Full Circle
Chapter 14 – Back home
AN: Hey everyone. There is a time jump but I will be including some flashbacks throughout the chapters to see what happened. There is a flashback in this chapter and similar to chapter 4 I have included Olivia's dream this indicated by the break in the page. I have gone off the scandal timeline as 5b took place in June so lets say my chapter took place in July we are now in December and as a mentioned almost close to a year since the events of 509. The next chapter (S) will be olitz in Camp David what should they get up to? Any suggestions let me know. I do plan on them reuniting only in the way olitz can but I dont want it to seem too soon and rushed let me know your thoughts on that? Should they wait? I hope to have the next chapter up on Sunday! :)
5 months later
Olivia looks around the room she spent the past 5 months in, a feeling of accomplishment set in she honestly thought that in the end she would still come out the same Olivia Pope but she was wrong. She has come out as a healthier and happier and also less afraid of everything.
For the first time in her life she admitted she needed help, she couldn't do it alone, being the formidable Olivia Pope was beginning to take her places she didn't want to go down, the weight of who she used to be – wearing the white hat whilst constantly flirting with the line of no return was becoming too much and she was very slowly heading down that road.
For the first time her life she feels free, free to be able to do what she wants with no fear. She feel worthy, she just hopes he is still waiting for her.
The first few months after she left she treated him horribly, refusing to take his calls and refused him access not like he could really come to her but she knew he would when she was ignoring him. It was only after Abby came and dropped off a letter from Fitz that she realised that the guilt she was feeling and all the pain that she was going through was her taking it out on the wrong person, she was focusing on the unimportant things when she should have been focusing on the bigger picture – letting go and finally being happy.
After the flight from Chicago the drive to her apartment was coming to an end as she watched the DC skyline blurs past her, the anxiety she thought she would be feeling is not present instead she feels like she can take on the world.
She smile as they pull into her building, it feels good to be home she thought although she is not really home her home is with him.
Thanking Brian the agent Fitz has assigned to her as he helps her bring the luggage in. She takes a deep breath and looks around to see that either Fitz or Abby has made sure that everything stays clean. She walks over to the fridge and see that's it's been fully stocked for the first time in its existence.
Olivia walks over to her bedroom and for the first time since she left the White House almost a year ago she misses it, she misses going home to Fitz and knowing that he is near.
Letting out a small sight she sees Fitz's navy shirt on the bed she picks it up and inhale his scent, the one she had taken with her smells more like her now so she must return it so Fitz can wear it and give it back. She smiles at his thoughtfulness he knows how much she would want him near when she returned.
She quickly gets changed into his shirt and sees her phone on the nightstand. Powering it up after leaving it for months she wonders what will greet her, all of sudden its starts bleeping with messages one after another. After waiting 10 minutes it seems to have stopped so she starts looking through the messages, she sees the majority are from Fitz which at first thought is strange because he knew where she was.
Just before she clicks on his name she sees she has a message from Jake, a feeling she hasn't felt in so long starts creeping in, she can feel her heartbeat start to quicken and she can feel the anxiety and panic rise within her but she quickly remembers what Tracey told her
'Breathe deeply Olivia and think of either a memory or a story anything it doesn't even need to be true Olivia it's just something you can hold onto and bring you back into the present'.
When she first suggested this she thought about Fitz but that would just trigger more anxiety as she thought about all the pain she had caused him, she tried thinking of the time in Vermont but that was such a hard time for them so that didn't work either, but then it came to her the dream she had after she told Fitz about the abortion, she started to reply the dream in her mind washing herself in the feelings that would overcome her. The more she believed this was true the more it calmed her.
Conjuring the dream up in her mind to calm her down it gives her the courage to look at the message
'I'm sorry you left me no choice but I still love you Liv save me chase the sun with me'
She stares at the message and deletes it almost straight away; the feeling she used to have where she felt compelled to save him is no longer present. She was able to work through why she felt she had to save him, part of her felt responsible for him and the way his life turned out. Rowan ruined him and controlled him therefore Olivia felt a duty to protect him.
