By the time John's six-week follow-up rolled around, he too had developed cabin fever. He had been on his best behavior while Sherlock went out and worked cases, not causing any repeats of a riled, worried Alpha. He took care of himself and didn't take any undue risks with his recovery. He did get some relief taking walks to the park and meeting up with Sally and Christian regularly; though always double checking that he had his phone on him before he went. The more time he spent with Christian, the stronger his fledgling desire for children became. However, he still had no idea how to bring the subject up to Sherlock after brushing him off for so long, refusing to talk about anything related to the accident and their lost child. Doctor Ashford had already cleared him medically to return to cases with Sherlock, adding the admonishment to try and be more careful with himself. Needless to say, Sherlock was soon chomping at the bit to have his partner back on the job, but John still had to be cleared by his Omega doctor as well.
Which is how John found himself here, waiting anxiously in Doctor Johnson's lobby for his appointment to begin. Sherlock, still in some kind of post traumatic stress of his own, had originally insisted on coming with John. Fortunately, Greg had called this morning with a case Sherlock couldn't possibly resist, a definite ten. With only a little reassurance and encouragement from John, he had flown out of the flat while John breathed a sigh of relief.
"John?" The voice belonged to Doctor Johnson's long-time assistant, Beth, who smiled warmly as she called out, "He's ready for you now."
John returned the smile easily after years of visits, "Thank you Beth. Best not keep him waiting then shall I."
The exam itself was typical, look and listen to everything, palpate the organs, and then up in the stirrups for the internal exam. John was relieved that there was hardly any tenderness remaining during the exam. He answered Doctor Johnson's questions as the exam proceeded but was saving the real conversation for after this part was finished.
When Doctor Johnson at last removed his gloves and washed his hands, John redressed and the time for the real conversation had come. John followed his doctor into the private office where they could talk more comfortably and sat nervously in the chair by the desk. Doctor Johnson seated himself then clasped his hands before him on the desk, peering over his bifocals at John. "Well John, your exam is perfect, everything healing well and in proper order. I am presuming no signs of a heat so far but that is perfectly normal at this stage, nothing to worry about. But I get the idea that something is on your mind….how are things John? How are things with Sherlock and the bond?"
John thought the question about Sherlock and their bond was a little odd but chose to start with his main concerns first. "I have some questions about getting pregnant again, am I too old of an Omega for one thing. And, is there any way to determine when my heats will return? I haven't really been able to talk to Sherlock about this and would like some time to…..uhm...plan if at all possible."
Doctor Johnson narrowed his eyes at John. "I assume that you have come to terms with that part of your Omega nature then? And actively want to have children with Sherlock?"
John couldn't prevent a faint blush from spreading over his cheeks. After all the years he protested his nature, moaned and complained, and flatly denied ever wanting children, to admit to his desires now was humbling. "Yes," he answered in a somewhat subdued tone, "I find not only that I wanted our child before, I want another even more now, not a replacement or substitute, not a poor patch for a bad relationship…...just a child of our own. The urge seems to strengthen as time goes on. I tried to deny it but the thoughts only tormented me more each day. A new friendship with an Omega and her son has allowed me to explore these thoughts and feelings, to finally face what I truly want, and I want mine and Sherlock's child."
Doctor Johnson nodded in understanding before addressing John in a serious tone. "Well your age is an issue but not actually a concern. Pregnancy is still a perfectly viable possibility for you, we just take a few more precautions with older Omegas and monitor you more closely. However, there isn't any way to determine your heat returning, it is a highly individual process. But I can tell you that any issues between you and Sherlock, anything stressing the bond, will cause delays or difficulties. You just told me you haven't even been able to speak to Sherlock about this, that alone is a problem. So as your doctor and your friend I will ask you again, how are things with Sherlock and the bond?"
John couldn't understand why this had anything to do with the current topic, still he tried to humor the doctor and answer him. "Things with Sherlock are fine I guess, nothing out of the ordinary. He is working while I'm at home recuperating….just normal day-to-day stuff. Uhm...the bond….the bond is good, I mean we are both aware of some changes but nothing bad. Well, Sherlock is struggling a little with his change making him uncomfortable and I'm doing okay with mine I think. Really nothing unusual going on but why do you keep asking about that?"
"What changes have occurred John," Doctor Johnson pressed, "It could be important."
John shook his head with a little smile, "I really don't get what this has to do with me getting pregnant but okay. Okay...yeah...uhm, Sherlock has been far more protective than he ever has been before, to the point of panic if he doesn't know where I am or that I am alright. He's still the same ass he always has been but has been more considerate and caring about me it seems….uh….doing stuff for me instead of letting me do it myself. That's been damned annoying actually. I mean he knows I'm no damsel in distress. For me, needing to have Sherlock near is stronger. I feel more comfortable, calmed, and more secure when he is nearby, whether we are out or just at home, it's still the same feelings. It's only so noticeable because I am normally the steady one; I've always been secure in any situation so feeling as though I need him for that now is definitely a change. That and the desire to have our children, that is stronger than it has ever been in my life, as you well know. But please tell me why any of this matters?"
