Sherlock's interview with the victim went smoothly enough, yielding at least some usable information. A description of the killer wasn't really necessary as the man hadn't bothered to hide himself from the cameras. But what the killer said, as well as his behavior, proved to be the most useful to Sherlock. The man had ranted about "His research! His breakthroughs…...none of you coat-tail jockeys are gonna cash in on My hard work! You're gonna beg me for a piece of my action! Beg!" The statements and the killer's display of strength over numerous opponents led Sherlock on the most likely trail of a chemist. A junkie was a possibility but the statements about research leaned more likely towards student or practising chemist. He believed someone was freelancing, perhaps developed a new drug he planned to sell for profit. Being of a thorough scientific mind himself, Sherlock deduced that the killer had tested his new drug on himself, leading to paranoia, enhanced resistance to pain, and temporarily increased strength.
The case took a full week to solve. Sherlock tracked various leads, allowing time for the killer to analyse the results of his trial, revise his formula, and consider another test of the new formulation. It would have been easier if the police could have released a photo of the man from the CCTV to the public for identification. The problem was that they could not isolate a shot that did not show some portion of the carriage around the man, therefore the photo option was not used out of respect to the families. This did not deter Sherlock in the least. A week of investigation led them to an older warehouse near the docks and a graduate student kicked out of his program for unethical experiments. The Yard were closing in, armed with tranquilizer guns in case the killer was hyped up on his drug again, but John and Sherlock were still in Lestrade's car. Sherlock had led them here but then made no move to get out as he usually would. John was confused, waiting for action that failed to appear. However, he suspected the cause. It had been building all week.
Ever since the case started, little things had been happening between them. Not anything drastic, or hindering the case, but a shift between Sherlock and he. Sherlock stayed close to John at all times or if he had to step away he quickly returned. With his new-found knowledge about their bond, John did not really question Sherlock's behavior at first. But it continued. When they examined bodies and the carriage for clues, John felt a hand under his elbow helping him up from his kneeling position. Bestowing his very best 'what-the-hell' look upon his mate, he looked between the hand at his elbow and Sherlock's face quickly.
"Uhm...what's this now?" John questioned.
Sherlock jerked his hand away as if he didn't realize he had just helped John up like an old woman. "I'm….uh...I don't know...I didn't…." Sherlock struggled to find a reply, finally settling on a brusque apology, "So sorry John, won't happen again."
But it did happen again, little things, with Sherlock always appearing surprised he had done them. The hand at John's elbow was repeated more than once. Several times John felt the touch of a possessive hand at his back directing him subtly or merely resting there indicating ownership. In new situations or when they met new people he noticed Sherlock stepping just in front of him; he wasn't blocking John per se but putting himself in the forefront….like a shield. Even the Yarders noticed the change in behavior and John heard their snickering and whispers when they were on-site. John ignored them the best he could as he continued to question Sherlock, who continued to have no answer. The fifth day of the case increased the annoyance factor. When they arrived at the latest spot to investigate, it was raining and wet. Sherlock as always was out of the cab first, leaving John to pay. Imagine John's shock when he found Sherlock waiting beside the open door, an umbrella in one hand and his other held out to help John out of the car. 'Where did the umbrella come from', thought John, 'The man never has an umbrella.' John couldn't stop the words before they were out of his mouth.
"Are you seriously trying to help me from the car? This isn't Victorian London, this isn't a carriage, and I'm not some bloody lady to be courted with lovely manners!"
John got himself out of the car and moved to stand in the entrance of the office building. He didn't notice Sherlock's jaw tightening as his hand returned to his side, but he did hear the remark the cabbie made to him.
"Oi, bit o'trouble wi the missus? Mine gets the same way sometimes, sorta fractious you might say. Nothin a good rodgering won't fix, ey mate?" The cabbie winked at Sherlock as if he had made a grand joke. It was a mistake.
Sherlock, normally lost in common human interactions, was appalled at the nerve of this man, speaking about John in such a manner in front of both of them. A ferocious growl left Sherlock's throat as he grabbed the cabbie by the throat and yanked him halfway out of the window. The man's frightened squeal doing nothing to sway him.
