Enjoy, sweethearts.
xx
Arcadia Bay didn't have much in the way of car variety and make. Most of them were minivans or wagons or whatever kind of car mostly designed for families. I wouldn't be able to name them, and I'm mostly certain 'wagon' wasn't even a term. Big bulky vans mostly cruised up and down the streets carrying children or parents coming home from work and on their way to picking up the children or grabbing groceries or taking little league soccer players to the park. I could count every two out of four from the flow of traffic passing past the road in front of Blackwell on normal days but for some reason almost all of the cars that passed by now were pickup trucks. The bright and shiny ones or the older, smoother ones or the shoddy loud ones and some of them had glossy paint and others had calmer ones and the people inside differed too. The younger ones were usually in the shiny ones.
I could still count on one hand how many family vans passed by since I started watching and yet none of the big pickup trucks cruising by snarled like the wild beast Chloe drove me in yesterday. None of them gave off thick gusts of smoke and none of them looked like a balled up paper ball painted in sand. No ashtrays no graffiti no weird black suited bobble head on the dashboard. And no blaring sun manning the creaky wheel and stomping the pedal to the floor.
I held my chin in my hands, pressing my lips with my fingers until eventually I nibbled on them. My whole body fidgeted with my tapping legs jutting up at the knees like little mountains. Even with the few yards distance from the campus lawn to the road the trucks looked real big from the ground. Real big and frustratingly unfamiliar.
Ugh.
She hates me. Chloe totally hates me. Of course she does why shouldn't she? I ditched her and then came back and secretly considered trying to supersneak this last year at Blackwell without talking to her at all. Although I didn't dare tell her that. Barely even admitted it to myself. And I still hadn't given her a reason why I disappeared and I definitely didn't have enough guts to tell her but I still wanted to see her. As fucked up and bold as that was, knowing my aversion to my own best friend and trying to have nothing to do with her until I was free from Blackwell and could fly off to whatever decent University I could hopefully get into with the recommendations I planned to gather and just return to being that one best friend she knew once when we were kids.
Actually acknowledging that really is fucked up. Max you're an asshole.
Oh my gosh I'm an asshole.
I went out to look for a phonebook but would I have even called? No.. of course not. I'm SuperMax, or Super-Lax(itive) because my guts were mushier than overdone mashed potatoes. Of course I wouldn't have called. Who was I kidding?
So now I'm Super-Ass too because after all that I have the nerve to be growing restless at the thought of not seeing Chloe before the day ended. I already sat through-or zoned through-my first three classes and only Photography was left. But how outrageous could I be? To skip out on her right after her dad died and force her to go through five years of nothing before ever seeing my face again and then sit here nearly jumping out of my shoes to resolve what we left unfinished after she rightfully stormed off on me and left me hanging only on that image for not even one whole day.
Chloe must've had books worths of things she wanted answered and probably even more of things she wanted to say. Or scream, or beat into me. Five whole years of unresolved emotions and questions I made her wait through and I couldn't even handle half a day.
You're a jerk, Max. A total giant jerkbag.
Maybe it was best if Chloe didn't show up. There wasn't even the slightest chance that she would and even if I could dare come near her house to apologize I didn't think I had the right. I definitely didn't have the right. I let her down. Any kind of contact between us now had to be on her terms. She certainly didn't have any say in it five years ago. Maybe I could write her a letter though. To at least apologize. She deserved that much. And if she never responded that'd be fine. I wouldn't ask for any less. I'd have to go to that General store again though.
Shudder.
I'll just try the public library this time to see if I can get my hands on a phonebook.
A phonebook.
Are we using that excuse again?
