~ Michi ~
"That was fun!" I laughed as we all dispersed.
"A worthwhile manner in which to spend your day off?" Kent offered me a small smile.
"Definitely. I might be tired tomorrow, though. I should go home and get some sleep."
"Ah, yes." He paused. "I suppose this is when I offer to walk you…" He trailed off when Ikki approached us.
"Hey, you two. Sorry we didn't get to talk much."
"It's fine. You looked like you were having a lot of fun. Congrats on getting a date," I teased.
"Oh, come on. It's not a date. Not really."
"Whatever you say. Anyways…" I looked into his eyes. "How are you, really?"
He smiled, understanding what I meant. "I'm doing well. Hey, mind if I walk you home? I'd like to make up for not talking to you during the goukon."
"Come on, it's not a big deal. But sure." I wanted to talk to him too, get more insight into the steps he was taking. "Is that okay?" I asked Kent. I'd come here with him and didn't want to leave him hanging.
"Of course. I will see the two of you at a later date." He departed with his long, abnormally fast strides.
"For some reason I'm just fascinated by the way he walks…" I commented. "How do you deal with that?"
Ikki laughed. "I've learned to keep up with him. Shall we?"
I nodded, and we ambled along slowly to make the walk longer. "So… Why a goukon, exactly?"
"I figured that meeting a large group of people would be a good way to get a lot of practice."
"Oh, okay. I only heard a little bit, but the conversations went okay?"
"I learned a lot, I feel like. Before it was very much my fault for what was happening. I'd always go along with it when the conversation was steered back to me and the girls just refused to talk about themselves."
"I don't understand why people think that liking all of the same things is necessary for a connection with someone. I mean, that girl had such a hard time saying she liked horror movies." I paused. "But you did get her to say it. That's good."
"Yes. I have to be more insistent with others instead of giving up and blaming my eyes for it. Of course it's hard to admit that I'm partly to blame for everyhting up until now, but that's how it is. Actually… I suppose I'm all to blame for it."
"What do you mean?" Musca had told me that it was Lord Nhil who had granted Ikki's eyes with powers, so of course it wasn't entirely his fault. Why would he think that?
"It was right after you moved that I wished for girls to like me. I guess I'd just felt like maybe if you had liked me more, you would have stayed. Child's logic. It was right after that wish that things changed, and people reacted to my eyes. I can't explain it. I must sound weird." He laughed.
He'd... He'd done it because of me? I couldn't think about thee feelings that might be behind that. "Oh... I mean... Not at all." I shook my head. "There are… There are things in this world beyond our comprehension. So, no. You don't sound weird." That was all I could say without admitting that I knew very well he had been affected by the supernatural. "So. Think you'll end up dating that girl you're going to the movies with? She was really pretty."
"Well, I won't discount the possibility outright, but I wasn't really planning on that happening. I just wanted to keep seeing if I could get to know someone genuinely."
I nodded. "Feeling things genuinely is important. I was just thinking about that today, actually. If you can be sure that your feelings are real, then you feel so much better about yourself and the work you're putting in to make connections."
"Exactly." Ikki nodded.
"But still. It's worth experiencing having an honest girlfriend. Have you ever had that?"
"No. I've been like this since childhood, so I haven't been that lucky."
"Well… I hope that you can have at least that much."
"What about you, Michi?"
"Huh?"
"Have you ever dated anyone honestly?"
"Um…" Well, Shin had said that I had dated Toma, but I didn't even remember that. Besides, high school relationships were hardly ever serious. "No. You're the lucky one here, snagging a cute girl at a goukon," I teased.
Ikki peered down at me. "You keep bringing her up."
I blinked, realizing he was right. "Oh. I guess I'm just really excited for you. I don't mean to be pushy. Really, I'm sorry."
"It's fine. But you kept bringing up her appearance. Why?"
"I don't know. Stop analyzing me. You're supposed to be a math and science guy, not a psychology guy." I pushed him playfully, and he took the opportunity to grab my hand.
"Do you not think you're just as beautiful as any other girl? Not even more so?" He pulled me over to a shop window that was being illuminated by the street lights. I could see both of our reflections as he moved to stand behind me, hands coming to rest on my shoulders.
"Hey, what're you doing…?" I looked at the ground.
"Take a look at yourself and tell me honestly what you see. I want to hear. Please."
"Come on, cut it out…"
"I'm serious here, Michi."
"Er…" I looked up. I tried not to think about my appearance that much. "Um… I'm a little bit short." I was around 5"4, almost a foot shorter than Kent.
"And?"
