Full circle

Chapter 7 – Honesty part 2

AN: Hey everyone hope you are all doing well. One of my biggest peeves about this show is how most of the hard stuff gets swept under the rug and is just used for ratings when they need it. I really feel like the writers really missed something with Olivia's mental health season well since the kidnapping actually but its only used to justify her behavior in my opinion and is never truly explored. The same was for Fitz's suicide it was just alluded to by Tom and then it was used as a joke by mellie.. This chapter is more on Fitz discussing that time with Olivia and the next couple of chapters we see Olivia addressing her mental health.

The words Fitz heard from her the words were she finally told him how she really felt about him sent his entire body soaring. The day she left his world halted truth be told he didn't think they would ever make it again, there's only so much hope one person can have before eventually they stop believing themselves.

Fitz finds himself crying really crying when the person you love more than anything tells you she feels the same way after all the hurt they have done to each other could make even the most cynical people start to believe in love. His heart is starting to fill with hope again. Can they really give each other one another again? Fitz wants to trust her he really does but can he really put his heart on the line again just for her to walk away again?

But then he thinks they had done it. They had an honest conversation about everything. They had apologised for everything. It felt good. It felt great even and somehow they both were still there wanting to be with the other person. However he knows that Liv wants to talk about the time after Jerry died but he is scared about what it could potentially do, can she handle it right now?

He pulls his hands to her face and wipes the tears away

'Liv I know you want to know about that time but can you handle it right now'? He asks her.

She nods at him 'I think it best we get everything out today and then we can know if we can go forward'.

Fitz takes a deep breath, Olivia knows he is nervous so she grabs his hands again and gives them a squeeze and brings them to her lips giving them a kiss

'I was in such a dark place I was drinking a lot Liv to the point where I was passing out daily in the oval. The day that you left everyone was trying to get in touch with you, I just wanted you, I needed you to hold me to comfort me, I was on the seal in the oval on my knees calling out for you'.

He felt her trying to pull her hands away from him but he grabbed onto them tighter

'Are you sure you want me to carry on, it's ok if you don't'.

She didn't say anything she just squeezed his hands again urging him to continue.

'After a while I calmed down enough to get up to the residence but that's when I started drinking. I sent agents looking for you but you didn't want to be found. The first month was a blur I pretty much would just make my way down to the Oval but I hardly did any work , just enough so no one would get suspicious. I would drink all day and by the time I could get to the residence I would pass out. One night I went to your apartment to really see it for myself that you had gone and it was then in darkness I knew it was really true.'

'That's when it all started, I started hearing your voice, then came Mellie's and Cyrus's, most of the stuff was negative then I went into your bedroom and our relationship was on a loop in my head, I missed you so much and I was so hurt that you left me alone, I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to. I started crying, I was trying to drown out the voices and I just wanted you to appear. I don't know how long I stayed there on the floor but Tom was coming in and picking me up. On the way back I just wanted it all to stop, it was all becoming too much everything that I did to you, to Mellie, everything became too much so I started drinking I was mixing everything I could get my hands on then I saw the sleeping pills on the side and it was like something just snapped in me, I didn't really think about I just poured them out and took them. I carried on drinking until it started going blurry.'

'Next thing I remember was coming round in the bathroom a doctor sticking his finger down my throat, then it went black again. Abby and Cyrus came up with a plan to release to the press that I was dehydrated but in reality I was getting my stomach pumped and I was under surveillance. After that I tried to forget about everything, I was supposed to talk to someone but I said I would be fine I knew that it was just a one off, that at that moment in time everything was just too much for me , I've never thought about doing something like that again and after a while it got easier with Jerry and with you, it still hurt the same but it got easier'.

After he had finished Olivia moved out of his grasp and walked over to the window, tears were streaming down her face. This was something they have never talked about, she tried once but after that they never bought it up again.

'I'm so sorry Fitz, how could I be so selfish you needed me more than ever, I don't know what I would have done if you had..'