No seriously. I didn't know if Chloe wanted to see my face after that. She always liked her space whenever she got upset when we were kids. She'd storm off or push me away if I tried to make her feel better. It was hardly ever between us, but it was never personal when she shrugged off for a while to calm down. I caught wind of it quickly and always loved giving Chloe her space when she needed it. It made me feel like I was being a good friend, like I was helping her feel better. And the reward was always so great when she came back. She'd be kind of flushed and her eyes would be a little hot still, but her smile would be back or it'd be peeking. And she always shot a grin at me. Her special grin just for me, and she'd say "Thanks, Max. You're the best." and I never knew what I did, even now. But it always tickled me so pink I couldn't stop smiling for the next few hours.
This Chloe probably wouldn't come back looking like that. She'd probably still look murderous, but I'd take a chance and say she probably still liked her space. So I'll give it to her.
Happily.
But I will write her that letter. It'd probably be one of the most insulting things I could do but any decision I made would probably be a wrong one. And I already did nothing long enough. Chloe deserved a little effort. At least. And some groveling. She'd probably enjoy some groveling.
Someone shook my shoulder and the world popped into life like a bubble, poked with a needle. My heart jumped and the wind was suddenly really loud and laughter sounded in the distance. Subtle buzzing sounded somewhere behind me and the roar of the students running around campus registered to me. I smelled the sweetness of the trees and the gentle sway of the trunk pressed up against my back. I barely noticed it was kind of cold out here. And the weight of numerous eyes pushed down on me.
Something flashed and my vision went white for a while.
"Max, you listening?"
"W-what?"
Evan eyed me curiously. Concern seeping in through the corners of his bold-rimmed glasses which he pushed up with a finger as he sat back down on his calves.
"You totally zoned on me." he said, still cradling his photography textbook in his lap, butterflied to the subchapter on angles.
I felt like I blinked endlessly and the concern only washed more deeply on his face as the little circle around me rippled with movement.
"You ok Max?" Warren asked beside me, placing a warm palm on my shoulder. I nodded, inching it off as politely as I could.
"Where'd you flutter off to?" Kate asked, her soft smile on her lips and her homework in her hands. She had her legs crossed to the side because of her skirt and she looked really graceful. Real dainty and gentle, and the grass hugged her ankles. Stella nudged her in the shoulder, snickering and holding out her camera to show her something.
"I'm calling it Dreamer's Despair. Fitting?"
"It's rude to take pictures of people without their permission, Stella." Kate softly chided and Stella's whole body visibly went limp and she groaned a great exaggerated groan.
"Relax Mama Kate I'm not adding it to my portfolio. It'd probably ruin my chances of getting into the School of Visual Arts… No offense Max."
"You took a picture of me?"
"Dude, quit being a sniper, Stella! It's the likes of you that give us photographers a bad name."
"Can it, Evan. You're always long-shotting people in the park."
"I ask after,"
"Yea, after."
"Asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission." Evan stated, his young mug slightly indignant. "If they say no I delete it after."
"You're both losers if you ask me." Brooke deadpanned from behind me. I looked over my shoulder and caught the dirty old converse leading up to her ripped tights and her pink pullover sweater. She had her huge remote screen in her hands and focused on it intently. "Snapping people living actual lives. Why don't you get your own."
The buzzing moved, fading away and Brooke lifted her head in the same direction and followed something with her eyes before dropping them back to her screen.
Someone scoffed and when I looked, Stella and Evan were eyeing her with blank faces.
"This coming from the girl that stalks the whole school on her drone all day."
"W-what the hell!" someone yelped across the yard and a boy jumped out from his group of friends dashing helplessly. "Qu-quit it! Get away!"
His friends stared, as a black and white drone buzzed behind him, nearly bumping him on his head a bunch of times but never touching.
An evil cackle trickled behind me and Kate, Evan, and Stella aimed slightly scandalized expressions over my head. I looked too, and so did Warren and after a while Brooke looked up from her laughter.
Her bright grin slid off her face.
"It's for research." she said. Fiddling with the control and her drone came buzzing back into sight.
"Max are you ok?" Evan asked after shaking the disbelief out of his face. "You looked freaked."
"I'm fine, I just had a lot on my mind."
"Like what?"
"Photos." Stella cut in.
