Chapter 24: Dangerous Obsession
"Dor?" he called when he walked into the room and closed the door behind him. He looked around. The lamps had been dimmed and a fire danced on the hearth.
"In here." Theo followed Dorian's voice to the washroom. Steam curled up from the tub and Dorian's fingers glowed a subtle reddish orange as his mana sent heating magic to keep the water warm. "The spa sent up some samples so I took the liberty of starting a nice soak," he said. The humidity made his dark hair curl and his skin glisten. "Join me?"
Theo bit his lip and avoided Dorian's gaze. Usually such soaks in the tub led to touching and feeling and kissing and sex. It had been a long while since they'd been together; when he thought about it, the last time they'd been intimate it had been their first night together here at the palace. It felt like another life. He glanced at his empty left sleeve. It had been another life. "It's okay, I'll wait until you're done," he murmured. He turned away.
Dorian rose, the warm scented water streaming off his body. The water sloshed and splashed over the rim of the large tub as he stepped out and grabbed Theo's wrist. Theo looked down; he looked away. He looked anywhere but at Dorian, glistening with bath water in the golden candlelight, confident and calm and beautiful. And whole.
Dorian didn't say anything; he just started undoing the lacing on the front of Theo's rumpled and dirty shirt and his long, elegant fingers slipped under the hem, trailing along Theo's torso. Any other time Dorian's touch would have left Theo tingling and hungry for him. "I… I don't think…" he stammered.
"Just a bath. Gardening has left you filthy." Dorian's other hand tilted Theo's chin up so he could meet his eyes. Theo took a shuddering breath. He'd never feared being vulnerable with Dorian before. He nodded and let Dorian help him out of his shirt, and then his breeches. Dorian was soft and gentle and didn't tease or try to titillate him, and then took his hand and helped him into the tub.
Theo sank down into the water, holding his left upper arm to his torso as if he could hide it, even though logically he knew he couldn't. This was far worse than that very first time they'd shared a tub back at Griffon Wing Keep and he'd been so embarrassed for Dorian to see him entirely naked the first time. He bit his lip and dared a glance at Dorian, but his husband was reclining with his head back against the edge of the tub, eyes closed.
He reached for a bar of scented soap and rubbed it along a cloth, then worked to clean off the grime from his time out in the sun in the garden. He glanced at Dorian again, but Dorian remained relaxed. Theo struggled more and swore when the soap slipped out of his hand yet again. He slapped the washing cloth against the water's surface and tried to calm himself with a deep breath.
This time Dorian did look at him. "You need only ask, Amatus," Dorian told him, his grey eyes soft. Theo shrugged and Dorian slid over to him. He ran the soap over Theo's shoulders and back, his hands warm and rubbing away tension as well as dirt. Theo's neck and shoulders started to loosen up and he sighed as he relaxed into Dorian's touch. Dorian let him see to his left side himself, before gathering Theo into his arms. Theo let Dorian hold him and focused on the buzz of Dorian's magic against his back and the security of Dorian's arms around his torso. "Are you in any pain?" Dorian asked.
"Not really, no," Theo said after a moment. His left arm was mostly numb, but sometimes he felt twinges of… something or other where his hand used to be. It was disconcerting more than painful.
They toweled off and dressed. The room was cozy and warm from the fire. Someone had come and laid out a dinner spread while they were bathing. "I was putting something away in my trunk earlier and realized I never gave you the gifts I brought you from Tevinter," Dorian said with a smile. His eyes shone and once again Theo tried to ignore the pang that always seemed to rise whenever Dorian mentioned Tevinter these days.
Dorian unwrapped one parcel and set it before Theo, who was sitting in the middle of the bed. "What's this?" Theo asked, trailing his hand over the green silk.
"You know my copper colored Tevinter silk shirt?"
"Oh, you mean my Tevinter silk shirt?" Theo asked with a grin. Dorian had let him wear it once; it had never quite made it back into Dorian's wardrobe, and the times that Theo took it out to wear on occasion at Skyhold had left Dorian wistfully eyeing his pilfered shirt.
"I got you a green one of your own," Dorian explained. He sat next to Theo and shook out the garment. He held it up to Theo's bare torso and smiled. "Perfect," he whispered. "Put it on?" Theo nodded and let Dorian help him into the shirt. It was soft against his skin and seemed to float around his body. "I can have a tailor see to it, if you'd like," Dorian offered, fidgeting with the left sleeve.
"We'll worry about it later," Theo said. He leaned in and gave Dorian a kiss. Dorian's lips almost trembled beneath his own. "This is lovely, thank you. It will go nicely with my other one," he said and dodged a teasing swat from Dorian. "What's that?"