Olivia had to stop talking she couldn't bear the thought if he had actually succeeded. She starts shacking and Fitz quickly makes his way over to her and wraps his arms around her.

'Hey Liv look at me, it's ok , it was hard time for both us ok you did what you thought was best, I don't blame you I never did. I need you to believe that.'

He turns her around so that she is facing him and wraps his arms around her again, she releases all her emotions and she can feel him crying too. Everything that they have held on to, all the pain and hurt is being released and the realisation that they have another chance to be one again, to be them again, to be free with each other washes over them.

After some time they pull away and stare at each other

'We're a mess' Olivia says and they both share a chuckle.

'Do you want to watch a movie' he asks

'Sure what you got'

He gets up and walks to where the TV is and looks in the cabinet below

'Not a lot unless you want to watch a Disney movie'

She laughs 'considering the day past couple of days we have had I think a Disney movie is much needed'

'Ok which one no wait let me guess'

'Tarzan' they both say at the same time

'Come on the actor sounds like you' she says and he smiles at her and puts it on.

At first they have a little space in between them but as the movie progress she moves further and further over to his side until he is on his back and she is lying on top of him, his arm running up and down her back.

The movie had come to an end but neither made any effort to move both wanting to savour this moment knowing that things could change rather quickly and as that thought popped into her head Abby came running into the room, Liv moved off Fitz rather quickly and he sat up, she made an attempt to move but Fitz grabbed hold of her hand.

Liv noticed that Abby didn't seem shocked to see her there, it made sense that Fitz would tell her she was here. He trusted her and hopefully one day the same level of trust he used to have in her would return.

'Sir, Liv you need to turn on the TV, I don't know how they found out but it's everywhere'.

Dread filled Olivia's stomach, Jake had done it, she wanted to be sick but she managed to swallow the bile rising in her throat as Abby switched the channel and there it was leading the headlines

'A Presidential abortion'

They were leading with the abortion but there was more they had details about that night they broke up and how she was with an 'involved' man it stated and then images popped up of Olivia and Jake conveniently they blurred his face out. They would focus on 2 things the abortion and the fact that she was one again with someone who was involved. She started sweating and shaking when she felt Fitz pull her closer to him, she put her head onto his shoulder and he gave her a reassuring kiss on the forehead.

'Abby head down to the oval and call the rest of OPA and get them here, I need you to set up a press conference immediately, I also want to know if this was Jake or someone else, I'll be down as soon as I can'.

Abby nodded at Fitz and left. Olivia wanted to run, she so desperately wanted to leave but she didn't want to leave Fitz, she wanted to escape the life that she created for herself after she left him.

'This is my entire fault' she whispered over and over again.

She was rocking back and forth at this point, her mind was racing, she had no idea how to fix this, everything was a mess then she felt Fitz embrace her like he had so many times over the past few days. She crumbled into his embrace, this man that was consoling her and standing by her had to go out and deal with the fact that his mistress aborted his baby and all the things the press were spewing out about her but the only thing that she felt from him was love.

'I promise you Livvy everything is going to be ok, I will make it ok, he won't get away with this'.

He pulled away from her and rested his forehead on hers, after a few minutes she found the courage to look into his eyes all the love and promises he made her were staring at her he was going to go out there and save her like he always does.

'I'll be down in the oval and then I'll be doing the press conference if you want to stay here you can until it dies down.'

He kissed her forehead and went to get changed, Liv moved back to the window in the residence and looked outside, she heard Fitz leave, he would do anything she asks but she had no idea how he was going to save her from this one.

Olivia goes back to laying on the couch and closes her eyes the past year playing on a loop in her head, where did it all go wrong , how did they go so far to throw it away. Fitz's scent surrounds and soothes her, it gives her the courage to find the answer she needs, the truth, the first step in showing Fitz she chooses him, she will whether this storm with him. She gets up and makes her way down to the oval, the stares are glaring and the whispers are loud and it affects her more than what she wants to admit. She makes it to the oval and sees Abby and her team there, the TV is on and I see Fitz trying to keep calm under all the questions.