"You will apologize to my mate for speaking in such a low and filthy manner before him and to me. Then should you ever see us again, as is likely since we frequent the London cabs daily, you will never…..never speak to my mate in such a way again. It might even serve you well not to speak to anyone like that but we're dealing with now and we're dealing with My mate. I am Sherlock Holmes and this is my mate John Watson, you may have heard of us? Now apologize!"
The poor cabbie stuttered out an apology to John while the angry Alpha held firm. When he was finished, Sherlock shoved him back into the cab with another growl. He then turned his back as the man sped off, nearly side-swiping another cab in his haste to get away.
John said nothing as he was led into the building by his still fuming Alpha, possessive hand firmly in place to his back. He wasn't sure he could say anything this second, his mind was reeling with a realization and he needed to work through it for a few moments. When he heard the cabbie refer to him as 'the missus', the lightbulb went off and in true Sherlock fashion John had his own 'OH!" moment.
Thoughts of his appointment had been pushed aside with the urgency of the case, including Doctor Johnson's words about the changes they were each going through. Sherlock's behavior was increasing, almost without him knowing. While John always appreciated the closeness, he was resenting being treated with kid gloves. He had thought it was just residual concern over his injuries and had completely forgotten the bond. He was positively shocked at his Alpha's display with the cabbie also; well, if he were honest with himself, he was a good bit turned on by it too. Now he understood…..but Sherlock didn't. Sherlock was struggling, trying to control this behavior when it was perfectly normal and John hadn't been able to tell him, to explain. He didn't see how they were going to be able to have a discussion at all until the case wrapped up and he had no idea how to help Sherlock. So he stayed quiet while his Alpha simmered without relief.
Now here they were with the case about to wrap-up and Sherlock was just sitting by while the Yard moved in. Being a civilian never stopped Sherlock from barging after the criminal before, John suspected he knew what was going on and it had him fuming.
"Sherlock, are we not going to help with the capture? We always see our cases through to the end!"
Sherlock merely watched out the window and answered calmly, "No John, Lestrade and his men have it firmly in hand. We actually could head home if you wanted."
John's mouth fell open, "I cannot believe you just said that! We are here to make sure this criminal gets put away as always, not go home while someone else does the work! Why are you acting like this?!"
When Sherlock remained silent, John had had enough.
"That's it Sherlock! I'm going in to help them." He opened his door and tried to leave the car but was stopped by a hand on his forearm. "What Sherlock?!"
Sherlock answered low and dangerous, the Alpha spilling out as he spoke, "No...you're not."
John shuddered at the power he knew was just beneath the surface but the words set him ablaze. "What do you mean 'No, I'm not'?! I am a trained soldier, I am armed, we do this all the time. If you want to sit here then fine! But I am going to help our friends catch a killer!"
The hand on his arm tightened almost painfully and John yanked at it angrily. This time it was not Sherlock who spoke. John's eyes widened in shock when the voice of His Alpha rang out in the car. "NO! You will not leave this car until I say so John. I said you are not going and I meant you are not going. I will not put you in harm's way if I can prevent it. Now Stay!"
Bound tightly by the word of his Alpha, John remained sitting in the car. He could not believe it. Sherlock had never, Never, used his Alpha voice on him. He had never had to, they meshed so well there was seldom any strife requiring it. John hadn't thought Sherlock could be that kind of Alpha. John wasn't thinking about Doctor Johnson's words, or their bond, or pregnancy at that moment. If he had, he may have understood Sherlock's insanely protective behavior and dealt with it better. Instead he was livid with Sherlock's iron control but impotent to act, cowed like a dog. He had never felt so isolated from their bond and he fought the prick of tears in his eyes as he sat in silence and gazed out the window.
Sherlock began to feel guilty as soon as he did it. He knew he had never used the voice on John, but John's safety was paramount and when he tried to get out of the car….the Alpha snapped. The silence grew from awkward to painful as it drug on and Sherlock's guilt grew. Thinking it would help if John could yell at him he spoke, "You know, I didn't order you to be silent. You can speak…..yell at me if it will help…..anything?." Sherlock trailed off and stared at the stony profile of his mate, starting to feel like his loss of control had been a crucial error.
John remained silent as his inner voice raged. 'Oh Wonderful I have permission to speak! WOOF! Good doggie John, what shall you do next?! Anything you like so long as Sherlock approves and you will be completely safe every moment because that's the kind of life we lead!' On and on the internal rant continued but John remained silent and still. Even as the case concluded and the killer rode off to jail, John remained silent. He didn't speak to Sherlock, Lestrade, anyone at all. He only moved when Sherlock's subdued voice spoke next to him.
