Chapter 23: Amends
Theo had disappeared shortly after breakfast the next morning, and Dorian hadn't seen him since. He'd asked Cullen regarding his whereabouts, but Cullen didn't know. "Maybe he needs some time to himself after last night," Cullen said.
"Perhaps it was a mistake to ask him to consider those matters so soon," Dorian mused.
Cullen was pensive. "Possibly. There was no way of knowing otherwise, though. After Kinloch Hold, I recovered in a nearby Chantry. When I was asked to transfer to Kirkwall I wasn't sure if I should go or remain at the Chantry longer. I wrestled a lot with what to do." He scratched at his chin. "I struggled between whether I was avoiding my duties, and if I truly needed more time to recover. In the end I chose to go to Kirkwall. I may have needed more time, but there really is no way of knowing that you're truly ready to move forward until you just just do."
Dorian nodded; it was as he'd feared, no simple answers. "Thank you, Cullen. Your experiences, horrendous as they were, have yielded valuable insights."
"The Maker employs harsh teachers sometimes," he said a bit ruefully. "But Theodane is blessed to have you, Dorian."
Dorian thanked him and moved on, but didn't get far before a page in Inquisition livery stopped him. A pang twisted in his stomach: most of these people didn't know that their livelihood of the past three years was on the line. "Parcel for you, Ser," the young man said, handing Dorian a box wrapped in parchment, tied with a light blue silk string. He took it and the page bowed before leaving him.
He slipped into his rooms; the palace staff was finishing cleaning for the morning and had left the windows open, letting in the pleasant breeze. He locked himself in the washroom and opened the package. A folded note rested atop an intricately carved and polished wooden box.
Pavus,
My thanks for your payment. I acquired the requested items and took the liberty to have them set-at my own expense, as my thanks to you for providing me with a worthy challenge of my contacts and abilities.
It wasn't signed, but Dorian knew, from the magic thrumming in the box, that Savos Enchinus had acquired and sent along the sending crystals. Dorian had almost forgotten he'd requested them in the flurry of uncertainty over the last week and a half. He opened the box, and on a bed of gray velvet rested two pale blue, hexagonal gems set in silverite and threaded on carefully wrought chains. When he looked closer there was a lazy pearlescent swirling just beneath the surface of the gems.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, which he let out slowly. Of course Savos sent these; Maevaris hadn't been involved in the actual negotiation, and had made it clear that any correspondence would have to be between Dorian and Savos on this matter. He had written to Mae the day after he'd come back through the mirror to let her know that his plans to return were now indefinitely delayed.
Receiving the order from Savos only reminded Dorian that his heart was truly still in two places at once.
I can't go back now, he thought, taking a moment to smooth his hair and his robes. It was out of the question, especially after last night's outburst. Eventually, yes, especially if Theo was retiring his mantle as the Inquisitor. Maybe they could have that little quiet townhouse in Minrathous after all, someday.
He emerged from the washroom; the staff was gone, the bed neatly made and fresh flowers in the cut crystal vases on the gilt side tables. He opened his trunk to stash away the small box for the time being, and his hand brushed against more velvet. Dorian furrowed his brow and rummaged around before pulling out the green velvet and gold embroidered bag containing the decanter of Aureos whiskey. Dammit. Tevinter would not release him so easily today. But… maybe he could share Tevinter with Theo, at least to start. There had been so little opportunity to do so.
Dorian wandered the halls and peered into rooms, but there was no sign of Theo. Varric and Bull were playing chess; Cullen, Melina, and Leliana were sipping tea and reminiscing about their times together, and the state of the Chantry currently. Josephine and Cassandra were probably trying to appease the rest of the Exalted Council. He tried Cassandra's door anyway, and was surprised when she opened it. "Dorian. I assume you are looking for your husband?"
He nodded. "I know you're not his keeper, but thought you may have seen him? Or he came to you for spiritual guidance?" he asked with a smile.
She snorted and ushered him inside her suite. "He is out in the garden, picking flowers of all things."
