Full Circle
Chapter 5 – Realisation
AN: Hey everyone thanks for all your comments so far I appreciate them. I have took on board your guys comments and have made the changes I hope it makes it easier to read now. Its funny how that's one thing I never really paid attention to I just kinda started writing and writing then decided to upload it. Anything else to make this better for you guys I will so let me chapter is more about Fitz and his feelings but the next couple of chapters are pretty heavy but I believe in order for olitz to really have a go and have a real relationship with each other they have to really talk and listen to the other which we know on the show never happens.
After leaving Olivia in his bedroom Fitz is standing by the window in the oval office with a glass of scotch in his hand. He doesn't know how he is supposed to feel, should he be angry, hurt, sad, understanding or be a mixture of all. Should he blame himself for her actions? He wanted to stay with her and comfort her but being so close to her was bringing back all his feelings for her, despite all the hurt they have brought each other his heart only beats for her.
He had been trying to move on but got it all wrong and let his pain cloud his judgement. He had come to the conclusion to focus his time on being a great president and to try and make a difference in the months remaining.
It was now midnight and Fitz couldn't face going back up to the residence, seeing Olivia back up there would be too much for him in this moment so he decided to get a head start on the day's work.
After a few hours his mind to starts to wonder about his relationship with Olivia particularly that last month when everything was going wrong with them. He realises how he pushed her and almost to a point controlled her, he never considered how moving her in without her knowledge or consent could send her back to the time she was kidnapped.
He felt her slipping away, she had already lied to him and it automatically sent his mind to defiance and instead of shutting her out because the pain was too much he went in the opposite direction and made sure that he would know where she is and could be there with her even if he was hurt.
Rowan. One of the many thorns in their relationship and arguably the biggest. The man who murdered his son, the man who taught his daughter that she had to be twice as good in order to win, the man who only showed his daughter affection if she did something that was good enough for him. She craves a relationship with him no matter what she says, she needs his approval but she wants to prove that she is better than him.
Over the month they have been in somewhat contact with each other he has seen her slipping further into his grasps. Olivia was becoming her father, he can see glimpses of the women he loves every now and then but the darkness consumes her.
Jake. Fitz lets out a loud sigh at the thought of his name. The man Olivia always turns to, the man she runs to and the man she runs away with. He wonders what happened between her coming to tell him she was leaving and the wedding in order to change her mind.
It's his fault Jake is in her life his need to protect her and make sure she is safe was the only thing that mattered to him. He didn't care that he didn't get her permission that he was invading her privacy but up until that point he never knew the pain Olivia would go through every time she saw him with Mellie but he felt it every time she goes to Jake, every time she turns to Jake instead of him.
That's what hurts the most the fact that she is the only person Fitz wants to turn to about anything and everything, Fitz trusts her above everyone but it doesn't seem to be the same for her. It wasn't until recently that he started doubting her true feelings for both he and Jake, he feels sick to his stomach thinking that Olivia could love Jake or that she could pick him.
He knows that if they have any hope of making them work again he couldn't have Jake around and he feels like an ass for potentially giving her an ultimatum but if she picks him that she will have to cut Jake out of her life for good.
All the signs were there for him to pick up on but he chose to ignore them, he chose to ignore her. Maybe if he paid attention more and listened to her then maybe she would still be pregnant and they would be happy together.
He doesn't want to think about their baby it's almost too painful, does Olivia even want kids? He has always talked about them getting married and having children together and even though she has never said that's not what she wants she didn't say it was either.
He doesn't know what to do, he hopes that whatever it is will come to him and they will make the right choice but at the moment he is at a standstill. Seeing that it was nearly 3 am he decided to lay down on the couch, he couldn't get much work done as his mind was focused on Olivia.
It only seemed like a couple of minutes since he closed his eyes but the knock on the door and sunlight streaming in told him otherwise.
'Come in' his head agent Matt enters with a fresh suit for him to wear. With a grateful smile and a nod of the head Fitz enters his private office to freshen up.
