walked over to the barrel. Lidanya scanned the area behind Aethyta, and Aethyta the area behind Lidanya. "She's a good kid though, you should be proud." Lidanya patted Aethyta on the back and resumed a more business-like tone. "I believe she'll get through this."

"What else would you expect," Aethyta brushed off Lidanya's hand, "with a mother like that?" She wiggled uncomfortably. The strap had wandered up again. She dug it out.

"One could never fault your loyalty." Lidanya did not do very well suppressing a smile. "That's supposed to go around your waist." She informed her, pointing. "That one too."

"Then fix it!" Aethyta demanded, turning her ass toward the other. "It's not like I was born wearing the damn things."

Lidanya regarded Aethyta's backside. "You'd have to take it off."

Aethyta snorted, turning back, "Like I'd give you the satisfaction." Actually, it'd serve Anya right if she mooned her.

"Stay still." Lidanya's smile grew. "That was a nice move, by the way." She mimed flicking her wrist before she moved behind Aethyta. "Where'd you learn it?" She reached for Aethyta's zipper. "One of your Eclipse friends?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." Aethyta swatted Lidanya's hand away. "You missed your chance. It can wait. Where's Liara? Take me to her."

Lidanya scanned the area and pulled Aethyta over by the wall. "We need to talk."

"You're stalling. Why?" Aethyta scowled.

"Liara's actually a lot like you." Lidanya gave Aethyta a meaningful look.

Aethyta rolled her eyes. "You mean she's stubborn." She waved a dismissive hand. "That could be from Nezzie."

"She's certainly resolute." Lidanya sighed again. "Actually, I meant loyal and devoted." Her voice dropped even lower. She shook her head. "I think Shepard's death has had a profound effect on her. They must have shown you the footage, but I'm telling you, I think it's true. I think they must have bonded shortly before the Normandy was attacked."

"One-hundred-and-seven, Anya," Aethyta shook her head. "She didn't know Shepard for more than a few months." She frowned. "Wait, are you trying to say she's easy?"

"Listen, you old hypocrite!" Lidanya bit her bottom lip and hesitated. "You never met Shepard."

"You can't be serious." Aethyta laughed. "Anya, the human was barely decades old."

"Yes, but there was something about her," Lidanya's expression took on a far away look, "like she had seen and done things no one else had, or could." She stared ahead unseeing.

Aethyta snapped in front of Lidanya's face. "That doesn't mean they bonded."

A subtle flush suffused Lidanya's cheeks. "Humans have such short lives, and given the risks Shepard faced in her line of work, Liara must have deemed it worth rushing into a bond with her after Saren was defeated. Then fate intervened, and the timing couldn't have been worse."

"Anya," Aethyta's brow wrinkled. "Did you ask Liara?"

Lidanya frowned. "I didn't." She laid a restraining hand on Aethyta's tensing forearm. "Don't be angry with her. I'm telling you Shepard was extraordinary, and many of her gifts were the sort particularly attractive to ours. You would have been all over her."

Aethyta glared at Lidanya, unamused and unappeased. "Bonded?!"

Lidanya returned her gaze unabashed. "I'm surprised you're not more understanding of Liara's choice. You act like you've never done an impetuous thing in your life."

"I'm a matriarch now. Plus, she's supposed to be smarter than I am! She's T'Soni." Aethyta's glare deepened to a scowl. "She is going through more pain right now than she can bear, but a broken heart can be that bad. It doesn't have to be bonding or some black wind mumbo jumbo."

"She doesn't know how to handle the loss, on top of, well, you know." Lidanya swallowed. "Aethy, she loved Shepard like you loved Benezia."

Aethyta's eyes narrowed. "More, apparently."

Lidanya's grip on Aethyta's arm tightened. "She needs you to show her how to get through this. She's not dangerous now, but she may become so. If she does anything worse... I did what I could."

"I've heard enough." Aethyta pushed Lidanya's hand off her arm. "Where is she?"

Liara stood near the main Fast Taxi terminus frozen in indecision.

As the glare of biotics faded, Liara recognized her attacker's face. "Matriach Lidanya!" She knew her from dinner parties at her mother's house.

The human child leaned away from the docks, dragging on her hand. It didn't want her to go.

Lidanya crossed her arms over her chest. "Why were you running?"

She told herself, I am Dr. Liara T'Soni. I can figure this out.

With a frown, Liara lowered her defenses. "Why did you attack me?"

To her right were the taxis to Thessia, where nothing waited but reminders of loss.

"You know why."

To her left, she could catch a taxi to the Terminus systems, and the horrible and necessary task of finding her bondmate's body. She needed to beg her forgiveness, to honor her and to say goodbye.

"I …," Liara drew in a deep breath and began again. "They tried to assault me and the child."

In front of her, taxis departed for the Alliance docks, and Earth. She could get her things, apologize to Doctor Chakwas for running out on her.

Lidanya's eyes widened. She took a step closer. "Child!? Liara, you're pregnant?!!"