"We can leave now John. It is finished…..we can go home."
John got out of Lestrade's car and followed Sherlock to the road, waited while a cab was hailed then got in without a word. He considered just walking away into the night to get away from Sherlock for awhile. But he figured Sherlock would just stop him again so he didn't bother.
"John? John…...John, I'm sorry. I couldn't help it and I'm sorry." Sherlock tried to reach John without any success. He could practically see the walls building themselves around John and knew it was his fault. There was no reply for him and the ride continued in silence.
When they arrived home Sherlock took no chances at angering John further and paid the fare himself. John for his part sat quietly and didn't move until Sherlock did, following him up the stairs. Once they were inside the flat with the door secured behind them, Sherlock tried again, "John…" Only to be quickly cut off by John's lifeless voice.
"Am I free to move about the flat now…..Sir," John deadpanned, his anger under rigid control at the moment.
Sherlock knew that tone and hated it even more now. "John don't be silly, of course you can move around in your own home! Please can't we…" he began but was swiftly cut off again.
"Thank you Sir. I simply didn't want to upset the Alpha unduly." With a sharp about-face John walked to the bathroom and locked the door. He intended to have a very long hot shower and hoped he would find his way clear of this anger and confusion. He Knew…..he knew in his mind what was going on, and it had to be addressed. But the John who fought for his independence, denied his Omega nature, who has shielded and protected Sherlock for years, that man was still in there and he was furiously fighting the events of the past week…..most especially tonight. John got in the shower and let the hot water run over tense muscles while he tried to empty his mind.
Sherlock knew it was bad. He knew John when he started to function in soldier mode and it was always bad. He had used the Alpha to get his way for an investigation plenty of times. But he had never forced his will on John, it was beneath him and John did not deserve to be treated like that. How was he going to be able to explain the panic he felt when John tried to leave the car and enter that warehouse. It made absolutely no sense when they had always faced danger together, but Sherlock couldn't stop himself at all. How could he make John understand he hadn't intended to do that but had instinctually stopped him from leaving the only way he could. Would it even matter? This was so very not good. Sherlock panicked, in an instant he was back reliving their anniversary night. His mind screaming at him to fix this, that it couldn't happen again, not like that. The Alpha was also anxious, instincts urging him to soothe his mate, calm the situation, make his mate happy once more. It didn't matter that the Alpha and said instincts caused the problem in the first place.
Sherlock knew John would be in there a while trying to calm down so he quickly formulated a plan. Tea, lots of tea and John's favorite take-away….maybe even some dessert. Wine? No, no...alcohol was usually a bad idea when John was like this. A massage to relieve tense muscles would be good, if John would even allow Sherlock to touch him right now. And grovelling…...it wasn't something Sherlock ever did, but for John he would quite literally do anything to fix this. So he set about his plan, a quick trip out then putting on the kettle and calling in for Indian, ordering most of John's favorites. Then he waited for John.
The shower had helped some but hadn't completely eradicated John's anger. He knew he would have to talk to Sherlock and this certainly wasn't the best way to start. Though at this point, John thought he didn't really have any other options. With a deep breath he left the bathroom and ducked into the bedroom to make himself comfortable. He smelled the food and freshly steeped tea right away. Knowing Sherlock was trying to appease him eased the anger just a tiny bit more, especially when John's stomach rumbled reminding him how long it had been since they had a meal. Dressing quickly he emerged to find Sherlock in the kitchen, his food and tea waiting for him on a mostly cleared table. John could plainly see the apologetic and hopeful look on Sherlock's face. He managed a quiet, "Thank you, Sherlock," before sitting down at his place while Sherlock nodded and took the chair to John's side.