"Um… I'm not skinny, but not fat either. Just not skinny. And I just realized that there's a string on my shirt that I need to cut off later. Also, I need to put more makeup on because you can kind of see the bruises through it in this lighting… Can I stop now? I don't like this, and I feel very uncomfortable…"
Ikki sighed and turned me around to face him. "Is your self-image really that poor?"
"I dunno… I just never seem to stack up to other people. I'm not as hardworking, or as smart, or as pretty as others. My dad always used to say that it's the smartest and the prettiest people who make it in life. I'm sort of not good enough for either category." I laughed, but it sounded hollow.
"Don't insult yourself. All you have to do is ask your friends what they think of you and you'll hear great things."
"Maybe, but the voice in my head always puts me down. I spent so much time by myself after my parents divorced and after my dad died that it was the only voice I heard. I felt so alone… I just can't match up my opinion of myself to what I actually think is true. I know I'm better than that, just... And then little things offend me in a ridiculous way, like when Kent points out that I'm not as skinny as Sawa or Mine… I know he's just stating facts, but still. It hurts for some reason."
"… I'm glad I know this about you now." Ikki took my hands. "Listen… I know that no one else's voice matters if your own is saying all negative things all the time, but let me tell you what I think of you."
"Okay?"
"I find you beautiful. You're blunt but kind and honest. You don't hold back. You're brave and loving. Do you understand how important those things are? Those things that come from here." He put his finger against my heart and I felt myself blushing.
"Cut it out… I hate mushy talk like this." But it was a relief to get it off my chest. Self-confidence was something that you could struggle with every moment of every day, never ending.
"I love you, Michi."
"Wh-what?"
"I don't plan on dating anyone else for a while. I want to really understand what it means to have a genuine connection. But I don't want to let go of you either. I'm going to keep you in my mind and my heart for now. Now, I realize that I need to try a lot harder. I want to know others more, but most of all I want to get to know you more, as much as I can."
"… I'd like that too." Bonds were the most important part of living, I believed. They defined life, and we couldn't be without them. "I didn't mean to unload all of that on you though. That's not how I planned my day."
"I wanted to know what you honestly thought of yourself. Thank you for being so open with me." He gently pulled on my hand, and we started walking again.
"You're a jerk, by the way." I put my hands in my pockets, breaking the contact. I had still rejected him for a reason, and even though I wanted to be friends with him it was important to remain firm in that with how I acted.
He laughed. "Why?"
"Because you made me vomit my feelings everywhere. I didn't wanna!"
"If it's any consolation, it only made me love you more."
"Just shut up…" I mumbled, trying to rub the blush off my face with my free hand.
"By the way, I noticed you were talking to Kent earlier."
"Yeah. He's hilarious, actually."
"He's been asking me a lot about social interactions lately. He even bought some psychology textbooks at that discount bookstore."
"That sounds like something he would do," I laughed.
"He mentioned that you had been helping him with his general… Lack of understanding how people are." Ikki laughed, undoubtedly long used to how Kent was. "Thanks for that. It seems like if everyone was as blunt as you are maybe the world would be a little bit better."
"Or everyone would hate each other," I halfway joked. "You know, after talking to you both I can understand why you and Kent are such good friends."
"Really? How so?"
"Well, you both really seem to appreciate people who are candid with their thoughts. Mostly it's that you've both thanked me now for helping the other person. It's nice to see that the two of you care about each other."
"Of course we do. We've been best friends ever since I came here for college."
"See? You did have one genuine connection this whole time."
"Well…" Ikki frowned slightly.
"What is it?"
"It always bothered me that I never knew how to help him. I couldn't figure out to say or do that would make him understand what he was confused about."
"Oh…" I laughed loudly.
"What?"
"Kent said the exact same thing! You guys should really talk if you're feeling confused or some certain way. You might be surprised."
"I'll think about that." Ikki nodded, looking contemplative.
"You should. Anyways… We're here. Thanks for walking me back." I hesitated, unsure of how I should say goodbye. I couldn't afford to do anything that could be misconstrued as me making a move on him. "Have… Have a good night."
Ikki smiled. "You too. Thank you for coming tonight, Michi. I was glad to see you."
"You too." We waved at each other until I turned away to walk up the stairs. Once inside my apartment I collapsed on the bed. "Ah… I'm tired, but for some reason I don't want to go to sleep… I'm going to be exhausted at work tomorrow." When I was met with silence I looked around. Musca was there like she always was, but she was frowning almost angrily. "Musca?"
She jumped. "What?"
"You okay? You've been really quiet lately." Even in these past few days leading up to the goukon, she had been noticeably quieter.
"Just… I've been concerned about a few things." She looked into my eyes seriously. "Mind if we have a talk?"