It was late. My hands in the sink, soap foam reaching my wrist as I was doing the dishes, I sighted thinking about the hundreds of things I still needed to do before going to sleep. I just wanted to go to bed and sleep for weeks. I was so exhausted these past few days. I was feeling sick again and my nausea was stronger than ever, so I hadn't eaten with Killian and Liam. It was a bit useless anyway, I would have thrown up again if I had tried to eat anything. I couldn't take it anymore. I was trying to stay positive, but with all the problems I had to face lately, I was really starting to feel down. Big time.

Killian had read his bedtime story to Liam that night. We were telling him tales before bed every night, and I knew he loved these moments very much. But I was still hearing them in the living room, laughing, whereas my son should have been in bed for at least half an hour already. I bit my lower lip, trying to stay calm, but I was so nervous I was feeling like I was going to break something. I wiped off my hands on a towel to go see what was going on with the both of them and why Liam wasn't in bed yet.

I walked into the living room to see Liam bursting out laughing as Killian was tickling him. It was hard to know which one of them was having the most fun. I got a bit annoyed by this vision, because it wasn't the time to play. Our son was supposed to be in bed, and I was annoyed by Killian's irresponsible behavior. I then started talking in an unusual cold voice, and he looked up to look at me.

"It's late. He should be in bed."

"Give me one minute, Swan. We're in the middle of a battle, and I'm winning."

If it had been any other day, I would have smiled seeing this childish side of him, because it was usually making me laugh a lot. But I wasn't in the mood. I knew that if they kept on playing, Liam wouldn't sleep and I really needed some rest. I just wanted to go to bed. I least, when I was asleep, I wasn't throwing up. And I really needed to lay down for a while because I was so exhausted I was feeling like I could collapse at any moment.

"Seriously, Hook, it's useless to read him a bedtime story if it's to play with him afterward. You're getting him excited all over again."

"What?" Killian asked with a frown, stopping his game, surprised by the unusual tone I had just used to talk to him.

"He's not going to sleep, and I'm the one who's going to have to get up and rock him, as always, but I'm exhausted and I just want to go to bed. Why can't you understand that?"

"As always?" He repeated him in an offended way. "Are you kidding me? Swan, you know we're getting up alternately to talk to him when he's not sleeping."

"In theory yeah, but in reality, it's different." I said loudly, feeling as if I was going to get really mad but knowing deep down that I was being unfair to him.

"Look, Swan, I know you're not feeling well right now, and I'm sorry about that." He answered dryly, his jaw clenched in anger. "But you can't tell these kind of things. You know it's not true, I'm taking care of Liam as much as you do. And you probably need something to get mad about because you're in a bad mood, but I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of your mood swings, believe me."

"You're sick?" I shouted, horribly mad because of his comment. "Really? I'm the one who is throwing up every single day, you're in perfect health! If someone has to be sick of everything, it is me, not you!"

"Well, stop complaining, because if you had gone to see Whale as I'm telling you since day one, you would have gotten better already! But no, you're too bloody stubborn for that!" He cried out, getting really angry as Liam was looking at us with his eyes widened, not used to seeing us arguing. "But it's me who have to live with you and your freaking mood swings, and it's driving me crazy! It's unbearable!"

Unbearable? The word was ringing inside my brain and seemed to bounce against my skull. I was feeling angry, but also upset by this revelation. I was unbearable for him, then? But I was the one who had to live with my fucking health, not him! I would have wanted to see him in my shoes, see how he would have reacted. He couldn't expect me to stay calm with everything I was living right now! I couldn't believe him and his words. He was usually so sweet with me, and seeing him acting like that was making me want to punch a wall.

"You know what?" I ended up shouting, and he startled. "Screw you!"

I didn't wait for an answer and walked toward the front door. I crossed it, slamming it behind me, and arrived under the porch of our big house. The cold wind seemed to wake me up from my anger, and I suddenly took my head in my hands, realizing that I had been absolutely wrong. I needed to calm down. Things had escalated so quickly, and I was feeling so guilty about what I had said. I didn't know why I had gotten mad like this at him, the man who was always there for me. He was taking care of Liam all the time. He was supporting me every day, and what I had said was awful. He had been right to get mad, because I had been unfair, even if his words had hurt me. The truth was I was so nervous I had needed to get mad about something, but Killian wasn't deserving this kind of treatment. He hadn't done anything wrong, and I had yelled at him for no reason. I was hating myself for acting that way.

I sat down on the stairs, my elbows on my knees, too weak to be able to stay on my feet. It was cold, I was shaking because I was only wearing a t-shirt and leggings, but I didn't care. I was only thinking about how unfair I had been. I had to go and apologize to Killian. I didn't know how much time he could bear with my mood. He had said pretty harsh things as well, but he was only right. He was always so patient with me, because I knew I could be a real bitch these past few weeks. And it was awful I had got mad at him, him who was always there for me, who had never let me down. He was amazing, and he was deserving so much better than a crazy lady yelling at him like that. I sighted, deciding that I would go and talk to him when I would be calmed down. I didn't want to create another argument, and I was still feeling the adrenaline running in my veins.

