Merry Christmas and happy birthday to Kikyo!
"Kikyo-chan, it's time to get up, Kikyo-chan." Kikyo jumped up at the unnatural awakening and scanned the room to see who the hell had the nerve. "Good morning, Kikyo-chan." A nurse was kneeling by the girl and smiling. "It's time for breakfast." She placed a tray of breakfast food on her bed stand.
"What happened to Tomoe?" Not that she really wanted Tomoe there, but it was just weird to wake up without someone screaming profanities.
"Tomoe-san isn't here today so the doctor instructed me to tend to you today."
"I see…" So Tomoe had finally had enough of the little piece of trash. Kikyo wondered if she was at her home, just waiting to get the news that Kikyo had improved their lives by ending her own. Kikyo could almost see her shaking her head and saying that she saw it coming a mile away and possibly toast later on today at her regained freedom from the little wounded piece of shit she had obligated herself to look after.
The nurse began checking her vitals and taking notes on her current condition. "How are you feeling today, Kikyo-chan?" God, Kikyo was so sick of hearing that!
"Fine." She ground her teeth.
"It seems you're still running a pretty high temperature, considering we've already used a wide variety of medications I don't know if we can…"
"Don't worry about it."
"But Kikyo-chan, it's not safe for one's temperature to remain this high."
"Well it just sucks to be me, now doesn't it?" she snapped and shot the nurse a glare. Instead of yelling or scolding her like a normal person should have done, she just gave the girl a look similar to one that a person gives a dying animal. Son of a bitch! She didn't want anyone's damn pity!
"I'll leave you to your breakfast, Kikyo-chan. When you're done call someone and we'll wheel you into therapy. Okay?"
"Okay." Kikyo watched the nurse leave and shut the door. "Fuck you," she grumbled and threw her breakfast out the window. Kikyo curled back up in her bed, pulling the covers high over her head and pretended that there was nothing going on around her at all.
She must have been laying there for quite some time because eventually she heard her door open once more and footsteps approach her. "Kikyo-chan?" It was the voice of Dr. Takahata whom had been overlooking her physical therapy. "Are you not going to therapy today?" he asked.
"No." What was the point? It wasn't helping any. She couldn't do anything. She couldn't even leave the damn hospital without someone pushing her in a wheelchair!
"Are you not feeling well?"
"No."
"No you're not feeling well or no that's not what's wrong?" Dumbass.
"What the hell do you think it is?" she asked from under her covers. "Leave me alone."
"Kikyo-chan, is this tantrum because Tomoe-san isn't here?" Oh, he did not just call this a tantrum! It was a bitch fit thank you very much! "Tomoe-san's been here very diligently and just went home to get some rest. When she comes back don't you want to show her how much progress you've made?"
"No! No I don't!" She didn't care if she ever saw that bitch ever again! Why did that stupid bitch have to interfere yesterday?! Why couldn't she just let Kikyo end it all then and there?! But no! She had to make a scene and she just had to make Kikyo think about it! If not for her then Kikyo wouldn't be feeling any of this right now!
"Kikyo—"
"Now go away! I don't want you here! I don't want anyone here!" She threw one of her school books that were on the bedside table at the doctor.
"Kikyo-chan, please calm down or—"
"Or what?! You'll sedate me?! You've already used every god damned drug on this earth to try and fix my broken ass but all of it's just gone to shit!" She stood out of bed and continued to throw objects at the doctor. "I'm sick and tired of this hospital! I'm sick and tired of your shit therapy! I'm sick and tired of you! And I'm sick and tired of my fucking life right now!" He had finally backed out enough that Kikyo had been able to slam the door in his face and wedged a chair against it so that no one else could get in and bother her.
She could hear someone fiddling with the door. "Kikyo-chan, please open the door."
"Go to hell and leave me alone." She crawled back into her bed and pulled her knees into her chest.
"Do I need to call your uncle?"
"By all means." Like Oji could do anything to stop her.
"Very well, I will." She heard his footsteps descend down the hallway.
Kikyo rolled her eyes and laid back down in the bed. Both hands were under her pillow and gripping the cold kunai with all her strength. It wasn't too late, she could still do it. All it would take was one good cut and probably not even that considering how sharp the kunai was. Kikyo knew she promised herself that she would try to live, but what good was that doing for anyone? Even by some miracle she got through this what would become of her? Would she spend the rest of her life living in the hospital? Or would she one day be well enough to be able to live on her own and just have to wheel herself everywhere she went? What good would she be then? She couldn't be a shinobi so she would have to live off of her inheritance until she succumb to the Curse and who the hell knew when that would be?
