Chapter Five

As she sat beside her husband staring down at the little photo in her hand, Anna felt both awe and anxiety bubbling up inside her chest. The first ultrasound had been a success. There was a little bean growing inside Anna's belly, and they had a picture of it right here. It was grainy and looked like a small blob, but Anna knew it would look like a tiny human one day soon.

She was excited but also nervous, and John could sense this. He knew her too well to believe she was completely enthusiastic. "You're still nervous, aren't you?" he whispered, placing his hand gently atop his wife's and stroking it soothingly.

Anna nodded. "Sure the baby's fine now, but what if it's not fine in a few weeks? 22 weeks? We lost James at 22 weeks. Something could always go wrong."

John gave a nod of acknowledgement of his wife's words before taking her gently into his arms and holding her close. She buried her face into his chest, and he pressed a kiss to her hair before speaking.

"I know you're scared, and I know there's nothing I can do to make sure things will go 100 percent right. But I can promise you this: I will be right here every step of the way. I know this pregnancy still has a ways to go, and I understand you're worried. That's a lot of time for some sort of complication to make itself known or for our baby's heart to stop beating. But, Anna, we can't dwell on that. If we spend every day worrying about something going wrong the next, we'll miss the magic of the moment. Today we saw our baby's heartbeat. Today our baby is alive and well. And that is what we have to focus on: today. Okay?"

Anna nodded against her husband's chest before murmuring, "and you'll help me do that, right?"

"Of course I will, love. I will always be right here," he assured her, rubbing gentle circles into her back. "And I have every confidence our team of doctors and nurses will let us know at the first sign of any complication."

John was right. Doctor Ryder and his team were very skilled at what they did, and they knew her history and were monitoring her and the baby's health closely. Anna had to admit John's words had made her feel so much better. While her fear was valid, she knew it would be much better for her mind to remain in the present, and at present, things were going smoothly.

"I love you," she told her husband, grateful he always knew exactly the right thing to say.

"I love you too," he responded, placing a kiss on her temple as his hand went to her still non-existent baby bump. "I love you both."

John and Anna had worked together throughout the first few months of her pregnancy to come up with an action plan so her anxiety wouldn't overwhelm her and she could enjoy being pregnant. Whenever her fears started to creep in or she would have a strong memory or nightmare about losing James, she would tell John and would take her to a quiet spot near the pond to help her mind settle. They would sit and cuddle and stroke Anna's expanding bump to remind themselves that everything was okay and their baby was still right there.

Today was one of those days where they found themselves at the pond. Anna had had a flashback to losing James in her dream the night before, and she needed this time to get her mind off of that awful day five years ago.

She hadn't felt good all day. Her stomach felt off, her back had a dull ache, and she was tired and unexplainably anxious. She was laying on the couch when John got home from work. "Honey, I'm home. Are you ready to go?" he called as he entered the living room. Then, he noticed her slowly bringing herself to a seated position on the couch. "Hey," he whispered.

"Hey," she whispered back. "Sorry I'm not ready yet. I was resting, and I guess time just got away from me."

"It's alright, darling," he assured. "We don't have to go tonight. It's just dinner with Cora and Robert. They'll understand if you don't feel up to it."

"No, we should go. We need to finalize the wedding details with them. Just give me five minutes or so to freshen up."

She stood up and walked towards the bathroom. John nodded his head and took a seat to wait for her.

"John!" he heard her shout from the bathroom a moment later. He rushed in and found her in the little room where the toilet was, standing over it seemingly frozen.

"My darling, what's the matter?" he asked, concern evident in his shaky voice.

"I…I think my water broke," she managed to choke out through her fear.

He glanced down and noticed her yoga pants were wet. He had been so shocked at seeing her standing frozen in place that he hadn't noticed that before.

"Right, let's try not to panic. Let's get you to the hospital and go from there," he said as calmly as he could muster. "Are you in pain?" he asked.

She nodded her head. "I've felt off all day," she confessed.

He gently guided her out of the bathroom and towards the door. He grabbed a towel from the linen closet on his way out and gently wrapped it around her waist as he got her settled into the passenger seat of the car.

He got into the driver's side, and she took hold of his hand. "John, I'm scared."

"I am too, my love," he said as he leaned over and kissed her temple, "but I'm right here and I always will be." Then, he started the car and began to drive to the hospital.

When they arrived at the hospital, Anna was taken back immediately. She was only 22 weeks and 3 days pregnant, so the nurse got a doctor to see her right away. Doctor Crawley came in with an ultrasound machine and explained the protocol for the scenario, but Anna wasn't fully listening. She felt like she was in a daze. She felt nauseous and full of dread.

