The Journal of Conan Edogawa

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Chapter 12: Still Here

Entry #12

I feel like Conan is taking everything that was ever important to me! My life, even my identity. It's like Shinichi Kudou doesn't even exist anymore! It's like the lie that I'm living is getting bigger and bigger until it's the only thing left. At this point, I don't think I'll ever be able to tell Ran the truth, no matter how much she deserves it.

Ran seems a lot happier now. She's always there, smiling. I know that I should be happy that Ran isn't sad but I can only feel guilty. Her smiles are so genuine and kind and beautiful. Would Ran be smiling the same way if she knew the truth?

I know that there can only be one in the end. When this is all over, I could be Shinichi…or I could be stuck as Conan. I'm scared that it'll be the last one. As much as I love being with Ran and watching over her, I don't want to be her surrogate little brother! I want to be the one who can hold her in their arms, the one who can tell her that they love her! If only Ran knew the truth, than I could tell her how I really feel. I could tell her how sorry I am for everything and that I'm still here. I don't want to disappear!

Conan sighed as he grabbed his stuff. He was going on another camping trip with Agasa and the Detective Boys. He had decided that it would be best if he left his journal behind since he didn't want to risk a lecture from Haibara. He made sure that the journal was completely hidden before going into the living room where the Detective Boys (excluding Haibara) were waiting.

Ran watched from the kitchen as Ayumi happily grabbed Conan's hand. She felt her face flare up with jealousy. She knew that she shouldn't be jealous of a little girl but she couldn't help it. It didn't help that Conan…that Shinichi…didn't do much to stop Ayumi's advances.

"Come on, Conan!" Ayumi exclaimed as she dragged Conan after her. "Hakase and Ai-chan are waiting in the car!"

Conan threw a small desperate look at Ran before being pulled out the door. "Bye, Ran-neechan!" He called. "I'll be back in a couple of days!"

Ran watched from the office window as Conan and his friends got into Agasa yellow beetle and drove away. "Be safe, Shinichi." She whispered before returning to her chores. It wasn't long before she gave up. "Now I can't work! Stupid Shinichi! It's like he's always trying to find new ways to make me worry!"

Ran went into Conan's room and found where he hid the notebook. It had been a while since she had read it. She still felt a little bad about reading it since it was something personal but she felt like she was closer to Shinichi whenever she read it.

Tears fell onto the pages as she read. "I never knew that you felt like that! I know that you want to keep this a secret but you should tell someone how you feel! You're so stupid! Why are you always so stubborn and proud!" Still, Ran blushed when she read everything that he wrote about her. Everything that Shinichi wrote was so overwhelming. She wiped her tears away and looked at the clock. Her father would be back any minute now. Ran went into her room and put the notebook underneath her pillow. She didn't really think about it but she wanted to feel closer to Shinichi. "It'll be fine as long as I put it back before he gets back from camping."

Sorry it took me so long to update! I've been really busy with midterms lately! I haven't been able to work much on any of my fanfics! Anyway, I hope you all liked this chapter! Thanks so much for reading it and for all of the reviews! They really do help! Please keep reviewing and let me know if you have any more ideas!