Part of her wished it would come right there and then.
Kikyo fiddled with the kunai in her hand, thinking this over. With her current health the Curse couldn't be too far behind right? Maybe then Tomoe wouldn't spit on her grave and call her weak trash because she technically didn't end her own life. Then again, it wouldn't surprise her if Tomoe did it anyway considering how lowly the kunoichi thought of the girl.
Kikyo wanted to cry, to scream, to shout! She wanted all of this to be over and for all these feelings to go away! She was so tired of being looked at like a failure and a wounded animal! She wished she could show them all that they didn't have to look at her that way. That she could be strong! But that was never going to happen, not without a miracle.
"Kikyo." She heard Oji tapping on her door. "Can you let me in?"
"No," she said in the blandest tone possible. Seriously Oji? You're a ninja for god's sake.
"Please?"
"No."
"Pretty—"
"Oji, I'm not Hotaru. You can't just say pretty please and offer dango to get me to open up."
"… Would you like some dango—"
"No I do not want dango!" she snapped. "Just go away, Oji." She sat up and pulled her knees into her chest.
"Oh Kikyo, honey." She heard Oji walk away from the door.
She knew what the white haired shinobi would do before he even did it which made it no surprise when she saw him sitting on the wall outside her window picking the lock. He wore a big, goofy, triumphant grin when the lock clicked and he sat on the edge. From his squatting position the shinobi had both hands on the sides of the window frame, whether this was to keep his clumsy ass from slipping out or Kikyo from pushing him she didn't know.
He continued to grin like breaking into the hospital room of a near suicidal eight year old was a big, praise worthy accomplishment. Kikyo personally would have preferred to break down the door, but Oji probably didn't want to pay collateral. "Hey kiddo." Kikyo could see the pity in his eyes and it infuriated her! "You okay? Wanna talk about it?" No! She fucking did not!
Kikyo ground her teeth, but was able to quickly devise a plan to get rid of her uncle. The eight year old got out of bed and walked to her uncle. "Oji?" She rubbed her eye and sniffed once.
"What is it, Honey?" He looked almost pitiful.
Kikyo held out her arms to her uncle and he practically squealed.
"Oh Sweety! It's okay, come on! Oji's here!" He held his arms out wide and smiled brightly, waiting for his niece to jump into his arms.
Kikyo use all her strength to push the once balancing man out the window, sending him face first into the ground below and slamming the window behind her. "Sorry Oji." She wore a sad smile as she set the latch once more.
Kikyo wasn't stupid, she knew she couldn't do this forever and she knew sooner or later someone would either bust through the window or kick open the door. She was actually a little surprised they hadn't already. But she just couldn't help herself! She just wanted to be alone and think without people coming in and pretending they cared about her or pretending like they could make all her pain go away! It wouldn't ever go away, that was clear, and Kikyo wanted time to think about what she should do about all this going on around her. Things would be so much easier if she could just end it and be done. That way everyone else could get on with their lives and Kikyo could finally rest through the night peacefully. There was even a little hope in the back of her mind, very very little, that there was an afterlife that would allow her to see her parents again.
"What are you doing?! That's not her room!" Kikyo finally heard after a period of silence in the hallway. So, they were sending in the next shmuck to be hurled down into the dirt. Kikyo spied what weapons she had left in the room to chuck, there was her IV stand-better to save that in case someone actually made it in, several school books, a chair, and her end table. Hm, if whoever showed up looked strong she could use the end table- that would definitely knock them out of the room.
Kikyo's eyes widened and her fists shook at the person whom was quickly able to pick the lock on her window. "What the fuck are you doing here?!" She swallowed the lump in her throat as she continued to yell at the dark haired kunoichi. "Decide you were too impatient to let me do it?! Well fuck you!" she threw that end table as hard as her damaged body would allow her, hoping it would hit Tomoe in the face and do her some kind of harm.
Tomoe ignored her shouting and caught the end table with so little effort that Kikyo wanted to cry. She stepped in and flipped the table over and sat it upright on the floor before grabbing the eight year old by the hair and jerking her back into bed. She slid the table back to its proper place with her foot and put a plate of food down on it. "Eat," she ordered. "Or I will shove it down your fucking throat."
"I don't have to fucking listen to you!" H-how dare she pretend to care again after what she told Kikyo to do?! Did someone make her come back here?!
"Fine." Tomoe grabbed her by the hair again and reached for the food.
