Author's Note:

First off let me say that I did not anticipate there being such a long break between this and the last chapter. So sorry about that. Life has been pretty busy lately with exams, essay due dates and just life in general that I had been finding it hard to find time in the day to write this chapter _

But to make up for it this chapter is much longer and has a bit more of a lighter mood to it AND it's the last chapter before getting into the plot. Yay!

~Enjoy

Recovery Road

Casey galloped down the steps past the turnstiles, glancing around for any sign of life in the quiet lair. He hadn't checked on the turtles for a while but based on Mkey's last progress report it didn't sound like things were getting better. Noticing the light along the back wall coming from the kitchen, Casey went to investigate. Mikey sat on one of the stools with his head rested against his arm which was laid on the table. He wasn't even sure if he was awake due to how still he was sitting, especially when he walked in.

"Hey, Mikey. How are you doing?" He asked with his hands deep in his pockets.

"Could be better." Mikey mumbled, not lifting his head from the table. "Well, I'm sure things will get there eventually." Casey added. "Where's everyone else?"

"Sensei's still asleep, Leo's in the dojo doing who knows what and Raph… he's in his room."

"Still acting the same as last time?" Casey asked with worry. "It's a whole lot worse than last time. He's gone crazy and I mean he's literally insane." Mikey answered. "So, you've been all by yourself again?" Casey asked his anger boiling deep in his chest. Mikey only nodded his head. "I'm going to go talk to him." Casey stomped out of the room.

"Good luck."

Casey stomped up to Raph's door and began hitting against its surface. "Raph, I know you're in there. Open the door or I will." Casey threatened when he received no response. After a few silent seconds Casey kicked open the door. When he entered the room, he barely had time to react before Raph came charging at him with a glass shard in his hands.

"Whoa, dude!" Casey ducked from his swing before hitting his arm, causing the shard to fly from his grip. "What the hell, Raph?"

"I-I didn't know it was you, man. I thought you were him… I… I thought…." Raph trailed off as he rubbed his hand, showing signs that he was clearly out of breath and delusional.

"God it smells in here." Casey scrunched up his face. "How long have you kept yourself locked in here?" Raph shrugged his shoulders, not looking up at him. "Well that's changing right now." Casey threatened before walking out of the room, returning with a black garbage bag that he began to shake open.

"Hey! Don't touch my stuff!" Raph growled standing up. "No! You don't get a say in this. You're getting over this whether you like it or not." Casey demanded. "And we're starting by getting rid of these." Casey held up a bottle before slamming it into the trash bag. "I lost my dad to this demon, I'm not losing you too."

As Casey went to pick up another bottle Raph grabbed his arm and pushed him away. "I don't need your help, Casey!" "Obviously you do. Look at this place, it's a freaking mess. And look at yourself! All cut up and bruised and everything reeks so it's obvious you haven't been taking care of yourself! Everyone else has given up on you, but I'm not. Not when I know you're better than this." He asserted before continuing to pick up the bottle.

"I said don't touch that!" Raph tackled Casey causing the two to roll over top of each other out the door and into the hallway. Raph struggled to keep Casey down but in his weaken state Casey gained the upper hand and pinned him to the ground. With Raph at a disadvantage Casey ran up and shut the door to Raph's bedroom and stood in front of the door.

"Casey move out of the way!" Raph demanded as he brought himself to his feet.

"I'm not going to let you waste your life away locked in that room. There are still people that need you and if you keep shoving them away then one day you'll really be alone."

"You don't understand, Casey!" Raph turned his back to him, running his hands down the back of his head and to his neck.

"Then help me understand! Tell me what I can do to help you out!" Casey asked.

"Erase my memory!" Raph admitted.

"What are you talking about, man?"

"I just want to forget." Raph muttered inside his hands pressed against his face. "I want to forget his face; I want to forget his scream; I just want to forget about Donnie." Raph pressed against the wall, sliding down to meet with the flour. Casey's face soften as he approached his broken friends.

"Do you have any idea what it's like? To have someone die in your arms and you're powerless to do anything to save them?" Raph asked looking at his hands outstretched in front of him. "Every time I blink I can still see his blood soaked on my arms. I just want to forget."

