xx
'Yo Max! You comin' to the spot? Stella brought cards.'
I spent the first five minutes grimacing at my phone trying to make sense of the nonsense dancing in front of my sleep ridden eyes before I replied. Of course Stella was up, but why Warren was awake so early missed me completely. Why he was awake before I was, missed me completely.
I tried for a coherent response and tossed my phone aside. Wrenching myself out of bed was like lifting a boulder. I stretched, letting out a groan before wiping the rest of the sleep from my eyes. I had to get up and shower anyway. Kate was probably already up by now and I didn't know if she wanted to have tea before we joined the others.
But why was everyone up so early?
*Chirp Chirp*
'Cool. Never thought Kate could smell like anything other than a forest though. See you soon!'
What?
I scrolled up to my message and squinted: 'Out soon. Stinky Kate. Shower.' Whoops. I tapped a new one, laughing a little. 'SEEING Kate. Sorry. Showering then Kate then the tree. We'll see you in a bit.'
Kate was probably up already, which meant tea was brewing, so I slunk out of bed and grabbed an outfit. When I shoved out the door Kate's light was on and I grinned. Of course it was on. Between her and Stella, nobody got up earlier than they did. I made the shower a quick one and brushed also. I came back to my room to toss my PJ's and grab my photo bag. My phone chirped again but I just slipped it in my satchel. It was most likely Warren, and Kate and I were going to be on our way anyway. After tea. Kate's room smelled like mango and sweets today. And her smile was still as warm as always, happy to see to me. Like she'd been looking forward to it all morning.
She looked at everyone like that. She just.. Looked, like that actually. It was pleasant. She made people feel important just from looking at them. I think that's why Stella's nickname for her was Mama Kate. That and her other nurturing qualities.
Kate held a huge stainless steel thermos in her hands when she opened the door, and the moist warmth from the kettle in the corner plastered to me like a hug. I felt my whole body perk up.
It was super dorky to say, but being in Kate's room whenever tea was brewing made me feel nearly as giddy as when I woke up in Chloe's room to the smell of Joyce's cooking simmering through the door.
It meant the day was starting, in the best way.
"Morning Max!" she chirped and took me in a hug. I returned it, grinning as she stepped out and shut the door behind her. "Hope you don't mind if we have our tea session with the others this morning. I thought it'd be rude to keep them waiting."
"It's fine." I said, grabbing the little bag she handed me and following her toward the exit. The minute I smelled the mangos I figured as much. Mango was the only tea Stella drank, and she really liked it. She stuck her tongue out at all the others. And Warren didn't drink tea either way so he didn't really care. "It'll be good to bring a peace offering anyway, for coming late."
"She would've found something to hound us about either way. At least Warren's there."
"Oddly." it was still random that he was up so early. "Did you mind coming with me to the library later? The one in town. I still haven't gotten that phonebook yet."
"Sure thing. So you didn't find it at the General Store? I thought for sure it would've had one. There's so many things in there."
"Some stuff came up before I could find it. I don't really want to go back again until I have to."
"What happened?"
I felt my body cringing as Kate glanced at me between steps. The front lawn still glistened with dew when we came out, the sun gave it a pretty yellow gleam and the birds chirped in the trees.
The air was cool against my cheeks.
It felt nice.
And it quelled the churning starting up in my stomach at the images coming up in my mind. It wasn't life threatening or anything. It wasn't like Chloe pulled a gun on him or even the other way around. But she looked so volatile that day. And his shout was like the devil and his rage consumed his whole body and everything was just loud and vicious and noisy. Nothing dangerous happened but it was definitely intense and was probably the most spooked I felt in a really long time.
I could come back later, when the air in there didn't loom with shouts and threats, but not now. While the man's rage was probably still plastered to the walls and would only reignite if he saw me again so soon. And while Chloe's presence was probably plastered there too.
I don't know.
"Just some stuff." I decided on saying, but I hoped Kate wouldn't push. There was no way I'd say it and even if I did it'd ruin my mood for sure and I totally didn't need Stella jumping down my throat trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Evan may have been great at sensing boundaries, but Stella just didn't care. At least with Brooke she didn't care to ask, and Warren always knew that if I wanted him to know anything, I would've told him. "I don't… it wasn't anything huge."
But it was huge. Or at least too big. Too big of a thing to bother anyone with. It wasn't Mt. Everest big or Life Crisis big, but it was big enough to require more than the generic 'Oh, I see.' and 'Really? That's crazy!'.
