Chapter 3: Desks are Powerful Weapons

I had a restless night. I tossed around, lying on my back to lying on my side to lying on my other side. I kicked the sheets off me then pulled them back on. I got up to get a drink of water. I turned the ceiling fan on. Nothing I did made my body want to sleep. It's hard to get yourself comfortable when you're uncomfortable in your own thoughts.

I had a whole night to think about it. In all honesty, I wish Anubis had taken his jar and left. Those memories; I didn't like having to dig them up. What's more, he had changed them. Somehow there was a different meaning to why my parents had died and I hadn't. It had always been a fluke accident to me for all these years; a random act of nature that no one could control or predict. But I could never explain the dog, until now. Anubis was there. For the jar. Was their death, my survival, something more than the cruelty of coincidence?

No, I couldn't believe that the fire was meant to happen. There was no meaning to it. The grill was faulty, blew up the grill's gas tank, and blew up both the cars. My parents never left their bed. I should have died with them. The only reason I didn't was because I chased after the dog, or the jackal. Something I could never explain, that I could never convince anyone had happened, suddenly became more real than it had ever been. Was my life spared by a god? I wasn't sure if I was ready to accept that.

My alarm went off. I felt like I hadn't been asleep even though I knew I must have. I slapped the power button thinking that he would be there today. He was going to somehow disrupt my life even more than he had yesterday I was sure. I shouldn't keep him waiting.

At least this morning felt more normal than yesterday's had. Sophie didn't bother trying to make anything. We had cereal. Sophie didn't even spill anything. It was amazing.

I didn't think anything about Sophie walking beside me by the sink as I was washing out my bowl. I had a too much on my mind to notice. But in the next moment she was wrapping her arms around me. It surprised me, and it felt a bit awkward. She pulled away smiling but showing she felt a bit awkward as well.

"What's up, Aunt Sophie?" I asked not really knowing what was best to say.

"I feel like I should ask you that," she replied, her intuition as sharp as ever. "It seems like there is something going on, but you don't want to tell me about it, do you?"

I looked down. How could I tell her? She only smiled. "I know. I remember what it was like to be your age. I just wanted you to know that I love you and only want you to be safe." She squeezed my shoulder and walked away.

"Thank you," I called to her. I saw her nod with her back to me and leave the room.

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He was at the same place as yesterday. There were only a couple of people at the gazebo, but Anubis sat alone. He was looking in another direction, his eyes not seeming to be focused on anything. The morning light emphasized the stark color difference in his hair. I could have ignored him and gone to my group of friends instead. But I didn't. I passed them and went to sit by the spot I had dug in the ground the day before.

"Good morning," I said as casually as I could when I walked up to him.

He turned his head away from the point of space he was staring at. Upon seeing me his eyes lit up and he replied, "Morning."

I sat down, resting my back on the opposite tree trunk. He watched me as I settled my backpack on the ground next to me. His expression wasn't the warm one he greeted me with. There was intensity in his stare. I felt a bit self-conscience under his glare but forced myself to look him in the face. Then I noticed that he looked paler, almost clammy, compared to yesterday.

"You look kind of pale," I remarked.

He paused. That distant, blank look had returned. Yes, it still creeped me out.

"Yes, I probably do," was how he responded.

There was silence between us. I didn't know how to fill it. There was so much I could ask him about but I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

"Do you know why I'm here?" Anubis finally asked.

I shook my head. "Not the faintest clue."

He sighed, nodding his head in turn. He pulled on the grass taking a moment to gather his thoughts. "I'm here to request your service."

"My service?"

He nodded. "You are different. You could see where my heart was hidden. I think you can do this for the other pieces of my heart."

"Then you want me to help you find them?" He nodded. "That… I don't even know where I would start…"

"I would help you, of course," he assured.

"That would, you want me to leave then, don't you?" Again, he nodded. "For how long?"

"I have been searching for the canopic jars for a hundred years, yet I've only managed to find four or them, three of them on my own." His eyes darted to me. "With you it'll be faster. How much so I don't know."

I was shaking my head in disbelief. "No. No, I can't just up and leave. I have a life here. Family and friends. If I left, if I disappeared," my heart grew heavy. "… I can't imagine what that would do to them."

