Full Circle

Chapter 6 – Honesty

AN: Hey everyone thanks again for all your comments! It makes me soo happy that you are enjoying/liking this. This was originally split into 2 parts but I decided to put them together - this is the conversation. I hope it is worthy I really believe that on the show they really need to have a conversation and get everything out on the table or else they will just repeating the same cycle. I hope to have the next chapter up by Wednesday I don't really have a schedule for this currently I'm on summer break as I'm a student but I do work but I hope to take advantage of the summer and post regularly.. I do have other olitz stories and ideas I've been writing down but i probably wont post them until this is nearly finished.

He's stroking my hair Olivia thought, she hasn't felt this content in so long, she doesn't know what time it is but the sun is streaming through the window surely Fitz should be in the oval by now. She moves her head to look at him

'Hi' he says

'Hi.. What time is it shouldn't you be in the oval by now and I need to get going before the press gets here'.

Despite that Olivia doesn't really make an attempt to move and Fitz keeps his arms wrapped around her. They stare at each other neither wanting to say anything, Olivia moves her head back over his heart and ever so gently tap his arm and he instantly goes back to stroking her head. A small smile plays across her lips as Fitz goes back to stroking her hair.

Olivia went back to sleep not wanting to move out of Fitz's arms and not wanting to have the conversation they were bound to have. Realising that they both need more time to process their thoughts and delay the inevitable, Fitz keeps stoking her hair and watches her sleep.

Fitz kisses the top of her head and whispers her name 'do you want some breakfast' he asks

Olivia nods her head at him, he places the call but she still stays in his arms savouring the last few moments of him holding her. There is a knock at the door and Olivia very reluctantly moves out of Fitz's arms, he comes back into the room revealing 2 very full plates.

She gives him a look 'I know you haven't been eating so don't argue with me on this one' he says to her.

Olivia smiles at his thoughtfulness he gives her the plate and the smell of the food makes her mouth water and she digs in.

'How come you're not in the Oval?'

'I had charlotte re arrange everything yesterday. We need to talk and I mean really talk and a couple of hours won't do'.

She looks at him for a moment and then nods her head before going back to her plate. After she has finished she heads into the bathroom to freshen up a bit and heads back out after a few minutes when Fitz looks up at her entering back into the room

'You might be able to find some of your clothes left over in the closet. I'll be out in the living room when you're ready'.

Olivia walks into the closet one side completely empty and she looks around and heads to the drawer that she never packed up after that night as it mainly housed miscellaneous clothing items.

She finds a pair of leggings and starts to pick up a top that was left in there when she decides to head to his side and pull out the navy shirt that she loves. She reasons that in order to get through the next few hours his scent will provide the comfort she will desperately need.

Flashes of the royal dinner enter her head, Fitz staring at her in the mirror, hand holding on the way to the elevators, new beginnings, later her in the same shirt which still has some of the makeup on she was wearing that night, the royal highness ringing and the hand holding during the phone call.

It was the first time Olivia felt like they were a proper couple but then it all went downhill from there. Taking a deep breath she walks into the living room where Fitz is waiting for her. He waits for her to sit down, silence occurs they both realise that this will be the final make it or break it for their relationship, every fight, every secret, every kiss has led to this moment, the moment that could kill her for good or finally re build her back up.

'I'll go first'

Olivia nods to him letting him know that it was ok.

'I'm sorry Liv for everything. I never meant to fall completely and utterly in love with you, I was just supposed to become president and that was it but somehow the gods put us together and you changed my life in so many ways and I probably ruined yours. It was wrong of me to move you in here without your permission or even discussing it with you, I just felt like I was losing you bit by bit and we were struggling so I thought if we were together then at least we could see each other at the end of the day but it didn't work out like that.'

' I never meant to make you into the ornamental first lady I don't know why I had you planning those dinners it was thoughtless of me I was just I don't even know I guess I just got swept up in finally having you here and being first lady which I know is not you and has never been you. I know you are so much more than that, you can bring everyone to their knees if you really wanted too.'

'I'm sorry for not protecting you enough during our time together I should have known the cameras were still on, I should have fought harder for us that night, I should have been paying more attention to you to know that you were pregnant, I should have reached out to you in those 6 months. I can see you slipping away and it petrifies me that I don't know what to do to help you. I'm sorry for being such an ass and to disrespect you by sleeping with those women, I hate that you even know about it but calling me big jerry hurt Liv you more than anyone know how he effected me and it hurt to see that you didn't even care that I was sleeping around and seemed you were more concerned about the presidency.'