They ate in silence, neither wanting to break the fragile truce, Sherlock actually finishing a full meal in his desire to please John. When they finished, Sherlock hurried to clear the table and put away the food, shooing John into the sitting room before he could try to help. John merely shrugged and left him to it, making his way to his chair and sinking down into its comfort gratefully. Sherlock continued to clean up and switched on the kettle for a fresh cup of tea while he pulled out the dessert he had gotten for John. It was a chocolate turtle cheesecake he had had thawing in the breadbox so John wouldn't see it. It was one of those pre-made frozen ones but it was the most decadent thing Sherlock could find on short notice in Tesco's coolers this time of night. Still John was very partial to chocolate and he was quite proud of himself for thinking of it when making his quick plan. He cut a piece for each of them, putting them onto plates, placing the forks, then finished the tea. Putting it all on a tray and taking a deep breath, he carried it out to John.
John had wondered what Sherlock was up to clattering about the kitchen. He half-way thought he was just going to ignore what had happened and start on some experiment. He was quite surprised when Sherlock offered him the tray with his tea and a dessert. John stared at it for a long moment before looking up to Sherlock. "You can't just fix everything with food and tea, Sherlock."
Sherlock looked uncertain and gave a barely noticeable nod before thrusting the tray awkwardly toward John again, "No….but it can be a start. At least drink your tea before it gets cold."
John relented and took both the tea and dessert. "Thank you Sherlock, this was very nice of you." It was actually a very nice thought and he knew they did not have it in the house, nor was there a place that delivered something like this. He happily dug into the dessert while his thoughts wandered. He realized Sherlock had gone out while he was in the shower to get this especially for him and that thought did give him a warm feeling. He really just wanted to curl up next to Sherlock and stay there basking in his warmth and feeling those arms around him..It was good to be taken care of right? To be treated, instead of doing it all yourself, John was almost feeling pampered, secure and protected….. He stopped mid-bite when the thought hit him. Instincts! He was furious with Sherlock yet here he was practically swimming in delight at being taken care of, pampered and protected by his Alpha. John sat the fork down on his plate and forced himself to swallow despite the sudden nauseous feeling in his gut. Taking one last swig of tea, he set everything off to the side placing his hands on the arms of his chair and clenching his hands convulsively.
Sherlock noticed of course, "What's wrong John? You don't like it? I thought I cho…."
"No Sherlock. I like it fine. It was delicious. Thank you." John answered succinctly to cut off Sherlock's train of thought. "It's This Sherlock!" John waving his hands loosely about indicating the food and tea and themselves. "All of this is wrong. Well point of fact it is actually very right but it's still all wrong. Oh Gheesh! How am I going to do this?!" John rubbed his fingers across his brow before resting his head in his hand, just trying to grasp how to convey his anger while also explaining about the bond and these behaviors. He shouldn't be so angry at Sherlock when he couldn't help himself anymore than John could just now. He thought he was beginning to see what Doctor Johnson had meant about imbalance. If they were in sync with each other these changes wouldn't bother either of them, they would be easier to take as they made changes together. John groaned and rubbed his head some more.
Sherlock didn't understand at all. What was John trying to say? They were wrong together? What was he going to do?! That panicked feeling returned and Sherlock leapt into action. Falling to his knees in front of John, he pleaded. "John, I'm sorry! I'm really very sorry! I should never have done that to you! I honestly couldn't stop myself…..I….I was afraid for you and I.….I just couldn't risk you John. I couldn't! It was instinct I guess…and...it just happened. I'm so sorry John! I promise I will never do that to you again! I prom…."
"STOP!" John's commanding tone managed to do what few on earth could do and that was to shut up Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock sat back on his heels and let his hands fall to his lap. He had failed. Whatever John was going to say or do, this was it and all he could do was take it. He forced himself to look at John and wait without expectations.
"Sherlock, I know you're sorry. And I know why this happened, far more than you do right now, but do not promise never to do it again. This is our life Sherlock, we face danger every day! I've been at your side all these years. I've saved your ass countless times, ME, John Watson, your mate! You can NOT suddenly treat me like some god damned Porcelain DOLL!" John took a deep breath to calm his anger after that outburst. "This situation will be repeated over and over if we are to continue in this career. You acted out of instinct, and perfectly natural instinct at that, do not promise to control an instinct in the future when you could not control it now. I am not angry about your motives. I am angry that after giving my trust, my bond, to the only Alpha I have ever wanted, you used that power against me. In one moment, you took away my freedom and independence and damaged that trust. You've damaged it at the worst possible time and made things even harder." John shook his head fighting his anger and frustration as tears threatened and his voice shook, "And you don't even know why because I haven't been able to tell you. I don't know how to tell you…..how to fix it…..and it's just one giant bloody mess... and we may never be right….then we'll never be parents…..and you don't even know how important it is…..but how can I tell you if I can't even trust you…" John broke off as he choked back a sob. This would get them nowhere tonight.
