Full Circle
Chapter 12 – First steps
AN: Hey everyone sorry I didnt get this up earlier in the week like I planned too nut other things just got in the way. Im thinking of doing a time jump to keep the story moving it probably wont be the next chapter but the one after that so chapter 14. There is no Fitz in this chapter this one focuses on Olivia. Scenes taken from Scandal are from 2x03 and 4x17 and are in italics no copyright intended.
'Olivia this doesn't work unless you talk'
She wanted to talk but it seemed every time she tried to open her mouth nothing would come out. Her mind was full of sentences and questions but when it came to actually saying them out loud she went blank.
So she continued to stare out of the window in Tracey's office. It was a nice sunny day and instead of enjoying it she was stuck, she wanted to get better but it seemed like her mind and her mouth had other ideas.
'Ok how about we take a break, come back when you are ready, go walk around it might help and if you feel ready we can continue the session but I want you to bring something with you, something that means something to you, it might help if you have things that you are familiar with and could bring comfort to you.'
Olivia barely acknowledges Tracey before she was out the door and heading for the outdoors. She didn't know where she was going she just kept walking until she found herself by a very large oak tree; it provided great shade from the Chicago sun and gave her a great overview of the whole place and the different type of people that were in treatment.
'I am not yours; I don't show up places because you want me. I am not yours. This is over'
She didn't know how long she had been sitting under the tree before that particular memory stirred up inside, how many times has she said that to him over the years she thinks to herself and lets out a small chuckle placing her hands in the grass starring at the space where her ring used to reside.
'Don't you love Vermont?'
'Where's the rest of your suit?'
'Would you believe Senator Martinez spilled a Cape Codder on it? They're bringing me a new one. I never saw Cyrus as much of a rose-petal guy'.
'On his wedding day, he's a rose-petal guy. No. Open the door'.
'I just want to know what I did wrong, why you left'.
'This is Cyrus' day. Don't do this'.
'Why you resigned'
'I wouldn't have come if I thought you were going'
'Even if you didn't want to be with me, I don't understand why you would leave the White House'.
'You are the White House! I don't want to be there. I can't be there and see you every day'.
'Well I asked. It's a ring very old, rare, one of a kind. It even has a name Doux Bebe. It was my great-grandmother's. Her father bought it for her at auction in Paris. She wore it at her debutante ball. And I was supposed to give it to my wife, but I didn't. It just Never felt right. So I kept it.
And now I know why because I was supposed to give it to you'.
'I don't want a ring from you'.
'Don't think of it as a 't think of it as You don't have to love me. You don't have to come back to me. But if you could wear this, if I could know that you were wearing this, then even if you hate me, I'll know we'll be okay. I'll know you're out there'.
'Doux Bebe? That's its name?'
'You can call it whatever you want. In English, Doux Bebe means "Sweet Baby," so'
'You want me to call a ring "Sweet Baby"?'
'I just want you to be happy'
'I could never hate you'.
Olivia was so caught up in her memories she didn't notice Tracey sitting next to her.
'This is my family Michael and I have been married for 7 years now. That's Lilly she's 6 and that little monster is Owen he just turned 3 last week and that's Rex we got him for Lilly's birthday after she begged us for an entire year. This one here is our newest addition due next year we almost gave up we had been trying since Owen turned 2, I didn't want to be upset or disappointed I already had 2 wonderful miracles but I still felt like a failure and that it was my fault for wanting more.'
'Why are telling me this' Olivia stared at her then back at the pictures Tracey had given her.
'Because of this' Tracey then produced a 3rd picture
'This was my 1st husband Ryan we met in college and I thought he was everything I wanted and more, we got married after we graduated but a couple of years later I met Michael at a conference . At first I didn't think anything of it but the next day we went out for a meal with our colleagues and that's when everything changed. We spent the whole night talking about everything and nothing, he knew I was married but we didn't stop the rest of the conference we spent every night together and eventually on the last night we slept together but it didn't feel wrong or dirty it felt right.'
'It took me 3 years to work up the courage to tell my husband, I know what it's like to make promises to the person you love and not keep them and vice versa, it hurt every time he would show up at an event with a date on his arm but I couldn't say anything because I was the married women. In the end I realised that I couldn't keep going on and stringing 2 people along I made my choice and it was the right one. Sometimes the universe doesn't care if 2 people are already in a relationship when love is concerned it will always bring people who are meant to be together.'
'If you think I am going to judge you or look at you differently for your relationships I won't, I can't and maybe I am the one person who can help because we have a lot more in common then you think. Trust me those 4 people are the reason I wake up with a smile on my face; I look forward to going home to the screams of my children and the chaos of the house. You can still have whoever and whatever you want Olivia you just need to believe that you deserve it.'
