WORLD OF SUITS
~ Shin ~
Michi was off today, and so was I. Was the best thing to do to just call her and explain or would she see it as cowardly of me to not ask to talk face to face? There was no point in talking at all if I didn't sort out my own feelings, and there was no way I could ask Toma for help again. He'd made it clear he thought the idea of Michi and I together was just wrong.
"Dad?" I sat across from him at our table after having made him breakfast.
"Thanks." He dug in while glancing over the newspaper without reading it.
"Dad. I need to talk to you."
He sighed, reluctance showing that he had been attempting to ignore me, sensing that something was up. "Is it about Michi again? Just give me more time. I'd thought I was ready to face her, but I'm not."
"It's not that this time. It's something else about her."
"What?"
"Before everything went down, I liked her. I liked her a lot. You knew that, right?"
"… You had mentioned it once or twice."
"I talked about her so much you were annoyed with me. Don't pretend you've forgotten that."
"Fine, but so what? Why are you bringing this up?"
"I still like her, and she likes me too. I rejected her, saying it was too strange… But by holding back I'm hurting her too. Dad, I just… I've had these feelings for a long time." I'd tried to get rid of them, but hadn't been able to. At that, I'd failed miserably.
"Damn, Shin… Why do you have to do this?"
"It's not the end of the world if I like a girl." I got defensive against the despair in his voice.
"Any girl but that one. Shin, you can't not know how this sounds, how it would look. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick."
"I know what other people will think. You and Toma have given me a pretty good idea of how it would be."
"It's not other people I'm worried about. Shin, I'm asking you not to do this for my sake. Just the idea of talking to her is horrible to me. But then the prospect of you holding the hand of the daughter of the man I killed… I can't stomach that. I'm begging you to just not do this. It's not the end of the world if one crush of yours doesn't work out."
I wanted to protest that she wasn't just a crush, but he had a point. How would things be many years from now? All of this could just be some memory. "I get it, I get it. I won't do anything."
"Good."
After that I didn't really want to be around him either. "See you."
"Where are you going?"
"Out. I'm seventeen, I can go out on my own." I slammed the front door behind me. Maybe a walk would help me calm down. Maybe the problems I had right now were trivial, but they just didn't seem that way to me no matter what angle I tried. Despite myself I pulled my phone out and dialed.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Toma."
"Oh, hey. What is it?"
"Nothing." Why had I called him anyways? I was going insane.
"You've been acting weird. Yesterday you made me call out so you could go to work when you were supposed to be off and wouldn't tell me why, and now you're calling me for no reason. What is it? Seriously."
"Look, it's complicated. I didn't want to have Michi with Ikki without me there."
"Did something happen?"
"Yes and no. I mean, no. I just… I overreacted to it. But don't worry about it."
"Look, Shin, I'll be frank with you. I'm not your love guru, and I've already given you my opinion. Stop messing around. If you're so worried, Michi is the one you should be talking to."
"… You're right."
"I know. So stop bothering me about it."
"… Thanks anyways." Even if he was pissed about me bothering him about it so much he had helped me by calling me out.
"Shin, one more thing. If her feelings get hurt, no one else is responsible but you. Remember that."
"I will." He was the overprotective big brother in this situation.
I went to Michi's place, hoping she would be there. She answered when I knocked, still in her pajamas, her hair in a mess and a toothbrush in her mouth. "It's noon. You know that, right?"
"Uh…" The toothbrush fell out of her mouth because she had been staring at me slackjawed, shocked at my being here. "Crap… Come in an' wait a minat." She struggled to talk around toothpaste before grabbing the brush back up and speeding into the bathroom.
I sat on the floor, content to wait since it would give me time to think of what I was going to say.
"Sorry…" Michi came out of the bathroom nervously tugging on her hair, which I noticed wasn't up in her usual pigtails.
"It's fine." I watched her as she sat down too, next to me, which affected my heartbeat. She looked embarrassed but really had no reason to be. She was funny and cute when she was a mess.
"Um… Want a drink?"
"No thanks. You should get yourself some water though."
"Yeah, yeah. Did you come here just to nag me?"
"No. I wanted to talk."
"About what?"
Now came the hard part. "Things. You and me."
"Oh." She started to look wary.
I had to be open. There was no point in being here right now if I wasn't. "I was jealous of Ikki, from the second I saw you guys in the hospital."
"But there's nothing. Come on, Shin, that's irrational. Ikki and I are only friends. Sort of friends. It wasn't that long ago I hated his guts."
"Okay. The point is, I got jealous. Michi, I…" The words got stuck.
"What?"
~ Michi ~
"What?" I repeated myself when he still didn't say anything. My heart was beating so hard it hurt.
"I want to be with you. I want that badly. But… I talked to my dad about it, and he… He begged me not to. It's not something he can face, or deal with properly. Michi, I can't put my feelings above his. That would be wrong."
"Oh." It made so much sense. Shin was a good person, so no matter how he felt he wouldn't do that to his father, who he loved. "I understand, Shin. Thanks for telling me."
He nodded, looking down at his hands that he had folded in his lap. "I want to ask you to wait for me, for him and everyone else to come around. But even if it does happen, it's a long time coming. I can't do that either."
"Yeah," I murmured. It was better that he hadn't asked that anyways, with me having the other pathways to deal with.
"But more than anything, Michi, I don't want to lose you. I still want to be there for you, and be able to talk to you normally. Somewhat normally, at least. It's selfish, I know, and if you don't want to I get it."
"Come on, Shin. You know me. In the end, I'm not going to let this petty stuff get in my way." I shook my head. "No, it's not petty. What I mean is that…" I sighed. "I love you, so I can compromise. Having you as my friend is way better than having you become distant again. I just got you back, you know? I don't want to lose you again."
He closed his eyes. "Thanks, Michi. I feel the same way."
I leaned over on impulse and kissed his cheek before resting my head on his shoulder. I felt confident now in believing that this was the kind of closeness we both wanted. But in the end, it was better this way. I had a lot more work to do here, and if my focus was always on Shin then I wouldn't be able to get it done. I had to accept that and move on.
"Ow…" I rubbed at my head when it felt like needles were poking at it all of a sudden.
"Michi?"
Crap. I could absolutely not faint in front of him again. Twice was enough to make him worry, but three times was too much. I didn't need to get stuck in the hospital again.
"Um. I think I'm going to lay down. Sorry, but will you leave?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay and make sure you're alright?"
"I'd rather be alone." I needed to be alone now, if I was going to remember things. No telling what would happen when I did, what I would find out. Then I'd need to talk to Musca about it.
"Alright. Just text me later and let me know how you're doing. I'll come over again if you don't."
"Yeah, I know. See you later." Once he was gone I hopped back into bed.
"What is it? You rushed him out, and I thought the atmosphere was pretty good," Musca tilted her head at me.
"I feel a headache coming on. I think it might be more memories."
"If that's the case then you made the right call in getting him out, and you did it pretty smoothly too. Good."
I closed my eyes and let the memories come forward. Now that I was ready to let them, they were flowing.