"That's not all I-"
"Actually, photography isn't all Max thinks about." Kate offered, eyeing me graciously and I could only grimace as a response to her smile.
A highly tickled laugh came out of Brooke. "What else is there, boys?"
I nursed a hand to me head. Thought I felt a migraine starting. Stella burst into laughter and Warren perked up next to me and Evan shook his head.
"Max thoroughly enjoys air."
"Lame." Stella murmured and Kate quickly chastised her and Warren deflated and Brooke went back to her drone and Evan just shook his head again.
"Max, ignore these ignoramuses for our sanity." agreed Evan. "What's on your mind?"
"Nothing." I tried but he only gave me a look. A don't bullshit me look. It looked like Kate's I know you didn't do your homework look. Except it was less scary. And less guilt inducing. Which was a mindtwister because she looked so forgiving when she did it. Like.. what? "Nothing that matters."
What a lie. Of course it mattered. But admitting to it would require explanation and a whole lot of sharing that I just did not feel up to doing. Evan was great and we talked about photography all the time-everytime actually. But it was the only thing we had in common, besides that I didn't know him much.
I could tell he felt the same because whenever we broached a sensitive topic, which required either of us to be vulnerable-usually me-he'd back right off when I made it clear I didn't want to continue. And by make clear I meant awkwardly bumble rather than speak. I liked that about him though. He was just the perfect kind of distant, far enough to feel safe without being too detached. I didn't have to worry about him asking too many questions.
Which he did now, faithfully, and cleared his throat. "Right. Ok, well, we're still going up to the film event at the park in a few weeks right? They're going to be discussing the power of camera tricks."
"Of course," I said, with a bunch of enthusiasm. Which mostly came from being so relieved that he changed the subject. Good Evan, you're a great friend. "It should totally help a lot with making our shots a whole lot realer and profound."
Film was probably a different beast altogether from photography despite both of them having to do with cameras, but I took inspiration from everywhere and film could be a whole different goldmine I could use to make my work better. Plus it would probably be a ton of fun getting to learn how things work and just getting to know the behind the scenes of an art that makes magic. That was the cool thing about art, any art, all of it was magical.
"Speaking of which, when are you going to show me your stuff? I already showed you mine, twice."
I scratched my neck. "Yea, guess I'm just not ready to show anyone yet."
"Still? We've been freaking about photography together for months."
"It's not a personal thing, it's just-"
"Don't get me wrong Max I'm not pushing. It just makes me wonder how you plan to excel your photography career if you can't even share one with someone you've known for a little while already. People don't thrive in our work by holing their pictures up in a cupboard. You have to put yourself out there."
I didn't know what to say to that so I just nodded instead of replying. Kate watched me observantly. She was one of the few who'd seen my pictures. Before we started sharing our stuff she first saw them on my wall, when I finally let her in. It took such a long time to let her in too and I even debated covering it up every time she visited but I got a hold of myself before I could do it.
Her face lit up with wonder when she saw it, I remember that. And I felt so icky and weird and naked behind her. Shut the door so quick too when she came in. I totally thought she was freaking out about how bad it was, I almost hyperventilated. Well, I was breathing really hard anyway. But when she finally finished drinking everything in she turned to me with such an honest smile I couldn't look at it for too long.
"It's just.. So…"
"Personal." Evan finished, and something fluttered in me. He felt that too? Of course he did. He's a photographer. But it felt so good having someone feel the same as I did. I thought I was alone. "Doubtless, it's personal. For some it's the rawest glimpse into the soul. But that's what makes it so wondrous. Expression should be expressed, Max. What is life but an empty canvas without it?"
I wanted to mull it over, but it felt too close for me to let it even closer. Too real and alive, I'd have to come back to it later when it was less daunting and more benign.
Stella snorted. "Ok, Aristotle."
"I'm just saying Max. Think about all the photographers whose work touched you. It's doubtless all of them were brutally honest work. Imagine how unchanged you would be if they decided to never share it."