"And you honestly think this is the only way you can?" Casey asked with more softly. Raph let out a defeated sigh as he leaned his head back. "It was worth a shot." Raph looked at him causing a small smile to creep on to both of their faces.

"But it's not working is it?" Casey asked.

"No. No it's not." Raph lowered his head. "So what do I do now?"

"Now you're going to get over this." Casey stood up, walking over to the small storage area next to the bathroom door that held the towels. "But, first, you're going to take a shower because I cannot stand this close for more than a minute without my eyes burning." Casey implied as he threw him a towel. He led Raph into the lair's makeshift bathroom and turned on the water to the shower. "I'm giving you thirty minutes so you better be clean by that time. If not I will come in here and clean you myself if I have to. I'll be waiting outside the door." Casey instructed before leaving Raph alone. Raph never realized how low his body temperature was until the hot water hit against his icy skin. The wounds along his body became irritated as water seeped into them but he hardly cared at that moment. He could feel the layer of grim and slime melt off of him and down the drain just making everything better.

Casey sat on the floor outside the bathroom with his back against the door, listening to the water run from the shower inside. Mikey came trudging out of the dojo and caught eye sight with him. "Who's in the bathroom?" he asked.

"Raph. I'm making him take a shower and then he's going to eat something." Casey responded.

"Wow, he's actually listening to someone." Mikey rolled his eyes.

"It wasn't easy, believe me." Casey admitted as Mikey sat in front of him, starring past him at the bathroom door.

"I really don't want to lose him too."

"You're not, Mikey. Not if I have a say in it." Casey assured him.

"And how are you going to fix him? How are you going to fix this?" Mikey asked him. "He's been a lost cause since this disaster started and even if you do manage to get through to him, how do you know he won't relapse?"

"You just have to have faith in him, Mikey. You guys have all been through a lot. I mean he was there when Donnie died and that can have a major impact on someone's psychological balance. We just need to be patient."

"And what about me?" Mikey shot his gaze to him. "I was there too. I saw what he saw- I've lost my arm during all this for god's sake! Why is everyone falling apart and leaving me behind?"

"Maybe." Casey searched for the right words to say as Mikey's eyes sank into him. "Maybe it's just because you're stronger than all of us. You always have been without anyone acknowledging it. Like the time you figured out April's mom was actually a giant Kraang monster, or the time you single-handedly escaped the belly of that shredder mutant, and I've heard stories of you saving everyone from a giant wasp; that's pretty cool."

"Yeah, I guess so." Mikey rested his chin on his fist. "But mutant mom's and large bugs are the least of our worries now. We're facing world domination and our team is dropping like flies and I don't know how much stronger I can last." The sudden sound of the water stopping from the other side of the door drew their attention. "Just try to stay strong a little bit longer. Things will turn around soon, you'll see." Casey squeezed his shoulder before standing up to wait for Raph at the bathroom door. "I hope you're right." Mikey stated before walking towards the bedrooms.

"How you holding up, Raph?" Casey knocked on the door. The silence on the other end sent a wave of anxiety through him. "Raph, answer me." Casey knocked again. When there was no response Casey went for the door knob. "Please don't be armed with glass again." He pleaded to himself before opening the door. The room was clouded with the steam from the shower but it didn't take long to find the green blur sitting in the corner of the room.

"Raph, what are you doing, buddy?" Casey asked as he looked down on him.

"I've been such an idiot, lately." Raph responded.

"C'mon man-"

"No, I've screwed up everything. Mikey has been all by himself and I've been literally pushing him away. I've ruined everything."

"You haven't ruined everything, man, you're just in a ditch right now." Casey tried to comfort him.

"No, this is a mess. Mikey's never going to forgive me for this. And then what? I'll just be that worthless older sibling that failed both of his little brothers."

Casey let out a sigh before he knelt in front of him. "I don't think you've lost Mikey yet. I think he's just disappointed, and hurt, and alone, but you can fix this- only if you're willing to fix it."

Raph nodded his head as he met Casey's eyes. "I want to fix this."

It had been months since Raph embraced the cool breeze of fresh air. The lair had been on locked down since their last stand off with the Foot Clan and he had yet to see the moon or the stars since. When they had finally emerged to the surface, Raph toke in as deep of a breath as his lungs could withstand letting the cool air decrease his hot body temperature from being cooped up in a small space for so long.

