Disclaimer: The Hetalia characters and their personifications belong to Hidekaz Himaruya. 日丸屋 秀和

What Not to do if You are a Knight by Gilbert Beilschmidt:

60.) Do not do any of the things listed previously if you are a knight.

Unless it's for Elizaveta. Because that girl is damn well worth it.

The End

They had been traveling for a day and a half, the queen and her ex-servant.

Hardly a word had passed over Elizaveta's lips, save for what was mumbled during her troubled sleep.

They had just entered the mountain pass. The path was rocky and the skies misty.

The queen decided this might be a good time to try to clear the air... if that was even possible at this point. Elizaveta was staring lifelessly out the right side of the carriage as it bumbled along.

Lovina put her hand gently on her ex-attendant's knee. "Lizzie, this is for your own good."

Elizaveta jerked away. Tears came again to her eyes. "You took me away... after all I'd done for you!"

Lovina stayed calm. "I know this all seems harsh... but it's for the best. I'm giving you an opportunity to start over. It's a new life."

Elizaveta, in a vain attempt to hide her despair, put her hands to her face. Her shoulders shook with suppressed sobs.

Lovina untied the ropes around her wrists, muttering that she judged Elizaveta wouldn't need them any longer, seeing as they had nearly arrived.

Elizaveta then mumbled something into her hands.

"What?" Lovina asked, placing a hand on the other girl's back.

"I said," she sniffed, "I don't want a new life! I don't want to start over again. I'm proud of who I am, of where I came from, and of everything I've done." Finally, she whispered, "And I'll never forget that again."

Lovina smiled the same irritatingly, condescendingly, calm smile. "Starting a new life doesn't necessarily mean forgetting."

Gilbert had well worn out his muscles, but not his lungs.

"Scr-screw you, Toni... you dick."

"I'm only here as a last-ditch effort to control you. And you know, you're only proving they were right to send me."

Gilbert grumbled something in response.

"Look, amigo, maybe now you should get some sleep-"

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU- you (gasp) traitor! Phew! Ugh. Is- is the air getting thinner or something?"

"Sí, it should be. It's our location. Better get used to it amigo, you'll be here a while."

Gilbert scowled at him. "So tell me about this place you're shipping me off to. How long will it take me to bust outta there?"

The Spanish man smirked. "You won't escape."

"You underestimate my awesomeness."

"You won't want to."

The carriage which Lovina and Elizaveta were traveling in rolled to a halt.

However, no one made any attempt to exit the cart just yet.

Eliza peered out the side and saw they were surrounded by vast green forests on all sides. And mountains. Cascading mountains and rolling hills. It was all very green, calm, and secluded. In fact, if she wasn't in such a lamentable situation, she might have liked it up there. In the center of the open plot of grass which they had stopped was a solitary cottage with a thatch grass roof and a small, adjacent windmill.

"You gave me no choice in front of the Council, Lizzie," Lovina broke the silence, looking off to her side. "I had to prove to them that I was capable enough... that I had what it takes to rule as a true monarch and who could set aside her emotions - her 'womanish tendencies' and weaknesses or whatever shit - to enforce punishment. They weren't going to let a little wretch like you, or a murderer like him, crawl around the castle all day. Let's face it, you didn't belong there."

Lovina suddenly got to her feet. She seemed panicked almost, and spoke rapidly. "You gave me no choice but to send you away! Don't you see? I had to do this Elizaveta, so don't blame me!"

The more she spoke, the faster and less intelligible her words became. "I couldn't let you stay in that kingdom! They would have questioned my authority! They'd throw you in prison and you'd rot in the dungeon and I couldn't just let you rot in the dungeon so I had to take you far, far away but I couldn't just leave you out here so far, far away on your own so I procured you a nice little mountain home but I couldn't just leave you alone in a secluded little mountain home either because you'd get eaten by wolves or attacked by a woodsman or do something stupid like try to come back to the kingdom so I got you a guard but no I couldn't just give you a guard with no means of support, that wasn't enough so I had to give you some start-up money too but not just some start-up money, money so you'd be set for life so you wouldn't have to worry - SO JUST TAKE IT AS A THANK-YOU, LIZ, AND DON'T MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND!... AND STOP BEING MAD AT ME ALREADY!"

Elizaveta stared at Lovina in a confused daze. "I hardly caught any of that... this- this is all supposed to be a 'thank-you' gift...?"

"Yes."

"This's a horrible thank-you! I don't want this!" Elizaveta squealed, gesturing to the plot of land behind her. "I don't want a new home or your filthy gold! And you certainly can't force me to be guarded by one of your sniveling lackeys for the rest of my life!"

"Well, the live-in guard part is optional. I just figured you'd want one."

"Well I DON'T," Elizaveta answered sharply, glaring menacingly at the several armed men standing next to the carriage.