His shoulders fell and he looked thoroughly downcast. I could tell he had a lot riding on this, and that I had completely disappointed him.

"Maybe you could find someone else to help you find your heart?" I suggested.

He didn't even bother to look at me. "You don't know how rare someone like you is."

"But, you're a god."

"I'm not omnipotent. If I were, I would have my heart back already."

"I guess you have a point…" I trailed off. It was quiet. Even my friends in the nearby gazebo weren't being a rowdy as usual. I wondered what they thought of me being over here. I wondered what they saw.

"So you're not mad at me?" I asked.

He furrowed his brow, looking uncertain. "I… don't know."

"You don't?" I asked, a bit bewildered. But it made sense in a strange way. He acted so emotionless most of the time. A missing puzzle piece clipped into place. "You're missing your emotions."

He nodded. "Yes. Quite a few of them."

There was a gust of wind that made me shiver. Anubis kept pulling at the grass around him. "Then what do you feel?"

"… sad. Maybe something else. It's kind of faint." He stopped playing with the grass and looked me in the eye. "I had spent a lot of time looking for you. Well, looking for what Bitou promised would make my search quicker. Yesterday I had finally found you yet felt nothing towards it. I couldn't."

He paused for a moment and then continued. "But then you gave me that part of my heart that has allowed me to feel happy again, and I realized I was glad to have met you. I'm glad I found you." He looked down at the ground and said in a quieter voice, "I will be at the school for today as there is still one more thing I need to do. After that I will leave."

He stood up and I stood up with him. "This is it then?"

He nodded. Then he made to walk past me but as he did a finger graced my neck and tugged on the chain of my necklace. The sensation surprised me and I jerked away defensively. He caught my eye and merely gave a faint smile. "I'll send Osiris your regards," he said and left.

It disturbed me. I didn't know how he could tell. My necklace was always under my shirt, but he knew.

When I was younger, probably a year after the fire, I found a replica of the amulet of Osiris on the internet and begged my uncle to order it for me. In all honesty, it wasn't really right for me to wear it. The Egyptians would put this amulet on the dead so they would have a physical form or other in the afterlife. But I didn't care about what sort of magical power it was supposed to have. If there was any god that could connect me with my parents, it was Osiris. He ruled the underworld where my parents should be. I kept this amulet because it was the only thing that made me feel less empty because they were gone.

Did I really believe in the gods back then? I must have to feel so strong about having this amulet. Perhaps that belief dulled over the years as I grew older. Those stories were just that. Stories. I had thought that, until yesterday.

I didn't have the heart to go and hang out with my friends at the gazebo. I sat leaning on one of the trees running my hand around the disturbed earth I had dug into. Someone had filled the hole back in. It was like a grave for what had once been there. I imagined making a grave marker writing 'My Ignorant View of the World. You were gone before I knew it, and only the gods know why."

Molly joined my imaginary burial ceremony. She even looked concerned for me, but I didn't think it was over my mourning.

"G' morning," I said.

"Hey, Cody and Snow said you were over here talking to Andrew Darnell. What's that about?"

So that hadn't stopped. Yesterday it only bewildered me. Today it was thoroughly depressing. Andrew's dead but only I knew that.

I couldn't answer her. I merely mimicked Anubis and started pulling at the grass.

"Do you like him?"

A laugh escaped me at that. "What? You're kidding. I'm not talking to Andrew because I have a crush on him."

"Then why are you hanging out with him all of a sudden?"

"It doesn't matter," I retorted starting to feel agitated.

"Look, I did you a huge favor yesterday -"

"And I'm really grateful you did. I owe you one."

"But you never came back. I was going to take your things to your house if I didn't see you again at school, but Andrew told me he would take care of it. What am I supposed to think when he's visiting you at your house after school?"

I sighed audibly. Anubis wasn't exactly discreet about that. "I get it Molly, but really, I don't want to get into it."

"Fine, but I really don't think you should hang around him. If Jacob catches wind of it, you'll be on his list. Besides, I hear Andrew is into some weird Indian ritual stuff."

It sounded so disgusting. Was this the rumor that helped bring him to suicide? Even if it was true, that didn't mean he deserved this.