' I don't know when you and Jake started after you left here and I'm not too sure I want the details but it kills me every time I see you with him but it doesn't seem to be the same for you. You always seems to go to go him Liv, he's the one you run to when things get tough, when you feel like you have no way out you go to him. You left with him Liv when I need you the most you were away with him, with no goodbye, no note, when my son was buried I wanted to turn to you but you were with him, when I was crying for you, you were with him. It hurt Liv it really did. You always want to save him and that's not necessarily a bad thing but I don't know what he means to you and what I mean to you when it comes to him. If I asked you to pick between us and he was stood in front of us I'm not sure you would pick me. He has this hold over you and I'm sorry for the part I played in bringing him into your life, believe me I wish I never did.'

'I should have done the press conference about west Angola, I should have done it so that you wouldn't have had to see him again and maybe I would have saved you the pain. I know how scared and frightened you must have been to do that and I want you to know I don't think any less of you, I see how hard you have fought and how hard you are fighting to stay above the darkness but I know I can lose you at any moment.'

'I'm sorry for not divorcing Mellie sooner, I'm sorry that I never fought you guys harder on all your plans cause maybe we wouldn't be here and maybe we would have been together sooner and in the right way, I'm sorry for making you be the other women when you are the only women, I'm sorry about the whole Amanda tanner incident I should have never have lied to you and I really shouldn't have slept with her, called her sweet baby and I never should placed some of the blame on you for that.'

'I'm sorry for never truly letting you go and making sure that I was somehow still around in your life. It hurts that you have taken my ring off but I get it. I'm sorry for the whole proposal and wedding even though it wasn't the right time I know we could have made it work because it's me and you. I know the proposal was not what you wanted and I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry about forcing the wedding on you but you couldn't even tell me yourself I understood it wasn't us but you could have told me that.'

'Your father is always going to be a problem for us Liv and truthfully I don't know how to get around that one, I understand he made the impeachment hearing go away but if you would have talked to me about the plan or at least something it would have hurt a hell of a lot less and maybe we could have found a way without him and we could have saved ourselves all the pain.'

'I feel like I didn't listen to you enough particularly when I moved you in here, I wasn't watching you enough to see how unhappy I was making you. I don't know how I ended up ignoring you, I don't know how we lost our way, I always thought when we would get our real shot we would get it perfect.'

' I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't tell me about the pregnancy or the abortion but I'm even sorrier that you felt like you had to do it alone, I would have supported you no matter what Liv I need you to know that. I need you to know that I would have never have made you keep it if that's what you really didn't want, I would have never forced you through it, yes I want a family with you but not at the expense of your health and sanity. I know I have spoken about being married to you and having babies with you and it was wrong of me to assume you wanted those things. '

Tears are streaming down Olivia's face and she looks up to see that his eyes are glassy as well. She knows it's her turn talk but she just needs a minute to get her thoughts in gear.

After a minute she finally feels ready to speak

'You know I think you're the only man that apologises for things that aren't their fault and you're the only man that has only truly loved me and puts me first and yet I don't do the same for you. I'm sorry that I never truly talk to you it's hard to listen if I'm not talking you, I bury my feelings when it comes to you so it hurts less when I screw it up, I need to remember that you're not a mind reader and you won't truly know what it is going on with me if I don't tell you'.

'Don't ever apologise for falling in love with me and changing my life, even during our dark times the one thing that has got me through is your love for me and I'm sorry I always take it for granted, that I just assume you will always be there for me, that you will always choose me and drop everything for me.'

'I'm sorry for defiance sometimes I wonder if I never went down that road where would we be, would you have still been president or would our life have started so much sooner. I'm sorry for walking away from you every single time, when it finally seems that we can be together I always bolt in the other direction, I'm sorry for screwing it up and turning my back on you and on us.'

' I am truly sorry for not being there after jerry died and we need to talk about that Fitz we never do its always swept under the rug, I need to know about that time and what went on with you but I need you to know that it's one of the many things I regret, I know it's when you needed me the most and I wasn't there for you, I honestly thought that with me out of the picture you could be happy, I would stop ruining your life, everything was connected to me so the logical thing was for me to leave and it was wrong to leave with Jake but he asked me to save him so I did or I tried to. I don't know why I always want to save him I think it has to do with him being controlled by my father. It was easy to forget about all the pain I was causing you on the island, I could pretend and in that moment I needed that I needed to pretend and I didn't care about how it was affecting you.'

'I'm sorry that Jake is the one I turn to who I appear to choose over you I know now how my actions look to you but I want you to know that I don't love him, I never have and I never will. I never should have slept with him all those years ago but I did. I'm sorry for sleeping with him after us he was just there and I already felt awful about myself and I just wanted to feel something else but it only made me hate myself even more, he clouded my judgement and I only saw it when it was too late.'

' I can't wear your ring because I don't deserve to, I killed us and I don't deserve it. After the kidnapping I never really dealt with it, I was so focused on putting my father away and that was the only goal but then I came to you, then our relationship was leaked and I never truly dealt with how I felt, then when you moved me in and I started to lose control, I felt like I did back then trapped and imprisoned and I know that wasn't your intention but that's what it felt like at the time.'