"You'll have to excuse me Sherlock, I'm going to bed," with that he disappeared into the bedroom shutting the door quietly behind him and turning off the lights.
Sherlock still sat on his heels in the floor, completely at a loss. John seldom rambled to such a degree, and what was he talking about? Never be right? Never be parents? Sherlock understood how his actions had affected John tonight but obviously there was something more going on, something he had missed. He had been so distracted with cases and worrying over these behaviors he was having towards John that he had not really paid attention to his mate in a while. He absently began cleaning up the tea and cheesecake while mentally addressing the puzzle. Sherlock turned the past week or so over in his mind, replaying conversations, actions, looking for clues. What had he missed? How far back?
Realizing he was finished in the kitchen, Sherlock opted to turn off the lights in the sitting room and get himself a shower before bed. After the long case he allowed himself to enjoy the heat on his body, standing there for long minutes while still deducing John for the past couple of weeks. He recalled John trying to talk to him before Lestrade interrupted, calling them off on this last case. But even before that, when he was in and out on the last case, John seemed to greet him with a sense of anticipation and hope, but there was never time to talk about anything but the case. He finally had followed the trail back to the day he started the last case, the day John went for his follow-up with Doctor Johnson, and the appointment he still knew nothing about. John's words flashing through his mind suddenly made far more sense. "Never be right...never be parents", something was preventing John from getting pregnant or his heats or both. "How important it is….how can I tell you", John wanted to get pregnant…..wanted to have their child….and he thought he couldn't talk to Sherlock about it. Why? The answer was obvious, John didn't think Sherlock would feel the same way. "Trust damaged at the worst time", this was all happening now and the trust between them was crucial. Sherlock belatedly realized he truly had hurt John's trust in him and it was particularly hard after all the years John had hid his gender from Alphas for just this kind of behaviors. Sherlock quickly finished his shower now knowing at least where they needed to start and just how much of it would be up to him to fix.
Entering the bedroom, Sherlock could see John curled up on his side facing away from the door. The snuffling sounds of someone calming after a long cry made their way to his ears. He wasted no time sliding under the covers and wrapping his arms around John, who shuddered briefly then pressed back into him. Placing a soft kiss upon his temple and noting the saltiness present on his skin, Sherlock rested his own head against John's and whispered, "Can't you tell me what's wrong love? What is going on in that heart and mind of yours? I can't help to fix it if I don't know what's broken. Won't you please…. let me in John?" John merely continued to breathe and snuffle and sigh. This went on long enough for Sherlock to think he had fallen asleep, until a quiet reply came.
"I'm not sure I know how Sherlock."
Sherlock did not press for now and both men slept. Tomorrow they would begin again.
Morning found Sherlock alone in bed. Not a worrisome occurrence, assuming John rose early and expecting to find him in the kitchen or sitting room, Sherlock made his way to the bathroom. When he was finished, however, he was struck by the stillness of the flat. No telly on, no sounds of John turning pages of the newspaper or shuffling in his chair, no kettle rattling in the kitchen, in fact Sherlock found the kettle cold to the touch though John's cup was empty in the sink. John had to have been up early then, but where was he now, maybe he just went for a morning walk. Sherlock sent off a quick text just to let John know he was up now and set about making some tea for himself. The kettle dropped into the sink when Sherlock heard the text alert of John's phone. He found it on the table beside John's chair, left in plain sight. John had been so careful to take his phone since the last time that Sherlock knew he had left it here on purpose. After last night that thought did nothing to ease his anxiety and he didn't waste a moment this time, he phoned Mycroft immediately.
"Good morning brother. To what do I owe this pleasure?" Mycroft answered silkily.
"No time for pleasantries Mycroft. John has gone….without his phone..and I need to know exactly where he is at this moment." Sherlock would probably owe him for this but that didn't matter. He just had to find John.
Mycroft was already pulling up information from the security detail and texting the current watch but couldn't resist taunting his brother. "Trouble in paradise brother? I believe I told you to take care of John, not run him off."
