A/N Red and Lizzie try to work out their trust issues... I've been having some interesting discussions with readers about Red's behavior in the last chapter - we see a bit more of his vulnerabilities in this chapter, but bear in mind this is not a 'nice' fic - whilst Red is capable of extraordinary love, he is also damaged and obsessive, and I will be exploring that too.

This chapter is so NSFW I'm not kidding, total angst and smut. As ever, I don't profit from their emotional pain.

When she woke she was lying on her bed, the afternoon sun pouring in through the windows. As her eyes adjusted she stiffened when she realised that he was sitting on a chair in the corner of the room.

"Hello Lizzie."

She scrambled into a sitting position, trying to make out his features through the haze of sleep and sunlight. He looked tired and dishevelled by his standards, brow furrowed and sleeves rolled up. She glanced quickly towards the door.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you" he said quietly. "Not unless you want a repeat of our earlier unpleasant business, which I certainly don't." He sounded exhausted.

She licked her lips and looked back at him.

"You didn't have to drug me."

His jaw tightened. "You're right. You were in such a sorry state I could easily have just carried you back up here kicking and screaming, but aside from that being a singularly distasteful scenario, I didn't want to risk exacerbating your injuries."

She felt anger flare inside her. "So this is your solution - chemically restrain me? Why do you even have that stuff here? God you're a sinister guy, has anyone ever told you that?"

"I've never claimed to be one of the good guys" he said, his voice tight. "I do what needs to be done, however unpleasant."

She smiled humourlessly and nodded. "So this is it, huh? This pretence of something between us is over."

He frowned and stood up, walking towards her. Instinctively she flinched and drew her knees up closer to her chest.

He stopped his approach and looked genuinely hurt at her reaction. He shook his head. "What's gotten into you?"

She looked at his face, handsome features marred by worry lines, his expression etched with concern, and for a moment she felt a pang of guilt. But that didn't change the reality of the situation. She had been an idiot to blindly let him take her away from DC, and he was now keeping her drugged and imprisoned. She couldn't lose sight of that.

"I'm afraid."

"Of me." It didn't sound like a question. She watched as his frown deepened.

"You can't be surprised - you've kept me locked in here like a prisoner for a week! And maybe that's what I've been the whole time. I just came with you blindly, you've never said how long we're going to be here, or what will happen to me."

"You haven't asked me." His tone had turned cold.

"Maybe I was afraid to" She whispered. "I thought I was safe here with you but I'm not, am I?" He fixed her with a long stare but didn't answer her.

She sighed and covered her face with her hands. "God how could I have been so stupid. The Blacklist was about clearing the way for you. When you take down the Cabal that will leave a vacuum in the global power stakes and who better to step in than Raymond Reddington? You already have connections all over the world." She looked back at him. "Is that why you didn't want me to go back? I would have ruined your plan?

As she spoke she could see his face pale; he wore an expression she had never seen on him before. His eyes glittered dangerously.

When he didn't answer she felt tears prick her eyes, terror building inside her. "You owe me an honest answer. Have you been using me this whole time to take down the Cabal so that you can replace them?" Her voice cracked. "Is that why you stopped this thing between us? Because you can't bring yourself to sleep with someone you know you're eventually going to kill?"

Even as the words left her lips she regretted saying them. His mouth dropped open slightly and he looked like she'd slapped him in the face.

He hadn't taken his eyes off her as she spoke, but now he blinked and dropped his head for a moment. When he finally responded his tone was so low it was barely audible.

"If I was going to do that, why would I have taken such pains to keep you alive?"

"I don't know! I don't understand any of it!" She sighed, closing her eyes. "I love you but I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you." She looked up at him through a shimmer of unshed tears.

"Never trust a criminal, Lizzie" he said hollowly. "And certainly never, ever fall in love with one."

He sounded so hurt and so bitter, she couldn't bear it. He swallowed before turning and walking towards the door.

She felt panic begin to rise within her. He'd said nothing to suggest that her fears were unjustified, but the betrayal and devastation in his eyes… she'd never seen anyone look so destroyed. She sprang off the bed and ran after him, grabbing his arm as he reached for the handle and placing herself between him and the door. "Is that the best you've got? Tell me the truth!"

She trembled as she looked at him – his face was a mask of hurt and fury. It was terrifying, and when he spoke it was no less frightening. He didn't even raise his voice, but that was somehow worse – the indecipherable emotion that simmered behind his low tones felt more threatening than if he had lost his temper.

"You've said quite enough Elizabeth. Now step aside."

She was shaking now, but stayed right where she was. "No. Not until you answer me. A real answer. Because right now you are frightening the hell out of me!"

She saw a burst of anger flash across his face. "Did it ever occur to you that I might be frightened? For you? That you put the fear of God into me last week? You almost died! And that stunt you pulled this morning, oh Lizzie…it was ill-conceived and reckless, not to mention deceitful. To be frank, if sedating you and locking you up is the only way to protect you from yourself then that is exactly what I will do, and you can hate me for it, but know this – you can't possibly fathom how far I am willing to go to keep you safe."

Her eyes widened as she listened to him, her heart thumping as she realised there were now mere inches between their faces as he spoke, his voice was so deep and close that it seemed to resonate throughout her entire body. "If I've been unwilling to share developments with you this week it's because I haven't wanted to burden you during your recovery." He shook his head. "To think that you would hurt yourself..."

"I didn't!" she gasped "that's what I've been trying to tell you – I didn't go in the water to hurt myself. It was just all so much…I just needed to escape what I was feeling for a second. I didn't think it would be so dangerous." She shook her head. "I know it was stupid-"

She didn't continue because at that moment he gathered her into his arms in a full, gentle embrace, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head again and again. He didn't say anything but she could feel the relief emanating from him, and rested her head on his shoulder, enjoying his proximity and the feel of his vest against her cheek.