Lovina looked from Elizaveta to the escorts. "None of these men are assigned to be your guard, if that's what you're thinking."

The queen's comment successfully coerced Elizaveta's death-glare away from the innocent men. Looking around, however, the maiden saw no one else on the entire mountain top.

"Well then... if none of these men are here to guard me, who is?"

Gilbert and Antonio's carriage came to a halt.

"I can't believe you sold me out because of some dark curls and a flowy dress, Toni. You're better than this!" Gilbert spat.

"Eh. I think you'll forgive me."

Gilbert then glanced out the carriage's sides, turning his head back and forth in an attempt to scope out his new surroundings.

He saw nothing more than a tiny cottage and a shabby windmill.

"What the hell kind of prison is this?" he demanded.

Antonio again smirked. "You'd prefer the crumbling tower with dugeon cells and bats? Hehe~ sorry, the circumstances of your punishment are a bit different. You won't exactly be incarcerated for the majority of your sentence... instead, it's more like you are serving a forced term of labor. You're duty will be to guard another convict."

"What?" Gilbert stepped out of the cart. "Antonio that doesn't even make sense ya' blockhead. Is this some sort of jo-" but his airway was cut off when two thin arms wrapped around his middle.

"Gilbert!" came the elated, high-pitched squeal.

"Liz!" he choked, "I can't breathe!"

"That sucks," she laughed, still unwilling to release him.

But he smiled, worked his arms free and picked the girl up, spinning her around.

"There!" cried the little queen. "Now you've got a home, money, each other, and a clean slate. So now you two piss-wads can be happy and stop complaining!"

Hardly before her sentence was finished, Lovina found herself entangled by Elizaveta's tight embrace.

"You're not mad at me!" Elizaveta exclaimed.

"Meh. I've told my share of lies... I also blamed you for a lot of the stolen goodies back in the castle's kitchen-"

"So that's why the cook always hated me..." She paused, eyes widening and narrowing a split-second later. "You- you- you... If THIS was your plan all along, why the HELL didn't you let Gilbert and me in on it?! Do you know the stress I've been going through?!"

Lovina shrugged. "I needed your reactions to be genuine. ...And maybe it was payback for keeping secrets from me..."

Elizaveta kept her eyes narrowed and her arms crossed. Lovina, however, smiled easily and threw an arm around her friend's shoulder. "But, you did help save my kingdom and everything..." Lovina paused and in a slightly more serious tone, added, "and... I'm alive because of you." She cleared her throat. "So can we call it even now, or what?"

Elizaveta's expression softened after a moment. She laughed heartily and squeezed the dark-haired girl before her. Lovina smiled and hugged her ex-servant back.

Eventually, they all began hugging and laughter filled the air (despite the fact that Lovina insisted it was beginning to physically sicken her). The grief, the stress, the sadness, the worry... all of it seemed to fade away in the mountain mist.

It felt too unreal, to good to be true, and somehow, just right, and so they laughed and cried with the joy of it all.

So the young king and queen returned to their kingdom in peace. Eventually, once more time had passed and they had established their power and their allies, the couple completely annulled the Council's faculty.

With the Council's dissolution, so dissolved the decree of banishment for the red-eyed man and woman warrior... Or, at least, that is what the king and queen declared. And no one opposed said decision; in fact, the announcement was celebrated throughout the kingdom.

Gilbert and Elizaveta, however, only visited occasionally; they were quite content on their small, self-sustaining plot of land. They were married and did... well, a variety of things... They kept a small farm and hunted and traded among the woodsmen. She taught archery, and he, eventually, became a swordsmith.

Whenever asked, they told their true story: about how they were heroes of a distant kingdom, how they were esteemed knights forced into seclusion enjoying a life of solitude. And that the little yellow bird they kept, was indeed, a falcon.

In all honesty, they were quite the oddest little mountain couple the few village dwellers had ever seen... but undoubtedly the happiest. They were kindly and strange and charming and... although not many people believed their story of origin, the children of the nearby families were absolutely entranced by their tales of heroism.

What the children enjoyed most, was that the story ended with a 'happily ever after'.

For anyone who met Gilbert and Elizaveta could refute their string of tales, but no one could deny that they did, in fact, live happily ever after.

So no, the knight did not ride off into the sunset with the damsel.

He tried to kill her, then was beaten senseless by her, then kidnapped her, and pretty much did everything else in the book that knights are NOT supposed to do.

But by doing that, he committed the most gracious act of any knight: he had given her freedom...

and through their friendship and eventual love, she had given him the same.

So yes, this tale is a tad unorthodox, because, if you hadn't noticed so far, this couple does not exactly go 'by the book'... but perhaps that's the exciting part, hm?

THE END.

Quote

*Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny (C.S. Lewis) ... so wear your tragedies as armor, not shackles!

A/N

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