As soon as his day got going it seemed like it was one problem after another and he was only able to check on Olivia once in the morning. Luckily she was still fast asleep hardly moving which to Fitz was clear sign that she was exhausted.
He had Abby go in and check on her throughout the door, he didn't feel comfortable sending anyone else and even though things were strained between the friends he knew how much Abby cared for Olivia. Every time she would come to him for an update she would say that she was still fast asleep.
Olivia wakes up disorientated and in darkness, her eyes adjusting to the darkness she realises she is in Fitz's bedroom. Looking over to the bedside table she sees a glass of water, it's still fairly cold so he has either checked on her or sent someone to do so either way he still cares a little bit if only about her well being. The door opens and in walks Fitz looking drained and exhausted
'Hi' Olivia barely go out she doesn't really know what to do at this point do she go, does she stay and wait for him to talk to her.
Does he finally hate me? Can he forgive me? Are all thoughts going around in Olivia's head.
He finally makes his way over to her and sits on the bed, she gulps not knowing what to do or say.
'How are you feeling 'he asks
'Ok I guess what time is it?'
'Its 11 pm'.
Olivia looks out at the window and see its night, she has slept the whole day and still feels exhausted and drained.
'I called Quinn for you earlier and let her know you wouldn't be in for the next few days, do you er do you want to stay here for the night?'.
Not being able to say anything Olivia nods her head, he squeezes her hand in reassurance and he makes his way to the bathroom to get ready for bed. He comes back in to her and she finds her voice again
'Will you will you stay here with me' she asks looking down not wanting to see the rejection of him leaving to go to another room.
He makes his way over to her and she slides over to what used to be her side of the bed, it should feel awkward and weird but it doesn't it feels right.
After a few minutes he pulls Olivia over to him to the point where she is literally on top of him and he wraps his arms around her and kisses the top of her head.
She starts crying again and she knows he knows because one he is shirtless so her tears are falling onto his chest and two his arms wrap even tighter around her giving her the extra comfort and support that is needed.
She readjusts ever so slightly on his chest so her head is over his heart and she allows it to lull her back to sleep.
Wrapping his arms around her even tighter knowing that is what she needs right now. In the nearly 9 years he has known Olivia Pope she has never cried like she has in the past 2 days.
He sees her unraveling, he sees her breaking down and he doesn't know how to help and it breaks his heart every day. Maybe if I just put my hurt and pride aside and reached out to her I might have seen it sooner he thinks to himself.
If I hadn't moved her in here against her will maybe we would have been in better place, we would have had our first Christmas together, maybe she would have still been pregnant and we would be picking out baby names and arguing over the nursery. The early morning conversation he had with himself is back, he tries to shake it but all the 'what ifs' pop into his head.
She moves her head to place it over his heart and a small smile creeps on his face, he feels her relax in his arms after this and he knows she is falling asleep. He listens to them breathing together; he sees the rise and fall of their chests always in sync.
He can't lose her not again, not after everything even in the end she just wants to be friends, he needs Olivia pope but most importantly he needs Olivia Pope to be happy.
Seeing those images of her and Jake hurt, he should have been more prepared he always thought with him out of the picture they would be together, but seeing the women you love in the arms of another man, kissing another man and another man bringing pleasure to said women is still hard to think about.
If Jake is what she really wants and he makes her happy he will do everything in his power to make sure that happens no matter how much it would kill him.
After spending all day since he put Olivia to bed the day before thinking about the abortion, yes it hurts that she didn't want their baby at the time but what hurts the most is that she couldn't tell him about any of it and she went through it alone. No women should have to go through that alone.
Was I that distant that I didn't notice how withdrawn she was being, how did I not she was pregnant? What was I doing making her organise dinners and parties, that's not Liv he thinks to himself.
Liv gives him the power to be able to do anything, to be able to make the right choice, the voice of reason, she can out argue anyone if she wanted to so why didn't they together re create the role of First Lady.
We could have started to create a legacy change the face of history as we know it, he thinks with a sigh.
For the first time in his relationship with Olivia he feels like all hope is lost, Vermont will always be just a dream and the love that they share will always be there but for some reason they could never get it right.