"I don't care, Molly!" I snapped. "I can talk to whoever I want to. If you can't handle it, then deal."

"You must love him a lot," she snidely remarked.

"Seriously!" I stood up, all my frustration built up in a heat of anger. "You don't know! You have no idea what you're saying, and you're going to end up regretting it!"

I grabbed my backpack and stormed away. Behind me Molly shouted, "You're the one who's gonna regret it!"

I opened the door into the school. "I already do," I said to myself.

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I had no idea what was keeping Anubis in the school. I saw him between classes walking the path Andrew had taken every day. Other than that, the day felt ordinary. No one asked about me slipping out of class yesterday. No one really noticed me enough to know or care anyway. Would no one notice when Andrew stopped coming to school like they didn't notice Anubis is a different person? Would anyone care? Well, Jacob would. He would be down one punching bag.

If I were tested on anything that was covered in any of my classes today I would get a zero. I couldn't focus on anything. I was still mad at Molly, and thinking about having a god wandering around the school bothered me. It hadn't completely sunk in, either. Anubis, the god of the dead and weigher of hearts, existed and was in my school. It was hard to fit the idea of the god of legend with the boy at a modern day school wearing regular clothes. It was like I had figured they would be fossilized in the era they came from.

Gym was a blur full of me running till my breath came in pants and my side hurt. What I was running from I didn't know. Maybe I was trying to figure out where I was going. Soon enough, it was time for math, my only class with Andrew. Anubis would be there. So would Molly. This was going to be the most uncomfortable class of my life.

Anubis was sitting in the same seat as yesterday, though now he was staring blank face at the white board instead of out the window. I silently sat at my seat. I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't know if I had anything to say to him. He would be gone after today. There was nothing left to talk about.

Jacob and his crew came in. This would be the last day they would pick on "Andrew". Would they feel guilt when they found out he committed suicide or would they just move on to the next weak person they could find? I hated them so much at this moment. I didn't know if I could stand to share the classroom with them for the rest of the semester.

I expected them to go bother Anubis. They should have gone to him. Instead, Jacob sat in the desk in front of me leaning his elbows on my desktop.

"Hello beautiful."

Laughs. His dogs were trained well to know when to laugh even when nothing funny was said. I didn't like that Jacob was bothering me. I looked at my notes pretending I didn't notice them.

"Are you being shy, sweetheart? Come on. Let's be friends."

He was leaning forward, completely in my space. I could smell the cigarette smoke that radiated from his jacket. I didn't look at him, but continued to stare fixedly at my notebook. In a sudden movement, Jacob ripped the notebook off my desk and threw it at the floor. At the same time I heard to screech of a desk sliding against the floor and a scuffle of footsteps. I didn't look to see what they were doing. I glared at where my notebook had been as though it were still there.

"Leave her be." I heard the words to my right and was surprised that they belonged to Anubis.

"Don't be like that, Andy. I'm just making simple conversation with her," Jacob replied.

I glanced over at Anubis. He didn't look angry in the least, but he was tense. I could see he was struggling with something, like he didn't know how to react in these situations. I wondered how much emotion was important to understand what was going on around you.

Jacob took advantage of me looking up at Anubis to grab my attention. He snapped his fingers and I reflexively looked for the source giving him the attention he wanted. "Tell me something, sweetheart. Are you Andrew's girlfriend because you love him, or are you just his fuck buddy?"

I felt like I had fallen out of my chair. The hyenas laughed all around. I looked away from Jacob looking for a certain desk. She was there. When she came into the classroom I didn't know. Molly looked shocked at the scene taking place. We locked eyes and I let my feeling of betrayal show plainly on my face. Her eyes widened and she slowly shook her head.

Molly wouldn't have sold me out to Jacob's crew no matter how angry she was. That meant someone overheard our argument. There were plenty of people in the gazebo who could have heard. The message was clear. They didn't want me dragging Andrew and his problems into their group. They would rather throw me to the wolves.

I was feeling shaky. I had never felt so angry, and I wasn't sure what all my anger was toward. Jacob certainly, but was I mad at my pseudo friends, Anubis, myself…? Jacob didn't like that I was ignoring him. His hand swiftly reached into my backpack and pulled out a small carrying bag. I kept personal things in it, like my wallet, phone, and chapstick. He held it smugly out of my reach. "Do you keep your condoms in here?"