Doctor Johnson had been nodding along as John spoke and now reclined in his chair, prepared to instruct. "John because you, and Sherlock for the most part, spent your lives denying your own natures there are some things you haven't prepared for I suppose. Maybe some things you just don't realize. You know that both of your bodies have been playing catch up in the natural biology department since just before the bonding, adjusting to biological imperatives, and instincts you've never used before kicking in. The next stage of your bond developing has been triggered and that is what we will be dealing with before your heats ever return."
John was still confused, "But we have been bonded over a year now, what triggered us? What happened to cause changes and how do I fix it so that I can get pregnant again?!"
"The pregnancy John."
Not prepared for that, John slumped back in his chair while Doctor Johnson continued. "When you first bond it is about each of you becoming the pair of you, bonded together by blood for life. The bond brings you closer, strengthens the feelings and attachments already present. Generally this is a welcome and happy change chosen by the two persons entering the bond. Your unplanned pregnancy and Sherlock's delay in finding out about it sort of bypassed the next step in your evolution so to speak. Without either of you knowing it the biological triggers were sent and now even though you lost the child your natures continue to adapt for this next stage regardless."
John rubbed his temple in an attempt to stave off the headache he felt was coming before lifting his eyes to those of his friend, "What?" That's all he could manage, he had no grasp of this situation and he needed more information.
Doctor Johnson gave a small smile, accustomed to John's exasperation with Omega things. "As a bond becomes stronger, the desire to reproduce is a very normal byproduct; perpetuation of the species is instinctual after all. Most bonded pairs reach this stage in their own time and seek pregnancy when appropriate for them and their bond, relying on birth control options and such. Some just let nature take its course, and it still works out according to instinct and biology. The point is that a bonded pair reaches this stage together and seeks it out actively together. The bond at this point is prepared and strong enough to adapt to the changes needed and allows mating and pregnancy to proceed. The bond becomes about the pair becoming more than, becoming a family, thus a new set of instinctual behaviors is triggered so they become established before a child arrives. The care-giving, nurturing, and protectiveness you have seen in Sherlock. The increased dependence on your partner for comfort and security that you display, as well as the desire for children itself. All are normal adaptations made in preparation for a family that were triggered by the pregnancy you already had."
John smiled happily, "So that's good right? We should be all set as soon as my heat returns!"
Doctor Johnson shook his head, "No John, it doesn't work like that. It is not just that the first pregnancy was unplanned and as such you and Sherlock had not even discussed it beforehand, such things do happen but not often. The problem now is that you are both still not on equal footing, in this arena; your bond is not strengthened by you both being of the same mind, it is flawed. You haven't even tried to discuss this with Sherlock yet you are questioning me about another pregnancy. You have to include him in this decision and talk to him about what he wants as well. I am afraid that, if you don't reach that understanding and equality within your relationship and bond, if you aren't both approaching a new pregnancy equally desirous and prepared; then I am afraid your heats may not return, at least not until that equilibrium has been reached. Do you understand now John?"
John's heart sank. He was so certain that Sherlock didn't care for or want children that he probably had been avoiding trying to have a conversation with him about it. And now this, even if they talked John doubted they would come to an understanding, certainly not enough to suit the bond. And if John understood correctly, the discrepancy in the bond would prevent his body from functioning normally, would not allow him to have a heat in order to get pregnant. What was he supposed to do now? He wanted this so badly. But...well Sherlock…..was Sherlock, and he could be so hard to talk to about anything, let alone this. John had hoped for good news today and this was almost too much to take.
Doctor Johnson observed John's saddened expression and offered his support as always. "John, I'm not saying it is impossible. I am saying that a huge part of this is up to you and Sherlock. Try to talk to him, get the conversation started, even if it's a rocky start. I think you may surprise yourself in the end. I will be here to help as much as I can as your doctor, and your friend. In the meantime I will give you some vitamins, work on your diet and exercise…..prepare as if it will all work out soon. That will be helpful to you in more ways than one."
John nodded as he accepted the vitamin samples and pamphlets, shook the doctor's hand and departed. He could hardly think at the moment and felt dejected over the situation. Looking at the time, he quickly changed his direction and headed for the park, hoping he would still find Sally and Christian there. She was easy to talk to about these things and he just needed a friend right now instead of being alone in the flat waiting on Sherlock.
John was in luck as Sally had been running late today on her errands and had only been at the park for fifteen minutes when he showed up, Christian sleeping soundly in his pram for the moment. One look at his clouded expression was all she needed. "John! What's wrong? What's happened?"