"I am going to see if I can find a heartbeat with an abdominal ultrasound. I don't want to do a transvaginal one and risk infection since your waters have already broken. Now, you don't seem to be having any strong contractions yet, so if the baby has a heartbeat, we will start you on corticosteroids to help the baby's lungs develop and try to hold off labor for as long as we can to let them take effect. Although, I must warn you premature babies born at 22 weeks have less than a 25 percent chance of survival."

John nodded and took hold of Anna's hand to reassure her before asking the question about the outcome they were all dreading but knew was highly likely, "And what if there's no heartbeat?"

"Then, I will start Anna on pitocin to bring on her labor." Isobel answered gently. "You will have the opportunity to hold your baby should you choose to and to have photographs taken before we proceed with funeral or cremation processes."

Isobel's words about the reality of the situation had brought Anna out of her daze slightly, and a cry left her lips. She looked at John with tears streaming down her face while Isobel performed the ultrasound. "Our baby, John," she said nervously. He knelt down beside the table and Anna put her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry our baby isn't okay," she whispered.

"It isn't your fault, my love," he whispered into her hair and pressed a kiss there before looking up to Doctor Crawley for news.

"I'm sorry. There is no heartbeat. We will get you settled in a birthing suite and start the pitocin."

Anna's body shook with the sobs that followed the news. John held her in his arms, silent tears escaping him too.

Once Anna had stopped sobbing enough to be transferred to another room, she was started on pitocin. It didn't take long for the labor pains to begin or to get closer once they had started. The nausea and emotional exhaustion she felt in addition to them made her worn out, but she knew she wouldn't get any rest for some time to come.

Nearly four hours after starting the pitocin, the time came for Anna to push. She gripped John's hand tightly and looked over at him with tears brimming in her eyes. He gently rubbed her lower back and kissed her crown. "I'm right here, love," he assured her in a calm hushed tone. His words were calming to her despite them lingering with grief and the unshed tears she could see in his eyes.

She pushed as quietly and efficiently as she could manage all the while tears were streaming down her face. Soon her tiny baby boy was placed into her arms. He looked peaceful, and that was the only thing that could bring Anna even the smallest bit of solace in this situation.

When the afterbirth was complete, Isobel left them to grieve for a little while before it would be time to take the baby away. "He needs a name, John," Anna whispered as she cradled her stillborn baby.

"Yes, he does," John agreed, "Something to remember him by."

"What about James? It means 'may God protect.' And since I can't protect him here on Earth, maybe God can protect him in Heaven."

"That's perfect. James William Bates, you are so loved." John placed a gentle hand on the baby's head and kissed it.

"William?" Anna's voice was full of emotion as she choked back her tears. "That is so special to me. Thank you for choosing it, John."

"It seemed right. Your father was special to you, and so is this little one. He will always have a special place in our hearts even though he won't be here with us physically."

"I'm sorry this happened to you, James," Anna whispered into her boy's crown. "But I love you immensely, and I will never stop loving you."

Anna shook herself from remembering it once again and brought herself back to the present. She looked around at the nature surrounding her as she took big breaths and stroked her bump, feeling her baby kick beneath her hand. While she would never stop missing her first son, she was also excited at the prospect of another child. It was important to her that James knew she wasn't trying to replace him by getting pregnant again. He would always hold a piece of her heart; she just wanted to give another piece of it to another of her and John's children. As she sat staring at the pond, she sent up a silent prayer to her baby boy in Heaven, assuring him how loved and remembered he would always be.

Anna stood in her baby's nursery, stroking her 38-week bump as she looked around at the completed room. It was the perfect room for their baby. John had built the crib last week and installed the last of the shelving units earlier that morning. She was glad she hadn't let her fears stop her from creating a space for their baby. Their baby was real and perfectly healthy, and it would need a room eventually.

She could imagine this room as the perfect space for the little one kicking inside her. The light gray walls were a soothing color, and the white furniture stood out against it. The rocking chair would be a cozy spot for Anna to nurse the baby, and the stuffed animals dispersed in various places throughout the room added to the comfy vibe. The stuffed giraffe was Anna's favorite. It had been a gift at her baby shower, and she had named him Desmond after a giraffe from the zoo. She had chosen some giraffe wall decor and placed a few books with giraffes on the cover on the shelves, and she even had a giraffe onesie hanging in the closet ready and waiting for their little one to wear.

One thing was for sure, if this baby was as much of an animal lover as Anna and John were, then they were in for a lot of fun. Even if that wasn't the case, however, they would always be forever grateful for their miracle baby. Anna thought about this as her eye caught on the ultrasound framed on the wall. That photo was the start of a new beginning for the Bateses. It had been the start of a journey that, while impacted somewhat by the trials of anxiety, was an all-around amazing experience. It had been a magical time thus far, and Anna knew it was sure to get more magical when their little one arrived.