Summary: The boys are at it again, but this time in a BIG way. Now they have a few extra additions to their crew as they try to figure out just how to approach having actual Pokémon in their grasp. That is, if SOMEONE doesn't screw things up even further. Yeah, we're all looking at you, Cartman.
I'll do a different Character Profile at the end of every few chapters in the future. The Profile will include: Name, Rank, Pokémon Type, Pokémon in Party, and other fun facts about the Character.
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ENJOY!
Chapter 1: Gotta Catch 'Em, R-Tard!
Kenny was sitting in Cartman's house eating Cheesy Poofs and watching television just as peaceably as a human being could while in the company of one Eric Cartman.
The shocking part, you may ask? Well, Kenny was honestly enjoying himself. It was quiet, it was peaceful, and it was something to do.
It would be a lie to call Kenny McCormick disillusioned with life. To be disillusioned with life, you had to first been inspired with or revered life. Kenny had never been under any illusion when it came to life.
He was born at home, in his parents' filthy bedroom, dirt poor, stifled and cursed. Ever since he'd been aware of the world, he'd been aware of the unfairness of it all. How unfair it was that he was always cold, yet his classmates always warm. How unfair it was that he was never full, yet his classmates never hungry. How unfair it was that he didn't get pocket change, yet his retard classmates had freaking collage funds.
It was unfair, plain and simple.
Yet, he knew life wasn't fair. Despite what some might think because of his dirt poor background, Kenneth McCormick was the furthest thing from stupid. He read books when he had them from the library, and was quite street smart. The unfairness of life? He was used to it. All he could do was forgive it— or at least accept it— and get the fuck over it.
Yet throughout his barely teenage life, Kenny was fast becoming aware of what he perceived as the greatest unfairness of all.
He became aware of Stanley Marsh and Kyle Broflovski.
It was unfair that Kyle was so cleaver, the cleverest in their class. It was unfair that Stan was so kind, the kindest guy Kenny had ever known. It was unfair Kyle was so sharp, so quick-tongued and sarcastic. It was unfair Stan was so moral, so just, so obsessed with making things fair. It was unfair that Kyle's temper was volcanic, that his anger was explosive, his presence so dramatic. It was unfair the way Stan was growing out to look like a professional athlete even though he pretty much hated sports. It was unfair that Kyle was so beautiful, so porcelain, so regal and, well— so goddamn fluffy!
But all that unfairness could be forgiven. Because Kyle was Kyle, and Stan was Stan. By the two simply existing, they made Kenny's life seem a little more fair then it was, like perhaps everything would be okay. Like perhaps it had been worth getting out of bed this morning after all…
Then those buttholes had to go to Stan's house for a "super best friends' only" Saturday morning of watching cartoons while shucking he— the great and sexy Kenny McCormick— off to Cartman's until they met up later to plan an adventure for the day.
That, Kenny thought, was unforgivably unfair.
It was just another day in South Park to Cartman. Officer Barbrady was still a dumbass dips hit who was not doing his job. Mr. Mackey was saying M'kay after three whole years and would probably still be iterating the stupid phrase until his dying breath. And Kenny, the poor piece of crap, had come begging to his— the great and totally sweet-bodied Cartman— house for the warmth, food, and television programming his poor as shit family couldn't hope to provide in their lifetime.
"Goddamnit, Cartman, don't talk about my family!" Kenny snarled, glaring icy daggers at the fat boy when Cartman ended his opening scene.
Cartman sat back on his couch, eating the third bag of Cheesy Poofs as they watched Saturday morning cartoons. Now you may wonder why he was watching cartoons with the poor piece of crap. Well, him, being the infinitely nice person he was, had allowed Kenny into his home—
"No you didn't, your mom answered the door while your fat ass was too lazy to get up from the couch." Kenny interrupted again.
"God-Dammit! Kenny, shut the fuck up or I'll kick you square in the nuts!" Cartman shouted back as Kenny and he glared at one another. Kenny didn't say anything again, but crossed his arms. Cartman was right about one thing. His house had central heating, a fully stocked refrigerator, and television with more than the news and a Spanish soap opera playing every hour or so.
"Now where was I…" Cartman pondered while tapping his chin, "Oh right!" snapping his fingers, Cartman went on to think more shit about Kenny and how poor he and his entire family were out in the ghetto.
"Cartman—" the parka wearing boy growled at the tub of lard.
"And yo momma cried," Cartman sang, "Because if there was one last thing that they would need, it'd be another dirt poor baby mouth to feed. In the ghetto… in the ghetto!"
And Kenny pounced on him then, fists meeting fat stomach and arms while the larger boy wailed for his mommy.