Dorian quirked an eyebrow and Cassandra showed him to the door leading out into her private gardens. It didn't take long to find Theo picking out flowers one stem at a time: roses, crystal grace, and Andraste's grace. He glanced up when Dorian's shadow fell upon him. He'd rolled up his left sleeve so it didn't dangle in the dirt, his palm was scratched from the thorns, and the back of his neck was red from the sun bearing down on him. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and left a smear of dirt across his face.
"Always a sight, Amatus," Dorian said with a smile. "Dare I ask what you're doing?"
Theo paused to take a swig from the water skin at his side, shaking his head when Dorian instinctively moved to help him. "My sister Gwyneth had this blue and gray glass horse our father had brought home from a trip to Orlais once. I think I was about seven or eight. I wanted to see it more closely but I was young and clumsy."
"You broke it," Dorian guessed, and Theo nodded.
"She was so upset. I was too embarrassed and upset to tell her I was sorry, so… I went out to the gardens and picked her flowers." He stared at the flowers he'd gathered so far. "I thought Josephine might like the gesture as well."
"You could have any florist in the palace, or even in all of Orlais do that," Dorian told him, kneeling down next to him in the dirt and grass.
"I know. Ever since becoming Inquisitor I've had people doing things for me, but there are some things I need to do myself. Like this," he said, hefting the small pruning shears in his hand and clipping another rose. He moved quickly, snipping the stem, dropping the shears, and catching the flower in his hand. "Luckily I always had good reflexes, I suppose."
"Would you like me to leave you to this?" Dorian asked, brushing a leaf off his shoulder. "Give you some time to think?"
Theo bit his lip. "Actually, would you stay? We don't have to talk, but just having you here helps."
"Of course, love," Dorian told him. "Let me see if Cassandra has anything I can read."
"She probably finished Varric's latest novel by now," Theo said, his face breaking into a slight grin. "You could read that."
They spent the afternoon quietly at first, but soon Dorian couldn't resist reading passages of Varric's novel aloud. Theo didn't laugh, not the way he would have a month ago, but he did chuckle, and eventually set down the pruning shears and leaned against Dorian while he read. Then the afternoon sun grew warm and the air drowsy and sweet, and the page blurred before Dorian's eyes. He glanced down, thinking Theo was already asleep, but he was resting his head in his lap and staring up at him. "I should probably go find Josephine," he said, struggling to prop himself up.
"Like that?" Dorian asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Maybe she'll find it endearing," Theo said with a halfhearted shrug as he started trying to gather the flowers. "I really do feel bad."
They headed back inside and Dorian found a silk ribbon to tie the bouquet together while Theo's cheeks burned with embarrassment. Dorian sighed. "So you can't tie a bloody bow," he said, handing Theo the flowers. "Many people with the proper number of hands can't." He meant it to be humorous, but it just made Theo turn even redder. "Too much thoughtfulness for one day," Dorian finally told him. "Do your business, and when you return to our room we'll have a splendid evening in, just the pair of us." He gave Theo a light kiss on the cheek. Theo managed an offhand smile, but Dorian couldn't miss the fear in his green eyes.
Fear of facing the Josephine-or the Wrath of Ruffles, as Varric had said once (and only once)- or fear of facing Dorian intimately?
Theo took a deep breath and rapped on the door of Josephine's study. He kept himself planted, much as he wanted to turn away, and when she called for him to come in he steeled himself and entered. "Inquisi-"she caught herself. "Theodane. Welcome." She smiled from behind the mountain of paperwork she was working on.
"I'm sorry," he blurted out before he lost his nerve and before she laid into him. "You're right, I don't know what you've been dealing with, and I took what I'm dealing with out on you. Here." He held out the flowers.
Josephine came out from behind her desk and took the bouquet. She sniffed the various blooms before setting the flowers down on her desk in the middle of all her papers. Theo braced himself for another stinging smack across the cheek, but instead she pulled him into a hug. When she released him, her amber eyes were teary. "I am sorry as well," she said, pulling a chair closer and gesturing for him to sit. She grabbed a small bell on the corner of her desk and rang it, and an Inquisition servant appeared. "Tea?" she asked, and the servant bowed.
