Hi guys! As always, thank you for taking the time to tell me what you think of the story so far! xo
Present Day
It had been a week since that eventful weekend in Lima. Santana had woken up with a massive headache and a sense of dread that couldn't be completely attributed to her hangover. She hadn't really said much to her friends that Sunday, choosing to pick up Sophia after a late breakfast and staying with her until Mercedes called to say they had to leave for the airport. The plane ride back to New York was noticeably tenser, everyone was making an effort not to talk about Brittany's surprise appearance and Santana spent the flight playing with Sophia in the back. When Sophia asked them all how the party went, they all looked at Santana to answer for them. Santana picked her daughter up, kissed her and said: "It was really fun, mija, but never as much fun as when we party with you"Sophia had laughed and cuddled her mother, and everyone else just sighed in relief.
When the limo dropped the pair off at their house, Sophia gave everyone hugs while Santana said goodbye with a curt nod and a half smile. Once inside their house, Sophia rushed to her room to unpack and rehash the trip with Humphrey, while Santana went to her bathroom and drew a bath. When the water was just at the right temperature, Santana climbed in, leaned back and closed her eyes. In the privacy of her own bathroom, assured no one would interrupt her, she finally let herself feel the full effect of the weekend's emotional shock. She felt the tears well up in her eyes and she let them fall without wiping them off. She took deep breaths and felt the sting of the tears and her heart slowly chipping away at the wall she had built around her heart. A heart that so utterly and totally belonged to that blonde, even after all these years. And she hated that. She hated the fact that she had never reclaimed it, that after all the pain and suffering she had gone through, one look at those immense, deep blue eyes was all it took for the blonde to reassure her that yes, she absolutely held the lock and the key to her heart.
Santana remembered the failed attempts over the years to finally move on from Brittany. There had been two- or three if Sophia's dad counted - and none had lasted very long. The first girl was Kelly, a friend of her roommate's at Columbia whom she had met her second week there. Kelly was the complete opposite of Brittany: short, spiky dark red hair, nose ring, tough attitude and a motorcycle. She worked as a waitress in a seedy biker's bar and used to crash in their dorm room after her shifts. Kelly always walked in without knocking at 7 am and flopped onto the bed and was out cold by 7:04. Santana didn't mind this intruder since she usually had morning classes anyways, until that one Friday when her morning classes got cancelled and she returned to her dorm room to find Kelly getting out of the shower. Santana was startled, but Kelly just smirked and sat down on the bed. After the initial shock, Santana recovered and the girls got to talking. Kelly asked her out to lunch and Santana agreed. Two weeks of heavy make out sessions later, Kelly wanted more, but Santana wasn't ready. When Kelly got angry, Santana ended things and forbade her roommate from letting Kelly crash in their room again.
Almost 2 years after Kelly, Santana had only indulged in drunken make-outs with random girls, since it was all she was prepared for. She decided she was better off without ever giving her heart away again, so she wrote off romance once and for all. At Quinn's birthday party, Quinn and Rachel introduced her to Stephanie, a very pretty paralegal who interned at the same firm Quinn did. Quinn and Rachel had decided that it was about time Santana gave romance another shot, and Stephanie seemed like the best candidate. She was a tall black girl with dark green eyes and long hair, who had dimples when she smiled which she did often, and a tendency to talk with her hands. Stephanie was immediately drawn to Santana, who just thought this was another friend. They chatted amicably that day and Stephanie asked Santana for her number. Santana was hesitant at first, but since she'd had a nice conversation, she decided to give it to her. Stephanie texted her the next day asking her out, and Santana agreed to go out for coffee. This time though, Santana chose to go out on a few dates without having any physical contact to see how Stephanie would react. Stephanie never pressured her and when they finally kissed, it was because Santana leaned forward to kiss her good night. They used to go out and talk for hours, and every time Stephanie tried to embrace Santana or hold her hand, Santana would only allow it for a few minutes before squirming away with some lame excuse. Three weeks later, Stephanie was tired of Santana keeping her at arms' length, and when she asked Santana why she did it, Santana chose to end it, instead of opening her heart and confessing why she kept her at bay.
After this futile attempt, all of her friends gave up on trying to set Santana up with someone and Santana went back to her casual make-outs whenever she craved some physical contact.