I stood up swiftly. I was barely had control of my anger. Looking down on him, I managed to calmly say, "I'm not putting up with you. Give me back my bag and leave, or I'll tell Mr. Bagniefski you're stealing from me.

He gave a small chuckle. He stood up and took a moment to regard me. "Or I'll tell Mr. Bags that it's mine. It's your word," he pushed my shoulder with a finger, "against mine."

"Fine," I replied shortly. "Then you can explain to the teacher how the tampon in there is for your pussy."

I got some stiff laughs from some of the students in the room. The temperature seemed to drop. Jacob still held his smug smirk but it felt more forced now.

"STOP IT!"

The high pitched scream turned all our heads. Molly was standing, red faced, with her arms tightly held at her sides. She shoved the desks out of the way to stand between us. She grabbed at my arm tugging it. "Come on!" She pulled harder but I resisted.

"I'm not running away."

"Stay out of this, Schleef. Do you really want to make trouble for yourself?" Jacob chided. His glare intimidated her and I felt her grip on my arm loosen.

"You are the one making trouble."

I had forgotten Anubis was here until he spook. Jacob turned his attention to him and scoffed, "When did you grow a pair of balls? You keep your mouth shut!" He said his words while stabbing a finger at him. Jacob's cool was slipping. Looking irritated he muttered toward Andrew, "God, I wish you'd die."

I didn't think. I don't know where my strength came from. I grabbed my desk and lifted up swiftly into the air as though it were made of Styrofoam. I felt some resistance to the weight of the desk but ignored it. With all the strength my arms had, I swung the desk over the top of Jacob's head. He fell backwards as the desk came down onto him. Before I knew it he was sprawled on the ground with the desk on top of him.

His friends swept over to him. The room had seemed muted but the sound slowly came back.

"Oh my God!"

"I can't believe it."

"Is she okay?"

She? I stepped back and my foot hit something. I looked at the ground behind me. Molly was laying there. She fumbled to get her bearings looking only semiconscious. I suddenly realized why I felt some resistance while lifting the desk. The desk had hit Molly too.

I backed away horrified. There was a welt already forming above her right eye. I was shaking terribly. My eyes stung and my throat felt clogged. Students rushed to her. Another student came back with Mr. Bagniefski and a hall monitor. They looked at Molly and Jacob, then at me, the guilty one in the middle of it.

Behind me, I felt a hand on my back and another holding my arm. In my ear I heard Anubis whisper, "Whatever you do, don't look at them."

I quickly complied, no argument in my mind even if I didn't understand his instructions. I heard the two teachers come in, barking orders to stand back. Anubis gently pushed at my back urging me forward. I walked, moving to the front of the class and then around where Jacob was. There was a teacher there, but there was no reaction to my movement. He led me to the door. No one stopped us. I didn't know if they even looked at us as my eyes were glued to the floor.

We left the chaos of the classroom behind.

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I sat on the curb in front of a small, local grocery store two blocks from the school. I had heard ambulances wailing a street away and the sound made my legs go weak. We stopped here while I bent forward with my head between legs.

"Stay here," Anubis said. He left and I sat trying to calm my panted breathing.

All that anger I had before had turned into self-loathing. What was wrong with me? Why had I picked a fight with Jacob? Even if I believed that Jacob pushed Andrew into suicide, anything I did now was too little too late. Everything I did was too late. And now I hurt Molly, who knows how badly, and I was sure to be on my way to expulsion.

My hate for myself reached out for other things to blame myself for. It hadn't just been the incident today. I could have helped Andrew before, but I held myself back. I should have found I way to handle Jacob before. I could have kept Molly out of it and she would be okay. And now I would be expelled. What will that do to my aunt and uncle. I was already burdening them. Now I would become a greater burden on their lives and their marriage.

Anubis sat down next to me. He handed me a cold water bottle dripping in cold sweat. I took it from him and practically chugged it, then coughed as I choked from drinking too quickly.

"Not so fast. Small sips," Anubis said.

I took my time to clear my throat. I stopped coughing, and stared down at the asphalt, the water dripping off the water bottle.

