whatever happens, happens. don't try and change it.
my hands are shaking as I type this. this gets dark; real fast.
of gunfire and bullet wounds
Every day, I feel like I'm dying.
I wake up every day wishing I was dead. And that's saying something: I haven't want to die my whole life. Not even when I lost my parents––not even when I could've lost Ponyboy. I've never wanted to die; I've always told myself I have to keep on living.
But what's the point now? After all I've seen, all I've done, all I've heard and witness with my own two eyes...
It's not enough. It hasn't ever been enough.
The pain gets worse; the flashbacks come back. Reality has seemed to completely not exist, for I'm constantly fighting between the memories of that God-awful place and keeping myself together. It gets harder every day.
It gets harder to hide it from everyone and everything.
I look in the mirror and I see nothing but a broken human being––probably because I am allowed to considered one, after all that has gone on. But even then, I don't let them see it. I don't let them see the tears that threaten to spill each time I look at my wounds, even though I know they can tell.
They can sense everything now. They can read past my strength now, and I hate it.
Pony and Darry are afraid of me. Steve doesn't come around anymore; my best friend, who had my back through everything––through losing the most important person in my life besides my own brothers––isn't around to help me. He's not around to help them.
That's what we all need: someone to listen, someone to keep us grounded, but no one shows up.
And I wish I could I say I don't blame Steve. I wish I could say I don't resent him for not being here, for not helping them when I go insane or whatever. I wish I could say my heart isn't breaking each time I realize he won't answer when I go to call him.
He's not here anymore. It's not like he's dead, because he's not.
It's just he doesn't want to deal with this. With me.
And that, like my mother's death, like almost losing my brother, has made me regret ever existing past that goddamn war.