CHAPTER 19

The next morning I awoke to the usual snuggles with Jasper, then him leaving me to shower and dress while he made my breakfast. As discussed, we were not going patrolling this morning, opting instead for Jasper, Peter, Charlotte, Garrett and Alice to go hunting, and for me to spend some time with Emmett watching movies And playing one of hisany game stations. Or so they all thought.

I waited until Jasper left with the others to go hunting before I asked Emmett to join me on the front porch. He willingly obliged, saying the smell of my cigarette had a nostalgic effect for him, some deep rooted memory of his human life that was just beneath the surface, but couldn't quite grasp. But Emmett being who he was didn't dwell, instead just enjoying the smell. It was overcast, but the clouds were only a light grey in colour, signalling the relatively nice whether, by Forks standards anyway, would hold out for a while, so I grasped the opportunity and suggested we take a walk. After a minute of silence, Emmett finally spoke.

"What's up, lil' sis?" I decided to get straight to the point. Emmett wasn't one for beating around the bush.

"Could you take me patrolling? Maybe take Rose along with us, too? Jasper wants me to take a few days off and relax, but I can't afford to do that. Not after all the training and hard work it took me to get to this point." Emmett looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Why doesn't Jasper really want you patrolling?" We had stopped now, choosing to sit on a fallen tree trunk. I shrugged my shoulders, looking at the ground.

"I think he wants me to have a break from it all, you know, have a few days just relaxing. But I only just started." I lied. Emmett was more perceptive than I originally thought.

"Ok... I suppose we could patrol with Rose, too." He paused and looked me straight in the eye, holding my gaze. "But, surely there's more to it then that? Jasper was all for you doing this. Why would he suddenly want you to have a break?" Wow, Emmett really had been paying attention. I could see the the indecision plain on his face. I had to pull out the big guns.

"He's just being overprotective. I really don't want a break," I turned to him, full pout in place and a pleading expression on my face. He relented, breaking out in a huge grin. "Please, Emmett? It'll be heaps of fun." I had him. I knew it would work!

"When would you like to go?" He asked, almost as excited as I was.

"Now!" I practically squealed. No more words were exchanged on the topic. We walked the short distance back to the house, where Emmett told me to wait for him while he grabbed my stuff. Rose came out first and sat beside me on the porch steps.

"Jasper won't approve." Was all she said, looking directly into the tree line.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him." I said flatly.

"I'm not going to stop you, if that's what your worried about." She said, turning to me.

"Would you...?"

"I wouldn't have a clue why he doesn't want you patrolling." She said, cutting me off mid sentence.

"Will you tell him? Rat me out, I mean?" I asked timidly. I lowered my gaze from her's, expecting the worst. Rosalie, after all, held no bars. But she surprised me placing her hand on mine briefly.

"I won't tell him. I'm sure he does only want you to relax. Maybe you could express your feelings on the matter when he gets back?" I stared at her, momentarily speechless at her kindness. I managed to gather my thoughts and pull myself together rather quickly.

"I have. But, he was being cryptic with his reasonings as to why he wanted me to take the next few days off."

"Maybe there is a reason, then. I'll come with you this one time, but I suggest you come straight back after the patrol and speak with him again. Jasper is very reasonable." I nodded my head and quietly agreed with her. Jasper isn't the type to hide things from me. I still couldn't fathom why he didn't want me patrolling. I didn't have time to delve too far into my musings, Emmett made his presence known, quite loudly, by screaming the lyrics from Slipknots 'before I forget' and jumping around the front porch. I had to giggle. It was one of the songs played in the ending credits to one of the many zombie movies we watched, I'm sure... Unless I'm getting my wires crossed somewhere. I couldn't be sure. While I enjoyed their music, I wasn't paying much attention to the ending credits. I was too geared up to start the next movie.

"Ready to go?" Emmett boomed, looking at me.

"Sure, let's get on our way." I said standing up. It was a stretch to get on Emmett's back as he was much taller than Jasper. Rose had already ran ahead to scout out the area, so Emmett and I ran at a slower pace. After a few minutes, Rose just about materialised in front of us.

"Road heading out of Forks, 4 miles out. Roughly 40 of them." Rose reported.

"Piece of cake!" Emmett scoffed, and took off at top speed. We only ran for a couple of minutes before we stopped in the middle of the road. Emmett and Rosalie positioned themselves 10 or so feet in front of me on either side of the road. I could see the group of flesh eaters ahead. The majority of them advanced on Rose and Emmett quickly, and only few headed my way. Rose was quick, not bothering to fight, just literally tearing their heads off.

