Disclaimer: The Hetalia characters and their personifications belong to Hidekaz Himaruya. 日丸屋 秀和 - Not me!

What Not to do if You are a Knight by Gilbert Beilschmidt:

19.) A battering ram is not a proper tool for a 'professional knight'.

Breaking Bad

So the Spaniard approached the door and, wielding his ax high above him so that it gleamed in the rain, swung it down mercilessly into the wood, sending splinters everywhere.

CRUNCH!

They would hack down the door if they had to.

But as Gilbert watched his friend rear back for a second swing, he noticed Francis looking curiously at the ground. Gilbert then noticed it too. Strewn all about the front face of the fortress were sticks. Lots and LOTS of sticks. And hay. Intentionally laid there.

Up above, the two girls had watched the three men approaching the castle.

"They're here," Lovina whispered, terrified.

Kitty looked worriedly at the sky. Her only response, uttered in a hopeless tone, was simply, "It's raining."

They observed the trio of men step onto the path. Two of them suddenly ducked down, and a giant log side-swiped the third.

"WHOAA! HOOOLY SHIT! Did you do that?" Lovina exclaimed.

"Yes."

"How did you do that?!"

"Suspension lines. I asked for your help pulling the ropes earlier, remember?"

"And we made that? Where was this fun side back home, huh?" Lovina playfully elbowed her servant's arm, but Kitty did not smile. Her eyes were fixated on the triad of men down below.

She could not stop the sinking feeling in her heart. They were still coming.

The leader had skillfully stepped over TWO of the other traps she had been counting on, and the others followed his steps exactly.

The next sound to bombard her ears was ferocious pounding on the great locked doors below.

Dipping her head over the side of the wall, she tried not to let her voice shake as she bellowed, "Turn back now, soldiers! This is your final warning!"

However, they did not turn back. Instead, one of them raised a large ax.

Despite the sound of chopping wood below her, Kitty swiftly proceeded with her next tactic. She had always worked better under pressure anyway. She turned back and ordered Lovina to hand her the burning torch.

Popping off the lid of the perched sawdust barrel, she lit the top of its contents on fire and pushed the alighted object over the wall, descending it upon the intruders.

Kitty prayed that this would at least work momentarily in the rain, but she did not have time to watch.

She lifted her skirt, grabbed Lovina by the arm, and raced back to the stairwell and back to the interior of the castle.

"What are we-"

"I want you to hide," Kitty told her quickly, grasping Lovina's shoulders. "Go to one of the rooms on the second floor, find the darkest crawl space you can and shove yourself in it. Do not breathe, do not make a sound and above all, no matter what you hear, do not. Come out. Of that. Hiding spot."

She released Lovina's shoulders and looked her in the eyes. "I won't let them find you, Princess."

The poor little princess searched her servant's eyes, but could not read what she was thinking.

Down below, Gilbert had scanned the ground and noted the half-circle of carefully splayed sticks. But his keen eye was a moment too late.

For, the next instant, he looked up in time to see a flaming barrel descending upon them. Gilbert grabbed Antonio by the waist. Francis grabbed Gilbert by the collar. The young men pulled and fell back in a heap, shielding their faces as the barrel crashed to the ground, inches in front of them, and burst like a fireball. Millions of tiny, dust-like wood shavings ignited in the air, spreading to the ring of sticks and forming a menacing wall of fire before the castle's gates.

Chunks of flaming wood flew at and on them, so that all three were forced to shield themselves aggressively from the unforgiving flames.

But as brilliant a plan as it was, the blaze only lasted a few moments before the on-pouring rain quickly quelled it to a smolder. With the great purge of rainwater, the assassins were once again allowed access to the heavy door before them.

This time, however, instead of using Antonio's ax, they used the large log from the suspension trap as a battering ram, running at the door three times before: "THREE... TWO... ONE!"

CRASH!

The door split open under the force of the warriors' enormous weapon.

Historical Notes

* A dust explosion is the rapid combustion of fine particles which can occur where any powdered combustible material is present in high enough concentrations. In simple terms, fire needs oxygen to burn, so the more surface area the fuel source has, the faster the fire will ignite. When you have a dense block of wood, the fire cannot reach the particles at the center of the block right away, but if that piece of wood is shredded into a million dust-like particles, it often ignites so rapidly that it creates a fireball-like explosion. This was more of a science note than a history note I guess. There are more informative videos about this topic via Mythbusters and Youtube... but please DO NOT try to recreate this scenario at home unless your door is being chopped down with an ax.