3 December 2015

I would say something about the horrendous update gap, but everyone knows that already, I think.

so, did you know some turtles can breathe through their butts

33. Distractions

of food from porous hands.

"I think the waddle dees are starting to get used to my presence," Kirby told the king with an air of pride. "A pair of them didn't try to spear me today on my way up."

"You're actually using the front door?"

"Yes! Since you asked me to. I am very gracious, I'll have you know. I am a blob of my word." The pink puffball nodded and used his left stub to thump where his heart was supposed to lay under. "You should get me a VIP sticker to paste on my forehead. With your signature. Maybe your loyal minions will stop harassing me that way."

"If one of them manages to spear you one of these days, that'll be a good thing," Dedede remarked, putting the notebook where he wrote all the insults that the leader waddle doo came up with at the drop of a hat down.

(Truth be told, Bandana Dee had managed to convince all the waddle dees to not spear Kirby on sight. Kirby knew this, but he pretended he didn't. For fun. For laughs. For good things.)

"My heart has been broken," Kirby mock-sniffed, miraculously making the gesture of a heart breaking with his stubs. "Or, brain, actually, because—why do people even insist that the heart feels emotions, anyway? I've always thought it was the brain, you know. Because it's the brain. Brain, brain. Brain. Isn't your heart just some clump of muscles? That just pumps blood all over your body? Yeah, right? Then why would someone insist that you feel things there? Just because of the fact if you get stabbed there you will die, one-hundred percent isn't a good excuse—"

"'Cause the brain is uglier than the heart," Dedede supplied. The waddle doo had once said that. (It was meant to be sarcastic, but the king didn't really know that.)

Kirby looked at him in awe, as if he had received The Enlightenment.

Kirby's visits were frequent, which was actually a result of more work on Bandana Dee's job, and Dedede had given up on trying to whack him out of the room and instead fed him insults he had been memorising from the waddle doo like they were nutrients, or something weird like that. Kirby was perfectly content, and never responded genuinely negatively to any of them.

(Kirby's frequent visits were also due to his sudden desire to see his "plant niece". He often brought empty kettles over and tipped air down into Larry's pot.)

"You know, when you mention organs," Kirby began, and Dedede had this foreboding feeling, "you think of blood, and then you think of bleeding, and then you think of holes in your skin, and then you think of needles."

"No. I don't."

"We can sew today!" Kirby trilled, spawning a plastic bag and scattering it on the floor. Dedede's eye twitched. Kirby thought he should get that eye checked out. "Lucky for you, I am an expert when it comes to sewing! Even if I don't wear any clothes. It's okay. It makes sense."

"Are you a housewife?"

"When I was younger I asked someone if I could become that, they said no. Anyway, do you know what a running stitch is? No—do you know how to thread the thread through the eye of a needle? Ridiculous, actually. Threading is ridiculous. Your hands will end up porous before you can even start sewing. The harsh, cruel reality of being a housewife. Honestly. Oh, did you know the term 'househusband' exists?"

Rolling his eyes, Dedede notably stepped away from the mess of plastic bags strewn on the floor. Kirby, too preoccupied with tying a napkin with the word LARRY messily sewed on it around the plastic plant's stem, did not notice.

But when he sat back at his original place, he did. "You won't get eaten. I mean, maybe you will, but then that's too bad. So, don't be a chicken. Even though chicken pie is great." And, for extra effect: "Yum."

"Are you sure you don't want to go to the kitchen to get some food?"

"What a tempting distraction. You just don't want to admit you're way worse at sewing compared to me."

"I am not," Dedede snapped haughtily. "I'll prove it to you, since you're basically begging me to."

"Okay!" Kirby beamed. (He had accomplished his goal, but he didn't say that.) "After the food."

Which never happened, because they spent the rest of the entire day depleting the castle's stock of food.

While the two were being major causes of energy crises, the bandana-toting waddle dee sighed as he listened to the unglamorous noises of the two chomping. Gingerly, he slid another book from the top of the stack, flipping the hard cover open and flipped two pages to the first chapter.

"Once upon a time..."

He pretended the grass wasn't a little greener the next day. (Because that would be embarrassing.)