Santana knew that Stephanie was the kind of girl she could've grown to love, but that was too scary. In the dim light of her bathroom she could confess to herself that no one would measure up to Brittany in her eyes, and frankly, she didn't want to find one who could. Sophia was now her beacon of love and affection, and someone she could love immensely without fearing it would end, because a mother's love was all encompassing. She knew that she couldn't replace romantic affection with her daughter's affection, but she realized she didn't need romance anymore. She had had a lifetime supply of it during her years with Brittany, and the memory - even bittersweet as it was - was enough to see her through.
When the water grew colder, Santana rinsed herself off and stepped out. She put on sweats and an old Cheerios t-shirt and went to check on Sophia. Sophia was in the fort she had built with Chris and Luke that time watching TV with Humphrey beside her. She beamed when she saw her mom walk over and motioned for her to sit down next to her in the fort.
"I thought there were no grownups allowed in the fort..."
Sophia leaned in and whispered. "Not when Chris and Luke are here, but I'll allow it when we're alone."
Santana chuckled and put an arm around her daughter, who scurried closer. "Well thank you mija, it'll be our little secret."
They spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV and after dinner and a bath, Santana tucked Sophia in and went to her room to fire up her laptop and get up to date with her work emails.
"Let's see the damage..." she muttered as the browser loaded her email. "Shit" was all she said when it announced she had 165 new messages. Fuck, I was only gone for three days, and it was a weekend!After filtering out some spam messages, she got down to 132. As she suspected, a dozen of those were story alerts for Mercedes and her using a private plane for the weekend from different gossip sources. Told you Wheezy, now I have to deal with this shit.She took a deep breath and forwarded them all to Mercedes and Lina with a short message: "Lina, keep tabs on this please, so it doesn't get out of hand. Cedes, I told you and you'll personally pay Lina for any overtime she has to put in cleaning up your mess." There weren't any urgent messages to take care of, mostly reports from her office on how things were going. She liked to stay on top of everything so there wouldn't be any surprises. After clearing out her inbox because she hated seeing that bold notification for new email, she noticed her phone was buzzing.
When she looked at the ID she debated on whether she should answer it or not. She was in no mood to talk about the Shuesters' party and she knew that was the only reason her friend was calling, but at the same time she needed to vent so why the hell not? She took a deep breath and answered the phone.
Don't tell me I have to bail you out again, Puckerman.
Haha, not a chance Lopez, I'm a reformed man now.
Yeah, right! I'll believe it when I see it... so what's up?
Just wanted to see how you were holding up, we didn't get a chance to say goodbye before you guys took off.
I went to pick up Sophia and hung out with my mom. Are you still in Lima?
I'm taking my bike to the shop in the morning to get it checked out before riding back to Boston.
I can't believe you took your bike, that's like a 13 hour drive, right?
Usually, but I did it in 10 hours... I'm taking my time going back, though, I was thinking of making some stops along the way.
Are you planning on coming to New York?
That's part of why I'm calling, I didn't get to see my baby girl while you were here, and I got a present for her.
Ugh, please Puck don't give her another leather jacket ok? I had to hide it all summer long cause she wanted to wear it every day and I didn't want her to die of heatstroke.
Don't worry, I promise it's not a leather jacket... But she's my niece and I'm crazy about her, so I can't help getting her cool stuff.
Fine, but I get final approval before you give it to her!
Haha, no way Lopez, this ain't about you, this is between me and Sophie Mayhem
Oh God... all right Puckerman, but you're staying the hell away from her when she hits puberty because I don't want her to come home from a visit with you with a tramp stamp on.
We'll talk about it when the time is right... So how are you, really?
Santana let out a sigh.
I don't know Puck. I don't know how I am. Part of me wants to kick her ass, another part wants to just run away and pretend it never happened, the Snixx in me is furious and livid and wants to confront her and make her cry and another part just wants to hold her. So I don't fucking know.
Yeah I figured... It was a ballsy move showing up just like that. She called me today, asked if we could get together.
Puck's tone was casual, but Santana knew he was just waiting to see how she'd react. She tried to keep her voice neutral.
Have fun, then.
If you want me to tell her to back off, I will.