She also realised how controlling and manipulative he was almost to the point he had her brain washed. She felt ashamed of herself at this point she couldn't believe how blind she was to this and this was when she started to push Fitz away in her recovery.
She goes back to the messages from Fitz and notices that most are picture messages she scrolls through until she can find the first one. Olivia laughed out loud at the face he was making, some held caption some were just images, scrolling through she sees one of him in a meeting with Abby he is making a bored face then there is a 2nd picture saying 'oops Abby just caught me' then the 3rd on of him and Abby together smiling saying how much they miss her.
She smiles at all the selfies he has sent her, he knows just what she needs, she gets to the last message which was sent a few hours ago. It's of Fitz with the biggest grin on his face and underneath it says 'yeah you're home I can't wait to see you call me when you see this'.
Pulling out the Fitz phone it barely rings before she hears him pick up
'Hi'
Olivia can hear the smile in his voice
'Hi'
She replies back with the same amount of giddiness, its silent for a while both listening to the other breathe for a bit.
'How's your day been' Olivia asks
'Long. Too long. Nothing seemed to go right, I've been staring at this bill for the past hour waiting for you to ring oh and Mellie is being Mellie'.
'I'm sorry Fitz I really put you in an awkward situation'
'I will have none of that Liv you didn't do anything wrong. Your team pretty much ran it I just stepped in when they needed me. Oh 2 good things did happen though'
'Oh yeah what were they?'
'Well 1 you are back and 2 you me and Camp David tomorrow'.
'I can't wait. It's what got me through that last month knowing that you wanted to see me especially after I cut you off' Olivia sad somewhat sadly
'I understood Liv, I was upset at first but I know you needed to do it in order to push through whatever barriers you had'.
She smiles thinking about the last month and her freaking out to Tracey not knowing if Fitz was going to want to see her when she was back.
'So since I couldn't be with you tonight I sent Abby to make sure you had everything. I would have done it myself but I thought my appearance in a supermarket would cause quite the stir not to mention the secret service would tell me no'.
She laughs at him knowing he asked them and knowing he would have done that for her.
'Oh I also sent over your favourite from Maurice' he added
'You didn't'
I did it's on the side'
She moaned into the phone thinking about Maurice's lasagne and garlic bread, Fitz was trying to think of anything but Olivia moaning.
'You spoil me'.
'Even though I don't want to I need to hang up and make sure I finish all this work so that we can have an uninterrupted weekend'
'Looking forward to it. Bye Fitz'
'Bye Livvie'.
She hangs up and heads to the bathroom to start running a bath, it's crazy how different she feels she sometimes wonders if she got help after the kidnapping how different her life would have been. She walks out of the bathroom and to the bedside table in her room and pulls out the small box; she opens it and sees the dainty gold ring just waiting for her.
For the first time since that night she finally feels good enough to put it back on, she feels worthy enough of him and his love and knows that this time is going to be different she can just feel it. After the bath had finished running she climbs in and relax, there's nothing like a good bath to help take it all in she thinks. Her mind goes back to one of the hardest days during her recovery..
29th September 2016 – 2 months into her stay at Timberline Knolls
'What's really bothering you today Olivia?'
She knows the answer she just doesn't want to answer, she doesn't want to speak to anyone today, she just wants to be left alone, she wants this day to be over with so she can move on from the pain that she is feeling.
Olivia really wants to talk to Fitz but that would be too much for her particularly on this day. So instead of saying that she just keeps staring at the wall avoiding Tracey's eye contact.
'Ok how about we take a break, get some rest and we'll meet again in 2 hours ok'.
She doesn't even acknowledge her she just walks out and run towards her room before the tears come out. She quickly goes under the covers and cries; she buries her head into the pillow and cries. Today should have been one of the happiest days of their lives it would have been the day they would have welcomed their first child together into the world, she clutches at her stomach trying to imagine her bump trying to stop the pain that she is feeling. No one tells you when you undergo an abortion the emotions you will feel they just say 'it takes time or it will get better' she never expected to feel this much pain but she does. Somewhere between all her thoughts and crying she falls asleep and lets her subconscious take over...