Dorian opened a small pouch and produced a lovely silverite and peridot cloak brooch. "It was one of my first days in Minrathous. I was wandering the market, missing you terribly, when I saw this flash of green. It reminded me of you," he said. Theo couldn't remember the last time Dorian looked shy. Vulnerable. Theo had missed him so badly when he was gone. What had he done? Gone out riding across the Dales wiping out Venatori, while Dorian managed to find reminders of him even in the heart of the Imperium.
"I'll make it up to you, Dor," Theo said, turning the brooch in the light to watch it sparkle. "This is beautiful. Thank you so much." Dorian took his hand and led him to the small table where dinner waited. The wine had already been poured, and the meal, Theo noted, was already in bite-sized pieces-on both plates. "If this is the reward I get for almost dying, I'll take it," he said jokingly as they began their meals.
Dorian shook his head and took a sip of wine. "No more dying for you. I don't think my heart can take much more," he said. Under the table, his foot lightly caressed Theo's leg. "How did things go with Josephine?"
"She liked the flowers." It had been such a simple gesture, but she truly had appreciated it, and it made him feel better about making amends with her. "She said she may go back to Antiva. I got to thinking what we might do," he said. He took a hasty sip of wine. Without the Inquisition to hold and maintain it, chances were good Skyhold would empty out and be another ruin lost to time until someone else needed it in the far-flung future.
"What about spending some time with your family in Ostwick?" Dorian asked.
"Tevinter still off limits?" Theo asked, his spirits falling a bit. He made himself keep eating.
"Give it time, Amatus. We'll go one day." Dorian dabbed his lips with his napkin. "Besides, I'd love to see your family again. Your parents love me." Theo snorted. "What? How could they not? I make their son radiantly happy. I do, don't I?"
Theo chuckled. "Of course you do. And yes, I suppose they do like you."
"No, no, they love me." Dorian batted his long lashes at Theo, who finally shook his head and conceded, still laughing.
They finished eating and Dorian rummaged in his trunk. "Finally, my last gift from Tevinter, but one, I think, that needs to be shared." He pulled a crystal decanter of amber liquid from a green velvet bag.
"Whiskey? You don't really like whiskey."
"I don't, but I hadn't had whiskey from Tevinter's oldest and best distillery," Dorian said. They sat on the bed, leaning against the pillows and bolsters. "Perhaps it's because I'm a snob about all things Tevinter, or perhaps it really is that good. Care to help me figure out which it is?" he asked with a grin. He pulled out the stopper and held the decanter to Theo to sniff.
It was potent but pleasant, the smell alone nearly enough to relax him. Dorian poured a small measure in a glass, touched it with his ice magic, and handed it to Theo. Theo took tiny sips which burned trails of warmth going down his throat and sat in his stomach on top of his dinner. It left him feeling heavy and sleepy. "You never got the chance to tell me much about how things went back home," he said, curling up on his side and watching Dorian.
"I saw my father a few times. We disagreed, as usual. I spent time with Maevaris Tilani, and met some of her friends whom I daresay are more spirited than this fine whiskey." He furrowed his brow. "What's wrong?"
Theo rubbed at an itch on his left arm, near what remained of his elbow. "Did you see other people you'd known?"
Dorian reached over and brushed his hair off his forehead. "I did not. And if I had, it's been years since I was in Tevinter. I'm a much different person now. For the better, thanks to a certain handsome man from the Free Marches," he added with a smile. The firelight warmed his dark skin and reflected in his eyes. His hand drifted down to gently cup Theo's cheek.
Theo rested into Dorian's touch. "I'm sorry. I just see how happy you are when you talk of Tevinter. And then… no, it's stupid." He wriggled away from Dorian and drank down the rest of his whiskey.
"No, please, go on."
Theo felt a little queasy. "I think about you back there someday, catching someone's eye, because how could you not, I mean look at you," he said, and Dorian grinned, basking in the praise.
"I am a sight," Dorian said, pouring a bit more into Theo's glass. "I'm sure I've caught many eyes over the years. But that's not what troubles you."
Theo shook his head. "I think… I think what you could do with a man with two arms." His voice came out a choked whisper. He hardly dared look at Dorian; but he'd needed to say it, to define the first of many insecurities that now plagued him.
Dorian didn't slap him; he didn't even playfully swat at him. He hooked one finger under Theo's chin and met his eyes. "Nothing," he said. "There is nothing I could do with a man with two arms, because the man I love, and pledged my enduring faithfulness to in the sight of the Maker, only has one." He scooted nearer and kissed Theo. Theo's eyes welled up and his heart beat faster. "I fell in love with you for your brilliant mind and your compassion and humility, not the number of limbs you have." Dorian pulled away for a moment and shrugged out of his shirt. For a moment Theo froze; Dorian had eased his fears and insecurities, but he still wasn't sure if he was ready for more.