"Sometimes I forgot that we were on the same side," she began. She leaned back in her chair and rested one foot on a small embroidered footstool. It may have been the most relaxed Theo had ever seen her in the three years they'd known one another. "The conflicts were so far-reaching that it took all of us to attack it from many different angles. And I rather like order and control, you see."
"Could have fooled me," Theo said with a smile. The servant arrived and sat the tea tray down on the table between the chairs. He nodded his thanks when she poured him a cup.
Josephine took a quick sip. "The fact that the Council was called, and we had no choice but to attend, and the fact that everything was such a delicate balance... I realize I never asked you what you wanted to do about the Inquisition before we left Skyhold. I just assumed that we needed to continue on our course."
"I didn't know what I wanted by then," Theo admitted. "We'd stopped Corypheus and were just sort of in limbo waiting for the next world-altering threat. Ironically it took the Exalted Council for that to happen."
"And that was so unexpected and there was no time to formulate coordinated strategies," she said. "It was all out of control, and that… well, that frightened me." She drank her tea and took a long look at him. "You've done so much that I often forget how young you are," she said.
He laughed. "I feel ancient."
"You've experienced more in three years than most people do in their lives," she said. "I guess the real question is what will you do if you're not Inquisitor?"
"Other than avoid certain death yet again?" he asked, looking at her over the rim of his teacup. "Probably try to live again. Dorian and I never did get a proper honeymoon."
Josephine chuckled, and Theo did smile, but his insides twisted as if he'd swallowed a bunch of live worms. Dorian. He'd been there, unquestioning and devoted through this whole ordeal. Theo shuddered to think of what Dorian: pristine, coiffed, manicured Dorian had probably done while he was unconscious. He'd never said anything other than he was grateful Theo had survived (again), but it still made him nervous to think about being with him again after all that had happened to him.
"Apology accepted?" he asked her after a moment.
"Yes, of course. Thank you for the flowers," she added. "I honestly do not remember the last time a man brought me flowers." She blushed slightly. "It was thoughtful of you. And hard as it is for me to relinquish control, whatever you decide I will support you as I always have."
"That means the world, Josephine," he told her, taking her hand and squeezing it. "What about you?"
"I have been in contact with my family in Antiva, and think that I may be able to assist them in reversing their fortunes with the vast amount of contacts I have amassed," she said. "I do enjoy a challenge."
So Josephine was going home. Varric was probably going back to Kirkwall to resume his Viscount duties, and to collect on his bet with his Seneschal. That was two of his circle with plans and places to go. As for the others, he didn't know yet. As for himself, he didn't know yet.
He rounded a corner and nearly walked into the Iron Bull and Krem. "Boss! Didn't hear you coming," Bull said, voice just a little too loud. Krem excused himself and Theo wished he could do the same.
"Did you need to go after…" Theo said, aimlessly gesturing in Krem's direction. His face burned and the strange phantom pains in his arm made his missing fingers want to twitch. Theo found it hard to glance up at Bull after his angry outburst the night before, but even more because it was hard to face him-especially when Bull actually looked uncomfortable being face to face, alone, with Theo.
"No, no, I'll catch up with him later. Looks like you've been busy today?"
"Yeah, a little," Theo said, scuffing his toe along the floor.
"Were you just with Josephine?"
"Yeah. I wanted to tell her I was sorry for last night."
"How'd she take it?"
"We're okay now," Theo said. The thick tension made his ribs feel tighter and his stomach twist. Bull didn't do small talk. "I guess I'm trying to make things right with everyone else, so…" He took a deep breath. "I know you did it to save me and I'm grateful. It's just a lot to get used to."
Bull let out his breath and the tension went out of his shoulders. "It wasn't my first choice, believe me."
"Or mine." Theo cleared his throat. "I just need some time. I'm sure you get it, with… you know." He glanced up at Bull's eyepatch.
Bull cracked a smile. "Take what time you need, Boss."
Theo nodded his thanks and hurried back toward his rooms. He made a mental note to thank Leliana and Cullen for the work their staff did to keep the public away. He would have to face it all eventually. He couldn't avoid it forever, even if it terrified him.