"This way, Raph." Casey tilted his head in one direction before leading him towards it. They toke passages through alley ways to avoid the empty streets because they were a dead giveaway and they'd be easy targets if they were spotted in the open like that. Helicopters roared overhead as Casey darted toward the wired fence that divided the city from the outside park. Jumping over it, Casey continued to lead him on this mystery path. Running under the tree tops, it didn't take Raph long to realize where they were heading.

"No. I don't want to be here." Raph came to a stop. "Raph you're never going to be able to fix this unless you address the problem first." Casey turn to face him.

"Can't we address the problem somewhere else?" Raph asked. "No this needs to be done. There's something holding you back from moving on and it's time you got rid of it." Casey toke a hand out from his jacket pocket to put it on Raph's shoulder. "You're not going to be able to get past this if you keep blaming yourself."

"But it is my fault." Raph replied sternly. "No it's not, Raph. The only one responsible for the blade going through Donnie's chest is the guy who put it there and that wasn't you." Casey protested.

"But I can't do this." Raph exhaled as he avoided eye contact with Casey. "Yes you can, man." Casey gave his shoulder a squeeze before retreating his hand back to his pocket.

"Hey, remember why you're doing this." Casey reminded him before continuing in his general direction. With chest tighten sigh, Raph continued to follow him. He began to slow his pace when Casey stopped in front of an object nestled in the ground. Raph walked in a small circle as he tried to keep himself together. He avoided eye contact as Casey stepped out of line of vision for Raph to notice.

"I know you have all this guilt and anger built inside of you, Raph. The only way you're going to be able to get Mikey to forgive you, is if you forgive yourself first." With a tight closed squeeze of his eyes Raph dropped to his knees beside where Casey was standing.

"I'll be over here when you're done." Raph listened to the sound of Casey's footsteps get quieter behind him.

When Raph opened his eyes he was faced with the hard engraving of his brother's name.

"H-Hey, Donnie." Raph's voice cracked. He looked around at his surroundings as he tried to search for the words to say. The new spring air had begun growing leaves on to the braches of the surrounding trees, but not all of them were in bloom due to the lack of sunshine beneath the clouds of smoke overhead. A bunch of Irises laid in front of his knees were at their last petal and the patch of dirt under him was almost completely covered with freshly grown grass.

"I've really made a mess of things this time, huh?" Raph sighed as he focused back on the tombstone. "Leo's given up on me, Mikey hates me, and Splinter's just disappointed. Things have just gone really downhill after you left. I don't know, maybe it all is because of me. I was so desperate to get those images out of my head that I just forgot about everyone else." Raph toke a moment to steady his breathing again before continuing.

"I'm sorry, Donnie. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry you had to go out the way you did. If there was anything I could do to fix it I would, but I'm not like you. I don't fix things, you do. And now I've wrecked everything and there's no one here to fix it." Raph rubbed his eyes.

"I know it's not my fault, but who else am I supposed to blame? I'm your older brother, it's my job to protect you and I didn't. I know if you were here now you'd tell me I should stop blaming myself… and then probably slap some sense into me by telling me how ridiculous I've been acting. I just miss you so much Donnie." He sighed with defeat. "Everything's gone and it's not going get better if I just sit on my ass and do nothing." Raph realized. "I have to do something. I have to be the one to fix this, but I can't unless I finally let go." Raph looked up at the tombstone. "And I think I'm finally ready to let go." Raph stood back on his feet, laying his hand on top of the tombstone. A small smile crept on to his face as he felt a heavy burden fall from his shoulders.

"Goodbye, Donatello." Raph dropped his hand back to his side. He gave the tombstone one last glance before turning to meet back with Casey.

Casey sat against a tree a couple feet from where he left Raph when he heard footsteps stop beside him.

"Better?" Casey asked looking up at him.

"Better."

"I'm proud of you, man." Casey stood up to swing his arm behind Raph's shoulder as they headed back for the lair. "We're making progress."

"What's next?" Raph asked.