Look, I can't worry about this right now. Sophia has school tomorrow and I have to fix Mercedes' stunt. Just do whatever you want Puck, you do that anyways.
Didn't mean to get Snixx on the line, but you know I love you. I'll call you when I'm in New York. Later Lopez.
Later Puckerman.
Santana took a deep breath as she put her phone down. She knew her friends were worried about her, but she didn't like how they all knew her so well. I can't do this right now. She closed her laptop a little harder than she meant to, and went downstairs to get some tea. She normally didn't like to take pills, but she knew she wouldn't be able to fall asleep today without a little pharmaceutical help.
The pill worked its magic, and Santana slept all night. She was woken up by her alarm at 6 am, took a quick shower and went to wake up Sophia to start their day. She left Sophia at her school and went to the office. When she drove into her designated spot, she killed the engine and took a minute to regroup before walking in. It was just another Monday, but at the same time it was so much more than that. It was the start of a new era in her life, an era that had new memories of the blonde in it. And she needed to walk past it and continue kicking ass her own way. She couldn't help but remember another moment in her life when she felt a new era starting.
Sophomore year
It's a new school year, and the first day jitters couldn't be more different for Santana. Last year she was nervous because she was starting at a new school and didn't really know anyone. This year, she's starting with the ultimate status symbol: A Cheerios uniform and a star football player. She carefully arranges her ponytail before kissing her parents goodbye and walking out of the house, where Puck is waiting to walk to school together. When they get to school, Puck walks off to greet his football friends and throw some kids in dumpsters, and Santana rushes over to wait for Quinn and Brittany at their lockers. She has perfected the Cheerio strut: Head held high, arched back, eyes locked on a distant dot, not really looking at anyone. Halfway through the hall, she hears Coach Sue yelling.
"CHARO, in my office." Santana doesn't skip a beat, she just turns around and walks straight to Sue's office and sits down. Sue is by the door. "Wait here." She leaves again and Santana is left to nervously jig her leg.
After a few minutes, Sue walks in with Quinn and Brittany in tow. Santana's face breaks into a huge smile as her friends sit down to either side of her. Sue sits down behind her desk and reclines all the way back, staring at them.
"Alright, as you are all well aware, Brandy graduated, so now I have no Head Cheerio. We have tryouts this Friday so that means I have four days to make a decision."
The girls all look at each other, not really knowing what is happening. Quinn takes a deep breath and plasters on her best Quinn smile.
"Well Coach Sylvester, I know we are only sophomores, but I am willing to bet that you won't find a more suitable candidate than me. With Brittany and Santana's help, we can steer the Cheerios into even greater things and make sure to live up to the competition standards we are accustomed to."
"I don't doubt that, Q. You remind me of a young Sue Sylvester, except for the eyes. So here's the deal. I am making you Head Cheerio on a trial basis. Let's see how you handle the squad in the next few months and if you're really up to it. And you two. You'll be second in charge and I expect great things from you. Do not disappoint me. Understood?"
All three girls nod, and Sue dismisses them from the office. The girls wait until they get to the bathroom to scream and jump around, celebrating this new achievement. Santana is happy for Quinn, as she told her, but she is also disappointed it hadn't been her. Why? Why had Sue chosen Quinn over her? Was it because she was blonde? At least, she argued, she was still at the top and now they had more power to rule over the school.
During the next few days, everyone in the school knew about the new HC, and treated the girls with even more deference. Puck decides to throw a party in his basement that Saturday, and starts to plan it all out.
That Friday after tryouts, Brittany comes over to Santana in the locker room after everyone left. Santana is packing her bag, as Brittany sits on the bench beside her.
"Hey San."
Santana smiles and zips her bag. "Hi, what do you think of our new Cheerios?"
Brittany shrugs. "They're alright I guess, it was their first practice so they were probably very nervous. I remember I was a mess that first day, too."
Santana chuckles. "Yeah, me too. It was all a big blur, really."
"Except for the part where you helped me with my initials." Brittany nudges Santana, who blushes slightly.
"I do remember that…"
"so, um, do you have plans for dinner tonight?"
Santana furrows her brow. "Not really, why?"
"Well, Jeff asked me out on a date, but I don't want to go alone, so I was wondering if you could come with Puck, so you can stop me from saying something stupid."