"It's time to go to sleep now, Liam"

Killian's voice made me startle. I turned my head to see where it was coming from, but he wasn't under the porch with me. I needed a few more seconds to realize that Liam's baby phone was hanging at my belt, and that I was hearing Killian talking from our son's room. I took the device in my hand and squeezed it tight to hear what he was saying. Hearing his voice was comforting me for some reason. My heart was already starting to pound slower in my chest.

"Mommy is comming to say night-night too?" My little boy asked, and I couldn't help but smile a bit.

"No, she isn't, little mate." Killian said gently. "Not tonight. Mommy is sick, so you have to be a good boy and sleep well, okay?"

"Okay. Night, Daddy."

"Good night, Liam"

I didn't hear anything for a little while and ended up placing the baby-phone back at my belt. I took my face in my hands again, trying to clear up my mind. I tried to think about what Killian had said during our argument. He was right about everything. I had to go see Whale, I knew it, and it was my fault if I was feeling so bad because I didn't want to go and see a doctor. I had to know what was going on with me. We couldn't go like that forever. But I was so scared about what he was going to tell me, so I was always postponing the appointment as if it was going to solve my problem. But I had to face my fear. I couldn't live like that anymore. I needed answers, it was getting really urgent.

I suddenly heard the front door opening behind my back, but I didn't look up right away, trying to look calm and well. I felt someone sitting down beside me, and finally looked up to glance at Killian. I felt myself blush because I was so ashamed about what had happened. He didn't say a word and gave me one of the two cups he was holding in his hand. I took it with a slight smile. I didn't know what to do to make him understand how sorry I was.

The quiet filled the space for a few seconds. I finally decided to talk, wanting to arrange things between us because I loved him so much and I couldn't bear the fact he was mad at me.

"I'm so sorry..."

He shrugged, and I moved to lean against the column behind me. I bent my legs and put them against my chest, placing my hot mug on my knees. He was staring at the emptiness in front of him, as if he was lost in his thoughts. He was looking a bit shocked by our sudden argument. But he had come to talk to me anyway. He wanted us to make up, and I was accepting his silence. I just wanted to apologize, I wanted him to forgive me.

"I really am, Killian." I resumed in a low voice as he was turning to finally look at me. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what has gotten into me. I don't know why I'm like that lately. I'm nervous, but it's not an excuse, I shouldn't have said that because it was so unfair. You're amazing. You're always there for me, and I don't know how you manage to bear with me because sometimes I wanna punch myself. I'm sorry about what I have said..."

"Don't say that." He cut me off gently, smiling at me to show me he wasn't mad anymore. "You're not unbearable. I'm sorry about what I've said too. I didn't think a word of it."

"You were right to get mad." I said in a whisper, not knowing how to tell him how sorry I was. "I didn't have the right to talk to you like that. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course I can, Swan" He said with a little laugh. "It wasn't that bad. You're already forgiven, I can't stay mad at you, you know that. And I understand, you know. I would be nervous too if I was throwing up three times a day and fainting without notice."

I briefly closed my eyes and smiled a little bit, happy to see that he wasn't that mad about my awful behavior. We were sometimes quarreling about silly stuffs, but it had been a long time since we had yelled at each other like that. I finally opened my eyes after a few more seconds and ended up saying :

"God, Killian, we're sounding like an old married couple."

"An old engaged couple." He corrected with a smirk, pointing at the ring he had given me two years ago and that I was wearing at my left hand. "and I think we're doing well with a little kid at home. Some couples are arguing all the time."

"Liam is a real angel, it's not complicated." I replied with a smile.

"You're right. Can you promise me to go see Whale as soon as possible, love?" He added, changing the subject after a few seconds of silence. "You can't go on like that. Not eating is really not good. I can't stand seeing you putting yourself in danger like that. I'm worried, you know. I don't want something to happen to you."

"I know." I said with a nod. "I promise. And I'm really sorry, babe."

"Stop apologizing, darling, it's okay." He said with a comforting smile, before moving to wrap his arm around me. "Come here."

I snuggled against his chest with a little smile, the hand that wasn't holding the mug on his stomach. He kissed my temple and gently stroked my back before saying with laughter in his voice :

"Well, Emma Swan, you're lucky I love you because you're driving me crazy sometimes."

"I could say the same thing about you." I laughed, before moving to kiss his collar bone.

He wrapped his second arm around me to hold me closer to him and gently kissed my forehead while I smiled. I lifted up my mug to take a sip of my hot cocoa with cinnamon, but I got cut off by my phone that started to ring. Triggered, I put the cup on the stair beside me and saw that it was Regina who was calling me. I bit the inside of my cheek. I could tell something bad was happening. She would never have called me this late if everything was all right. I felt my heart started to pound faster in my chest at the idea of something bad happening to Henry, who was sleeping at Regina's that night. I shared a worried look with Killian, who kissed me again to reassure me, and picked up the phone :

"Yeah?" I asked in a somewhat shaky voice.