"Next, we're going to clean your room." Casey held up a garbage bag.
"What?"
"You heard me, we're cleaning this room, starting with you throwing all these bottles away." Casey instructed. "Not a single one will be left."

Raph kept his hands in tight fists at his side as he watched Casey drop the first couple of bottles into the black bag. Giving the bag a shake, Casey raised a brow at him. "Your turn."

Raph glanced at the garbage bag hanging from Casey's hands before eyeing the pile of bottles in his room. Raph picked up the bottle from the top of the pile closest to him, holding it in his hand as he glanced over it. Casey raised an eyebrow in his direction. This needed to be done. He needed to get over this. He needed to do this for Mikey.

For Donnie.

A smile of encouragement lit up Casey's face as Raph let the container hit the bottom of the bag. The two spent the rest of the afternoon clearing away Raph's addiction before it was out of sight. Once they were finished, the two sat on Raph's bed, admiring their work.

"Now, I think somebody deserves an apology." Casey turned his head to look at him.

"I can't face him." Raph starred ahead

"You have to, Raph. It's the only thing you can do now to get him to forgive you."

"If he forgives me."

"Don't worry. He'll forgive you because Mikey cares about you, just like you care about him."

Raph's heart was ready to burst out of his chest by the time he approached the doorway to the kitchen. His gaze locked on to Mikey who stood at the other side of the room cleaning dishes in the sink. Raph reached over and grabbed his arm to stop the shaking feeling at his side, his fingers gently brushing over his scars. He stopped at the other side of the table and tried to control his breathing again. Mikey kept his back turned from him, keeping the water running along the silver pot. With a deep intake of breath, Raph spoke first.

"H-Hey…" his voice soft and small, a tone unfamiliar to Mikey coming out of Raph's mouth.

"Hey…" Mikey responded without moving his position. "So, um… how's your arm?" Raph asked trying to lighten to atmosphere with conversation.

"Gone." Mikey answered bluntly. "Oh, right." Raph released his grip from his arm and began glancing around the kitchen in search of a new topic to start off with.

"I can see you've started cooking again! That's cool. I smelt waffles the other day and they did smell really good." "They were really good, Sensei had breakfast with me that day. I would've offered you some but..." Mikey extended the last word before taking a short pause. "I didn't think you wanted any."

"Yeah, um…about that…" Raph steady his breathing again before continuing. "Listen, I'm really sorry about these last couple of months, after what had happen I just lost it. I wasn't myself, I was having nightmares, I was seeing things that weren't there, images of what happened kept replaying in mind over and over again and I couldn't take it anymore. What started out as one to just relief the stress turned into two and then three and then I was drinking cases a day, doing everything I could to get my mind off of this nightmare. And then I lost control, and I abandoned you for my own selfish reasons and I'm sorry, Mikey. We all lost Donnie, which means none of us should've gone through this alone and I'm such a dumbass for realizing this three months later after you've already gone through the trauma. Just proves you really are the stronger than me.

Now, I'm not asking you to forgive me but I at least want you to know how sorry I am and how much I regret everything I ever did or said to you. Casey helped me get through out of that and I'm never going back, I swear. I promise to look after you from now on and take care of you when you need it and make up for all that time we lost." Raph began choking back tears as Mikey continued to stare coldly into the sink.

"Because, you're the only little brother I have left now. And as your older brother it's my job…. It's my job to look after you. I'm not failing again. All this drinking was to try and keep me from remembering what happened that night… what I saw, but… none of that's worth it if it means I don't remember you." Raph swallowed the lump in his throat before looking up at his brother's back. Mikey bit down on his lower lip as a single tear escaped down his cheek. "Thanks for listening, at least. If you need anything at all, please let me know." As Raph turned to leave the sound of one of the chairs falling over stopped him in his tracks. Mikey threw his arm around his older brother, burying his face in his shoulder. Raph turned to his little brother and wrapped his arms around him himself. "I forgive you, raphie." Mikey replied with his face still buried. "Thank you." Raph's voice shook. "Thank you, Thank you." The two remained in embrace in the kitchen, letting any tears flow from their eyes because they both needed a shoulder to cry on.

Raph watched Casey grab his jacket from the couch as he walked towards the turnstiles from the steps towards the bedrooms.