"Stop Britt, you don't say stupid things, you know that…"
Brittany half smiles. "People laugh at me sometimes when I speak, and I don't want that to happen again."
"Well, it won't, cause I'll beat anyone who dares to laugh at you, Britt. And don't ever think that what you say is stupid ok? Cause I think you're pretty smart."
Brittany looks up at Santana, and her blue eyes are welling up. Santana reaches out to her friend and puts her arms around her. Brittany could only whisper a small "thanks" into Santana's hair. When they let go, Santana wipes Brittany's eyes with her thumb.
"So where are we meeting the boys?"
After a quick text to Puck, who readily agrees, the girls go to Brittany's house to get ready for dinner. They meet the boys at a burger joint and sit in a booth by the corner.
Jeff is a linebacker on the football team, so he's tall and well built. He has reddish hair, dark eyes and a leering smile that always makes Santana feel uneasy. Luckily, the boys are deep in conversation about the game, which gives Santana a chance to relax and look away from Beefy Jeff.
Brittany leans in to speak to her. "He's sort of cute, right?"
Santana gives him a cursory once over and shrugs. "He's alright for the moment, Britt. But you can do much better." She looks at the blonde shyly, and senses a blush creeping up her neck. She's thankful her tanned skin hides it, but she knows Brittany noticed, because the blonde smiles and playfully nudges her with her shoulder while whispering "thanks, San".
They hear a wolf whistle from Jeff, who turns to the girls while stretching on the booth. "Hey, you girls ever think about making out?" He raises an eyebrow and smiles that leering smile that makes Santana squirm in her seat. Brittany just chuckles and looks away, while Puck looks interested.
Santana recovers and straightens up. "Keep dreaming Beefy, you couldn't handle two girls making out, you'd ruin your good pants." She crosses her arms as Jeff and Puck look speechless. When the food comes, they dive in and eat in silence for a while, until Puck mentions something about a football game and the boys start talking again. Santana is forcing the food down her throat while trying to look unconcerned, but Jeff's comment keeps replaying in her mind. She nearly jumps out of her skin when Brittany lays a delicate hand on her knee under the table and rubs her thumb while glancing sideways at the Latina, concern in her eyes. Santana looks at her, relaxes her brow and starts chewing exaggeratedly to make Brittany laugh. With Brittany's hand on her knee for the rest of the meal, Santana feels considerably more relaxed, Jeff's comment now forgotten as her heart fills with gratitude for the blonde, who noticed her mood change when no one else did. It was the first moment she felt something inside her shifting, opening her heart without even realizing she was doing it to the tall blonde girl with the sparkly blue eyes.
Present Day, 1 month later
Thursday nights were beef stew nights for Santana and Sophia. This particular Thursday, Santana had spent the last 3 hours arguing with Freddy Leone, the up and coming actor, who Santana had just discovered had a pretty bad drug addiction. Santana wanted him on rehab ASAP or she would dump his ass, and Freddy was adamant that a little coke and weed here and there never hurt anyone so she should chill. His manager was also there, trying to diffuse the situation because he knew that having Santana Lopez as his publicist would do wonders for Freddy's career. In the end, they had reached a compromise: Freddy would lay off the coke and only smoke weed for the next month, and Santana would try to get him a part in an HBO series that was rumored to be the next Game of Thrones. Santana wasn't happy and she knew Freddy would turn to coke again, but there wasn't anything else she could do at this point. She vowed that after getting him the stint in the HBO show, she'd drop out of their deal, whatever it cost.
When she got to Sophia's school, she was fuming, but seeing her little one bounce up and down as she raced to give her a hug always put work in the back burner. "Hola, mi amor!" She hugged Sophia and peppered kisses all over her face as Sophia giggled. "Mamiiiiiiiiii, llegaste!" Santana took Sophia's backpack, spent a few minutes talking to her teacher, then buckled Sophia in the back seat and started the car, Sophia rattling on excitedly about her day.
"And then during picture time, Ms. Brenda said that we were going to start dance classes next week! And I drew a picture of us dancing like we do at tías Quinn y Rachel's and Ms. Brenda said I was going to be a natural in the class and then Joel spilled glue on his picture and he cried." She finished her story dramatically, waiting to see Santana's reaction to the news of Joel crying. Santana raised her eyebrows in mock shock as she looked at Sophia in the rearview mirror. "And what did you do when Joel cried?"
