Bitter Herbs

"Who is he?" Alys' voice made me jump and I dropped the basket at my hip. She walked over and helped me pick it up, but by the look in her eyes and the way her hand lingered over the rue and pennyroyal I knew she had guessed.
"Alys, I…"
"So you've let him…?" her voice trailed off, only hinting at her suggestion. I was half tempted to deny it, but her eyes gazed into mine, daring me to try such a thing, for she would know otherwise. I sighed, "I wanted it to happen, Alys. I wanted him." I blushed and looked down at my feet. She clasped my shoulder.
"I shan't judge you for it, Helga. Some here have chosen the Christian faith, the Viking or the old Roman one, but I'll follow my mother's quite happily."
"You could be killed for that." I said, a wry smile on my lips, she gave a shrug.
"I keep a rosary at my side, but I shan't be made to follow a belief I don't believe in. Call me a hypocrite or what you like; I much prefer living to dying and so does everyone else, whether they follow the ése or the Christian faith. Anyway, enough of religion, who is he?"

I put the basket down on a wooden table and examined the climbing roses I had planted, they were doing well, soft yellows, cream and white roses making their way up the side of the grey stone walls, their green leaves and stems snaking over the cold stone.
"Helga?" Alys said warningly, her hands on her hips.
"I don't want to say anything yet, Alys. I know he doesn't love me…"
"You've given yourself to a man who doesn't care for you?" she exclaimed, her blue eyes filling with worry.
"No, I didn't say that. If he knew I was in danger, he would protect me."
"Then how can he not love you?"
"It is complicated."
She let out a frustrated groan, "Helga, this is not the sort of relationship you want to be in."
"But it is."
"Do you love him then?"

I stopped, I did not know what I felt for Salazar, there were times when I hated him and times when I felt so close to him that I never doubted that it was love. I revelled in his companionship, disliked him dogging my steps, loathed his teasing, loved biting him back and surprising him. I needed his arms around me, that strength and passion, intoxicating and delicious for my senses. His scent and the tracing of his tongue on my skin. I felt my cheeks reddening.
"So it's not love, it's lust." she said.
I bit my lip and looked away from her, "I don't know what it is." and that was the truth, I didn't. I didn't know what I felt for Salazar.
"Just make sure you make the right decision and you're not giving your affection to someone who doesn't deserve it." she handed the basket back to me, "You should speak to Elric and Luisa."

I followed her inside and after putting down my basket, went upstairs to Luisa's room, Elric seemed attached to her and I hoped to find them both in her room. I knocked at the door and entered even though there was no reply. Luisa was sitting on her bed, Elric at her feet. His eyes were sore and he wiped his nose on his sleeve. I pulled out a handkerchief from my pocket and gave it to him, sitting next to Luisa on the bed. It was never easy comforting orphans, Luisa had proved herself distrusting of all our efforts, even those of Gwenith and Alys'. Elric did what Luisa did, but he did not really speak, rather than copy Luisa's aggression towards us. Experience told me it was often best to be honest and open, to acknowledge how they felt, instead of pretending everything was well.

"I know this is a sad time for you both, but what your parents would have wanted is your safety and wellbeing. You are safe here, I promise that." I began a little nervously.
Luisa didn't say anything, just folded her hands in her lap and kicked her legs back and forth. Elric sniffed again.
"No one blames you…" I continued, but Luisa interrupted.
"Was it our fault then?" Luisa whispered, almost so quietly I barely heard her.
"No, of course it wasn't." I said, instantly cuddling her. She shifted away from my embrace.
"I don't want a hug." she glared at her feet.
After a long silence, Elric suddenly looked up and cried, "I want my mother." tears running down his cheeks. I put my hand out to him, but he scrambled away from the gesture and went closer to Luisa.
"I'm sorry, Elric, there's nothing we can do about that. This is difficult, I know you miss them…"
"You don't know anything." Luisa glared at me and got up.
"Luisa, sit down please." I said, though she looked temptingly at the door, she eventually sat down at the end of the bed and when she was settled, I continued, "I do know a little of what this is like. When I was five my father was killed too, that's how I grew to know the Lady Rowena; her mother took me in when I was a child. She was good friends with my mother, even though they were of different statuses."

Luisa looked distinctly embarrassed, "I'm sorry, Mistress Helga."
I gently touched her shoulder and she did not move away from my hand.
"It's fine to be angry, in the same way it is to cry or not want to talk to anyone. It's very hard and the sadness never truly goes."
"Hasn't it gone for you?" Elric asked.
"Not really, even though he died when I was very young and I can't really remember him. But I know he loved me and that's what mattered."
"What happened to your mother?" Luisa asked.
"She died when I was a baby."
Luisa shifted a little closer to me, "I don't know what to do, what should I do?"
"You don't have to do anything, you are safe here and we will do everything to protect you and to look after you."
"But what about mother and father?" her lip wobbles, "I should bury them."