Sherlock snapped back, "Just a little misunderstanding last night, Mycroft. I need to find him so we can talk."
"Yes, yes brother dear. I am working on it. Just give me a moment."
Sherlock was already in the bedroom, putting his phone on speaker so he could get dressed while he waited for Mycroft's information. He was brought short by the quiet sound of his brother over the speaker, "Oh…"
Snatching the phone up he practically yelled at Mycroft, "What?! What is it?! Where is he?!" He listened to Mycroft's reply and couldn't stop his shocked response. "He's Where?!"
John stared out across the manicured grass and flowers, enjoying the smell that wafted through the air on the morning breeze. "I really don't know why I came. It just seems so easy to talk to you. I guess I thought I could work out what I need to say to Sherlock, beforehand you know….like practice." John sighed, he probably shouldn't have left his phone at home, but he really needed to do this in private. "I'm sorry you know, about what happened to you. I'm sure Sherlock is too though he is never going to say it. It hurts a little less everyday but it will never go away. I wish things could have been different but maybe you can help us now. Maybe you can help me find the words to tell your father that I want a child. Maybe you can see to it that he wants one too….you know, make it easy on your dad here." John chuckled a little to himself, thinking he should feel silly having this conversation before he realized he came here all the time for three years to talk to Sherlock. He supposed it wasn't that silly after all, probably just the right place to work this out in his head. "I don't know how to even begin to explain to him about the changes in the bond, the preparations you set in motion. It seems like such a 'normal human' thing and he usually just sneers at those. I suppose I am the exception to that. Maybe he will understand, even though it has made him uncomfortable, he has responded well to the changes so far. I think when the time comes he will make an excellent father. Do you think so? Do you think we will get things right and it will all work out? I hope so. I like to think that you would know somehow and be glad. Sounds crazy right? Well I never have claimed to be one hundred percent right in the head you know, especially after Afghanistan...and your father too, of course"
Sherlock listened to John's one-sided conversation from behind him, not giving his presence away yet, needing to see what John was struggling with so much that it would bring him out here.
Sherlock was stunned when Mycroft told him John was at the cemetery where his headstone remained standing, despite him telling Mycroft to remove it after he returned. Turned out John had asked Mycroft to leave it there. Mycroft relayed how John had often came to the cemetery and sat talking to Sherlock presumably, sometimes even been found sleeping on the grave in the early days. When asked why he had never told Sherlock this before, Mycroft merely replied, "It wasn't relevant."
So Sherlock had made his way to the cemetery and approached John from behind, listening as he poured out his heart to an empty grave. He sat on the ground, leaning back against one side of the headstone, tilting his head back to look at the sky on occasion. Sherlock could just see his sandy hair over the edge of black stone. Sherlock assumed John was still talking to him until he had inched far enough forward to glimpse over the top of the stone. There near the foot of the plot, was a new plaque, adorned with a small nosegay of red roses and bearing the words: Baby Holmes, An Innocent Lost, March 26, 2014. The roses, lush and bright were obviously fresh and brought by John. Sherlock had to step back. He hadn't known about the plaque and wasn't prepared for the surge of grief the sight of it caused. He didn't know if John or Mycroft had had it placed here, but he realized now that John was talking to their child the way he used to talk to Sherlock during his absence. He knew John still grieved for their child even if he wouldn't talk about it and he was glad if this helped him even a little. He mourned the loss of their potential child as well...though, he was sure, not to the same degree John did. He found he was glad the little plaque was there and it seemed appropriate now that his stone remained, watching over the other. Sherlock chuckled at himself, 'Sentiment'. It had only gotten worse since he and John bonded, he thought it was high time he just surrendered to it.
He had continued to pay close attention to John's words and had gathered most of the problem. Awash in a wave of tenderness for the man he loved he approached, clearing his throat to make his presence known.
John only started for a second, then replied without turning around, "I should have known you would find me...Mycroft?"
Sherlock answered with a non-committal, "Mhm." Before asking, "May I," indicating the ground next to John.
John was equally bland, responding with a shrug of his shoulder and, "Meh."
Sherlock lowered himself down on the other side of the stone, still facing slightly away from John as though facing him would cause him to close off and shut him out again. They sat in silence for a few moments before Sherlock took the initiative, "I didn't know about the marker, but I like it. I like that it's here."