Sophia looked out the window and shrugged. "Nothing, really, I just looked at him and then kicked Crissy under the table when she started to laugh at him."
"Why did you kick her, mija?"
"Because she was being mean, ma, and you said I can't let anyone be mean to my friends." Sophia looked back at Santana, who involuntarily smiled.
"That's true mija, you shouldn't let anyone be mean to your friends, but you shouldn't have kicked Crissy either, you should've used your words instead."
Sophia inhaled as she frowned, deep in thought. "I guess you're right mommy." She let out a long sigh before perking up and clapping her hands, as she remembered something else. "Mom! Today is Thursday!"
Santana nodded and smiled. "Yes it is, Sophe."
"That means it's beef stew night!" Sophia started doing a little dance that made Santana laugh.
"Exactly, beef stew night, here we come!"
"Can we have it in bread bowls like we had it that time?" Sophia looked at Santana with her big hazel eyes sparkling. Shit, I never should've gotten those bread bowls…
A few Thursdays ago, Santana had been in the grocery store before picking up Sophia and she had seen these huge bread rolls and remembered when once at Brittany's house they had eaten beef stew in bread bowls and how good they had tasted. She decided to take them home and try it out and Sophia had liked it so much she had been asking for bread bowls ever since. She had been able to thwart it the past few weeks thinking Sophia would forget, but it was obvious the girl had a one track mind. Just like me, damn… Santana chuckled as she nodded again.
"Ok mija, we can have bread bowls, that means we have to stop at the grocery store real quick." Sophia let out a squeal as she continued her little dance, moving in time with the music, so Santana turned up the radio to let Sophia let loose.
15 minutes later, Santana was pulling up to the grocery store. Sophia went to grab a cart, but Santana shook her head. "Not today Sophie, we are only getting bread bowls, so we don't need a cart, we just need a basket, like this one!" She picked up a shopping basket and presented it to Sophia, who looked back at the cart, dejected. "So no sitting in the cart?"
"No, not this time. But you can carry the basket if you want…" Sophia smiled and grabbed the big basket, holding it up with both hands with her tongue out. Santana laughed. "If it's too heavy I can carry it Sophia."
Sophia shook her head as she grunted. "I got it, ma." Santana rolled her eyes and put her hand behind Sophia's back to lead her into the store. She's SO my daughter…
After they got the bread rolls, Santana remembered a couple more things she needed, so to Sophia's delight, she let her grab a cart and sat her in it, with the bread rolls firmly in her grasp. Santana was letting Sophia pick the cereal for the week when she heard a very familiar voice behind her that gave her chills.
"Santana?"
Santana gripped the cart furiously and closed her eyes as if she'd been knocked in the head. It couldn't be. She turned around and couldn't process the familiar blue eyes sparkling right at her. Brittany was carrying a half-full basket in one elbow and had a box of Crunch Berries in her hands. She was darting her eyes from Santana to Sophia and twisting her ankle. Sophia was looking curiously at this stranger and looking back at her mom confused at what was happening. Santana shook her head and cleared her throat before finding her voice.
"Um, hi, what – um, what are you—?"
Brittany took a tentative step forward and put the cereal box in her basket.
"I, uh, I just moved here a week ago…" She looked at Sophia and smiled. "Hi."
Sophia looked at Brittany and raised her eyebrows, a gesture so familiar to Brittany, she couldn't help but chuckle.
Santana composed herself. "Um, Sophia, this is um Brittany." A beat. "A friend of mine." Sophia looked at her mom and then at Brittany. "Sophia, what do you say?"
Sophia started wringing her wrists as she took a deep breath. "Nice to meet you."
Brittany smiled and crouched so she was at eye level with Sophia. "It's nice to meet you too, Sophia. Has anyone told you that you look exactly like your mom? I like your hair." Sophia blushed.
Santana gave her a little nudge. "Thank you." Sophia then extended a hand to touch Brittany's hair. "I like your hair, too."
Now it was Brittany's turn to blush. "Why, thank you!" Brittany straightened up and looked at Santana, who was still trying to figure out the situation. Brittany glanced at their cart and smiled. "Bread rolls?"