'The impeachment came about and it seemed like we were losing, then the proposal and the wedding and everything was suffocating me and getting on top of me. Then I found out I was pregnant and I needed to take back to control and that was the one thing I could and I know it was incredibly selfish of me to do that but I needed to do it to feel like I was in control of something and it was the wrong choice to not let you in to not get your decision on your future. I meant everything I said last night I do regret what I've done and I know that's no excuse or me trying to make you feel better but I just need you to know that.'

'Everything I said that night we broke up I didn't mean it, I just felt like I wasn't me anymore and I was taking it out on the one person who is always there for me. I had just come back from the the the ..'

She trailed off finding it hard to say the words and her feelings behind that night

'it's ok Liv take your time' Fitz whispered giving her hand a squeeze

'The abortion and I was mess, I was all over the place, I just wanted to leave as quick as I could but as soon as I got back to The White House you were there waiting for me and I just lost it and all my emotions went into everything I said to you. I wanted to hurt you because I was hurting. That night when I said at least my father loved me I was wrong and it took me all this time to realise it, he doesn't love me he just likes the control he has on me. I'm his puppet and I realise the mistake I made in releasing him. I don't know how we are going to move on with him around. I ruined the chance to get him behind bars again. Fitz I am scared of him that's why whenever I would feel like he is picking me I would go to him because when he is against me I don't know what he would do to me.'

'I'm sorry that I didn't marry you but in truth it was probably for the best because I don't want to ever divorce you and that is what would have happened. I'm sorry for not being big enough to tell you and letting Abby do it and I'm sorry for not telling you about my f.. About Rowan and the plan, I just knew it would be too much to ask to let your son's killer out of prison and then by the time I knew it was wrong Mellie was ringing me and it was too late to go back and I was afraid to tell you and how you would react.'

'I'm sorry that I always box you in a corner that you're always the last to know I don't even know why I do it to you. I forgave you a long time about Amanda Tanner, at the time it was hard to know that you slept with someone else when you always told me that I was the only one but truthfully I had no right to be upset or hurt because we weren't together.'

'You're wrong about me not caring or about me not being jealous. When Abby told me about Lillian that was one thing but to know that you slept with those women and to hear about from Mellie made me sick but I didn't have any right to get upset because I gave you up and I was sleeping with Jake and you're single you can do whatever you want. The big jerry comment was below the belt but I remember all the things you told me about him and I know teddy didn't see or hear anything but I was just trying to protect you and I know what buttons to push to get you to listen and take action.'

'Truthfully I'm jealous of Abby that's why I've been so hard, when we all met in the kitchen to discuss him and the story with Lillian she's the one you turned to, the one you listened to and trust and I know I've lost that but I used to be that person for you and I know it was stupid to blame Abby for it but I watched you cut me off in favour of turning to her and it hit me that I lost everything about you, then after she came to me telling me about your plan I wasn't thinking about you or that you could go to jail or something else I was thinking about me and it was going to be over but after Abby went to him with the new offer I was so mad at her because she threw me under the bus, she had you and he was saying all these things about putting me back up on the auction block and I started going back there Fitz and I wanted it to stop and it couldn't and before I knew it I had hit him but I didn't stop. I just kept going until I felt nothing. I thought after you saw what I had done you would look at me differently but you didn't, after everything I had done to you, you were only concerned with me.'

' I don't feel like myself anymore, I don't know who I am, I lost everything when I walked away from you and it's took me this long to figure it out.'

She pauses for moment to catch her breath and wipe her face; she needed to make sure that he understands this next part clearly. Olivia moves closer to him on the couch and grabs his hands in hers and he turns towards her, his tear stained face matching hers.

'I need you to know Fitz that I love you, I'm in love with you, I can't stop it and I don't want to, I thank god everyday that you have never truly let me go because without you I don't know where I would be. I choose you Fitz. I know you might not believe me but I hope in time that you will. I am going to prove it to you Fitz, you're the only person that knows me completely, you know what I need before even I do, even after all the times I've ran from you, from us you're always looking out for me even when I haven't deserved it.'

'I don't need to stand in the sun with you because you are my sun, you're my everything. You're the light that is always bringing me back to you, I used to be so afraid of how I feel about you because it consumes me and overpowers me and I can't control it. It's part of the reason I always left but I can't do it anymore I want to embrace it, I need to, I can't keep losing you Fitz, I can't breathe without you, my world keeps spinning but it feels wrong and off balance when I'm not with you. You make me complete. I understand if everything is too much for you and I will wait for as long as you need or if you decide that this is the end I will understand and respect that but I love you Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III I am so hopelessly in love with you and no one else will have my heart the way you do.'

As they stare at each other's wet faces and bloodshot eye they both realise they had finally had an honest conversation and both apologised for everything they had gone wrong with each other. A weight has been lifted and for the first time since that fateful night there was a light at the end of the tunnel for them.