It wasn't small enough to just bat away with a finger or laugh off until a new topic came like people usually did. It was huge and clunky like a giant cord that flopped everywhere if I tried to uncoil it. It was having to move your dresser huge. Or rearranging your bookshelf huge. It was emotional response huge and not just shallow conversation.
It was just a whole lot of work that just listening to was probably a burden. Kate didn't need to be burdened with drama, and she probably didn't want to. And it didn't matter. And I wasn't up for the nakedness that always came with telling people things.
Kate looked at me resigned, hovering with concern. Then she gave me a small smile and nodded.
"It's fine Max."
"Kate, Max!" Warren jumped up from the grass, and the thin green blanket underneath him and Stella, waving at us with a hand full of cards.
His green sweater hung off his body, thick and bulky with a big atom on the chest and a beanie that covered most of his hair except the little tufts coming out the sides. Stella wore a coat too, but hers zipped up the front and a pink scarf draped down around her neck. Warren had sweats on and Stella wore some soft looking pants that reminded me of a really plush towel.
Stella eyed us above her glasses, still holding her cards up to her face which she puckered in concentration. "Where's Brooke?"
"Brooke?" I said, as Warren moved his bag to make space for me in front of the tree and Kate sat down over the blanket, unscrewing the thermos and pulling little white cups from the bag we brought. Blue latex gloves fell out of his pack.
"Warren texted you to bring Brooke when you came."
Whoops.
"Brooke doesn't wake up for a few hours." Brooke slept the latest out of all of us.
"Which is why I had Warren text you to wake her up on your way over." Stella huffed and the crease in her forehead deepened as she grew disgruntled. "If you want things done right.."
"Why couldn't you wake her up?"
"I got up at 6 for community service. Warren and I went with the Service Club to clean the beach. Which is freezing in the morning by the way. Brooke wouldn't have came." that explained all the warm clothes. And the gloves. And what Warren's doing up so early. Stella most likely dragged him with her.
"You could've came after and woke her yourself."
"Brooke is a bear in the morning. Very much prepared to bite one's head off for disturbing the hibernation process. I would've been mauled." I blinked at her. Duh, that's why we let Brooke sleep. "Which was why I sent you in to waken the beast. To prevent injury to everyone-"
"To yourself,"
"However it's clear that plan has failed. If that wasn't mango tea I smell coming out of Kate's bottle we'd all be in trouble. Consequences would've been imminent."
"Consequences…" I muttered, unimpressed. "Like what?" really?
"I don't know. That's why we'd be in trouble. I'd have to think about it. Nagging probably."
Which she did all day anyway.
"Why do you want Brooke here anyway?"
Stella shrugged. Glaring down Warren as he sat back down and returned to his position, holding his cards up to his face. He was close enough that I could see them. But I didn't really look.
"I like when everyone's together."
"She just can't survive being alone-ow!" Warren rubbed his shin, pouting while Stella glared at him.
"Life's just better with friends." she stated, before thanking Kate when she set down the steaming tea at her knees. "Makes things funner."
"Even if they're seething at you?" Warren asked, flinching when Stella shot him another glare. "That's how Brooke would be if we dragged her here."
"She'd get over it."
"Ehhh, I don't know." Warren disagreed and I felt the same as he did. Brooke hated being disturbed. She would've been murderous.
"She would have." Stella nodded with simple conviction. "Maybe not after knocking a few heads around and letting some hours pass by but she would've. That's what friends do. Put up with each other's shit."
"Even if they drive you crazy?" I asked.
"Especially if they drive you crazy." Stella said. "I'm not highly experienced on the matter but I don't think a friendship is a real friendship unless you drive each other crazy."
"Good to know you're a real friend then." Warren said. Inching back and laughing when she wrenched her foot out to kick him again.
"I'm just saying. Real friends are the ones that stick around when you're difficult to deal with. Not just when it's easy. Anyone can stick around when it's easy."
Swallowing became hard for me for some reason, and I was thankful when Kate handed me a cup. I felt like I could hide my face in the steam if I focused hard enough.
"You're not wrong." Warren said.
"Duh, I'm not wrong." Stella scoffed. "You know some girls don't even fart in front of their boyfriends?"
…
What?
"What?" Warren and I asked.
"Yea! Like they totally keep it in and never let it out. Which! By the way creates quite the phenomenon in your large intestine if sustained for extended periods of time."
"Why are you saying this?" I asked. "And what girls have told you this?"
"I wasn't told, per say, as much as.. Became aware of the prospect, while sitting in during Brooke's behavioral research-"
"People stalking." Warren murmured to me under his cards and he yelped when Stella kicked him in the same spot.
