Chapter 2- Blaze

Its morning when I groggily come to. Its been two days since Haymitch came over and made me take a bath, and I've been lying on my bed ever since. I suppose its an improvement from the rocking chair from the past few weeks.

I hadn't moved at all yesterday, even when Sae came up and brought food to me. I didn't touch my breakfast because of the nightmares that were still fresh in my mind. But she insisted that she stay with me for supper as she brought food up to my room, made herself comfortable on a chair nearby, and chattered on about her day, the local gossip, and what she decided to put in that day's stew while I picked at the stew she brought me until it grew cold.

I could tell that the fact that I was even eating released some of Sae's anxiety over my health. She even prepared hot tea for me later on, which I accepted primarily to keep my hands warm.

I barely listened to her speaking to me. Just a nod here and there to remain polite and to show her I was at least a little grateful that she was trying so hard to help me out.

"Girl, are you listening to me?"

I shake myself out of my reverie, guiltily hoping she wouldn't notice. "What?"

She shakes her head. "The next train from the Capitol is coming tomorrow with goods for Christmas and rebuilding materials. They want to get some more construction done before the snow starts to fall."

"Oh." I don't exactly know what I feel about this piece of information or really how to respond either. "That's good."

Sae smiles softly, the corner of her eyes crinkling. "Isn't it? Maybe they'll even bring in those special trees from District 7. Those triangular ones."

But the conversation no longer really interests me. Sae tries for a few moments more to coax me to talk some more, but when its apparent that my thoughts are lost once again, she bids me goodbye and takes the dishes downstairs to wash.

I don't know how long I stay in bed, but I know the evening passes by quickly as I sink down into the soft covers and try to block out the rest of the world. Haymitch drops by in the middle of the night with a glass of water, his eyes bloodshot and his clothes ruffled. "Did you just get up?" I manage to cough out, my voice hoarse from disuse.

"Its midnight, sweetheart. You know we both don't sleep."

"I'm not nocturnal like you."

"Better nocturnal than up 24/7." That shuts me up quickly. He sits on the mattress next to me as I down the water slowly. There is a look in his eyes that makes me uneasy.

"Stop staring at me, Haymitch." The malice has completely disappeared from my voice.

He grunts, but ignores my comment. But he purses his lips thoughtfully, which brings about another anxious comment. "What?"

He takes a deep breath before looking me in the eye with those intense Seam gray eyes. "You need to get out of the house, sweetheart." He knows I'm about to interrupt and turn down his offer because he grasps my shoulder to keep my attention on his words. "I have some stuff arriving with the train tomorrow. Whether or not you like it, I'm not able to take it home all by myself."

"Maybe if you weren't so intoxicated, you might be able to," I sneer, a blaze of irritation rekindling inside of me. Almost making me feel alive for a moment. I savor it, the fire giving me strength. But as soon as it springs up, the flame dies down and I'm back to my miserable old self.

"Charming as always."

I glare at him, find myself tiring rapidly. "Whatever, Haymitch," I sigh, "Its going to be too much, seeing the rebuilding. Knowing I'm walking where people have-"

He's nodding but he doesn't seem to be hearing me. "Yes, yes. I know, you've told me countless times. But its just a trip to the train, Katniss. And my shipment can't be carried home by myself. Afterwards, I'll even leave you alone," he adds with his usual sneer.

I snort disbelievingly. He sighs, then growls out reluctantly, "It'll be a great help if you did."

His words home in and I hesitate. Damn him. He played the selfish card. The only reason I'm not able to resist against. Selfish. That's what I've been the past two years throughout the Games and the war. Only caring about myself and my survival while people around me died for a rebellion I had sparked up with those damn berries. My brows begin to furrow instinctively, a sign of distress I've never been able to keep hidden from Haymitch. He knew my greatest strengths, but he also knew my biggest weaknesses. He's smart. For a drunk, I think irritably.

"Sweetheart, this'll be a nice selfless thing to do for me," he urges roughly, frustrated. "I can't persuade you that you're one of the most selfless people I've ever come across. But I can tell you that you have opportunities to turn that around if you believe otherwise."

He's right, but I don't want to admit it. He knows I'm guilt-ridden of District 12's destruction, but doesn't voice it. Surprisingly, Haymitch has been the one and only person who seems to understand me in my devastation.

The blaze begins to burn again. There's a small spark of hope. Perhaps I can move on and heal myself slowly through Haymitch, as dangerous and irrational as that may seem. I may have lost Peeta, Prim, Rue, Finnick, and countless others, but maybe I do have a fighting chance. It grows stronger with these thoughts. I no longer wish to sit and stare at the flames of my fireplace while I struggle to find my will to live.

I find myself nodding before the words reach my mouth and a smirk grazes across Haymitch's mouth. "Alright, but only because you need your alcohol."

His laugh sounds all the way until he's reached his own house across the street.