His warmth spread through her as he held her, a delicious feeling of heat and closeness that she realised she had been utterly bereft without. After a moment she lifted her head to look at him. His eyes were as dark as she had ever seen them, a penetrating forest green gaze that sent waves of desire pooling in her abdomen despite the wretchedness of the situation. She felt his breathing quicken and parted her lips slightly. He'd been so angry before that she was afraid to kiss him, but she needed it, she needed him to show her he still cared for her, to prove he wasn't the monster she feared he was.

She leaned into him as much as she dared, until she heard her name roll off his tongue in those deep, honey tones "Lizzie", his lips brushing against her mouth as he spoke. She closed her eyes, and felt one of his hands slide into her hair, holding the back of her head, the other round her waist, pulling her against him as he slowly pressed his lips to hers.

His kiss was like his voice – it burned, resonating deep inside, utterly intoxicating her until there was nothing left in the world but his soft mouth brushing against hers, and then his tongue gliding across her bottom lip, coaxing her, begging for entry. Her legs began to shake a little and he stepped forwards a fraction, pinning her gently against the door. She gasped and he slid his tongue into her mouth, tasting her, his hands grasping her hair as if he couldn't bear to let her go.

The kiss was so achingly sweet, so passionate, but above all deeply loving, as though he had waited for her not just for the last few weeks, but for years. Of everything that had happened between them, she thought dimly, if only he had kissed her it would have told her everything she needed to know. She was clutching at him now, pulling him closer. She needed him not to stop, to hold her tighter, to touch her. As she drew him against her she felt him hard and thick through his suit, pressed into her hip. She moaned at the contact, and when he pulled back she didn't register it, instead bringing her hands up to undo the buttons of his shirt.

"Lizzie-"

When she didn't stop he took her hands gently, pulling back. "Lizzie, stop sweetheart." He sounded strained.

"It's alright" she said breathlessly "you won't hurt me. I may have exaggerated how much pain I was in this morning…"

She saw creases appear around his eyes as he smiled and cocked his head to the side. He paused and ran his thumb lightly over her mouth, her lips red and swollen from their kiss. "Yes…you're quite the consummate little actress aren't you?"

She smiled at him sheepishly and then reached again for his shirt. He caught her wrist firmly, his smile gone. "I'm serious Lizzie."

She stepped back then and looked at the floor, suddenly embarrassed by her own lack of control, that her desire was so obvious to him; Raymond Reddington before her in his smart vest and dress shirt and then her, in jeans, face flushed, hair mussed up and an aching slickness between her legs she felt sure he knew was there.

He reached out and tilted her chin up gently until she met his eye, giving her a pained smile. "Lizzie please understand. I cannot allow my feelings for you to jeopardise you any more than they already have." He paused, scanning her face intently, his lip trembling slightly. "I have done terrible things to prevent our connection from becoming known. And, to my immense shame, I have hurt you. I will not selfishly pursue an intimate relationship with you now to satisfy my own desires."

Her heart thundered in her chest as he spoke, her head clouded by a dizzying mix of her arousal, hearing him tell her that he wanted her, and the things he had done for her.

"I've killed for you too, Red" she whispered finally.

He shook his head, his voice broken. "I never wanted that for you. I never anticipated that you would develop feelings for me. Had I known, I would have-"

"You would have what?" she cut him off. "Hired me another husband? Taken my memories of you away? Or just behaved like an evil bastard until you alienated me completely? You've been making decisions for me my entire life. Let me make this choice myself." She paused as he stared at her in shock, and gathered her strength. "Let me have this choice, Red."

After that she led him to the bed, swallowing his warnings with kisses, and then silencing him completely by removing her clothing, baring herself to him completely before kneeling between his legs and studiously undoing his vest and shirt while her breasts brushed tantalizingly against his face. He allowed her to undress him, and then rolled her carefully her onto her back with a growl, worshipping her body with kisses and feather-light touches. She felt so warm and cared for and desired that reality almost slipped away completely in a haze of lust, but then, when she felt him soothe the needle puncture mark on her neck with his tongue, and when he parted her legs with his knee she felt a chill of doubt run through her.

He looked down at her, concerned. "Sweetheart what's wrong? We can stop anytime-"

"No, I don't want to stop. It's just…"

"What is it Lizzie? Tell me what you need."

She looked up at him, broad shoulders hovering above her, supporting himself on his muscular arms that had carried her unconscious form to this bed only hours ago. She slipped out from under him and pushed him back on the bed, straddling him.

He nodded. "I understand. You need control. It's yours, Lizzie."

He grasped her hips while she positioned herself and slid onto him, adjusting to his considerable size as he slowly filled her. He groaned as she eased down, allowing her to set the pace, holding her waist to steady her and taking her pert nipples in his mouth as she arched her body. She rocked gently on top of him, sliding languidly up and down his cock in a way that made him ache helplessly and desperately for release, raw emotion and desire long suppressed now swelling like a fist inside him.

When she began to speed up he could tell she was close, but her teeth had captured her bottom lip as if she was afraid to let go. He reached up and cupped her cheek, his voice hoarse and brow creased with the effort of containing himself for her. "You wanted control Lizzie. Take it. Own it."

He watched as she arched up over him, rolling her hips on his shaft and giving him a breath-taking view of her body until she finally climaxed astride him, her head falling back. After that he utterly lost the equilibrium he had fought to maintain. Slipping his arm around her waist, he spun her deftly down onto the bed, groaning her name as he thrust into her hard in great bursts of ecstasy before collapsing beside her and pulling her tightly into his arms.

TBC