"Besides that, where do you think you're going to be if you never put your work out there?" Stella said. "How do you expect to get into any of the college programs after high school if you can't even show anyone a simple picture? I know the schools you're thinking about applying to, Max. They're not just going to let you in for a pretty mission statement and a shiny recommendation."
"Can we not make this stress-out-Max day?"
Oh thank goodness.
I could've hugged Warren for stepping in for me.
"Everyone takes things at their own pace. Max is just dealing with things on hers. She'll get out of it. Right Max?" he encouraged. Bumping my shoulder and I attempted a nod. Right, maybe.
I just had a sinking pit in my stomach now but I felt better after Warren joined in. He was such a good friend, always so supportive in everything. He stayed cracking cheesy jokes and nothing ever felt too heavy with him. He was like a ball of cotton candy that just made everything lighter whenever he was around. That's what made it easy to show him my photos. Partly because he didn't know much about it, but mostly because he felt safe. Like I could show him a blurry picture of some spilled cereal and he'd still say it rocked and genuinely mean it.
"She's got a great collection."
"She does." Kate nodded with gentle, calm conviction.
"Well we can talk about it when she womans up and shares it then." Brooke said, tenderly placing her drone back in her bag before sitting on the other side of Warren. "The job fair's around the corner and I've been eyeing every chance I could get to ditch campus."
"The jobs are going to be outside of school hours, we wouldn't be allowed to take any in the middle of the day." I said.
"Yea, duh." Brooke said. "I meant ditch campus any other time of the day. Some of the jobs are actually in the next town and I think it'd be really good for sanity to take a refresher from Arcadia Bay a couple hours out of the week."
"That sounds like a great idea, we should do that." Stella agreed, something lighting in her face while Brooke's face short circuited.
"Uh, no I meant I would go out. Alone. Outside of Arcadia Bay. I was going to ask if I could bum a ride from any of you when I do."
"I just got my new wheels," Warren threw out. "I can take you guys if you need a lift, it'd give me a great excuse to cruise around. It'll be fun. Max can choose the tunes, you got the dopest taste Max."
"As long as Kate isn't choosing. I'd fall asleep to that classical stuff before we even got there. No offense Kate. It's great study music though." Stella said and then turned to me. "It'd be great if you applied. It could be a good well of inspiration for you."
"I think I'll come too." Kate joined in. "It'll probably be a great experience venturing out of Arcadia Bay. Even if it's just in an office for a couple hours."
"Ugh. Don't jinx it, Kate." Stella complained. "We're gunna get awesome jobs. And maybe we can get Brooke to quit whining about climate change. It's not relevant to the topic, I'm just really bothered by it."
"I won't be joining you." Evan piped. "However I would appreciate the chance to document it, for practice."
Brooke deflated and the most forlorn look casted over her. "This is it then. This is how I will lose my mind."
"I have exciting news!" Mrs. Davies sang as the bell marked the beginning of class. I slunk into my seat just as she trotted up to her desk. "Blackwell Academy will be participating in the annual Aspiring Dreamer's competition at the end of the year."
The class reacted with mostly blank stares. Me included. Kate and I exchanged a look across tables and a lot of other students did the same except maybe one or two who rippled with a mixture of excitement and anxiety.
The what?
Victoria was one of the students who bristled with excitement-of course she was-and she perked up in her seat and pressed onto her table.
"No way." she said, eyes wide in disbelief and distant awe. "Only the top schools in the country can participate in that competition."
"Precisely, my Disagreeable Child." Mrs. Davies hooted, completely missing Victoria's flush of aggravation. "Only the best candidates are considered for the scholarship and only a handful of schools enter the competition. Each school enters five students."
Five students? Out of a whole school? Jeez, how demanding was this competition?
"One winner is chosen out of each group and they are offered a scholarship program to any of the prestigious Visual Arts Universities of their choosing. Each student must submit a photo in relation to a prompt sent to each school in the competition. Every school is given a different prompt and the students must capture the essence of that prompt with a single photo."