'Mr President how do you feel about Ms Pope's abortion?'

'Firstly I want to say that Olivia Pope's privacy has been invaded and the fact that you are using this as a story is appalling, if the allegation is true then there needs to be a serious look into the privacy of patients who choose to undergo such procedure. Women have the right to be able to choose abortion and know that their privacy is protected, think of how many women will question their privacy now. Some might be in dangerous situations and this is their only hope of protection. Every woman makes the choice that is best for them. Now whether they tell the baby's father is up to them but they should be comfortable in the knowledge that they are protected and safe if they choose this route. Clearly this is not the case and I will be personally looking into this. Everyone should feel safe and secure to get medical procedures done. I will not rest until the culprit of this leak is found.

'Mr President are you saying that you support women who have abortions as a republican who are generally pro life?

'I support women whatever they choose to do.'

'Did you know about Ms Pope's pregnancy?

'What I did or did not know is not of the concern of the press. This is a private matter.'

'There are rumours saying that you did not know and Ms Pope aborted your baby without your knowledge?'

'I will not comment on rumours'

'How do you feel about the images of Ms Pope shortly after she left the white house and ended your relationship?'

'What Olivia chose to do after she left was up to her. As you state we were not in a relationship.'

'What about her sleeping with someone who at the time was engaged and according to sources is now married?'

'Well I would say shame on that person for not revealing themselves if it is in fact true and making Olivia be the only one that is shamed. It takes 2 people and he seemed to be a very willing participant in their relationship'.

Olivia could see how Fitz was struggling to keep his cool and keep calm and not make this worse for her but in this moment watching Fitz trying to do his best to protect her she knew what she had to do. The press were only just starting and as more questions get thrown at Fitz she can see the turmoil in his eyes.

'Olivia where are you going?'

She didn't answer she just carried on walking to the press room, she didn't care that she was still in leggings and Fitz's NAVY shirt, no makeup and probably looking like anyone other than Olivia Pope but she didn't care she knew what she had to do.

Olivia entered the room just as they were about to ask another question

'Ms Pope' is all she heard.

'Liv what are you doing' he whispered in her ear as she reached the podium.

She didn't say anything in response to him instead she took a deep breath and looked into Fitz's eyes hoping that she could convey to him that it was ok

'This will be my only statement on the matter. On December 18th I underwent an abortion at a nearby clinic and no President Grant had no prior knowledge of this or the pregnancy I chose to keep that to myself for right or wrong.'

'I admire any woman that chooses to undergo this it takes strength, courage and bravery to undergo such procedure. However unlike many I was in a happy relationship however at the time of this I was in a very bad place which contributed to my decision.'

'I want to make it very clear that Fitzgerald Grant is an amazing father and he is also the man that I am truly in love with. I have made many mistakes in my life but the ones I regret the most are walking away from him. I regret that night but I can only move forward hopefully with Fitz by my side.'

' Regarding the images with me and the man I want to be clear that at the beginning I was in the dark about him being in a relationship but I did carry it on after I found out he was engaged. We have a very complicated history but it was wrong of me to carry on the relationship which was purely of a sexual nature nothing more. The only thing I will say about him is that he is the biggest mistake of my life.'

At this point Olivia was gripping the sides of the podium trying to keep her emotions in check. Jake had violated her privacy and made her seem like she was always a home wrecker after married or involved men. It was one thing for Fitz to know but the whole world knows what she had done and it would make it that much harder for the public to accept her again if Fitz decided to give them another go.

Fitz's hand covered hers, she tried to hold the tears back but as soon as he touched her they started, she was vaguely aware of all the flashes going off as she tried to move but her body felt so heavy, she was clutching at Fitz who knew he needed to get her other of there and that's when he scooped her up into his arms and she buried her face into his chest just wanting it all to be over.