I do not mention her mother and father may not even have bodies to bury or that they could already be buried, but outside the church. Unless she was with us, we might not even recognise the bodies, depending on how many had been killed.
"It is too dangerous to go back to your villages."
"Then why don't you go?" Luisa asks.
"Because I don't know what your parents looked like and it is too dangerous a journey to go back there with you at my side. Your parents would not thank me if anything were to happen to you two."
"But it is meant to be our duty. It is." Luisa's insistence makes her loss seem more tragic and her girlhood more notable. She is too innocent.
"Your duty to your parents is to love them and keep their memory within your hearts. That's all they would want, they would not want you to be sad for very long, they would not want you to not eat your dinner and sicken. They know it will take a long time and it will be hard, but someday you'll laugh and smile again, they would understand your wish to see them properly buried, but the difficulty in doing so."

Elric climbed up onto the bed and sat beside me, I gently put my arm around his small shoulders and he rested his head against my side.
"I want to go home." he said.
I never knew what to say to that, it was difficult enough for children to come to term with losing one parent or both, even worse that everything they had once knew and loved no longer existed. Their friends were their enemies, their neighbours no longer welcoming, their home burnt to the ground and the village they had once grown up in a place of suspicion and peril. If I sent them back, it would be sending them to their deaths.
"This won't feel like home for some time, but it can be if you let it. Everyone here will love and protect you; the village here does not mind those with magic, so you are quite secure here. Now, you may not want to talk to Alys and I, and that is fine, but sometimes it's better if you do. Hiding things won't help us understand if there's a problem of some sort. You understand?"
Elric nodded and Luisa said, "Yes, Mistress Helga."

I gave them both small cuddles and then got up from the bed, "Dinner will be ready soon and we must talk about your education, but that can wait."
I smiled comfortingly at the two, "My bedroom is just down the corridor, next to Hector's and Cerdic's, you can talk to me whenever you wish, night or day."
They both nodded again and as I turned to leave I heard Luisa say, "Thank you, Mistress Helga." I turned back to her and clasped her shoulder.
"You are not alone here; we will all do the best we can."
It is the first conversation we will have, not everything needs to be resolved within it.

It still took some time for them to trust me, but I was not offended when they asked Gwenith and Hector about their experiences and sought Alys out for comfort, they had known her longer. But in tending to my garden or visiting the market, Luisa would often ask if she could join me and I felt it gave her a purpose as she dug her hands into the rich earth. There were times when the market holders would ask Luisa questions or try to talk to her, but she would lower her head and not speak a word. I did not push her to talk; she would in her own time.

Elric did not seem so troubled; he went to the school and enjoyed the lessons he had with Alys and I. He played with the other village children, Luisa staying nearby as though on guard duty. But Elric would gradually grow quieter as the day went on. He feared the nightmares he had at night and it was during my second week there, that Luisa woke me, telling me Elric was crying and screaming for his mother and she could not comfort him. I hastily pulled on a cloak over my nightgown and followed Luisa's candle to their shared room.

Elric lay sobbing on the bed, his dark curls sweaty and the sheets in disarray. I pulled him out from the messed bed and brought a chair over, sitting him on my lap and wiping away the sweat from his forehead, his little fists holding tightly onto my nightdress. He whimpered and kept saying how he wanted to go home, how he wanted his mama. I could do nothing but soothe him, rocking him back and forth in my arms and telling him he was safe, that the nightmare was over. Even though I knew the nightmare would not be over for him for many years. Eventually after Luisa brought him a drink of milk and he cuddled closer to me, he finally fell asleep. Luisa fetched Alys and they both remade the bed, so I could put Elric back in his crib and watch his chest slowly rise and fall, his thumb securely in his mouth. I wanted to cry then, but I waited till I was back in my bed to weep. I may not be a mother, but I could feel something similar to a mother's pain and her desire never to see her children in distress.

I was meant to only stay there for a week, but it soon turned into a month. I sent a letter to Hogwarts, explaining my absence; in truth I journeyed less often than Rowena and Godric, who both delighted in new adventures and new lands. Rowena would bring back strange books in different languages and spend hours translating them. Godric would regale us with exciting stories of fights with both man and beast. Salazar would sometimes travel too, but it was mostly to meet with other wizards and witches, and he did not speak of the conversations that took place between them.

I considered sending a letter to Salazar, I even brought out a fresh piece of parchment, my ink stand and quill pen. I spent hours staring at, 'Dear Salazar,' written in my hand on the page. It got to the point where I began thinking Salazar did not really fit the title of 'Dear' and I could not help giggling at the thought of writing, 'My dear, darling Salazar,' it sounded too ridiculous. So I took to sketching the symbol of the Slytherin house, a snake on a shield. Even with my steady hand and the fine lines of the lead pencil I had somehow managed to make the snake look submissive, as though it were a hot summer day and he was too lazy to move his head. There was a knock on my door and I quickly hid the rough sketch under some other papers.
"Come in." I called.
Cerdic opened the door and bounded to my side, "Mistress Helga, Alys says she needs some help in the kitchen."
"Oh of course." I got up and almost instantly forgot about my attempted letter. I left it under my books and paper and followed Cerdic down the stairs, into the kitchen.

I'll confess, still not wildly happy with Helga's conversation with Elric and Luisa, but what the hell do you say to children who's parents have been convicted of witchcraft and hanged? Feel free to give me some crit or suggestions with that, it's really bugging me and I've redrafted it about ten times. I tried to convey it was a conversation Helga had experience with, but she still finds it a difficult one to breach with young children. I don't know, maybe I'm just creating problems for myself! :)