No! Let her go! "Fine! Fine! I'll eat! Fucking bitch." Kikyo slowly took a few bites, if Tomoe was hoping to go quickly then Kikyo wouldn't give her the satisfaction. The girl continued until she though that she might get sick, still leaving about half a plate, but she just didn't have any appetite anymore. "There. Happy?" she asked sarcastically.
"Nope." Of course not. Nothing could ever make Tomoe happy. Tomoe then threw down a bag onto the bed next to the girl, Kikyo eyes the thing cautiously. What was that mega-bitch going to do to her?
Tomoe reached in and pulled out a shot glass and set it on the table beside the eight year old's half-eaten food. Then she pulled out a bottle of alcohol and poured a tiny bit into it, about half an ounce. Was she going to do shots right there in the room with Kikyo there? What was the point in doing this? With a sigh, she knocked the bag off the bed and took a seat, leaning her back against the wall and taking a drink straight from the bottle. The hell?! "Drink it. Don't worry, it's lightweight shit."
Kikyo stared at the glass with a look of confused caution. What was Tomoe thinking?! D-did she really just give an eight year old a shot glass with liquor in it?! No, no one was that stupid right? Not even Oji. So why… Sh-she wasn't trying to poison her and get it all over with was she?
"What do you think I did?" Tomoe eyed her curiously. "Poisoned it?" Yes. "Newsflash, runt, poison won't work on you." She jerked her chin. "Now drink up, it'll take the edge off."
"Why are you here?" Kikyo asked, looking up from the glass to glare at Tomoe. "Why are you doing this? You made your feelings perfectly fucking clear last night!" Kikyo bit the inside of her cheeks to keep the heartbroken tears from welling up. She thought Tomoe was strong and cool!-Not that she'd ever tell her that, and she kind of wanted to be like Tomoe, but obviously Tomoe thought different of her.
Tomoe took a long drink from her bottle and sighed. "I didn't mean that how it sounded," she told the girl quietly. "Kikyo…"
"What?" the girl snapped, feeling so hurt and betrayed.
Tomoe let out a groan and just leaned against the wall for the longest time. It kinda looked like she went to sleep and Kikyo wondered for a moment if she could survive a possible escape through the window or maybe out into the hall.
Kikyo was halfway through a possible strategy when Tomoe finally spoke up. "When I was just a little older than you, I thought the world was falling apart all around me."
Really?! She was going to pretend she knew what Kikyo was going through?! "Are you really trying to compare anything that's happened to you to what I'm going through?!" Even if they didn't get along, Tomoe had her father until recently and she was this big, strong, war hero whom everyone looked up to! Kitsune certainly did at least.
Tomoe sighed again and for just a moment she looked older than any other Tadashi Kikyo had ever seen. "Kikyo, I want you to think about it. Yeah, you've lost a lot of people. Yeah, you feel like you're all alone in the world… But you're not the only fucking little bitch that's ever felt that way. I fought in a war, Kikyo. I was on the front lines when I was your age. Do you really think for one fucking second that I haven't lost anything?! Do you not even fucking realize that that was my fucking family too?!"
"Was your sister the one to do it?!"
"No, but I did have a lot of turncoats hit a little too close to fucking home." How dare she compare that to this?! Some of her comrades may have been traitorous, but she didn't grow up with them! They didn't help raise her or play with her or train her or took her anywhere she wanted to go or-or she didn't look up to them! Tomoe sighed and smirked a little after her statement. "Though I guess I have to give you that damn scar. I can't imagine what it must be like to have it."
"Thanks," the girl snarked back at the woman.
"I didn't mean to get into a pissing contest on whose life sucks more." Tomoe sighed for, like, the billionth time since entering the room. "I want to tell you a story." Kikyo sat there and waited, the shot glass still in her hand. "When I was a few years older than you, I got my first opportunity to take the jounin exam."
"Oh great. This is going to be one of those 'Tomoe is awesome' stories, isn't it?" She should have known better! Like she hadn't heard enough of these over the years! The great war hero Tomoe saves the lives of dozens of her comrades with one arm tied behind her back! Whoopy fucking doo.
"No." The woman's voice was grave.
"But you passed the jonin exam." Kikyo rolled her eyes, glad that action didn't hurt. "You're just looking for an excuse to brag."
"I didn't pass my first one," Tomoe snapped. She growled quietly, opening her eyes. "Will you just shut the fuck up and listen for once? Bitch about it when I'm done."
Kikyo huffed. "Fine." She'd throw the shot glass if this was just a glory story.