"Have you ever felt like everything is your fault?" I asked. "Like no matter what, you always end up screwing up in the end?"

"I… don't know if I have ever felt that before."

I turned to look at him. He looked a bit confused, but mostly sad. And empty.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. If I were alone, I would be bawling into pillow. I could feel the sobs in the back of my throat but I held them there. I didn't want to cry in front of Anubis. I wished that I could fade into the pavement.

"Is there anything I can do?" Anubis asked.

I didn't look at him. I merely continued to hold my head in my hands.

"I don't know. Just, talk about something."

"Talk about what?"

"Anything. Umm… tell me about how your heart came to be in jars."

And he did. He said his last memory from having a heart was in 1894. He remembered having to come to this country more than usual. There was a depression that brought up the death rate. He remembered he came to the country to talk to someone. He doesn't remember who. He doesn't remember anything else than that. His next memory was of sitting on the floor with his heart gone.

"Do you know who took your heart then?" I asked.

"I didn't at first. It was a few decades before Nephthys came forward and confessed she did it."

"Who's Nephthys?"

"My mother."

I gaped. I couldn't remember her from the stories my parents told me, so I had no idea what kind of goddess she was.

"Why… why would she do that to her own son?"

"I don't know."

Anubis looked sad staring down at his hands. For a moment, he reminded me of Andrew. The thought tugged at my heart.

Anubis continued. He said when his mother admitted to stealing his heart, he found out his heart had been cut into twelve pieces, placed in canopic jars, and spread across the world. One jar remained with Nephthys, his strongest emotions she had told him, and she would return it when he found the other eleven.

He never searched for them. He could feel nothing without his heart and felt no reason to search for the jars. He said the first jar he found was by accident. The emotion it gave him was desire, and for the first time he wanted to find the other pieces of his heart. Later he found the piece of his heart that allowed him to feel confused. He began to wonder why he had his heart taken and had to go on this long journey to recover the pieces. He never got his answers.

Then there was the heart in the jar my parents owned. That piece gave him his sadness. And then I had given his happiness yesterday.

"I like that emotion," he said. "I like feeling happy, but for some reason I can't bring myself to feel happy right now."

"Emotions are hard to control," I said in an undertone.

I could feel his eyes on me but I didn't look back. "I suppose so," he said.

At this moment, I would give anything to be like Anubis and not feel the horrible guilt that invaded my thoughts. I felt terrible for feelings this way. I deserved to feel terrible after what had happened. But from what I could tell, Anubis didn't deserve to feel emptiness. He hardly seemed like a god, but a boy who was broken. And when he reached his hand out to me for help, I refused. My selfishness had no limit.

"Would you like me to get you something to eat?" he asked.

I shook my head. "I'm not hungry." I stood up and looked in the direction of the school. I could see the street that ran in front of it. There was a police car there.

Anubis was stood up beside me. "Are you ready to go back to the school then?"

"I don't think I'm going back," I said, my mind made up on what I wanted to do. "Could you come to my house again, like yesterday?"

He thought for a second. "I still have one more thing to do at the school. I'll come over when I finish."

"What are you even doing at my school?" I asked.

He shrugged. "A favor. And you left your bag behind again."

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My bedroom was dark except for the light from the window when Anubis came into the room with me. I let him in through the front door this time since no one was home. Anubis was quick to notice the duffel bag nearly full of clothing and other things.

"Packing." It wasn't a question. Yet he still looked at me with interested eyes waiting for an explanation.

"Yeah, well, I changed my mind. I'm going with you."

His expression slackened. His eyes looked like black holes despite their brown color. He seemed to shake himself out of the moment of lapse and took a seat where he sat yesterday. He scratched his head staring intently at my bag.

Finally he said, "I don't think this is right."

"I'm giving you what you want. Why protest?"

"I just… I think you're doing this because of something else. Something to do with today. I don't understand why, it's just…" He sighed deeply running his palm across his eyebrow. "I get the feeling you are running away."

"I'm not running away," I explained. "It's the opposite. I'm doing this because I don't want to run away." My voice started to shake, but I pressed forward. "I can't get out of my mind how different it would be if I had chosen to do something before. Andrew wouldn't have died, Molly would be okay, I wouldn't be expelled - "

"They won't expel you," Anubis interrupted.