John sat heavily on the bench next to her without saying a word. When Sally opened her mouth to question him again, he silenced her with a raised hand. He just needed a moment to gather his thoughts. Once he knew where to begin, he told her all about his check-up and what Doctor Johnson had to say about his bond and his heats returning…..or not. With a final sigh, he waited for her thoughts.
Sally was very sympathetic but she was also direct. "Oh John, he's right! It's been two weeks already, how can you not have talked to Sherlock at all about this?!"
John stared at his lap shamefaced and knew she was as right as the doctor had been. He shrugged as he tried to answer her, "I really don't know Sally. I've been avoiding any talk of the baby to begin with, and then it just seemed harder and harder to bring up any discussion of a new baby. I know I have to do something now but I am so afraid that Sherlock will say no. If he does, I think it will break my heart again and then what will I do?"
Sally, always supportive, patted John's arm in encouragement as she answered, "But remember what Doctor Johnson told you, Sherlock has began to undergo changes in preparation for a family as well. You even said he has driven you insane with his caretaking and protectiveness. Jeff was the same way when we were getting ready for Christian, even before I got pregnant. It is the way the bond is supposed to work John, to promote the familial bond. I know it is scary for you but I think you will find any attitudes Sherlock may previously have had are already changing, if not completely reversed by now."
John treated Sally to a huge smile followed by a hug. "Thank you Sally! You always manage to find the right thing to say, the point of view I am missing! And you are right, he told me that but all I was focused on were the negatives. That does help. I think I will be less worried to talk to Sherlock if I just remember that. I will talk to him as soon as possible after he finishes up this case!" He laughed easily, "There you go! John Watson…..decision made, now a happy man once more!"
Sally chuckled at him as the rest of their visit turned to general things; Christian's latest milestone, Jeff's advancement at work, plans for summer vacation, etc. Christian woke from his nap and John took great pleasure in feeding and burping him while they talked. Before they knew it two hours had flown past again and Sally had to head home. Returning Christian to his pram and saying his goodbyes, John headed home himself. He hadn't received any texts from Sherlock, which was surprising. The case must have him very wrapped up for him not to even check about the appointment yet. John thought that was probably just as well. Sherlock needed the distraction of an intense case sometimes to feed his mind. John took a hot shower, got on his most comfortable sleep clothes, and ordered take-away Indian for tonight. He would make sure to speak too Sherlock later, now that he understood how important it could be for them. His thoughts followed him to bed that night and into sleep where he dreamed of a dark haired child in Sherlock's arms.
Things were not to happen as John intended however. Sherlock did check in the next day but was gone again before John could get a word in at all. He was a bit annoyed that Sherlock had not even asked him to come on the case, now that he was cleared. John reminded himself that Sherlock was deeply involved with the case at this point and not thinking of other things. He had also gotten used to not having him there for the past six weeks. With a sigh John resigned himself to waiting until the case was over.
That didn't go so well either.
The case took four solid days of Sherlock running all over London after this killer before a capture was possible. Once he got home, he barely managed a hot shower, tea and toast before collapsing in bed. He slept for a full twenty-four hours before he woke again. John was there, waiting patiently as always, taking care of his worn out mate. Another hot bath, followed by a filling hot meal with tea and John anticipated settling down for a cuddle on the sofa. He thought that would be the most opportune time to bring up the discussion of children, when Sherlock was at his most content and not yet bored.
Curled into Sherlock's side, enjoying the warm body next to him and the arm around him, John stared blindly at the flickering telly as he gathered his thoughts. The companionable silence lasted through the entire newscast before John found his nerve to speak.
"Sherlock?"
A soft "Mmm?" Was felt as much as heard when Sherlock nuzzled into his head, placing a kiss on his temple.
John couldn't help smiling at the familiar tenderness, "I wanted to...uhm….to talk to you about something that's been on my mind." He raised his face to look at Sherlock, taking in the quizzical expression on his face.
Sherlock had just opened his mouth to reply when his phone chimed and vibrated against the table where it lay. Sherlock reached for it, but from the corner of his eye he caught the disappointment on John's face. Ignoring the phone, he turned to John, "Probably just Lestrade with some final questions or wanting me in for a statement. I'll see about it later. But for now, you tell me what is it you want to talk about love?"
John was grateful for Sherlock's attention, maybe he too could sense this was something important, something they needed to do. "Well, first I think I need to apologize to you."
"To Me?!" Sherlock gaped in surprise, "What do you need to apologize to me for John? I'm the one who has been too busy on a case to see about you for days! I haven't even had a chance to ask about your appointment, but please believe, I do want to know how it went."
John could only nod in agreement, "Yes that's true Sherlock, and that is part of what I want to talk about. But I need to apologize…..for shutting you out these past few weeks. For not talking, not sharing with you, letting you in…..to what I was feeling, what I was thinking. I'm sorry for excluding you, acting like I was the only one going through these things instead of realizing we were going through them together. I shouldn't have done that at all and I am sorry."