Kenny grabbed Cartman by the collar and hoisted him up so they were starring eye to eye, "Cartman, I swear to God that if you say one more thing about me or my family, I will fucking killing you."
"Jesus Christ, Kenny's gonna bat-shit crazy!" Cartman yelled, looking around for assistance.
"Just shut the fuck up! I'm sick of you always ragging on me and my family." Kenny shook the fatter teen a few times for good measure, "Just remember, without me around, you'd be the poorest piece of crap in this town." and with his peace spoken, Kenny promptly dropped the now terrified Cartman and sat back in his spot on the other side of the couch.
"Remote, bitch." Kenny held out his hand, and Cartman said nothing as he passed over control of the TV.
Flipping through channels was an unfamiliar experience for Kenny. He did not hang out at his friends' houses a lot, and even when they did stay indoors, it would always be Kyle or Cartman who picked the programming they'd watch. Stan never seemed to have an opinion anymore and Kenny was always just happy for a change from the news or Spanish soap operas.
"Oh, awesome! Pokémon is on! I haven't seen this in forever!" Kenny felt a spark of the few happy childhood memories he had welling up inside him. Memories from before he realized it was wrong for him to hang out at his friends houses and impose upon their lives everyday just because his parents chose to remain poor, ignorant and drunk all hours of the day and night.
"Uck, Pokémon cartoons are so 1998, Kenny," Cartman groaned in complaint, sliding a few inches down the couch, "The drawings are retarded, the plots are shit, and no one makes fun of Jews on there. The games are much better."
"Yeah? Well I like both, so go fuck yourself." Kenny shot back while turning the volume up on Cartman's television.
"You poor piece of crap, the only reason you know anything about the games is because Stan just had to be a major pussy and use his paper route so he could buy you the games and systems so you could keep up with us and everyone at school and not be the only one without Pokémon. Hate that asswipe Stan…" Cartman grumbled while Kenny slugged him in the arm.
"For your information, it was Butters that bought me the Gameboys and Nintendo DS. That's when Stan fought out I didn't have anything and he got me the games." Kenny corrected his retard friend, "Then Kyle spent some of his savings to get me some games for Stan's old PS2 and Xbox."
"I seriously hate those guys… Seriously," Cartman sulked as he slid down further into the couch.
Kenny ignored Cartman this time, turning back to Cartoon Network as the latest English-dubbed episode of Pokémon started to air.
"Kenny, don't be a bitch with sand in the vagina," Cartman said, covering his ears as Kenny began to sing along to the new theme song. Hearing enough of his horrible attempts to keep up with and sing a song he was only just hearing and seeing for the first time, Cartman got up from the couch for the first time that morning. He walked into the hallway closet and grabbed his plastic bat.
"On the road, far from home. You don't have to feel alone! Brave and strong, together we will be! Its' OUR DESTINY! We can be HEROES! We can save the world if we tried! I'll go where YOU go! Forever friends, YOU AND— OW! HOLY SHIT! CARTMAN, YOU ASSHOLE!" right in the middle of his signing, Cartman had hit Kenny in the back of the head with the little plastic baseball bat he got out of the closet. Kenny leapt off the back of the couch, and proceeded to beat the shit out of Cartman, who proceed to then scream and cry for his mother's aid.
Ding-Dong!
"Who do you think that is?" Kyle asked as Stan got up to open the door.
Now being a few years older and going through the fucking painful experience known only as a "growth spurt", Stan was the tallest of the group. Kenny was only a few inches smaller while Cartman and Kyle were just about the same height, a fact which neither found too pleasant. And though he never worked out a day in his life, Stan had what others referred to as a lean athletic build. Girls were now giggling at him on the streets and mothers were always commenting on his startlingly cerulean blue eyes and dark raven hair. He and his friends found the whole experience all the more strange when the moms did it while licking their lips and gazing at the clean-cut handsome young teen with hungry eyes. Stan, much like the other kids in South Park, never changed his wardrobe much with the weather either being just perfect for a sunny day of basketball or the right temperature for freezing balls off. Though ever now in then his parents would sign him up for a sport, where he'd have to trade in his trademark red poof-ball hat for a baseball cap, or his brown jacket for a sports coat. Even still he wore blue jeans and black sneakers. If anyone gave him crap, he just took a leaf out of Craig's playbook and flipped them off.
Kyle turned away from the television to watch who would be at the door. Over the last few years, Stan's personality became rather cool and confident in comparison to the cynical and depressive one from back when he was diagnosed with Assperger's Syndrome. Kyle had once questioned the change, and the answer Stan gave him was a little fucking weird.