"A bunch of girls just refuse to pass gas in front of their boyfriend. Like, they swear they'll never do it ever."
"Why does that matter?"
"It's everything that matters!" she freaked. "It's no wonder the relationships never last." because Stella was the master of relational physics. Stella who went to bed at 8pm because 'you can't stay in the library a whole hour before class unless you sleep early the night before' "What 'bond' can stand the test of time if you can't even be yourself around each other?"
"... By farting." Kate, said.. Genuinely confused. Oh jeez. She's gone and confused Kate. You don't just go and confuse Kate. You just don't do it!
I reached out and patted Kate on the knee.
"Not just farting!" Stella said, exasperated. "But the principal behind the farting."
"Farting poetically." I tried.
"I think Mrs. Davies finally cracked her." Warren said and Stella gave a great huff.
"Farting is an inherently honest act." I didn't know why, but my mind went back to that day in Mrs. Davies' class when she first introduced the new chapter. "Being comfortable enough to be annoying and doing things that would drive acquaintances away is what makes relationships so awesome to have. How boring would it be if you couldn't fart in front of your boyfriend or annoy the crap out of your friends? It wouldn't be a real connection then. It's all shallow. That's not love."
"So you take every chance you can get to annoy us because you love us?" Warren asked. Looking like he worked a science equation in his head. A hard one too because he actually struggled.
"I'm actually just naturally annoying. It's a part of me I can't help. Like a fart. But you guys stick around because you love me. And I show that part of myself because I feel like I can trust you guys. And it's awesome. Anyone else could've just left me in the dirt. Or I could've just been holding in my proverbial farts all this time building pressure in my intestines to the point that they begin to travel back upwards."
I think we all stared at her for five minutes straight. But I could've been wrong.
"Seriously. If you hold it long enough it absorbs back into your bloodstream and circulates through your lungs and the gases start to come out of your mouth with every breath."
"Oh jeez."
Kate caressed Stella's knee like a rambling baby she tried to lead into another room.
"The smell doesn't come out because it makes up just a fraction of the gas but the gas itself does come out and it's just ridiculous. That's why it's dumb to hold it in. Girls are dumb."
"Stella, honey, drink your tea. It's getting cold." Kate bided, staring at us with huge eyes. Warren and I just shrugged. Shaking our heads.
I didn't know how long we sat there, but a few hours in the rest of the school started waking up, which became evident by the gradual trickle of students off to the bus stop or the parking lot to get off campus.
Nobody stayed at school on the weekend.
Except us, apparently. But everyone was most likely going to the same places. The beach or Two Whales. Or whatever party pits kids my age flocked to nowadays. Might as well stay at school, if everyone would still be seeing each other. But that could've just been my loner tendencies. Maybe normal teenagers liked seeing each other out of school.
I liked seeing no one. Except Kate or Warren. Or Stella or Evan. Or Brooke. But Brooke not so often because she disliked people as much as I did. Did I dislike people? I just liked time away from them. Too many people make me sleepy. I need a nap after. Even if it's Warren or Kate. But I don't think I actively not like people just for existing. Not like Brooke. Brooke was someone best experienced in small doses. Unless you had the patience for it. Or she had the patience for you.
We played a couple card games throughout the morning. We'd get interrupted by a couple students asking if they could join in on some poker. To which I answered with a confused stare. And Stella rolled her eyes. We didn't know how to play poker. And we didn't have any interest in learning it either. We played Speed a bunch of times. Which Stella loved because she always won. And I hated because I process like a turtle. But Kate was surprisingly good at it. And Warren eventually started up some homework for Chemistry.
Brooke finally got up and found us just before noon, cheering happily in a monotone voice about how empty campus is. Stella got her to play Speed, at which point everyone else was all Speeded out and just drank what was left of the tea. Even Warren, but he was thirsty, and it tasted good. And it was cold by then so he could think of it as 'Really subtle mango juice.'
When the sun was up highest in the sky I tugged on Kate's sleeve and gestured for the bus stop. She took a second to comprehend before she nodded and excused us.
Warren took convincing to stay put but Brooke and Stella didn't feel like going to the library. Stella more so. Brooke just hated the idea of going out into the public. Kate left her thermos with them before coming with me to the bus stop.
"So this best friend. Chloe."
How did she? Oh yea.
"How long has it been since you last talked?"
Counting from two days ago or counting from before that?
"Well… not counting the other day.." why'd I cringe when I said that? "Five years."