"We have a problem." Regina's voice answered, and I put the phone on speaker mode so Killian could hear our conversation more easily.

"What's happening?"

"The apprentice's wand is missing." She said in a low voice.

I let out a puff of air, only realizing that I had stopped breathing because of how worried I was. Killian sighted next to me, relieved as well, and gently stroke my back. It was only that. I had been so scared my son was in danger, but he was probably sleeping in his bed right now and everything was okay. I wasn't worried about the loss of the wand. We were going to find it soon enough. We had survived much worse.

"You've looked everywhere?" I asked with a little sight.

"Who do you think I am, Swan?" She barked, sounding really mad at me about my comment. "Of course I've looked everywhere or I wouldn't have called you! It disappeared, and without it we're screwed."

"Come on, Regina, calm down." I sighted, exhausted by her screams. "Who the hell would want to steal this wand?"

"I don't know, Swan, but if you could help me instead of doubting me, that would be nice." She said in an annoyed tone. "we have three people out there trusting us, and we've promised them we would send them back home, in case you've forgotten. Without the wand, we can't do anything to help them."

"Look." I said, rubbing my eyes with the feeling I was going to fall asleep right there. "It's late, you should get some sleep. Maybe you'll remember where you've put it during the night. I promise you that if you haven't found it tomorrow, I'll come and help you search for it. Tell me what happened tomorrow morning."

"Thanks for your precious help." She jeered of, and I sighted once more, a bit annoyed by her behavior.

"Let's be honest here, I'm not useful right now." I said with fatigue. "I don't know how I could help you if this damn wand is lost. Let me rest for a night, and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, right. See you tomorrow." She snapped before hanging up without waiting for an answer.

I rolled my eyes in annoyance. She could be really nice, but she could also be a pain in the ass, and I wasn't in the mood. I put the phone back in my jeans with a sight before mumbling to Killian :

"I can't believe her right now. Why is she always yelling at me?"

"Don't worry about her, you don't have to listen to her." He comforted me with a little smile. "I wouldn't have let you go anyway, you need to rest." He added, and I giggled at his comment. "Come on, let's go inside. You're shaking. You can't get a cold, you're already sick."

I smiled at him, and he pulled away to get up, reaching for my hand to help me get on my feet. Our fingers together, we walked inside the house as I was dreaming about finally being in my bed.

Darkness, fire and cries of pain. I look around me, terrified. I don't know how I got here. The hot wind is making my hair fly and is caressing my face in an unpleasant way. I can feel the fear of the deads, and my stomach is hurting. I'm back in the underworld.

But I'm terrified for a good reason. My heart is painfully pounding in my chest. Because I look around me, but Killian isn't there. He's missing.

"Emma?"

His unusually husky voice makes me turn back. I gasp. He's there, in front of me. He's hurt, he's dying. He's crying from the pain. He's burnt everywhere, he's barely standing on his feet. His hand is pressed against his stomach, one of his eye is closed. And I can't do anything to help him.

"Killian." I whisper in a muffled voice.

I let go of a sob. I reach for him, but he's disappearing. He's leaving me.

"No, stay! Please don't go! I… I can help you… Please! Killian! Don't leave me!"

"It's too late, Emma, I'm already dead..."

"I love you so much." I sob, not knowing what to do.

"I love you too."

He huge flame appears right where he's standing. He screams in pain. I call his name, but he isn't answering. When the flame disappears, he is gone.

"Killian!" I yell, my voice ringing into the quiet.

- Killian!

I didn't even open my eyes, and my hand took off to fell beside me on the bed. My nails sank into Killian's forearm without me even thinking about what I was doing.

When I realized that it had all been a dream, I quickly moved my hand and pressed it against my stomach, hoping that I hadn't woken him up. My hair was drenched because of a cold sweat. I was shaking and tears were streaming down my face. I tried to calm down a bit. It was only a dream. A dream I was making so often since he had come back from the Underworld. It always seemed so real, and I always had to make sure he wasn't gone.

I pressed my other hand against my forehead, trying to slow my breathing down. I felt Killian moving beside me and understood I had awakened him. I bit my lower lip, feeling guilty and trying to hold back my sobs.

"Are you okay, love?" He whispered, taking my hand. "You had a nightmare again?"

I nodded slowly. I was unable to stop crying. It was too much. I couldn't lose him. I loved him way too much for that.

Killian didn't wait another second and took me into his arms. He held me tight as if he was trying to show me he wasn't going anywhere. I buried my face into the crook of his neck, still crying, trying to make sure he was there. He kissed my hair, trying to calm me down. His familiar and comforting smell made me feel a bit better. He was beside me. He was alive. He was not dying again.

"It's okay, darling, I'm here." He said in a broken voice, stroking my hair, knowing all to well what I had dreamed about.

"I thought I'd lost you." I sobbed, holding his naked back to get even closer to him.

"Shh, sweetheart, you're not losing me. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying with you. I love you."

He kept on rocking me against him, kissing me and whispering comforting words in my ear for what seemed like an eternity until I had finally fallen back asleep.