"Good." Tome settled in for her story. "When I was thirteen, I took the jounin exam for the first time. The task I was assigned for the final part of the exam was to track and assassinate a man by the name of Mibu Sentomaru, a B-Rank ninja from a little village that got wiped out a while back. I was excited, had picked this enemy myself because his clan and ours had a little history. See, the Mibu Clan had been abducting shinobi a couple years before and experimenting on them. This had included Tadashi. So our clan sent someone – my father actually – to wipe them out. But Sentomaru was, reportedly, absent at that time. And, as tracking him down was not something Konoha or the clan could allow the resources to do, he was given a bounty and an upgraded bingo-book page.
"But my father made a mistake. The man I tracked down for my test was not the B-Ranked Sentomaru, but his S-Ranked older brother Sanosuke. When I fought him… I couldn't keep up. I was no match. He caught me, eluded Kushina-san who was acting as my proctor, and took me to a testing facility. His intention was to use me as a lab rat to test a poison he'd invented for Tadashi that would work by attacking the lungs harshly enough to activate the Curse."
Kikyo rolled her eyes. "Which obviously didn't work." Seriously, Tomoe just stated that poison didn't work on Tadashi.
"Oh no, it worked." What? "Well, I don't have practical proof, but the theory is perfectly sound and the forensics unit declared it to be a true statement."
"But you're not dead." Kikyo pieced it all together. "Oh, let me guess, you kicked his ass before he got a chance to use it?" Sounded very Tomoe.
Tome did something Kikyo never saw her do before, she shuddered. To shake it off the kunoichi took another swig of booze. "No, not even close. He toyed with me first. Removed my eyes to replace the ones he'd somehow lost. He did it in the most excruciating way possible. It took a team of our most accomplished medics to put them back in afterwards, and that was agonizing as well. I…" She sighed then shook her head. "Anyway, after he took my eyes he carted me off somewhere… I guess it was some kind of gas chamber. He meant to test the poison on me, but… My rescue team had just arrived. I-I didn't even know it, but… And then… One member of the team," she began again, "found me in that room just before the gas went off. He… He had brought a gas mask, but elected to remove it and put it on me… He took a gas that was designed to kill a Tadashi over me…" She shook her head. "No matter what anyone says, that was on me." She took another drink. "At first when I got home, I was getting a few kicked-puppy looks. Well except from Dear Old Dad who decided I was a poor excuse for a ninja who had acted with nothing but childish foolishness and didn't care who heard him yell that at me.
"Soon after, everyone else seemed to join in, but they were more subtle about it at least. Not that anyone was surprised. Fuck up Tomoe had fucked up again." She shook her head. "It was only about a week later that my best friend died. The kicked-puppy pity came back for a while, but soon enough they decided I hadn't coped correctly and I was taking too long and all that kicked puppy pity turned into patronizing condemnation."
"Oh." None of this sounded like the Tomoe Kikyo knew. Tomoe was always so confident in everything she did and didn't give a shit about what others said about her. Was it really possible that Tomoe had gone through all of that in the span of just a few weeks? Do people really turn on you that fast?
"It'll happen to you too, you know." Kikyo's head shot back up to the kunoichi. "Once they decide you've had enough time to heal – and you won't heal from that grief, not really – they'll start treating you like a pitiful failure." That made a rock drop in Kikyo's stomach. "They'll look down their noses at your pain as if you're beneath them. And for a while, you'll wonder if you are. What I mean is that if you're hoping for things to get better, they won't. They'll get worse. And fucking worse until you'll be looking at that kunai, wondering if you made a mistake that needs correcting. Every time it'll get a little harder… And I honestly won't blame you if you decide to end it. Hell, I wouldn't blame you if you had last night. I don't know if I would have been strong enough to choose a life as hard and painful as yours is going to be. Gotta say, Kikyo, it's admirable."
She watched in awe as Tomoe took another swig. D-did Tomoe just call her admirable?
"You must be drunk," Kikyo announced. There's no way Tomoe would ever compliment her sober.
Tomoe snorted and laughed again, like, really laughed. Weird. Yup, totally drunk. "Maybe a little, but I meant it." She put a hand on Kikyo's head. "Now are you going to drink that or not? Trust me, it'll take the edge off." S-she really meant it? That made Kikyo feel better, just a little bit.
Slowly, Kikyo picked the glass up. But she just held it in her hand and stared at it, thinking about everything Tomoe had just told her. "Hey Tomoe?"
"Hm?" The kunoichi seemed a little out of it.