Kate whistled. "Wow." I nodded. Pursing my lips. "No wonder you're so nervous."
What? Did I act nervous?
"You look troubled by it. It explains your zone out yesterday."
"People zone sometimes."
"They don't zone into a realm of anxious panic." Kate paused. Stopping with me by the bus sign and grew thoughtful. "Actually a lot do. But you don't unless you have something on your mind."
The air wasn't as cold as it was in the morning, and the sun felt good on my face. And it would've been the best excuse to be distracted and inch away from her if I didn't feel Kate's gentle gaze patiently waiting for my attention. Patiently waiting. Ugh.
"Since you spoke to each other the other day and you're still venturing out to grab a phonebook just to reach her I'm going to assume things didn't go so smoothly between you."
I cringed. "It didn't." I said, exhaling. And it felt so good to say. In a painful kind of way. "She stormed off and I don't know if she wants anything to do with me or if I even have the right to try talking to her."
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know." I mean I was never sure about anything I did in life. "I was going to write her a letter. Which is probably the dumbest thing I can do with our history, but I don't know what else to do."
"You could go to her house."
"Yea…" I trailed off. Avoiding her eyes. "It crossed my mind."
"You said you left her behind." Kate recalled. "If she stormed off on you the other day then she's obviously still hurt about it. Max, you're here now. And she deserves more than a letter. Especially now that you're back in town."
"I know.. I just don't know where to start."
"I don't think anyone ever does. But you can start with sorry." I looked at her helplessly, and she just smiled at me encouragingly. "It's not glamorous, but you have to start somewhere."
A giant burbling engine pulled up at the curb and the large school bus threw shadow on the both of us. Kate didn't stop smiling and as the bus doors squeaked open she gestured to it with her chin.
"Go on." and I froze, staring at her frantically because dude, she totally just put me on the spot. And it felt like if I stepped foot on this bus now it'd take me straight to Chloe's house no matter what I told the driver or what stop I tried to escape to. "You know where she lives. I'm sure it hasn't changed."
I'd be lying if I said I didn't contemplate jumping out the window.
Or riding straight past her stop or hopping straight out a few blocks from Blackwell and lingering for a couple hours before circling back and hiding in my dorm room until tomorrow. The last time I took the bus it felt like hours until I reached the store and granted it was all the way at the other end of town but even that day the stop closest to Chloe's house felt like it took way more than the couple seconds I found myself sitting in that sunken old pleather seat smelling dust and stale air.
What the heck was I doing already walking down her street? Why the heck were my legs moving by themselves and why wouldn't they stop? I understood why they quivered, my whole body quivered and my heart spazzed out of my chest and bounced around in my stomach and my throat turned into this black hole that sucked in air and my palms sweated and my teeth hinged shut and if I looked at them my hands probably quaked as much as my knees did.
What the crap am I doing?
G-damnit, Kate.
Chloe's whole block looked familiar. Heck the whole town looked familiar but Chloe's block. Chloe's block in particular was excruciatingly familiar. If not a little older and a little faded with colored paints chipped away and maybe no more trampolines in the front yards, which were replaced with cars or couches or gardens. But the sidewalks, and the curbs and the streetlamps that still tilted and the power wires dipping from the poles and a pair of shoes hanging from one that I might've sworn was there the last I was here.
But the part that killed me the most was the tall house in the middle that looked so tired even as a building. Chipped blue paint over the top half and dead, crumbling white at the bottom. Misshapen grass crinkled off the lawn and a crooked mailbox stood watch over the street. And a monstrous, crumpled beige beast lay sleeping in the driveway.
What the heck am I doing here?
I got up until the foot of the driveway, just half a yard away from the truck, before my body decided to stop moving. Wonderful.
Now.
You choose now to malfunction. When I been begging you to turn back since we stepped foot on the damn bus. Great.
In some huge betrayal of my physiology, it seems I've delivered myself straight to Chloe's…. Driveway.
Hopefully a huge gust of wind comes and blows me away before she walks out. Frick what the heck am I going to say if she comes out?
"Delivery!'?
What a crap package.
After wrenching my attention from the frantic pounding going through my whole body I tried lifting my feet. And they felt like statues.
I'm going to die here.
I looked at Chloe's truck and the rear wheels were centered right in front of me, which was actually beside me. She's gunna run right over me the next time she drives off. Quick Max, you gotta move.
But my body wouldn't listen. Like it dumped me here and shut itself off and left me to fend for myself. Except I could still feel every tremor of electric panic circuiting through me and my clammy hands and shaking knees as I stood there frozen and helpless. If Chloe's tires wouldn't kill me, then my exploding heart certainly would.