"Dude, fuck that. Its too fucking pathetic. I felt like one of those Goth kids again, and then Butters called me a punk bitch for giving up on life or something. Screw that, I'm just gonna look on the bright side of the shit, ya know."
After that, no one said anything about Stan's being back from the brink. It was so much better to see the leader of their group smiling again while knifing people on Call of Duty. Hell even Wendy was glad to have the old Stan back as they had resumed their turbulent relationship immediately afterward, to which was now permanently in the off position since the last time they broke up.
"—Oh yeah? Well maybe you're the reason I'm so fucked up in the head, you CRAZY BITCH!"
Kenny had been rolling, Cartman was honestly impressed and Kyle was shocked to his core by the amount of anger and rage springing out of Stan when the dark haired boy and girl broke up publicly a couple of years ago after Stan found Wendy in the hallway smooching Token Black. Token and Stan were still cool, even then, but Wendy was still on then ice when it came to being around Stan for long durations of time.
Kyle on the other hand had seen his social life skyrocket in the last few years. Jewish camp was now seeing more kids for him to hang out with as a greater number of unsuspecting moron adults decided South Park was actually a peaceful little mountain town with absolutely no bats hit crazy problems whatever. Now during the summers Kyle got invited to parties, bar mitzvahs, and had a bunch of friends on Facebook to water his crops. Though a bunch of his new friends seemed initially disappointed whenever he brought Stan around with him to the events. However, that was all quickly turned around by the end of the parties. Kyle's other friends would be so enchanted by Stan that, by the end of the evening, they'd ask for Kyle's own super best friend to attend everything he could with Kyle.
"Sure, dude! If Kyle wants to go, we'll be there!" and Stan would smile his amazingly boyish smile, making the girls giggle and the boys think him a God amongst men.
If only Stan would share his secrets of being the poster boy for non-douche bag surfer dude, then Kyle would stop harping him for being so chill about everything these days.
Stan looked back at Kyle before opening the door, "Don't know. I wasn't expecting anybody. You?"
"No, I didn't invite anyone. I would have told you, dude!" Kyle and Stan were puzzled, but still Stan opened his front door.
It was a pissed-off Kenny and beaten-up Cartman, who was still holding his bloody nose.
"Hey Kenny." Stan greeted, then looked at Cartman, "Jesus Christ dude, the fuck happened to you?!"
Cartman cut a glare over at Kenny, who glared right back like a cornered animal, "I tripped on the way over…"
"Oh no, dude, don't let them in." Kyle said, snuggling into his warm blanket further on the floor in front of the couch. "This is why we couldn't invite you over Kenny. 'Cause then Cartman would come, and he'd piss one of us off, and then we'd have to kick his ass."
"Yeah dudes," Stan turned back to look at Kenny and Cartman. "My mom is still pretty pissed about the blood from last time we busted Cartman's nose. Sorry, you can't—"
Kenny was having none of that as he turned on heel, and slammed a fist into Cartman's face, propelling the fat boy back and out into the snow where he landed on his flat on his back.
"Jesus Christ, dude!" Stan exclaimed as Kenny stomped into the house.
"Bitches, we're watching Pokémon. Got it?!" Kenny roared, and Stan and Kyle quickly scrambled not to end up like Cartman.
The fat boy, however, was now outside shouting at the home while throwing snowballs because he couldn't find rocks with all the damn snow.
"Screw you guys! I'm going home! And, and- I'm gonna have Cheesy Poofs and Twinkies and Pokémon and my own super best friend and TV and wine coolers and a party which none of you assholes are invited to!" Cartman stomped angrily down the street, still ranting and raving about the other three boys he was forced to grow up with.
"Fucking Kenny and his fucking poor as shit Pokémon reams!" he turned back to yell out, "Pokémon's fucking gay, Kenny you poor piece o' shit! DO YOU HEAR ME?! POKÉMON IS GAY, KEE-KNEE!"
Growling at the snow which impeded his trek back home, Cartman kicked out and lashed at the white fluff of ice. "I'll show those assholes. I hate those guys. I hate them with every beet of my heart and every fiber of my soul. I seriously hate those guys. So seriously… Fucking Pokémon… Fucking Kenny… Make my own goddamn Pokémon… That'll show those black assholes. FUCKING HATE YOU GUYS!"
So what do you guys think? Love it? Hate it? Want it to ROT IN HELL for all eternity? Leave a REVIEW and let me know!
Oh, and if you have ideas for Pokémon the characters should have or would be funny, please LET ME KNOW! Preferably in a REVIEW or PM.
Bye, bye
-Traban16