Disclaimer: The Hetalia characters and their personifications belong to Hidekaz Himaruya. 日丸屋 秀和

What Not to do if You are a Knight by Gilbert Beilschmidt:

34.) Do not push or shove young women

35.) Unless you like getting hit with frying pans

Like a Big, Happy Family

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE CAN'T CROSS?!" Gilbert roared.

Francis had just returned and was in no more of a good mood than the rest of them. "I MEAN, that it is impossible! We have to wait for the river to recede! There's no way we can get four people plus supplies across there with just two horses. If the army is still at the mountain pass, then perhaps they are flooded there too... the bottom of the mountains always fills with flood run-off-"

"They may be just as stuck in the mud as we are!" Antonio cleverly contributed.

The other men rolled their eyes.

They all sat at the long wooden table on the castle's main floor, eating what was left of the preserves.

"Great. What are we supposed to do now? Just sit here like ducks?" Gilbert ranted.

"Think about things rationally?" Elizaveta sarcastically suggested.

Gilbert turned to her. "You're enjoying this, aren't you, you little smart-ass."

"OH YES!" she cried. "I just love being trapped here with you brutes for an even longer period! This is the highlight of my week!"

They descended into loud bickering. Francis joined in once again, and, to add insult to injury, it was raining outside... as if the gods of weather had decided to add a bit of cruel irony to their predicament.

Antonio slowly backed away from the fight, back into the corner near Lovina.

"At least now my men can prepare more..." he heard the girl mumble to herself.

"I didn't know you commanded your own army!" he commented excitedly.

The shorter girl looked at him as if he had just asked if her hair was naturally purple.

"What? What the f- No! I don't command my own army!" she cried incredulously.

"Oh. Why not?" he asked simply.

"Well I'm not... I mean, I'm not technically in charge, but that's beside the point; women don't lead armies."

"Sure they can," he said brightly.

"Great Gregory the Ninth!" she was almost laughing at this point. "How dumb are you?!" It might have been true that, deep down, she was secretly amused at how Antonio seemed to be unaware of the fact that everything that came out of his mouth sounded ridiculous. His view of the world was completely upside down. He spoke of things that she had been taught were utterly contemptible, with complete nonchalance. Lovina concluded that he was either just very stupid, or he lived in a world where the boundaries of what one could speak of and what was forbidden simply did not exist. And (though she would never admit it) this latter possibility intrigued Lovina.

There was a long pause between them. They watched the other three people across the room and seemed to become lost in their own thoughts. "Your plan won't even work," Lovina spoke abruptly. "The ransom? They don't want me back. The Council will take over."

Antonio glanced sideways down at her. He noticed the bitter edge to her voice and prodded further. "...Something tells me that this Council you speak of... is more likely to act in their own favor rather than that of the kingdom, ¿sí?" She didn't disagree, so the perceptive young man took her silence as a confirmation and continued. "You know, a kingdom needs rulers who act for the benefit of all... not just the few."

"What do you know about being a ruler?"

"I know that your outrage about being apart from your people and the fact that your only thoughts seem to revolve around the condition of your army attest to you being a good one."

To his delight, she cracked a small smile at that. "Damn right."

Lovina then faced the bickering crowd across the room and marched over.

"ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP, STRONZOS!"

They all stopped arguing and turned to her.

"Who do you think YOU are?" demanded Gilbert.

She marched up to him. "I think I am the queen of this land. And I think that you boys are all talk. I don't think you'll hurt me because you know I'll be damaged property! So I say, you're gonna hunt us up some more food," she said pointing at Francis, "and you're going to shut your ass up! And we're all gonna be stuck in here like a big, slap-happy family. Got it?"

For a moment, the men were silent... because, admittedly, she had them there. They weren't going to hurt Lovina because she was their insurance deposit.

They also weren't going to hurt Elizaveta because she was their friend.

...But... Lovina didn't know that second part.

"Well I think," Gilbert began, sizing the small girl up, "that if you want to see HER alive tomorrow morning..." he grabbed Elizaveta by the waist, "then you will stay in your place as the hostage. And that goes for you too!" He looked at the scowling Eliza. "Both of you will keep your mouths shut and do as you are told, as hard as that may be for you two. And YOUUUUUUUUU-" this time he primarily eyed Antonio, "Quit encouraging them!" Antonio only shrugged half-apologetically.

Gilbert released Elizaveta gruffly so that she stumbled into Lovina.

The girls looked at each other worriedly for a moment. Then, after a silent conversation between their eyes, Lovina concluded, "Fine. Not like we have a choice anyway... but I can't promise I won't speak my mind. You'll have to cut out my tongue before that happens."

And so the argument concluded with this temporary agreement to a ceasefire.

Historical Notes

* Pope Gregory IX was Pope from 19 March 1227 to his death in 1241.