Could a human drop dead by short circuiting? Because I was about to. Right where I stood, standing literally parallel to Chloe's house.
I wouldn't even die facing it. I'd die staring down the long sidewalk that ran for what felt like miles. Miles I would've loved to have between me and this house.
Shouting exploded inside and I'm pretty sure my heart busted or something because I felt like I'd cough it out of my mouth. Chloe's voice was jagged as ever and it didn't help me with my situation at all. I couldn't make out her words but I didn't need to to know she was pissed. It seemed pissed was her default emotion now.
The other voice reverberated like a drum. Deep and vibrating and I don't think I heard it before. I couldn't tell where they were in the house but I eventually caught on when Chloe's voice got closer to the front door and I think I gave up at that point because when it swung open and the last of her acidic words shot out of her mouth I kind of just stood there like a sacrifice that finally accepted my fate.
Take me then. Just take everything.
But every inch of me still quivered and my heart roared in my ears and everything exploded onto a more frantic level when Chloe's voice barrelled out:
"-uck off dickface stay the fuck out of my business!"
And the door slammed and some keys jingled and boots beat against the pavement and hot words spilled out of searing lips which fell to the ground like burning embers that ate through the floor. And then all of it stopped and a blue head looked at me and I couldn't even turn mine to look at it directly.
I moved my eyes though. And Chloe's face was…. Processing?
"Max what the…"
Chloe stood near her doorway, facing me, while I faced up her sidewalk. Excruciatingly. Excruciatingly frozen.
Oh good lord someone help me.
I couldn't even move my head. "Uh..m-I." this, really? Is this really how it's going to end for me? "H-hi."
I regretted it the moment I said it but heck how much worse could anything get I was stuck in a fucking driveway for crying out loud and nothing was even blocking me. I wasn't even in a car!
Chloe stared at me for a dead second that stretched for hours and during the whole thing her eyes felt too sharp to look at but then something flickered in them and it flickered through her whole face and before I could think straight enough to question what it was she exploded.
She exploded in laughter.
And I had no fricking clue how to react to that. And even if I did, my stupid body probably wouldn't even let me do it.
Maybe I would've felt embarrassed if it were any other situation but I was so fucking disgruntled and confused it didn't even register. Chloe was laughing. Like literally laughing and she held herself up by her knees and she grabbed her stomach like it ached and it even got to a point when she laughed so hard the noise got stuck in her throat.
What the fuck Chloe.
If my stupid face allowed me to I would've glared.
Oh wait it did.
And I think Chloe noticed because she took another look at me and paused and laughed even harder. Like she were dying and it was so labored and heavy and strained I couldn't even appreciate it. Did everything she did emanate pain now? Even her laugh sounded sick.
"Oh man… oh man! Oh man oh man. What the fuck, Max! What the fuck are you-" more cackling. More fucking cackling. "Why the fuck are you scarecrowing in my driveway?"
"I came to apologize, but now I have some very different words on my mind." Chloe threw her body up straight and limp and rubbed her stomach happily.
Huh. That happy actually looked pretty happy.
And she heaved like she ran a marathon. She was still heaving when she stumbled her way over to me. Snickers escaping her as she walked around me-leaning most of her body on me for support-and witnessed my lack of physical reaction. Except following her with my eyes and the eternal glare I felt molding into my face.
"Fuck man!" Chloe boomed. Eyes alight and delirious from the laughter and moist with tears. "The shit you do, Max." she said.
Circling me and poking my shoulder and tugging the string on my hoodie all the way to one side.
So help me if she got the end stuck in the tunnel I would end her. I hated when she did that. I hated when anyone did that but no one ever did it except her.
"Chloe, don't you dare-"
"Yea yea, whatever." she said. Leaving the plastic part poking out the little hole. "You seem to be…" she looked me up and down and her face got all puffy again and I felt, in the deepest part of my heart, the yearning to punch her. Because another laugh was coming. It was shoving all over every centimeter of her face. "Going through a tough time right now. I think I'll let you slide this time-ow!"
Oh. That actually worked.
Well good.
Chloe rubbed her arm over her black leather jacket with a little pinch in her cheek. Oh, guess I packed a little heat in that punch. Go Max!
"Ooh, Max got some fire in her. Good." she sang as she backed up. A little more sobered but still warm with delight. It was like watching a candle die out. Slowly wicking away back into darkness. "So you're not paralyzed then. Shame. I think I would've enjoyed picking you up and throwing you in the back of my truck."
