++++++ I do not own the Walking Dead or any affiliated characters apart from my OC's ++++++

Ten

Turns out Daryl's head wound was only a flesh wound according to Ebony. The serious concern however was the apparent crossbow bolt wound on his chest. Ebony started sprouting off a bunch of technical medical terms before disappearing to go take care of Daryl.

I offered to take guard duty whilst everyone rushed about organising some kind of big dinner that Lori and Carol were working on. There was no way in hell I was gonna sit through some happy go lucky family dinner whilst the dead roamed freely in the woods. Ebony couldn't have been more thrilled with the idea of everyone coming together and getting to know a little more about each other-girls had a thing for families whereas I wanted to be as far away from them as possible.

The smell of the roast wafted out over the farm as Lori and Carol worked their magic on the meat I had been told was deer. I stared out over the farm through my binoculars, I couldn't see any kind of movement which got harder as the sun went down. It was nights like this that made me feel like I was back overseas with my unit. God it was just my luck that I'd been on two months leave when the world ended.

I liked the feel of the fresh autumn air, it was a mix of summer air with a slight winter chill…winter...I thought…God how are we going to survive winter? Every year for almost five years Jade's had a good dose of the flu that required round the clock antibiotics. I had no reason to suspect that this year would be any different. All the small towns would have been picked clean-I guess that there was no way in hell that I could persuade Rick to come into the city with me and look for the hard stuff.

I must have been there for a couple of hours because the next thing I realised, Rick was climbing up the side of the RV to bring me a plate full of food. "Not really that hungry Rick," I told him.

Rick sat down beside me and held the plate of food out to me. "Just eat the damn food, PJ. Least you could do after Lori and Carol went to all that trouble."

I rolled my eyes and took the plate. "Last thing I wanna do is offend your sour lemon wife. I swear the facial expressions she wears reminds me of Petunia Dursley from Harry Potter."

Rick sighed. "I understand you don't like Lori-"

"Really?" I asked him. "Whatever gives you that idea Rick?" I sat the plate of food on the box beside me, "I just have a thing about women who sleep with other men." The look on Rick's face told me that he already knew. I raised an eyebrow. "You already knew?" I laughed. "Wow-you already knew."

"What do you want me to say?" Rick asked me.

I shook my head. "You don't need to explain things to me. Andrea told me everything-Lori thought you were dead, I get that. But it's not Lori I'm worried about-it's Shane."

Rick sighed. "Andrea knows…? Of course she does…" He frowned. "You have good instincts, PJ. Very good instincts. Shane's worried me ever since he got back from getting those medical supplies. He argues with me at every turn-you know he was questioning me about searching for Sophia only three days after we lost her."

"Did you know that they say there is a fine line between a criminal and a law enforcement officer?" I asked him. Throwing out one of the many random facts I had picked up watching the discovery channel or national geographic. "The only difference between a cop and a criminal is the police force has better dental."

"I love my wife," Rick whispered. "I love my wife…I love my wife," he repeated, like he was trying to tell himself more than he was trying to tell me. "You can't say anything."

"What would I say?" I laughed. "I'm the outsider. I'm thinking of getting a shirt that says so. Isn't there a band called the Outsider?"

"You're new here, PJ," Rick pointed out. "I can see you being a very valued member of this group. You've already pulled your weight more than anyone besides Dale and Daryl."

"Just doing what comes naturally," I shrugged. Yeah and making up for the fact that I deserted when peopled needed me the most. "I've got a lot to make up for. I thought that if I kept Ebony and Jade safe that would make up for it but I don't know anymore."

"Make up for what?" Rick frowned. He folded his hands in his lap, "as long as we're sharing you might as well tell me what you're hiding."

Suck it up sunshine.

"Ok," I sighed. "I was on vacation when everything went down. I was babysitting Jade whilst Ebony was on a date when I got the order that rescinded my holiday privileges and I was told to report to the nearest military base which was Fort Hamilton. So I left Jade with a neighbour and reported for duty just as I was instructed."

Rick was doing a good job at listening.

"We were deployed about three hours after we reported for duty. It was a huge joke between all of us that the dead were rising, I mean really? This shit only happens in horror movies," I laughed. "But we went in but by that time the hospitals were a mess-the dead were feeding on the living and we were shooting civilians on mass…on our unit commanders orders…I shot a woman-at least I'm pretty sure I shot a woman holding her kid and all I could think of was Jade-sometimes it's all I can think about. Ebony pointed out that I whimper in my sleep-that's why. I completely froze after that. So did everyone in the unit." My hands were shaking slightly. "That's when our commanding officer ordered us all to go home-to our families-don't worry about this-we should be with our families."

"So you deserted?" Rick asked.

I nodded. "So I deserted. By the time I got home, a couple of walkers had broken into our apartment and had my girls trapped in my bedroom."

"You did the right thing," Rick assured me. "PJ, you did the right thing. There was nothing bad about what you did. You were protecting your family, just like I'd protect mine." He rubbed my shoulder like he was trying to reassure me that what I had done was the right thing. Even in the darkness of night I could see every line on his face, ever curve, every freckle, every whisker. My hand twitched and I rubbed his face with a smile.

Don't do it PJ, the sensible Philomena Jocelyn Lucas yelled at me. Don't do it.

I leant in and kissed him lightly on the lips.

Rick's whole body seized up for a split second before he grabbed the back of my head to kiss me back.

I think we could have stayed like this-God it was divine-but we jumped apart as we both heard someone calling out for Rick. He stared at me with those cloudy grey-blue eyes and practically jumped down from the RV.

If this were a cartoon I'm sure he would have left a cloud behind.

I rubbed my lips, trying to get the taste of him off my mouth.

What the hell had I just done?