Tucker
The club's crowded and noisy. It's also as hot as hell, the air conditioning completely unable to cope with the heat produced by so many bodies, but heck, we're still having a great time.
I don't think I ever imagined that Mal can dance like this. He's still a little paranoid about letting anybody get the wrong idea about us (well, the right idea actually) so he and I can't smooch or anything, but he's making sure I get a fabulous view of him showing off.
There's an old track he picked up from somewhere that he plays sometimes back in his cabin, usually when he's feeling real horny. I don't know who wrote it or anything, but I recognize some of the lyrics now: he must have gotten the DJ to turn up some cover version or other. He doesn't look at me, but there was this wicked little grin on his face as he got up from the table, and now I know why – he's tormenting me, getting his own back for the number of times I'm going to make Hoshi squeal like a piggy. Heck, if I told anyone on Enterprise they'd think I'd fallen asleep and dreamed it, but this is as real as it gets. Mister stick-up-the-rear Reed is bumping and grinding with the best of them, and the sight of his ass in those tight leather trousers makes me want so badly to put my hands all over it that I almost have to sit on them to keep them off him. The girls opposite him think it's for their benefit, but he's been careful to position himself directly opposite me, and now and again he rotates on the spot to show off more of his assets.
"If you're looking for your animal, hop in my cage…"
The shirt he's wearing molds itself to his body, showing off the curves of muscle that I've kissed and caressed, and the rhythmic thrusting of his hips to the beat reminds me of how they feel when they're naked against mine. There isn't a man or a woman on the ship who'd recognize him now, sinuous and seductive and gleaming with sweat, and I reach out and grab a beer and toss half of it down my throat in the attempt to cool the raw lust that surges up in me.
Technically, we're on the pull. It won't come to anything because we wouldn't do that to Hoshi, but in the meantime there's no crime in pretending and we can still enjoy the thrill of the chase. Soon we get chatting to a couple of pretty girls – mine's called Sarah, his is Leanne, and if things were different I'm guessing the evening would end in a couple of hotel rooms and some hot action. For a few moments I allow myself to imagine one hotel room and some really hot action, but the surge of guilt that follows this tells me my testosterone's gone way too far. Still, boys will be boys and men will be men, and our gorgeous girls seem to find us attractive. Makes a change from the luck we had on Risa, so maybe the contrast goes to my head a little.
The evening winds to an end. The music starts slowing down. The DJ puts on a few classics, and our girls seem to want to smooch.
Maybe it's the beer, and the heat. I don't think Hoshi will mind us having a few slow dances. I'll act like a Southern gentleman like I always do, and keep my hands off where they shouldn't go.
The floor fills up with couples. Sarah's taller than Hoshi and feels strange in my arms. Leanne and Malcolm are much of a height; his arms are around her, and I swallow jealousy. One of her hands slips down to stroke leather, and he doesn't move it, though he doesn't respond either.
The music changes. The new song must be another one of his favorites, because I see that immediate flicker of almost painful recognition cross his face as soon as the first beats of the shuffling rhythm pulse from the speakers. Next moment the lyrics start, and as I hear him start singing along at the full pitch of his lungs I know why he's doing it, with his eyes shut and his heart in every word:
"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone…"
Hoshi, Hoshi, Hoshi. He's singing to her to call her home to us, and this is the wrong woman I'm holding. And though tomorrow afternoon she'll be with us and everyone will beam at me hugging and kissing her, he'll have to stand back with that awful little polite smile pasted on his face, making out that he's just happy two of his friends are having fun. And then later, when we are having fun ('cause he'd kick both our asses if we didn't), he'll be lying there alone, thinking about us. Sure, there are ways and means, and I don't think for a minute that he'll just lie there suffering without doing anything about it, but cleaning his rifle isn't what we're about here.
I wish so much that it was him I was holding rather than Sarah, that his arms were around me rather than Leanne. Before the natural movement of the dance takes him out of my view I see him rest the side of his face against hers; she probably thinks he's singing to her, but I know that in his mind's eye he's seeing Hoshi. A minute or so later I catch another couple of lines, and the passion in them runs through me like an electric charge.