Ugh!
"The back of your truck?!" I wanted to punch her again, and I think Chloe wanted me to punch her again but I didn't and I just crossed my arms.
Hallelujah! Movement! I will never take you for granted again!
"Tsk, man that's lame." Chloe complained, shooing my stance with her hand. "The punching was funner than the angry face. I hate the angry face."
"It's not an angry face." but it was pretty ironic to hear that from her, who seemed to be the queen of angry face now.
"It looks like an angry face."
"It's.. just… stuck like this right now."
Most of me was racing. Racing thoughts racing heart racing eyes. Trying to make sense of what was going on. I felt disgruntled confused embarrassed and aggravated at the same time. In bursts and waves that danced and sometimes fought and it was all just a whole lot to process.
"And I'm… confused." I said and I managed an irritated sigh. I think I needed food. I hadn't eaten yet. "Do you have a banana?"
"What?"
"A banana. Do you have a banana."
Chloe blinked at me a couple times. "Uh no I don't. I probably do in the house but ain't no way I'm going back in there. Which reminds me." She yanked her keys out her back pocket and jingled them. "Get in. We gotta bail before steptroll comes out the cave to investigate. Probably thinks I'm high right now."
"Chloe-"
"Max we'll get your banana as soon as we get out of here now get in!"
I sighed out the window as I let the wind stroke my face. The cars in the street whizzing past were constant roaring. Chloe's car wasn't that quiet even when it was off. The skull ornament around her rearview tinkled as it swayed. And her little bobblehead clicked with his dancing head. Her dashboard slithered with a wisp of thin smoke dancing up from the dead cigarette she put out in the ashtray just before she parked and got out the car.
I shut my eyes after that for a long time. And cleared my head the best I could while I had relative silence. When I opened them again I caught the back of Chloe's head through the clear glass windows straight ahead. A dark navy beanie flared by fierce blue hair. And black leather shoulders propped up because she leaned up on the front counter with her hands. The ones cuffed with bracelets of a bunch of different colors. And some of them with spikes. One of them was pink, and it stood out because it was the brightest out of all of them. Chloe hated pink.
I watched her whole body perk up as a boy in a sauce stained apron and a paper diamond hat came out from the backroom with two slim boxes on his arm and handed them to Chloe. She dug in her back pocket and slammed a wad of cash on the counter. She picked up the plastic bag she'd set down by the register and turned to leave. She caught my eye as she turned around and her face was bright and her excitement only rose in the way she bit her lip as she shouldered through the door.
I allowed the laugh pushing against my lips.
Food still made her happy. That was good.
When she yanked her truck door open with the monstrous shriek it gave she was already half way through laughing with joy. "Oh man! I'm gunna destroy this. Here Max."
Chloe set the boxes on the seat and handed the bag to me. It burbled with something inside and when I looked at it I read 'Passion Fusion' on the front of a deep pink 2 liter bottle.
"It's the closest they got to real juice. Which is really just juice flavored soda so you're just gunna have to deal." Chloe said, kicking the engine on and pulling out the lot.
"That's fine." I told her. Mostly freaking internally that she remembered I didn't drink soda. It gave me tummy aches. And it only made me more thirsty.
"There's some water in there too. In case it's too harsh on your stomach. Here," she flipped the lid of one of the boxes and a mist of hot cheese and pepperoni came out and made my mouth water. "Grab one before you freeze up on me again. Just one though."
I did and it kind of burnt my fingers so I grabbed the napkins in the bag and admittedly marveled that Chloe actually brought napkins. She ate a slice with her bare hands. Used to the sting I guess. Or maybe she didn't care. But she ate that pizza like she was in love with that thing. And it was pretty funny. It was a cross of in love, and like she hadn't seen it in years. Exactly as I remembered.
She still made noises too.
"What you laughing at?" Chloe demanded around a mouth full of pizza, and it pinched my cheeks up even tighter.
"You still eat like a pig." the speed with which the utter joy in her whole face flickered and died into a glare made me laugh even harder.
"That's a rude thing to say to someone who just hella saved your life."
"Saved my life?"
"You would've died if I hadn't fed you."
"Humans can survive weeks without food."
"Humans, yea. But you? Nuh-uh. Those bony little limbs ain't lasting you more than a few days." Chloe chomped on her slice.
"I'm slightly fuller than you are."
"Yea but I'm scrappy. I'd beat starvation's ass."