Liara closed her eyes and pressed the fingertips of her free hand against the lids. Her thoughts whirled. The child tugged harder on her other hand, grunting. With both of his hands, he grasped her fingers and used all his weight, straining to pull her away.

"What!? No!" Liara backed away in alarm. "A human child those batarians kept as a slave. It was injured. I was taking it to Dr. Michel when they blocked the way, surrounded us."

She lowered her hand and looked down at the dirty little boy. He had found her as she made her way to the docks. How he had gotten free from his minders troubled her. How could humans be so careless?

"I saw what you did, Liara," Lidanya held out a hand. "Let me help you."

Goddess, what if she was pregnant? She hadn't meant to bond, hadn't known that she had. What if she had also, accidentally, done that as well? What if she was carrying Shepard's baby? Her breath hitched. It was just a chance remark, a misunderstanding. It had to be. Fear, doubt and hope suffocated her.

"I can't come with you." Liara backed away, avoiding the wall, one hand up to keep Lidanya at bay. "There's something I have to do, for Shepard."

Karin could check. Karin would know what to do. Would Karin know what to do? What could she do? She was too young to have a child, but to have Shepard's daughter…. The idea hadn't even occurred to her, but now that it did, her head spun. The child hung from her hand, adamant. What if it was true? What would, what should, she do? She shook her head. She wouldn't endanger Karin.

A moment passed, the two of them regarding each other. "What you need to do is accept help." Lidanya took another step toward her. "Liara, your mother's friends have not forgotten you. She is still beloved, and so are you. Let me help. You must know you need it."

Liara glanced down at the suit of light armor Lidanya had given her, thought of the untrackable credit chit tucked in its belt, the head start promised, the ruse planned to throw off her tracker. She considered the child. Before she left, she would make provision for him, and his little friends. She would not be careless, not anymore, not again. Guilt and grief clawed again at her throat.

"If you want to help me, there's a commando hunting me."

Even with the scope, Garrus wouldn't have seen her if he hadn't flipped through the thermal view on his way to the lenses for increasing the magnification. That's when he picked up movement in the alley. He watched the red indistinct figure shuffling, bending down and practically crawling back and forth. Hmmm. If that was Liara, things had gotten worse than he thought. He doubted that. Must just be a random scavenger.

Kyton had said something about an attack. He shifted a little and slowly scanned all around the figure. No other heat signatures. Wait, another figure up on that fire escape. Whoa, what a jump! The alley lit up, momentarily blinding him. Before it did, he saw some kind of bright rope. Biotics, so an asari, but not Liara. He'd never seen her do anything like that. Could Liara be the one she was attacking? He flipped through the filters on his scope, trying to get a better view. Another bright flash had him give up on the thermal view. Impatience and concern built up in him as he rapidly tried the other filters. Night vision would have the same weakness. Maybe he should just get down there, even though he had a better chance of helping from up here, with the element of surprise.

He hummed with satisfaction as an asari stepped out of the building's shadow. A commando, judging by the leathers. He swept her, looking for some ident, or mark of affiliation, and then saw it, the ripped green-and-white tunic in her hand. Blood spattered it, but he recognized it. His expression hardened as he aimed for the crevice between the asari's top purple-freckled crests. That was Liara's tunic. Seeing it, he decided it was time for a shoot first, ask questions later approach. He knew commandos could be impossible to interrogate successfully, and C-Sec had enough to do. The new trainees were idiots, anyway. He'd left them wandering around several allies away when he'd come up on the rooftops. His finger tightened on the trigger.

Wait, she was talking to someone. Maybe even Liara. It only required patience, and he would know. He eased up on the trigger. The building's corner obstructed his view. If they didn't walk this way, he'd have to move, set up again. He briefly scanned the rooftops with his scope, figuring out the next possible hide, before settling back to track the asari. If they got close enough for him to drop one of his mic dots on them, he'd hear what they were saying.

Damn, I'm good, he thought as they walked in his direction.

As the other asari came within his sights, he felt surprised and disappointed. It wasn't Liara, it was—Matriarch Lidanya?! Okay, forget the shoot first approach. Lidanya owed him. She would answer questions, and she could make the commando talk. He relaxed his grip on his sniper rifle's stock and sat up. Something cold and hard slid along the side of his head, and something heavy pressed down on his gun.

"Smart move, bird bones," chuckled the krogan battlemaster who decloaked with barely a flicker. One of his boots rested on the stock of Garrus' rifle. The side of his shotgun barrel rested against one of Garrus' mandibles.

Garrus yanked on his rifle. It crunched down into the gravelly rooftop with the increase in pressure from his captor.

"Try that again, and I'll snap it like the twig it is." The battlemaster tapped the side of Garrus' face with his shotgun. "Now get up nice and slow."

As Garrus got to his feet, he felt a biotic push knock him toward the roof door. Shepard had warned him about his habit of spectating and feeling too safe once he had taken up a position with his sniper rifle. He should have listened. The cold, hard barrel of the shotgun tapped the back of his head.

"Time to go meet my boss."

*Haunted will continue again while I finish its prequel, Broken. Thank you for your interest and patience!