"Is it true the prompt is only one word?" Victoria asked. It was obvious the rest of us weren't even there anymore. Not in her head. She asked purely for herself, in a conversation that, to her, only contained two people.
Sometimes I wondered if she walked through life seeing empty space and her as the only life form on earth.
"It is!" Mrs. Davies cheered. "Just one word for one photo and the student's name attached to it. You'll be writing your Mission Statements as well and you'll put together a transcript with your recommendations but none of that will even be looked at until the winning photo is chosen."
Evan rose up in his seat in the front corner of the class. "So you'll be purely judged on…"
"The wonder you capture in your image, yes. The winner will be chosen solely on the message they'll convey through their lens… just magnificent isn't it?"
Class left me with a sunken hole in my stomach. She probably didn't mean it that way but Mrs. Davies made the Aspiring Dreamers competition feel like this giant steep mountain I had to crane my neck to see. It towered over me, shining in my face too bright for me to handle.
Convey a single word with one photo? That's it? I was nowhere near good enough to pull that off yet. But photos were worth a thousand words right? How could I tell the right ones with mine?
The thought stressed me out. That's a whole lot of pressure.
But the top schools. I'd get to learn from the greatest professors in the country and learn the craft like only a few people ever got to.
How badass would my pictures be after studying under all the top instructors to ever pick up a camera?
I'd be in heaven.
But there was no way I'd win that scholarship. The idea sounded nice though. To be able to study with the best, how great would that be? How absolutely and undeniably out of my league. What a dream, to study under stars and make galaxies.
Ugh, so I just replaced the crappy Chloe shaped twist in my gut with another crappy twist. Great. My whole body felt drained. Warren wanted to hang after school and watch some movies but I didn't feel up for it. I wanted to see Kate actually. Her presence always made me feel better when I started feeling shitty. It could've been the tea-she had a weird intuition for things and made tea when I'm upset-but her voice helped a lot too and her smile.
Kate was a warm blanket on a chilly winter night. She soothed the biting cold away and made your body stop aching from the shivers.
I looked up at the sun, it'd start setting in an hour. I really didn't have the energy to bus my way over to the library. It was a great deal closer than the General Store was but just the thought of venturing miles away from my bed made me even more tired.
I wanted to make things right with Chloe, but she probably needed space. I'll get a letter to her tomorrow with my apology. Then after that she'd be free to acknowledge or ignore me as she pleased. I'd be at her disposal now. Which she had every right to claim.
Asshole Max is officially on the road to redemption.
It felt a little better to at least be trying. Something I hadn't done at all in Seattle. The trying I did in Seattle was completely dropping Chloe from my life without a word. Which I did over time. I don't even remember when the super forced, obligatory and apologetic conversations full of excuses just turned into flat out ignoring her. I never liked thinking of her too much, the guilt would eat me up. And the questions; of why I was doing what I gradually decided to do. And why I could be so heartless as to do it to the one friend that ever became so dear to me in my life. Chloe was all I had at that age, the closest I ever had to a sister and my deepest friendship. Most of my memories were filled with Chloe. Her laugh, her jokes, her hair. Our park and her room and Joyce's food and William's laughter. Sometimes he told us stories before bed. Those were the nights we actually went to bed, because Chloe would fall right to sleep so she wouldn't be awake to keep me up. And I loved sleeping with Chloe so I never had a problem following behind her. The week was filled with visits, the weekends with sleepovers, and sometimes the sleepovers spilled into the other days too. Everything felt warm with Chloe, my insides. They were a warmth I hadn't felt again since I left. Life with Chloe made sense. A whole life with Chloe and not just the beginning of it. We were gunna rule the world together.
She meant the world to me. We were kids and she meant the world to me. And then William died and everything shattered.
Everything my little brain could comprehend. Chloe was young and she needed me, but I was just a kid too.
What could I have done?
xx