She gave Olivia's hand a gentle squeeze and left her alone. Olivia was starring at the photos Tracey left behind; she had a beautiful family it made her ache for her own. Is that still possible? Does Fitz still want one with her? The ultrasound makes her feel the pain of the loss she caused she would have been 7 months pregnant now, Fitz would be giving her back and foot rubs and making sure that every weird craving was taken care of. She sighs to herself knowing that she can't undo the past she can only move forward to the future.
Olivia makes her way to her room to grab a few items like Tracey suggested and makes her way back to Tracey's room. She pauses for a moment and looks down at her items giving her the courage to knock on the door. Tracey welcomes her with a big smile knowing that this is a big step for Olivia.
'I have your photos here you have a beautiful family 'Olivia says as she hands them back to Tracey
'I see you brought a few things with you' Olivia nods at her. First she puts on Fitz's navy shirt then places 2 pictures on the table.
'I'm ready'
Wanting to ease Olivia into it and also get to know her better Tracey asks her to explain the items she has. She could still see the hesitancy in Olivia's eyes.
'Remember everything you say to me is in the strictest confidence. I am not here to judge Olivia I am here to help'.
'Ok well this is Fitz's navy shirt he gave it to Abby to give to me. His smell provides me with comfort even when he is not with me, I feel protected and safe even after everything he is the only one I feel myself with. No one knows me quite like he does.'
'That picture is probably the first one we took as a couple. It wasn't long after we had started, Mellie was obviously not on the campaign with us then – whenever she wasn't with us I would sneak into his room and spend the night before sneaking out again and some ungodly hour so Cyrus wouldn't suspect anything. On the back he wrote
'Hope'
'Vermont'
'Jam'
Us'
'Olitz'
'The 3rd is a reminder of how far I've fallen. Fitz hasn't even seen it part of me is afraid of how he will react when/if I gave it to him. It would make it even more real a reminder of what we had and what we lost.'
'Why have you kept it?' For a moment Tracey thinks she has pushed Olivia to far but is surprised when she responds
'In the beginning I reasoned that it was just something I forgot about but as the months went on it was a reminder of Fitz and the love we created. If Fitz never spoke to me again I would always have this' she picks up the 3rd picture her ultrasound picture.
'Even though I wanted to forget about it and pretend it never happened I would always come back to looking at this. Even though I chose an abortion it was still part of me and part of Fitz. It made me feel a little bit closer to him when we were barely speaking; when I just wanted to go to him I would see this and know why I can't have him.'
'Do you still feel that way?'
'Not so much I can't have him more like why would he want me after everything I put him through especially with the abortion but he continues to surprise me.'
'What do you see when you look at the picture now?'
'The future. It gives me hope that maybe one day I could have child of my own or that Fitz and I will work out and we'll be happy. Happy that's what I want. I've spent so long pretending I don't even know how to stop and just be'.
Olivia places the ultrasound back on the table with the other picture and smiles at Tracey; she has started to open up and has even revealed her ultrasound photo to her something she thought she would never reveal to anyone.
'If you are comfortable I would like to talk about your relationship with The I mean Fitz sorry, he's a huge part of your life and one of your main reasons for coming and getting help'.
For the next hour Olivia begins to fill Tracey in on her relationship with Fitz whilst Tracey scribbles important details in her notebook. She tried to stay as professional as possible whilst Olivia was talking but she couldn't help the small smile form on her face whenever she would hear Olivia talk about the obstacles they have faced to get where they are today.
Even without much input from Tracey talking about her relationship with Fitz helped her open her eyes to how she has treated him, she has always known that Fitz would move mountains for her and has often used that to manipulate him to do things she needed, how she somehow left the team along the way and joined forces with Mellie way before she wanted to be president, how she let other people manipulate her view of him. It was always easier to run from him rather than talk to him how she was feeling. It was easier to hurt him than be hurt by him.
'We've made some good progress here Olivia.' Tracey walks to her desk and opens a draw and retrieves a diary and gives it to Olivia
'This is not for everyone so if you come back to me after a few days and find that it doesn't work for you that's ok it doesn't work for everyone. I want you to keep a diary of sorts, you can write about whatever you like whether it be something you want to talk about in session or how your day has gone you could even write letters to people that doesn't mean you have to send it to them its purely just getting your thoughts and feeling out there. Some people find it a lot easier to write than talk and others find they can make their session much more productive as they have sorted through what they need to talk about. This can just be for you if you don't want anyone to read it'.
'You've done really well today Olivia.' Tracey says as they walk to the door.
Olivia feels so much better after her first session, this morning she felt helpless and now she is slowly seeing how talking can help. One step at a time she thinks to herself and she starts writing down all the significant moments in her relationship with Fitz hoping that she can learn the error of her/their ways.
Olivia looks at the time and sees that she has been writing for over 4 hours, she settles into bed and brings the ultrasound picture out from its hiding place. She needs to face this battle head on and decides to place it next to the photo of her and Fitz. She stares at the 2 pictures for a few minutes before calling it night and falling asleep.