John confessed he was a little surprised by that, but kept the conversation going since Sherlock started. "I used to come here all the time to talk to you when I thought you were gone. I thought we should have something to remember her by and here seemed right."
That in turn surprised Sherlock, "Her? I didn't think we could tell the….."
John waved him off quickly, "Yes, yes….it was too early to tell the sex. I don't know if it's an Omega thing or I just like to think of her as a girl, but that is how I see her when I talk to her."
"Ah...I see. I heard you talking to her you know," Sherlock began. "I think I understand most of what you have tried to tell me. I'm sorry we've been so caught up in other things that we couldn't focus on something important to you."
"It's our life Sherlock, that's how it is. But this has to be something important to you as well. I'm sorry I didn't know how to tell you that I wanted another child. I thought you wouldn't want one so I was afraid to even bring it up."
Sherlock glanced down as John spoke, seeing his hand resting on the ground between them. When John had finished, Sherlock eased his left hand over and gently hooked John's little finger with his own, clasping them together on the ground. "I'm sorry you had to worry about that and feel afraid. If we could have talked I could have put your mind at ease at once."
John finally turned toward Sherlock, "Oh yeah? How so?"
Sherlock faced John as well, and took his hand fully, wrapping their fingers close together. "As soon as I found out you were pregnant the first time John, I wanted our child. When 'she' was lost, I grieved and hurt just as you did. But I was so thankful that I hadn't lost you, I hid all that grief in caring for you, helping you heal. Perhaps I should have shared more of that with you, so you wouldn't feel so afraid….so maybe you would know. Just because we lost 'her' and I hid my grief, doesn't mean I stopped wanting to have "our" child. I would love to have that with you, John. Whenever you feel ready is fine with me."
John, not knowing whether to laugh or cry, clenched Sherlock's hand tighter and ended up snorting instead. "Well, that's a whole other issue entirely!" Seeing Sherlock's confusion, John quickly continued, "I'm so glad you told me Sherlock. So glad you want another child with me, but there are some issues with our bond that affect my heats and thus my ability to get pregnant. I think just now we went a long way toward repairing a lot of those issues, but I have no idea how long it could take Sherlock. I don't know if or when my heats will resume. It would seem we are at the mercy of our biology and our bond."
Sherlock nodded. "Well we can begin now, we have nowhere to be that is more important than this so why don't you tell me what happened at your appointment with Doctor Johnson? As I suspect that is where all of this started."
John could only smile in gratitude. Sliding closer to Sherlock and leaning against his shoulder, John began to tell him everything about the doctor's visit, everything Doctor Johnson said, answering Sherlock's questions here and there until they had covered it all. When they were done, John was tucked under Sherlock's arm with his head on the lean shoulder.
Sherlock smiled a bit sadly, "So I really did cause us some damage last night. I am so sorry John."
John quickly shushed him with fingers on his lips, "You didn't know Sherlock. I hadn't had any chance to tell you so it's not entirely your fault. And we can fix it right?" John looked expectantly up at Sherlock.
"Of course John, we can fix it. We just have to remember to spend a little time on ourselves as well as work. And that love, shouldn't be difficult at all." With a smile, he caught John's chin in his right hand and tilted his head to meet his lips, kissing him thoroughly before letting him go again.
John felt so much better than last night and earlier this morning that he giggled when he replied, "Nope. Not the least bit of difficulty here."
Sherlock joined him with a low, soft, chuckle before asking, "Have you eaten?" When John shook his head, Sherlock rose to his feet and offered John his hand bowing slightly at the waist, "Then I propose I take my mate and feed him, if he agrees of course?"
John smiled as he took Sherlock's hand, "Certainly love. I would be happy to, as long as you are joining me." Sherlock tugged him up and into his arms, kissing him tenderly on his nose.
"Always John." Taking John's hand he turned to leave but was quickly stopped.
"Just a minute Sherlock."
Sherlock watched as John turned and squatted down beside the little marker once more. Brushing his hand across the name there, Sherlock heard him quietly say, "Thank you little one. It looks like you helped your dads after all."
John seemed slightly embarrassed when he turned back to Sherlock, but he was only met with an outstretched hand, a smile and a little nod as if to say it was all fine. Returning the nod, John took Sherlock's hand and smiled.
"After you love."