After the one slice Chloe allowed me she wanted to save the rest for wherever she was taking us. I didn't mind waiting. The way she drove I couldn't guarantee I'd keep the food down and I wasn't in the mood to throw up and cry the same day I became paralyzed in my old best friend's driveway. Chloe ate two slices before she shut the box and grabbed a napkin to wipe her fingers off with.
I didn't know where we were going until we turned onto the street. It looked way emptier than the last time I came. The trees looked the same. Lush and full and dancing in the breeze. And when Chloe pulled into the lot, shut the car off, and threw the door open, the same gust of forest air danced inside and lit up my chest with nostalgia.
"Come on."
Chloe picked up the pizza boxes and kicked the door closed while I slid out the other side with the drinks. The swing set creaked in the distance, faded and blue and even from here the paint chips were rust colored stains that ate it away. Rust colored stains that ate all the other parts of the metal structures that made up the playground. But those were different colors, from green to orange to yellow. But the old metal underneath was their shared trait alongside the old faded paint.
Chloe led me through the colorless white sand toward the slides. She hopped up on the green platform first and took our drinks and placed them down while I climbed the little green bars.
When I dangled my feet I could still swing them back and forth. Chloe brushed the sand if she pointed her toes too much. She opened the pizza between us and dug in and nudged it to me as an offering. It wasn't so hot anymore so I ate it with just my hands.
"Thanks for feeding me." I told her and she just hummed something, not really looking. Busy reuniting with her long lost love. "And hydrating me."
"Any excuse to eat pizza is a good one." she mumbled, reaching back to grab the 2 liter in the bag. It hissed when she opened it and she drank it straight. She mostly ate rather than interacted.
"How much was it?" she looked at me over the bottle. After a huge gulp she wiped her mouth and her lips bore a reminiscent pink. Yea, that was definitely soda. Stomach churn. "I wanna pay you back."
Chloe rolled her eyes, rummaging through the box for another slice but when she got one she just held it there. "Ten bucks isn't gunna bankrupt me, Max. Relax."
"But still, I have my own money. You don't need to be spending yours on me." she should've been putting it toward her RV. Considering how empty this town was and the way she earned an income, saving up for something as monstrous as that would take forever.
"Dude I can afford to buy you food." Chloe insisted, kicking a foot up on the platform. "The struggle isn't that real. I'm never too broke for pizza."
When I sighed Chloe rolled her eyes again and leaned back against the rusty green bars. "Just let it go man. I'm gunna pay for shit sometimes. You're gunna have to deal." I nodded but I was still reluctant. "And you should be grateful I wanna share food with you. That doesn't happen every day."
I laughed a little but I still shook my head. "I don't know if sharing's the word." I muttered, looking down at the pizza box with two slices left and then my second slice between my fingers I still hadn't finished.
Chloe blinked at me, midway through the slice hanging out of her mouth. "Hey man, I bought you the opportunity. It's not my fault you eat slow."
"Chloe you devoured everything."
"You knew this was gunna happen." she emphasized, holding her arms out like it was obvious. I did. "And you still chose to eat slow. You did it to yourself."
"My stomach gets upset if I eat too fast."
Chloe surrendered some laughter and took a bite from her pizza. Nodding to the distance. As if she nodded at the memory. "Yea. That sucks. I don't know how I'd live if I had to eat like a turtle for the rest of my life. I'd die of starvation halfway through."
"I eat like a normal person!"
"You eat like a turtle dude. You even do that nibble thing they do. They eat like literally one bite at a time."
I tore off a piece of the pizza with my teeth and already lowered the rest to focus on the portion in my mouth. Chloe looked at me, smirking and raising her eyebrows at me. I frowned, indignant. And I held her daring gaze while lifting my slice back up to my mouth. I instantly regretted it. Ugh, too much food in oral cavity!
Chloe cackled. Throwing her head back. "Don't choke yourself dork. I don't do two good deeds in a day. You spent your Guardian Chloe card with the food. If I have to give you the heimlich too you owe me."
But didn't I already owe her like big time for a long time? As far as I'm concerned I'm already in debt. But let me not say that out loud before she leaps on it.
"If you had to give me the heimlich you'd probably kill me."
Chloe laughed, looking at me with bright blue eyes that were pleasantly surprised and drowning in amusement. "Dang girl, you ungrateful! Do you insult everyone who saves your life?"
"I guess I just do it to you. Because you're obnoxious about it."
"Hurtful."
"But thank you for the pizza." Chloe pulled out the second box and presented it to me, hugging the first one with the two slices left like it was a baby. She sat up against the barred wall behind her and tugged the soda to her feet.
