This chapter is slightly shorter than the last few. Not much really happens, but I felt Bella needed to express her feelings in this chapter. This is kind of close to home for me, a little bit personal. Tell me what you think.

CHAPTER 20

I called Charlie the next day to tell him what happened With Renee. He was devastated, of course. But it wasn't for loosing his ex wife. It was because I had to do... What I did. He offered to come over to spend some time with me, some how try to make me feel better. I declined. I didn't feel like facing or talking to anyone I didn't have to, including Jasper. In fact, we hardly spoke for the next few days. Even though we didn't need to speak anyway. The silence was what I needed to come to terms with everything I had seen and done.

I felt like I was in a never ending cycle for the first two days after the... Incident. Wake up, feel like my world is going to fall apart, then the guilt set in. Then I got stuck in a pit of despair and self loathing, then I'd cry myself to sleep in Jasper's arms, wishing I could turn back time. It all came back to Edward. If only he had have changed me when I had asked, if only he had of killed Renee before I had to. But in the end, it was really my fault. If only I hadn't have been so ignorant. If only I had left to get Renee when I first found out. Or even told her to run here. She would be alive now.

After the third day, Jasper grabbed me by the shoulders, demanding my full attention.

"Stop, Bella. Please! It's no one's fault, there was nothing you could do. Don't take the blame for something that was neither avoidable or prevented. I'm sorry you had to kill her and I'm sorry I kept you in the dark. I'm even sorry Edward didn't do it when he had the chance. But, it's too late. It's done. You did what you had to do. It hurts me to see you like this. Mourn for as long as you need, but don't hate yourself for something that couldn't be stopped. I love you, Bella. Charlie loves you, everyone in this house loves you. No one thinks any less of you for what you had to do. And it had to be done. You are strong. You are beautiful, and you have the biggest, kindest and most understanding heart and mind I've ever seen. I bet if Renee had have known what she was, she would have wanted you to do it." He pulled me into his arms while I sobbed, running his hand through my hair.

"Will it ever stop? This feeling?" I asked through the body heaving sobs.

"Yes, in time. Don't rush it, darlin'. I'll be here, always." He said, kissing the top of my head. I was determined to stop my self loathing after that day. I'll cry my tears till there are none left.

I was so angry, but I kept it bottled up. I knew I needed to release it or another one of Esme's vases may fall victim to my misplaced anger again. I might as well go patrolling. That way I was at least making myself useful. Sitting around moping wasn't avenging Renee either. I told Jasper to get ready, for tomorrow was the day I'd get back on the horse. I had to keep moving.

The next day went back to the normal routine. Patrolling was nothing out of the ordinary, based on my few experiences I had. I took great pleasure in throwing my lit cigarette in the pile of dismembered bodies. I watched until there was nothing left. A pile of smokey ashes. I knew it was twisted, but I didn't care. I was starting to harden my outer shell. While I knew it could be a while before i would be back to my bubbly, happy, funny self, I would never be sensitive or be sympathetic again. How could I?

I started to understand Jasper a bit better now. How he could be so detached, how he could shrug things off so easily. His time with Maria made him like that. All the killing and destruction, the maiming and fighting. He spent 50 years as The God of War. I only patrolled half a dozen times and killed my own my mother, yet I felt just as old and worn as he was. Jasper explained that having to do what I did would harden and age anyone, especially under the circumstances. It was true. I couldn't care less if Edward found his mate, hell, I didn't care if he ever came back anymore. Alice was saddened by my lack of interest in her visions of Edward and his mate, I was the only one who had shared in the secret and was on the same page as her. I did put on a fake smile and show interest, though. I wasn't that callous. I felt a bit like Rose. I understood her a bit better now, too.

The only positive feeling I felt was my all consuming, over whelming love for Jasper. I spent as much time as my body would allow making love with Jasper. That's the only time the constant pain and anguish faded into the background. I knew I had to deal with my emotions, but I did that when I patrolled, and when I showered on my own in the mornings.

I couldn't face Charlie yet, I knew I would break all the mangled pieces of myself that I managed to put back together. As much as he begged and pleaded to see me, I shrugged him off, telling him I was fine. I knew he saw straight through my facade, but he didn't push. He said that he knew Jasper would take care of me, and alert him if need be, so he reluctantly let it go. He did send Jake once to make sure I was ok, but I brushed him off, too. He also could see straight through me, but Jasper intervened, politely telling Jake I would let both him and Charlie know if I needed them. As Charlie was, Jake was reluctant, but left without a fight, having other things he needed to attend to. I loved Jake, but I didn't have the energy needed to speak to him.

I hoped that, in time, I could go back to who I was. I knew everyone was worried about me, but I needed to be left alone to figure this all out; to figure myself out. Jasper kept saying it would take time. That, of course, I understood, but two weeks after, I still found myself in the same emotional state and pattern. I had already accepted Renee was dead before I took her out, so why was I still feeling this way? Was I right in assuming that I was just as old and worn as Jasper now? That didn't need answering, I knew without a doubt I was. What I needed was time to concentrate on reordering my newly found detachment and finding a balance. I decided that I would go and see Charlie and Jake, I would show more interest in Alice's visions. I'd keep patrolling, that wouldn't change. I still needed an outlet of sorts. I would engage in Peter and Garrett's ramblings and taunting. They always made me laugh. I would enjoy more movies and playing games with Emmett. And Esme... I really needed her now. She already thought of me as a daughter. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I needed the warmth and kindness only a mother could give.

I would start cooking my own meals again, that was always calming normal. I hadn't done it for a while...

I'll never be the same again, but I could at least try not to turn into an emotionless, hollow entity. Lord knows that's how I felt. I was determined not to be like that. One look at Jasper told me all I needed to know... I could get through this, I could reach the light, and I will get out of this black hole...