Santana smiled back, as Sophia nodded and chimed in. "It's Thursday! We have beef stew on Thursdays and mommy said we could have bread bowls."
Brittany laughed and Santana felt her heart climb up to her throat. "Can't believe you still do that…"
Sophia looked confused. "Do what?"
Santana turned to her daughter. "Um, it was Brittany's mom who taught me how to make beef stew, and she used to make it every Thursday, too."
Sophia let out an "oh…" and looked up at Brittany. "Do you still have Thursday beef stew in your house?"
Brittany crouched back to look at Sophia. "When I go home to see my mom, we have beef stew on Thursdays, too. But I don't live with my mom like you do, and I never learned how to make it, so I have something else on Thursdays."
Sophia scrunched up her face, deep in thought for a moment. She then pulled on Santana's sleeve so she could whisper in her ear. "Can we give her some beef stew, mom?" Her whisper carried through to Brittany who froze looking up at an equally startled Santana.
Santana turned to her daughter. "Um, not today mija, maybe some other time, ok?"
Brittany tried to hide the look of disappointment, but Santana saw it. Sophia frowned. "But today is Thursday…"
"Sophia, not today, I'm sure Brittany already has plans." She looked pointedly at Brittany who quickly nodded.
"Um, yeah, I can't today Sophie, sorry."
Sophia shrugged and said "okay."
Santana turned to leave but stopped. "Uh, guess I'll see you around?"
Brittany nodded, trying to fight back tears. "Yeah, um, take care, ok?" She then turned to Sophia and waved. "Bye Ms. Sophia!"
Sophia waved back and smiled. "Bye!" Santana wheeled the cart around and didn't stop until she got to the register. She let out the breath she had been holding in and willed her hands to stop shaking. Sophia looked up at her mom with concern. "Estás bien, mami?"
Santana swallowed hard. "Si, estoy bien, don't worry, baby." She forced a smile. "Wanna help me put the stuff in the counter?" Sophia nodded and started passing the items to Santana.
It took them twice as long as usual to get back home because Santana couldn't focus on the road, her mind still swimming with her encounter with Brittany. God, what is she doing here? I thought she'd go back to wherever after the Shuester's thing. Fuck. When she got home, she went into auto pilot, cooking dinner with Sophia, eating their bread bowls while listening more about Joey crying during picture time, giving her a bath while singing and finally cuddling in the couch watching a movie until she could feel Sophia slide into a deep sleep. She carried her daughter to her bed and tucked her in, watching her for a few minutes. Santana then traipsed back to the kitchen and took out a beer from the fridge. She normally didn't drink during the week, but what the hell, she needed to unwind. She flopped down on the couch and channel surfed until finally stopping at a Friends' rerun. She didn't know how to feel about seeing Brittany, or at the knowledge that she lived a hell of a lot closer than freaking Australia. She picked up her phone, looked at the time and decided it wasn't too late to call Quinn.
Awake?
Sure, just put the boys to bed. What's up?
You won't believe who I just ran into at the grocery store…
Celebrity?
Nope, blast from the past. Fucking floored me, too.
No idea, San.
Brittany.
A beat.
Oh
That's all you have to fucking say? Oh?
Santana could hear Quinn squirming and readjusting her position.
Well, now, don't get mad at me, but I sort of knew Brittany was moving here.
Santana had to control herself not to scream out and wake up Sophia.
Quinn. What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Saying.
We've sort of kept in touch after the Shuesters' party, and she mentioned that she was thinking about moving here and opening up a dance studio, so I guess she did.
Why the hell didn't you tell me something? Jesus, you could've given me a heads up or something, Quinn!
I had no idea it was gonna be so soon San, and you said that you didn't want to know anything about her, so I figured –
FUCK Quinn!
Look, don't go all Snixx on me ok? You're a big girl now, and so is she. I'm SURE New York is big enough to accommodate both of you. Just because she's in the same city doesn't mean you have to see her if you don't want to ok? Next time you're at the grocery store just be on the lookout for blondes.
Real fucking funny, Fabray. Just do me a favor and DON'T talk to her about my life. I can't deal with that right now.
Quinn let out a breath, happy that Santana was calming down a bit.