"If life is really so hard and if it's really only going to get worse… why shouldn't I…?" She gripped the glass tighter to keep from reaching under her pillow.
"I don't know if you're at a point to really understand the whole thing, but… let's just say that moments come along from time to time. They tend to be short and fleeting, but they… they make all the pain and suffering worth it, just a little. Sometimes a lot." What in the world could possibly make all this worth it? What was there left to enjoy considering everything was gone?
"Well if you can't really explain it, give me an example." She really wanted to know what to look out for.
"I didn't say I couldn't explain it, I said you couldn't understand it." She poked Kikyo's forehead. "And I am not nearly drunk enough to tell you about those. Sorry." What the…? "Now take a drink, booze is about the only thing that'll help. Well it's the only thing that ever seemed to help mine anyway."
"Y-yours?!" Kikyo asked, forgetting her curiosity over the first half of Tomoe's statement.
"Yep." Tomoe took a swig. "It's not half as bad as yours, but I've been marked by Kyuketsukito too," she said as though it were nothing.
What?! …. WHAT?! "What? But I thought you wielded it?! Wait, did she—" So… so she did try and kill everyone! Tomoe only got away grazed and-and… how the fuck did Oji survive?
"No, kid." Tomoe's answers halted what was becoming an epic battle between Tomoe and Oji versus Kitsune. "Your sister's not half as good with Kyuketsukito as she thinks she is, definitely not enough to catch me in that move. I know it better than anyone alive."
"Then how…?"
"That's the thing about Kyuketsukito. You have to mean it when you wield her. One time when I was using that move your sister used on you, I hesitated. And, well…" Kikyo watched as Tomoe wore a pained expression and reached up to the neckline of her blue jonin shirt and pulled it down to show the girl the angry not-quite-shaped scar on her shoulder. "I managed to catch myself and push forward in time to keep myself from winding up like you, but my arm was shit after. I couldn't use it at all for months. It was weeks before I could open and close my fist without that half of my body spasming. You're a lot stronger than you think you are." Tomoe stood up. "Now down that and go to sleep. We both could use some and I can't let those morons know I let you have that."
Kikyo looked down at the small glass. How could this much of anything ever be able to take the edge off? She looked up at Tomoe skeptically and the kunoichi looked down at with a raised eyebrow. Kikyo closed her eyes and turned the glass up. "Oh god!" she coughed. The liquid was horrible tasting and burned going down her throat. "What the hell did you give me?! Acid?! How the fuck was that supposed to take the edge off?!"
Tomoe then did something Kikyo never saw her do. She went into full-blown, snorty, laughter. It was weird. "Oh god that was rich!" she exclaimed between snorts.
"You did that on purpose!" Kikyo pointed accusingly. "You gave me acidic, defective, alcohol!"
This made Tomoe laugh even more.
"It's not funny!" Kikyo's face went red.
Tomoe finally calmed down and wiped a tear from her eye. Bitch. "Woo! I really needed that." Kikyo crossed her arms and glared at her. "Ah calm down kid, there have been much worse reactions to first drinks."
Kikyo's response was an annoyed growl.
"No, really!" she laughed some more. "Let me tell you about this one time…" Tomoe then went into a 'This one time' story about a clansman whom didn't have a very good first drinking experience. Those stories were always funny. Like, the onetime Hogoken blew a guy across the field during his Ken no Keisho. Or the onetime a clansman activated his Ryugan while traveling through the trees and got so distracted by something that he slammed head first into a limb… Good times.
Tomoe ended her story and things got quiet for a moment. "Tomoe?" Kikyo looked up. "What do you think I should do now? Is it really worth trying to go on when things are just going to get harder and I can't even be a ninja anymore?"
Tomoe sighed. "Kid, I ain't got a horse in that race. It don't matter what I think you should do—"
"Yes it does." Kikyo interrupted forcefully. "It matters a lot what you think." She wanted to know what Tomoe thought, what she really thought. If there was any hope left for Kikyo or if she was just taking up space and wasting oxygen.
"No, it doesn't. It doesn't matter what I think or what I tell you now, not really. You've already got an answer in that head of yours even if you don't know it." She stood up, knocking back a long swig before grabbing her bag. "But I will say that you shouldn't sell yourself short. You'd be amazed how many active jonin there are that have heard, at some point or another, that they couldn't make it as a ninja anymore." Tomoe ruffled her hair as she snatched the booze and shot glass and shoved them back in her bag before removing the chair from the door and exiting the room, leaving Kikyo to stew on everything she had been told.