Olivia is staring down into the sink she can't believe it, she wants to pinch herself, this time feels different, this time feels right, she doesn't feel the anxiety crippling her, she doesn't feel trapped and out of control like last time.
4 identical sticks all staring back at her all saying the same thing-'Positive'. She looks in the bathroom mirror and lifts up her shirt nothing visible yet but she palms her stomach and smiles, this time is different she says to herself. Fitz only comes back tomorrow morning and she cant wait to tell him, at first thought she was going to wait until she gets a scan but then she thinks she wants him there for everything particularly that first scan and she doesn't want to take that from him like last time.
Olivia crawls into bed and looks at the time, she hasn't spoken to Fitz in 4 hours and she misses hearing his voice. This has been the longest they have been apart since Olivia went to rehab, 1 week and on the other side of the world was just too much for her now and that thought alone makes her chuckle.
She falls asleep to thoughts of the future the next thing she feels is a pair of arms pulling her towards them she turns in his arms and snuggles into him. She slowly opens her eyes and shifts her head to look up at her handsome husband
'Hi' she says
'Hi' he replies leaning downs and kisses her on the lips, boy has she missed his lips on her. She breaks away all too early for Fitz's and he pouts which makes her smile
'I have a surprise for you it's in the bathroom sink'
His eyebrow arches and gives her a strange look and Liv just smile back at him. He moves off the bed and makes his way into the bathroom; the door is open so she can see the moment that he registers everything. He snaps his head towards her and she just continues to smile at him, he quickly makes his way over to her and she can see the tears in his eyes
'Is it really true' he says whilst placing his hand on her stomach
'It's really true' she says whilst covering his hands.
Something's wrong. She doesn't feel right. She gets up to use the bathroom and she has to take her time, she looks in the mirror everything going dizzy then she feels a sharp pain in her stomach and her hand immediately goes to it. She grips the counter with her other hand tears are threatening to fall, no please no she says out loud.
'Fitz'
She somehow manage to scream out to him and she knows he immediately senses something is wrong and she hears him running to the door, she looks up at him with fear in her eyes, another pain grips her and she is struggling to stay upright and she cant contain the tears anymore something is very wrong. Fitz is immediately at her side telling her it's going to be ok , he scoops her into his arms and places her on the edge of the bed he quickly dresses and she is back in his arm, he is talking to someone but all Liv can think about is how their beautiful baby girl is leaving them as a shooting pain goes through her and she grips Fitz even harder. Before she knew it she was at the hospital hooked up to all these different kind of monitors as the pain doesn't seem to be stopping
'This is all my fault Fitz, this is revenge for what I did a few years ago, I cant loose her Fitz this is all my fault I'm soo sorry please forgive me'
Olivia wakes with a jolt first looking down at her stomach to see it flat realising that she was dreaming she looks around the room the tear drenched pillow is all wet and she decide to change into Fitz's navy shirt, if she cant talk to him today at least he can be with her. She walks out of her room back to Tracey's and sits back down on her couch. She doesn't say anything she waits for Olivia to start, it takes her a few minutes but eventually she tells her what today is. She helps her understand that what she is feeling is completely natural and that today will probably always be a hard day for her because of what it could have represented. Tracey suggests a couple of things that Olivia could do once she is back home to remember her baby - if that's what Olivia wanted. At the end of the session Olivia can still see she is struggling with she did
'You need to let go of what happened Olivia as nothing can be done about it, you cant undo the act itself. That doesn't mean that you forget about the life you created but you need to find a way to be ok with it. Olivia you have to forgive yourself'.
Olivia thinks back to that day and realise how far she has come she also realise how close it is to the day that she first found out about being pregnant and how its nearly been a year since that horrible day with Fitz. After that session with Tracey she wrote a letter to the life she will never know she hopes to share it with Fitz this weekend. She learnt that she cant go through this alone, she needs to be open and honest with Fitz. She feels ready for what this weekend will bring and she hopes it will only be the start of her and Fitz.
She looks to the bedside table and picks up the ring she stares at if for a moment before slipping it back on her finger. Back where it belongs.