Seems fair, I promise I won't.
And pass along the request to your dwarf, ok? She has the biggest mouth after Trouty, and if I find out she's been talking to her about me, you'll be stuck raising two boys on your own.
Quinn rolled her eyes.
I'll tell Rachel, don't worry.
Good. I gotta go.
I'll call you tomorrow and maybe we can get together for lunch or something.
Yeah, whatever Q, bye.
Santana clicked off her phone and dropped it on the couch. She took another swig of her beer before getting up and going to her bedroom. She undressed and stood under the hot shower for a while, letting the warm water fall on her shoulders and take away some of the stress. It wasn't working. She climbed out of the shower, threw on her terry cloth robe and went out on her balcony, reveling on the warm breeze. She lit up a cigarette and leaned on the banister, deep in thought. She thought back on the last real conversation she had with Brittany so many years ago, after graduation. They were both in Santana's room; they had just made love and were cuddling in bed, Santana happily resting her head on Brittany's shoulder while the blonde caressed her arm.
"Britt, I think we need to talk about something."
Brittany let out a sigh. "Is this about Lord Tubbington cheating on Lady Tubbington?"
Santana frowned. "No, Britt, I want to talk about us." She straightened up and sat crossed legged facing Brittany. "Um, you know I'm leaving for Columbia in a week, and you have that dance program in Sidney next month." Brittany nodded. "And so far we've gone on like nothing's gonna change, but, the truth is that everything is gonna change now. We're gonna be so far apart, Britt." Santana reached out to hold Brittany's hand, who was still looking at her with a frown.
"I don't understand, San, what are you saying?"
Santana squeezed Brittany's hand and took a deep breath, fighting back the tears that were threatening to come out at any moment. "I'm saying I'm scared, Britt. I'm scared of what's gonna happen to us, to this." She pointed between both of them and Brittany stood up straighter, caressing Santana's arm again.
"I'm scared, too. But I think it's a good scared." Santana's eyebrows shot up. "See, we're going to be learning new stuff and in a new city, and that's scary but also exciting. And it's gonna suck not having you there with me, but I love you so much that you're always with me." Brittany smiled at the Latina.
"I love you so much, too Britt. But what happens if I lose you?" Santana's voice cracked at the end of that sentence and she couldn't fight the tears anymore. She started sobbing and Brittany hurried forward to hug her. Santana sunk her face into Brittany's shoulder and got lost in her embrace, where she had always felt safe. Brittany started moving her hand up and down Santana's back whispering comforting things in her ear and letting the Latina cry. "Shhh, San, let it all out babe, I'm here. Shhh" After a few minutes, Santana cleared her throat and wiped her eyes. She snuggled closer to Brittany and buried her head in the crook of the blonde's arm. Brittany kissed the top of her head.
"San, we're gonna be ok. You'll go kick ass at Columbia and I'll go dance like crazy in Sidney and it'll all work itself out. We love each other and you know that I believe that because of that, anything is possible." Santana just nodded and tried to get even closer to Brittany, whispering "I love you" against the blonde's chest over and over.
They slept in each other's arms that night, neither of them really sleeping, but neither wanting to break the spell by talking. In the morning, they said good bye at the door and Santana kissed Brittany like she hadn't kissed her before, wanting to say things with the kiss that she couldn't bring her voice to say. They whispered "I love you" to each other and Brittany cupped Santana's cheek and smiled a sad smile before turning around and getting in her car. Santana watched the car disappear in the distance and then sunk to her knees and disappeared amidst racking sobs. Maribel came rushing when she heard Santana cry and just kneeled beside her daughter and held her. "She's gone, ma, I lost her." Santana had no idea why she said it, it was just a feeling she had. Maribel tried to comfort her, kissing her head and stroking her arm. "No pienses eso, mi niña, todo va a estar bien. You'll be ok, mi amor, you haven't lost her."
Snapping back to reality, Santana exhaled slowly. "But I did lose her…" She was crying, but couldn't remember when it started. Her heart still ached when she thought about that day, and now it ached again knowing that Brittany was back in her life, one way or another, and she didn't know what was going to happen, or if she actually wanted her in her life. She stubbed out the cigarette and got in bed. But it took her a few hours to finally fall asleep.