I cut through my first easily, as I did with the next four, until I stopped dead in my tracks. The zombie stood 10 foot away, staring blankly at me. For one immeasurable moment, time stood still. I barely registered the loud clap of lightning, followed by the resounding thunder. The clouds opened up and large droplets of rain poured down on us relentlessly. Ironic, really. I took a small step forward, cautious for obvious reasons, but I had to know.

"Renee?" I called out. The zombie cocked it's head to the side, that being her only response. Part of her face was missing, her clothes were dirty and ripped. Her hair was filthy. She stood motionless, burning a hole straight through me with her vacant eyes. I took another step forward, a lump forming in my throat.

"M-mum?" I said, my voice struggling to make its way out of my throat. It was Renee. I tightened my grip on my sword. I had to kill her. There was no other option. I tried to raise my sword but it felt too heavy. Renee let out a feral, throaty growl and charged for me. I'm glad the adrenalin kicked in because I possibly would have died by her hands otherwise. I met her half way, sword held high. It was all in slow motion. I went straight for the kill shot, and detached her head from her body. Her body thudded to the ground and her head rolled a few times. The sounds echoed in my ears, almost deafening. I fell to my knees, threw my head back and screamed my hurt, anger, loss, self loathing and betrayal in the most primal of ways. I screamed until my throat was raw, then the flood of tears came. I couldn't pretend to be fine anymore, I couldn't promise myself I'd mourn for Renee at a later date anymore. The pain over whelmed me, ripped and tore at my insides. I tucked my head between my knees, feeling this was the only way to keep myself from falling apart. I heard voices around me. Although they were hushed and too fast for my ears to catch, I knew they were talking about me. Emmett scooped me up in his arms, whispering words of support and sympathy as I briefly noted we were running. I didn't know we were home until I felt myself being lowered on to the couch. More hushed voices sounded around me. I was wrapped in a blanket, but I barely noticed, too caught up in my own grief. I just killed Renee. I tried to tell myself that it had to be done, but I was torn.

I cursed Edward a million times for not killing her. I blamed myself for wanting to patrol. Then, I blamed Jasper. He knew. That's why he didn't want me to patrol. I understood perfectly now. But I couldn't keep laying the blame on neither Jasper or Edward. They did what they thought was right. I should have listened to Jasper.

I pulled myself up to a sitting position. Tears still ran down my face, I was shaking and whimpering. Everything was blurry. I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my face into my thighs. I re played the events over and over in my head until I heard the front door slam. I snapped my head up, startled, to see Jasper standing there, his hunting group behind him. If I didn't know him so well, I would have been scared.

"You took her patrolling!" He growled, pointing at Emmett and Rosalie. I stood up. I was not going to let him lay the blame on them. They did as I asked and they had no idea why he didn't want me patrolling. How were they to know? He didn't tell anyone! I folded my arms across my chest, tears still running down my face, but I was composed enough to hold myself together.

"Don't blame them, Jasper. They weren't to know." He snapped his head to look at me, relaxing a little.

"I didn't want you to have to go through that. I was trying to protect you." He said softly, taking a step towards me.

"You should have told me." I whispered. The pain threatened to take over again, and I swayed, but managed, barely, to hold myself together.

"I'm sorry. I should have known better." Jasper said, dropping his head.

"Yes, you should have. If I wanted to be treated like a child I would have stayed with Edward." Jasper cringed, the hurt flashed in his eyes. I softened my voice, and took a few steps towards him. "I'm sorry. I just don't know why you would keep me in the dark like that." He raised his head, closing the distance between us.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to stop this from happening." He grabbed my hands in his, rubbing his thumbs along my knuckles. I sighed and managed a weak smile.

"I forgive you. Just don't hide anything from me again."

"Never." He agreed, scooping me up in his arms and heading for our room. He bathed me, washed my hair and dressed me like you would an infant. It took all my energy not to break down. Jasper laid me down under the covers of the bed and jumped in beside me. I curled up in the fetal position. I could try to at least hold myself together that way.

"Let go." Jasper whispered into my ear. He curled his arms around me and held me tight. That was my cue. The flood gatea opened and the sobs started. Jasper stroked my face and held me until I fell asleep from exhaustion. I welcomed it. The black nothingness of sleep was a welcome outlet. I hoped that when I awoke, I could have a better handle on myself. Renee was gone. Plain and simple. I was just glad that I didn't have to take Phil out as well. Although it was only a small positive among the large mass of negative, it was the only thing within my grasp that I could hold onto.