"Finally going home I see." Raph stated crossing his arms in front of his chest. "As much fun as it is staying here I still have to help April out on that project we're working on. After abandoning her for a couple days the least I can do is show up today." Casey replied sliding his jacket on.

"Thanks for helping me out, man it really means a lot." Raph thanked him. "Don't mention it, bro. I had to deal with this alone when my mom died and it wasn't fair. I couldn't sit back and let it happen to someone else. Plus, I know you would've done the same for me if I was in your shoes. But, I never wanna see you like that again, ok?" Casey joked as he slapped his hand against Raph's shoulder. "No matter what happens, or who dies you can't relapse. They'll need you and you're gonna have to be strong for them, got it?" Casey asked.

"Got it." Raph mumbled as he stared down at the tombstone with his best friend's name carved into it. The slab of stone was located at the cemetery in New York City instead of in the forest like his brother. He was buried next to his mother, it was what he wanted. Who would've known that out of all the stupid things Casey had done in his life he would've gone down in a helicopter. Shot down by the Foot and crashed into a building just off the edge of the city. It toke days to find him, most believed he must've been captured since his radio was still functional but on one night patrol several days later someone reported seeing one of the resistance's helicopter's and sure enough inside was Casey's deteriorating corpse.

Raph kept his arms tight against him as he snuggled his face deeper into his thick jacket. The winds of December blew hard against his face, causing the moistness of his eyes to dry up.
"Raph, we're heading out. You coming or what?" Mikey voice demanded form behind him. "Raph? Raph!" His voice grew louder.

"Raph!" Mikey shook his shoulder, snapping him out of his daze. "What?" Raph asked as he shook his head. "You ok? You checked out there for a minute." Mikey joked. "Oh, yeah I was just thinking of something- I uh…I saw Leo the other day." Raph spoke up to change the subject. "I almost didn't recognize him. He's so… different."

"What kind of different?" Mikey asked.

"He must've gotten into a fight. A nasty one. Noticeable scars all over his body, burnt marks up his legs and his sight is totally gone along with my respect. He's not the man we used to trust all those years ago. He's not our fearless leader anymore." Raph explained.

"I used to think out of all of us Leo would be the one to hold on. I guess I was wrong."

"We were both wrong." Raph sighed.

"So how long are you staying here?" Mikey asked, changing the topic. "For as long as I'm needed." Raph answered with a sigh. "And then what?" Mikey pressed on.

"And then… I don't know. Head west I guess. There's nothing tying me down here so I might as well try to escape as much of this as I can." Raph shrugged. Giving Mikey's eyes a glance he could tell they were full of grief and emptiness. Who knew what all he had been through? And if it toke him 20 years to see him again when would be the next time? Never?

"You could come with my. If you want." He asked casing Mikey's widen in their stare. "We could both just get out of the hellscape and just run away and never have to look back."

"That sounds awesome… but I can't." Both of their faces fell at the same time. "No matter how bad it gets here I could never leave this place for good. It's all I've ever known. Maybe you can just give up everything and walk away, and more power to you, but I can't. Even if I tried." Mikey sighed.

"I understand." Raph nodded. "You always did seem to embrace this place more than the rest of us."

"What can I say? I was born to be a New Yorker." Mikey flashed a small smile that made his cheeks hurt from the long forgotten feeling. Mikey wished the two of them could remain sitting there watching the sunset disappear but he look on Raph's face screamed that he unwillingly had somewhere else he needed to be.

"Well, it was really great to see you again, Raph." Mikey sighed as he stood up, followed by Raph mimicking his move. "It's going to be getting dark soon and it's not safe to remain on the rooftops at that time."

"Right." Raph agreed sticking his hands in his pocket.

"Sorry for thinking you were an attacker and shooting at you… and spitting in your eye." Raph replied with a soft laugh.

Without a second thought to stop him, Mikey threw himself forward, wrapping his arm around Raph. Raph responded by doing the same, letting them stand there in silence for a moment.

"Good luck, bro." Mikey stepped back.

"You too, Mikey." Raph replied before turning to walk away. Mikey walked off the opposite direction to jump into the alley, but not before Raph gave one last look back at him until he disappeared.