"John…" the loud, shrill ring of Sherlock's phone caused both men to startle a bit. Grabbing it quickly off the table, Sherlock saw Lestrade's number and declined the call, dropping the phone on the sofa as soon as he finished. "John, I understand. As big as your heart is some things are hard for you and you need time. I may have difficulty with many social things, but I do know you and I understand. I did not feel like you were doing anything unusual or wrong by your behavior. You don't need to apologize, I truly do understand. Now…..there was more?"
This time it was John who was cut off as the phone rang insistently again. With a sigh John picked up the phone to answer before Sherlock could stop him. Seeing Lestrade's number again John knew it must be important, he practically never called unless it was urgent. "Greg? Hello, what's up mate?"
"John? I'm trying to reach Sherlock. Look I'm sorry to interrupt when we just got off a case but we need him! We need him fast! You better come too, I know you're cleared now and we need him on his good behavior!" John passed Sherlock the phone as he rose to go get some clothes on, "It's Lestrade and it sounds urgent. Talk to him, I'm going to get dressed." Sherlock appeared to be on the verge of protest before John stopped him, "He said he needs me too and I am cleared for work. Now get the details while I get dressed." With that John made his way to their room, quickly pulling out jeans and jumper, John was already lacing his boots when Sherlock flew into the bedroom snatching clothes from the bureau himself. The look on Sherlock's face was enough to send John after his gun and extra ammunition. He bemoaned the cup of soothing tea that would be so good right now, as well as the once again deferred conversation, but this was obviously not the time.
Sherlock was dressed in a matter of minutes, meeting John at the door grabbing coats, scarf and gloves before they were out the door and hailing a taxi. Sherlock directed the cabbie to A&E as quickly as possible, and then sat back next to John. Once they were on their way, John glanced expectantly to him for information on the case.
Sherlock had the usual flush of excitement a good case brought but he was tense, almost concerned. "A possible mass-murderer John, a murderer who may not be finished and is still on the loose. A man took control of one full carriage on a commuter train, locking the end doors so no one could escape. He was armed with a knife and a gun. He went through the carriage methodically killing every passenger one by one. Footage shows some of the passengers attempting to gang up and over power him, all were thwarted and murdered. He talked freely, did not avoid or disable the cameras. He wanted his actions seen. Even with the CCTV in the carriage, nothing could be done until the next stop and by then they were all dead. The man left the weapons with his victims and walked off the train losing himself in the crowd and leaving his carnage to be found."
When Sherlock paused John let out a long, low whistle, this was a serious case. "But why are we heading for A&E? You said all the victims were dead."
Sherlock nodded, "They were all believed to be, but a survivor was found as they checked over the victims. It is being kept quiet of course. The man is badly wounded but alert. Lestrade wants me to question him first for any clues to the killer's identity and motives, in case he does not survive his injuries. His statement could be quite important and we need it as quickly as we can get it. There is no indication that this was a one time event and we have nothing to help predict the killer's next actions."
John nodded, no further words required between them. He understood now why Lestrade wanted him there and wanted Sherlock on his best behavior. The man could be dying but they needed his coöperation. Arriving at the hospital, John paid the cabbie and quickly followed Sherlock into the hospital. He had wanted to get back out there, get to work, and it looked like he was going to get his wish in spades.
Sherlock watched John gearing himself up for the case ahead, and he was happy to have him back at his side. He truly was, but these new instincts were wreaking havoc on his focus. He wanted John by his side and knew he would support and protect him as he had always done so that Sherlock could get on with the work. But he had to fight an urge to send John home; they were facing a mass-murderer capable of overpowering and killing an entire carriage of people without the use of an automatic weapon. He was putting his mate in harm's way. He was putting John in harm's way.
Sherlock was so distracted by his thoughts he did not hear Lestrade speaking to him. It was John's voice that brought him round as usual, recalling his focus to the case. He ruthlessly tried to shove his fears and instincts into a back room of his Mind Palace and lock the door. He wouldn't be able to solve this case if he was constantly distracted by the urge to protect John and keep him from harm. John has always been able to take care of himself, he always protected Sherlock. It was one of the many things Sherlock loved about John. He couldn't begin to understand what was happening.
Why was it different now? What had changed?
Author's Note: I am So sorry to take this long with this update. I was keeping them to roughly every two weeks but got thrown off between Real Life and the evil plot bunny that became my first completed story! I know how annoying waiting for a story can be and don't want that to be the case with mine, so I do apologize again! Making a transition into the next part of the story now, what do you guys think of my take on bond evolution? :) Thanks to all of you who keep following and reading! I love the comments and feedback anytime you guys give it! Off to work on the next chapter now as I am off work for almost a week! HAHAHA! ;) :-D