But Dorian tossed his shirt to the side and turned to face Theo. "Tell me what you see."
Theo took in Dorian's lean muscles and smooth, coppery skin. Dorian called a small flame to his fingertips for more light, and then Theo saw the long lines of paler scar tissue; they'd healed so well he sometimes forgot they were there. "When I almost lost you to Corypheus," he murmured.
Dorian nodded. He took Theo's hand and guided his fingertips along the scars. "They've healed up rather well, but for a time I was embarrassed by them."
"Why? I never cared. I was just so grateful you survived."
"And that is why I hardly think of them anymore," Dorian said. "I'd been raised to achieve perfection, and those scars were imperfections. But you never cared, and that was better than being perfect. That you could love me as I am." Dorian reached for Theo's left arm. "I know you are healing and dealing with many things, Amatus. But please trust me when I tell you that I love you as you are?"
Theo willed his left arm to remain still, and gave Dorian a slight nod. He felt Dorian's hand through the smooth, Tevinter silk of his shirt, trailing down toward his elbow. He closed his eyes and his breath hitched in his throat when he knew Dorian's hand touched the emptiness below that. Then he was folded in Dorian's arms, safe and sound with his love murmuring musical, nonsensical Tevene that must have been some sort of lullaby; combined with the whiskey and the overflowing emotions, he fell into a deep sleep.
Dorian let the sheets fall from his torso as he sat up, yawning. "You haven't really said much about what happened before I came through the Eluvian after you."
The word 'Eluvian' made Theo's heart skip. Dorian climbed out of bed and rested his hands on Theo's shoulders. He'd tried putting it out of his mind, but thoughts of Solas, and what he'd done kept coming back to him. Part of his future plans involved not just settling down somewhere with Dorian, but eventually learning to fight again, and going after the trickster.
He set his quill down and reached up to take Dorian's hand. "You once told me I had a strange talent for finding… what was it? Crazy people bent on becoming gods. I found Solas," he said, aloud for the first time since coming back. "And he's not bent on becoming a god. He is one."
Dorian sat next to him and examined him with a critical eye. "Are you sure you didn't get knocked on the head out there, and just didn't tell anyone?" Theo shook his head and explained what he'd learned. Dorian appeared skeptical. "To quote Varric, this shit is indeed weird," he finally said. "Are you sure what he meant?"
"Have you noticed that all of the servants in the palace are human?" Theo asked him. It was something he'd noted while he was still confined to his room. "You can't tell me all the elves serving here were Viddethari."
"You think…"
"He's still out there and I need to go after him."
"Amatus. Theo. You can't mean…"
"I can, and I do, Dor." He looked at his list. "Not right away, obviously. I have things to do first. But I will find him, and I will kill him."
"I thought you were through fighting," Dorian said quietly. He looked at Theo's list. "Discuss elven numbers with Leliana? Do you really think he planted so many spies under our noses?"
"He caused the fucking Breach and we didn't know it until the Viddasala of all people told us!" Theo pulled his list away from Dorian. "We-I- let him pull my strings for over a year and thought he was just trying to help and was just a quirky apostate. He's Fen'Harel embodied, and he's going to destroy our world."
"I love you, Theodane. I do. But you've done so much already. Perhaps this is one battle you have to let someone else fight?" Dorian's voice was pleading.
"You hardly believe me," Theo told him. Dorian started to reply, but he shook his head. "I know you do, but you're skeptical. I can see it in your eyes. You've every right to be skeptical. But if you barely believe it, and you went there with me… who else will? Who else is going to want to fight this?"
"I nearly lost you to Solas's magic once," Dorian said. "Please don't make me go through that again." His voice was low and soft. He pressed his full lips together in a thin, bloodless line. "I've been with you every step of the way through this. I know you have sacrificed and struggled. I have as well, though, and I'd rather not any longer if I don't have to."
Theo took a deep breath, prepared to launch into a speech about why he had to do this, how Dorian just had to understand that… but one look at the pained expression on his husband's face, and Theo stopped. He exhaled slowly. "You're right," he said, because Dorian was right, but he knew that he also had to go after Solas. But for now he had to focus on the present. He couldn't let Solas become a dangerous obsession.
He would write to Ostwick and let his family know they were coming for an indefinitely long visit. He would ask Cassandra to reconvene the Exalted Council one last time. And he would try to stop fighting battles that were no longer his. Try.