A small sum of weeks had reached their end to the chorus of mild (but definite) successes. With the greater portion of the hundred L.I.G.H.T. members working fortunately as allies, Killua was able to focus his attention more seriously on the mission. Of course, he kept his wits about him; there was never any certainty as far as the motivation behind L.I.G.H.T.'s "loyalties", and the fact that Illumi could show up in any moment's time was enough to cause some reasonable distraction.
However, it was not until the conclusion of these few weeks that he bothered to notice that as large as their team had grown, Misaki was not present once during this span of time. Naturally he was not particularly keen on recruiting her specifically onto the quarters he and Gon were covering, though there were plenty of separate sub-divisions working now.
It was a Tuesday when finally he gave into the urge to confront Misaki for her absence.
With a single, swift motion he threw open the door to the warehouse only to find, not Misaki, but a shakily written note in crimson with lightly tarnished brown edges on the wall next to the spot in which he had left her. Droplets of blood decorated the floor in a confused, wavering pattern.
Following Killua's departure for LI.G.H.T.'s headquarters, Misaki found herself perhaps too preoccupied to fixate the better portion of her mental state on healing. A strange emotion had begun to overwhelm her senses, though she was unfamiliar with it.
'No… I've felt this before… but not this strongly…'
There was weight to her chest that, upon inspection, she determined was not actually physically present. A strange darkness was seeping into her thoughts that she could ultimately not dispel.
Initially the thoughts came slowly, in fragments, and seemingly on something of a rare occasion:
'Gon is important to Killua… He's the most important…'
As simple as the acknowledgement was, there was a sort of preoccupied loathing to the sentiment that legitimately surprised her. Her amber eyes would turn low before rising to peer through a fist-sized hole in the ceiling to watch the birds pass miles above.
The thoughts evolved without her consent, as did the spiral of passionate hatred behind them.
'Gon is the most important to Killua… I'm just filler…'
The birds were too high to hear from so low to the ground. Her mind provided its own haunting music, which grew rapidly in its persistence with each passing day that the girl refused to eat; instead wishing to meditate on these perplexing ideas.
'I'm always… second... I despise…'
"What is this?" Misaki murmured aloud to herself as the pressure increased behind her eyes.
"I know what it is," a young girl's voice tolled out from her right.
The birds were blurring above, and the room was losing its corners and defined shapes to blobs of hazy color.
The young girl, which perhaps was the only clear outline in the room, approached. Her plum hair hung in loose strands as she studied Misaki through amber eyes, and her hiking boots made no sound against the floor as she walked. Yet somehow, in this state, the woman was apt to accept such an event as rational.
"Tell me; what is this?" she whispered through dry, cracked lips.
"You're just jealous, Misaki," the child explained as though it were she who was speaking to a small child.
"Jealous?"
"It's like the way you feel when you see a happy child with their mommy and daddy."
"Jealous…"
"You like Killua enough that you don't want to be second best to someone else."
"No…"
"It's stronger than being jealous for mom and dad."
"No, that can't be… I was so careful…"
The child squeezed her hand lightly, frowning for a moment.
"You'll kill Gon."
"I won't…"
"You want to kill him."
"I don't…"
In truth, she did.
"You want the satisfaction of knowing that he can't be the most important if he's gone…"
"That's not true…"
"You want to be the one to kill him, to steal his last moments for yourself."
"I…"
"Why are you resisting? It's your nature now to kill. You're the one that made it that way."
"I'm not…"
"There's only one way to make sure you don't do it. You know what that is, don't you?"
The room was becoming less distinct with each passing second. Only the girl remained intact with frightening clarity.
Misaki allowed her eyelids to shelter her dried, tired eyes as a black, mechanical sounding blur passed overhead. Even with her adamant decision not to grow close to anyone… somehow she had managed to defy herself. She felt hopeless and tainted, trapped within the realms of her own fleeing sanity. Something within her held the understanding that the tears she was too numb to spill were really the result of her denied craving to destroy Gon and claim his place as opposed to the fact that she felt the desire to kill him at all.
'How can this be?'
"Remember what you decided?" the child asked soothingly. "You said, 'When you're living in the underworld-…'"
"…You can't afford to love."
When Misaki opened her eyes next, the girl was gone. Without a second thought, she sunk her grown out and jagged fingernails into the crook of her elbow and tore a small patch of flesh open. With an unsteady hand, she dipped her index finger into the warm, pulsing liquid and touched it to the wall beside her; attempting with only minimal success to draw out and connect the lines of her words.
"No longer do you need to divide your attention.
No longer shall mine be exclusive.
The future knows the true answer.
I do not."
-Misaki
A/N: I'm sorry it's so short and odd. I'm also sorry it has taken me so long to update.