"That one's for you. Knew you'd get like a crumb down by the time I finished the rest. And don't try to pay me for it or not eat it cuz I'll pummel you."
I was actually pretty hungry, and knowing the last box was for me made me happier than it should have. We sat there for a while, me eating and Chloe making fun of me eating. And she pulled up some turtle videos on her phone and showed it to me and I wanted to shove her off the platform. When she held her phone up for me to see the pink bracelet on her wrist jingled against the rest, and a little silver letter tumbled out of the mess of wires.
It was an R. With a tiny feather and some beads surrounding it.
"So what were you doing in my driveway?" Chloe asked after I was pleasantly full and hugging the little water bottle to my stomach.
"I was trying to apologize." Chloe looked up from the twig she fiddled with. Snapping it in half and fiddling with it some more. "For everything. But my body shut down."
"You're a megadork. I don't think I've met a bigger dork than you."
"Thanks." should I be flattered or insulted by that?
"It's good you came though. Saved me having to drive all the way to Blackwell."
"You were coming?"
Chloe shrugged, breaking the twig in a bunch of tiny pieces now. "I was shitty the other day."
"I had it coming."
"Yea you did." she agreed and it was sharp enough to make me shrink but not sharp enough to hurt. "But I still felt shitty after. Fucking hate that."
Chloe never stayed mad at me too long after we argued. When we were young we hardly fought but when we did and if Chloe said or did things that could've been hurtful she always felt super guilty after. I couldn't bring myself to rejoice at seeing this little remnant of Chloe still intact. Not when she had every right to act the way she did.
"You shouldn't feel that way. I'm the shitty one, I fucked up. You can treat me as shittily as you need to until it's enough."
Chloe laughed again, but it was an ironic one. Diluted with acid and her lip pinched up on one side. "I don't know about that, Max. I'd destroy you."
It made me wince and I couldn't stare into the look she gave me without my heart aching so I looked away but the distant trees my eyes fell on went unseen and the wind didn't even touch my skin anymore. And the swingset didn't squeak and the leaves didn't blow in the breeze and the playground wasn't rusty anymore. And Chloe's leg wasn't swinging. But her resentment brewed and her anger seethed and her pain sunk holes in her eyes and her stare accused me. And nothing was anything anymore except Chloe and how she felt about me. And it felt kind of shitty.
"Have I fucked everything up?"
We sat there for a long time. And the playground was alive around us but I only registered Chloe's breathing. How her chest rose and fell, and the brown feather on her pink bracelet, dancing in the wind.
"I don't know." Chloe admitted. "I'm highly prepared to say 'fuck the world'. People just fuck you over. I can't really see the point."
"Should I leave you alone?"
"You so eager to disappear again?" Chloe teased but it was heavy and starving of humor. "Nah, it's fine. I just need some space. Gotta blow off a lot of steam. I kind of hate you right now."
Ouch.
"Right." the pain the pain. But I can deal. I'll deal eventually. Chloe needed to cope, and she needed space, she loved her space. And that was a great place to start. "Of course you hate me. That's fine, you can hate me as hard as you like."
Because I deserved it and she needed to express it or else it would just fester and spoil in there. She looked so rotten already.
Chloe lit up a little and her lip curled up a different way from how it did a little while ago. And her dimple came out. The one that puckered when she held in laughter or when she was quietly amused. It came out when she cried too.
"You're a dork, Max. It fucks with me cuz seeing your face makes me want to punch you." she saw the wince. She totally saw the wince. But it hurt so bad, who cares? "Then you open your mouth. Or you do that," she batted her hand at me, aggravated.
Do what?
Chloe sighed. "Then I don't know. You do stuff I can't be pissed at and it pisses me off cuz I like knowing whether to be pissed or something else and you mess it all up."
"Sorry."
She flapped her hand about and looked away. "I just need to figure some stuff out."
"Like if you're pissed or not?"
"Yea. Cuz usually the answer's yes and with you it's always been a shitshow. It's worse now that you're actually here."
I wanted to apologize again but I thought better of it. Chloe might've gone up the wall if I said it again. And I doubted anything that came out my mouth would make anything better.
"I was gunna write you a letter."
Why? Why do I do this to me?
Chloe's eyes ignited with the remnants of flames that were there when she barged out of her house.
"Instead of coming in person. Because I didn't know if you'd want to see me. Even though the letter was a horrible idea."
"Yea I think I would've pummeled you." I bit my lip, hopefully that would keep anything else from coming out. Like how I also planned on never seeing her again. "It's good you came then."
xx