"I oughtta leave young thing alone
But there's no sunshine when she's gone…"
And that's when it hits me that I love him. God help me, I love Malcolm Reed, and I love Hoshi Sato as well – I just can't imagine being without them in my life. I am just so fucked up here, and there doesn't seem to be any way this is going to end good. Even if they feel the same about me, even if it works out between us, even if we survive our time in space, humanity hasn't gotten around to understanding that love isn't something you can put rules around, something that always works out the way it's supposed to. For all we pride ourselves that society's gotten over a load of its prejudices, I know that for the rest of our lives we're going to have to pretend and hide and lie about who we are and what we are, and that burden will eat away at the very heart of what we have.
If the idea of my being in love with another guy is more than my folks could bear, how the heck could I tell them that I share him with a woman? That I love both of them differently but just as much, that they're both a part of me? What would they make of that? That I know they share a bed when I'm not there and it doesn't bother me, that I'll make love to either of them or both of them and it feels so damned special I've never felt anything like it in my life before?
And what does he feel about me? I can see it in his face, hear it in his voice what he feels for Hoshi. There's some real feeling in the way he's belting out that song. I want to feel that he's singing it about both of us and for both of us, but for all that he's let me so far into his life he's still such a mystery to me in some ways. I don't know what he thinks about what we're doing. I can make some guesses, but bottom line that's all they are – guesses. Is it love for him? Does he want it to be love for me?
And what about Hoshi? She's a little the easier of the two to read, I guess. I think she cares deeply about both of us; whether it's love is another thing. Maybe sometime over the next few days I'll find some way to clear things up a little. Because I need to know, I need to get a real good handle on whether this is something they feel the same way about as I do, or whether I'm on the fast track to getting my heart broken one way or another.
After another few dances, which I've moved through like I'm on auto-pilot I guess, the party's over. I think Sarah's expecting me to make a move on her, but I just give her a peck on the cheek and she shrugs; neither of us will lose any sleep over the other. Even now we have to be careful of people hitting on us because of the Expanse thing, but I don't think anyone's recognized us. Malcolm and I are just two among the scores of tired-out clubbers who spill out into the relatively cool air of the early hours, grateful for the fresher air to breathe.
Jeez, it's still humid though. My shirt's sticking to me, and after his little floor-show for my benefit Malcolm's hair is as wet as though he's been under a shower. Or making love with me and Hoshi for a couple of hours. I can smell his sweat and aftershave as we walk towards the flitter park, and I shove my hands into my pants pockets to keep myself from grabbing him.
The flitter park's a short distance away. The crowds disperse quickly, and soon we're pretty well alone. The sound of our feet is loud in the silence as we stroll down the street.
Then I notice the alley we're almost level with, and my hormones make a decision so fast I hardly know what I intend before I've pushed him in there.
Just a few kisses; something, anything. I shove him against a wall and pin him there, my hands all over him. He responds like the animal in that damn song, his tongue invading my mouth, his breathing fast and desperate. I'm so hard it hurts. I can't think of anything except the feeling of his body, and though all my upbringing screams at the idea of a quick fuck in an alley, I want to.
God, how much I want to.
It's dark and quiet, except for our panting breaths. I don't want to ask, I don't want to talk, I don't want to do anything that will stop this.
High above us there's a single light in an apartment, which throws down just enough light to save our surroundings from being pitch dark. Just for a fraction of a second I see a pinpoint of it reflected in one of the wide gray eyes opposite mine, suddenly fixed over my shoulder. Then he pushes me away, gently but definitely, and maybe it's just as well one of us has gotten his brain into gear.
"Save it for Hoshi, Trip," he growls.
"Yeah. I – I'm sorry." I run my hands across my face and try to slow my pounding pulse.
"Don't be." He leads the way out of the alley and we go back to the flitter without saying anything else. I'm not sure whether he's mad at me or the situation or what, but he seems tense for some reason. Or maybe he's just tired. The adrenaline is starting to fade, and suddenly I'm yawning. I'll keep the top down for the drive home, so the air rush will keep me safely awake. I could do without having to go to church later in the morning, but my folks still go and I guess it won't kill me. Even if I'll probably be half-asleep in the pew after the couple of hours' sleep I'll be getting at this rate.
As for me and Malcolm – well, it'll wait, I guess. Seems like it'll have to.
At least till we get back to Enterprise.
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