HEART WORLD

~ Michi ~

"Just stop, Michi!" Shin snapped, and I pulled back, feeling as if I'd been lashed with a whip.

"I'm sorry…" I took in my own words and then shook myself. "No I'm not, I'm not sorry at all! There's nothing wrong with me wanting to help you, because you and I are the same, Shin."

"How are we the same? I'm the one who's…" He trailed off and took a breath to calm himself down and stop himself from saying what he wanted to.

"What? Nothing will change if you don't say anything, Shin. I certainly won't leave you alone."

"Fine. Fine! Listen. We're different in this situation. My father and I are the ones being harassed for what happened. I'm not discounting what you must feel, but you're the victim here. The victim doesn't get the treatment we're getting."

"And it's hard."

"Of course it is. You can't say that we're the same here."

"Shin, you can't not understand how similar we are on the bottom line of things. Whether it's with judgement or with pity, we're both being looked at differently. We both want to escape from the sense of isolation somehow but can't seem to manage it. We both feel stuck and alone, so we're afraid. Afraid of more pain, afraid of opening up."

"What's your point? Even if what you're saying is right, it doesn't mean that you need to come back into my life like this, messing everything up and making me…" He kept trying to breathe slowly to calm down, but those breaths kept hitching. "Stop it. Just leave me alone."

"No, okay! I can't just leave you alone like this. Please, Shin. Just let me help you, for the both of us… And for your dad too."

His eyes widened at my mentioning his father. "What about him?"

"Shin… It wasn't your dad's fault for defending himself when he was attacked in the bar that night. It was…" I forced myself to speak even though my throat was trying to close around the words, the admittance, I didn't want to utter. "It was my dad's fault for getting drunk and fighting with someone so violently. And it was my fault for letting him go to the bar at all that night, knowing he was an angry drunk. So, we are the same. I want forgiveness as much as you do. I'm guilty too. So please, Shin. Will you just please, please, let me –"

"Shut up, Michi…" Shin wrapped his arms around my back tightly, crushing me in an embrace. "It's not your fault. Don't start spewing shit like that."

"Shin…" I held him back with all my strength. "Let me talk to your dad. Let's just put all of this behind us."

"Okay." His body shook slightly as a tremor ran down his back, and I knew he was crying.

"Crybaby," I teased gently.

"You're crying too."

"That's only because you set me off." We pulled back enough to look into each other's faces, and I raised my hands to wipe at the tears running slowly down his cheeks. "We will put this behind us. I know we can. Everything can be back to how it was before."

"I'll put it behind me… But we can't go back, Michi. We can't undo everything, the damage your father's death caused."

"I really want to go back," I whispered. "It was so much easier before."

"I know. But we can deal with what we have now." Shin touched my cheeks, catching my tears in the fabric of his gloves. "We can move forward like this."

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Michi…" Musca breathed a sigh of relief. "Goodness, I didn't think it would work, but you did it. Brilliant job."

We did it together. I smiled, for her and Shin.

Shin pulled away, shaking his head. "I think that's enough for today… You should do something that's going to make you happy instead of spending all of your time with me… I'll walk you back home."

He was right. I just wanted to collapse into bed and sleep for a week, the weight of these emotions was so large. "I did do something fun today. I went shopping for a kimono with Sawa."

"Why a kimono?"

"For the fireworks festival."

"Oh. That. I was hoping it wouldn't go through so I didn't have to go."

"Oh, come on. It sounds like a fun relaxing time."

"If Sawa and Mine are there, it's not going to be fun and especially not relaxing."

"You're so grumpy all the time. You haven't changed." I paused. "I take that back. You did change. You used to be more… Never mind."

"What? If you were planning on insulting me, I want to hear what you have to say."

"Just… The night of the track meet. You remember?"

"… Yeah."

"Well… You acted different that time. That's all."

"That was a one-time thing."

"Okay." I paused. "Shin… Did you like me, back then? As in…"

"I know what you mean, I'm not stupid," he muttered. Then there was a silence, one different than the normal silence because it was an uncomfortable one, one I waited through filled with anticipation. "Yes. I liked you."

"Oh." So his actions had meant what I had faintly been thinking they did. It hadn't all been in my head that time. "I… I liked you too." My voice got smaller as I spoke. "I still like you." My heart and my head, my memories and my feelings, they all said that he was still the person that made me flustered, who messed up my pulse. I liked him even now, no matter what.

He just looked at me for a second before taking my face in his hands and pressing his mouth against mine.

"What? What?! WHAT?! Michi?!" Musca flew around in erratic circles, as shocked as I was.

I was completely still until he backed away. "Sh-Shin?"

"I'm the son of the man who killed your father. That's the person who just kissed you," he said quietly, and I flinched. "Even if we forgive each other, even if we become close again… Michi, anything else would be too strange. It would be wrong."

I nodded slowly, a new, lesser ache taking form in my heart. "I understand. Forget I said anything." We continued on in silence until I decided to break it, unable to take it anymore. "When can I come talk to your dad?"

"I don't know. Let me ask him first, hint at it a little and ease him into it."

"Good idea." We were back at my apartment both too soon and not soon enough.

"Michi."

"Yeah…?"

"Still… Thank you for everything. And I'm sorry."

"What's this? A genuine thanks and apology? I don't know if my little heart can take it."

He shook his head, letting out a short chuckle, one just there enough to convey mild amusement. "Good night. I'll see you at work."

"Night. See you." I went inside and plopped onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling and at Musca as she hovered into my view.

"That was… Unexpected. A lot of it was."

"Yeah…"

"Michi… Do you sincerely feel that way about him? After you and Sawa finished hanging out earlier you told me everything you had remembered about Shin and I could tell that you two had a close bond, but… Even after your father's death?"

I closed my eyes. "My memories and my heart say that… Well, I… I love him. He holds a special place in my heart, even now… It's like there's this..." I searched for the right words. "This little nook in me. He's there, and I can't get him out of that little corner. And I don't want to. I want to keep him there, always..." That was culmination of the feeling I had learned this life had for me, this fate.

Musca tilted her head, thinking. "Maybe I'm not the one you should say those words to."

"Maybe." But Shin had laid down the boundary. There was no way I could ever convey those words, those deep feelings that had been revealed to me in flashes of memories, a life of eighteen years that claimed my heart for a person who couldn't accept it.