"Whatever they decide to do to me! I deserve to be expelled. But I'm done being selfish. I'm not running away. You say I'm the only one who can help you, right? Then that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to make any more choices I'll hate myself for later."

"Have you considered what you're deciding? It will be dangerous."

"That's fine. I'll be careful." I shook my head. "I really don't get you. It's almost like you're trying to dissuade me."

"I want to be sure you're coming because you want to," Anubis said.

"I do," I replied firmly. He nodded. The room went quite. Anubis stared blankly at the wall in thought. Everything I wanted to take was in my bag so I sat quietly on my bed. I eventually worked up the courage to ask, "Why did you save me?"

Anubis regarded me. "I didn't want you to get in trouble. That would have made things very complicated."

"Not about today. Why did you save me that night you took my parents' canopic jar?"

Anubis frowned. "I didn't know it was going to happen. There are some gods with the ability of foresight, but I am not one of them. I hadn't even realized you followed me until I heard the explosion."

"Then it was just a coincidence?" I whispered.

"There are no coincidences," Anubis replied firmly. "Something greater than both of us was at work. That is why you survived that night."

I stared into my lap. I wasn't sure if I could believe Anubis. What force was greater than a god?

"Do you know what you will do about your family?" Anubis asked.

"I don't think I should stay here for them to come home. They'll probably want to know why I skipped school and I don't think I can lie to them."

"Then how about your name?"

"What about my name?".

"Names hold power. It is common for us to have two names, a true name and a lesser name, as it is dangerous for another god to know your true name. You will have to leave your name behind as well."

"Do you even know my name?" I asked realizing he never asked me about it.

"It is better for me to not know, but you should think of another name to use from now on."

"I don't know…" I muttered. "Anubis is your lesser name, right?"

"No," he replied. I looked puzzled, to which he said, "Anubis is a name the Greeks gave to me. I grew fond of the name, so I use it instead. I don't much like my lesser name, anyhow."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Do you know what lesser name you will use?"

Anubis was deliberately changing the subject, but I didn't object. I honestly didn't have a clue about a new name I could use.

"Could you choose one for me? I don't think I'll come up with anything."

"I'm not good with foreign names."

It felt odd that I hadn't considered him as being foreign to my country. "I don't care if it's Egyptian. Whatever you think suits me best is fine."

He nodded agreeing to my request. I slung my bag over my shoulder. "I'm ready to go. There's just one more place I want to go first."

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It only took twenty minutes to get to Brookside Cemetery by foot. The lot wasn't large. It sat on a corner of an intersection at the edge of a small neighborhood. This area gets little traffic and there aren't any close businesses nearby. I had visited this cemetery many times. Anubis had followed behind me as I led him here, but now he walked past me.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

He didn't respond, navigating around the graves like he was familiar with the place. The air of the cemetery seemed to cling to him. As he walked, the shadows of the gravestones leaned towards him as he passed. Perhaps it was because I was human that I hadn't thought about the power Anubis possessed. In this moment, though, I could feel it all around me. Everything here seemed to center on him.

I caught up to him. He was standing in front of my parent's tombstone. "How did you know?"

"I am the god of cemeteries. I know my own land."

"I thought you were the god of the dead?" I asked.

"I am. I'm also the god of funerals, god of embalming, and god of canines." He shrugged. "They're just titles. It's not really important."

I stepped forward and knelt in front of their gravestone. Both their names were engraved on the same stone side by side. The grass had long ago grown back over the mound they were buried. On some occasions I would talk to them as though they were here with me, and others I would just look on in silence. This was one of those times that I stayed silent. I had nothing to say. I just wanted to be here one more time, knowing it would be a long time before I could come back again. I sat silently for a long time. When I was ready to leave, I whispered, "Goodbye," and went to Anubis.

"I'm ready," I said.

He nodded. "You will be leaving much behind. Do you promise to stay by my side until my heart is whole again?"

"I promise."

He smiled. "Then I give you this name with the hope that you will always stay loyal to me. In return, I promise to keep you and your true name safe." He laid his hand on my shoulder. "From today on, I name you Faithful. I name you Nakia."