Sticks and Stones - Chapter 14 - by Emma Nisbet (grnfield)
Janet immediately noted that the only light was coming from the small desk lamp. Dull as this was it illuminated enough of the room to allow her to view the still form of Jack O'Neill.
The Colonel was slumped back on the couch with his head leaning on the backrest and from the angle she was standing Janet couldn't see his face. She remembered the General telling her that Jack was exhausted and she wondered if he had fallen asleep.
She paused for a moment, unsure of what to do. She knew that Jack's black ops training meant that he would awake at the slightest noise and if he had finally succumbed to slumber then she didn't want to disturb him.
A moment later though the decision was taken away from the diminutive doctor.
Jack swayed slightly although he made no effort to raise his head from the couch. In barely a whisper he said, "Hello Janet. Is it your turn to sit with the screw-up of a colonel?"
Janet moved to the front of the couch and sat timidly down next to Jack. "Sir…Jack, please don't talk like that," she said in dismay.
"Why?" he asked. "It's what everyone's thinking – I know that."
"Jack…no one's thinking that of you, We all know what a hard time you're having at the moment. We all understand…and we miss Daniel as well, Sir." Janet told him.
Jack rolled his head towards the doctor and opened his eyes to look at her. "But it wasn't up to you to look after him that day – now was it? It was mine and I failed him…for the last time."
Now that Jack's eyes were open Janet felt brave enough to offer him comfort by laying her hand on his arm.
"There was nothing you could have done," she told him. "You weren't to know that earthquake was going to happen, you certainly can't blame yourself for that."
"I could have made him come outside with me, not left him there on his own," he told her.
"He wouldn't have been impressed with that, now would he?" she asked. "You didn't expect there to be any danger did you?"
"Not straight away, I should have though. I left him on his own to make radio contact with Teal'c and Carter. Carter'd told me that someone had stolen the UAV so I should have taken him out with me when I went to speak to the other two the second time. Teal'c told me he thought that Daniel shouldn't be alone so I started back towards the pyramids. I stopped because I had to report in to the General and I was speaking on the MALP when all hell broke loose. I tried to run back inside the pyramid but I fell and I couldn't get back up. I can't remember anything else after that until I woke up in the infirmary." Jack was gasping for breath by now and his speech faltered to a halt.
Janet moved her hand up his arm to cup his face. She was stunned when he leaned into the touch and closed his eyes.
A single tear escaped from Jack's eye and slowly slid down his face onto the doctors hand. She could feel the shuddering intakes of his breath under her palm and quietly questioned him, "Jack?"
Slowly Jack opened his tear filled eyes and looked into Janet's concerned brown ones. He opened his mouth to speak but no sound came out.
Janet softly stroked his cheek with her thumb and gave him a small, supportive smile. She nodded her head slightly, silently urging him to try again.
He swallowed deeply, blinked twice and then quietly, so very quietly the doctor heard the words, "Janet, I think I need help."
Without warning he slumped forwards towards her. She tucked his head tightly under her chin as he did so and wrapped her arms around him. She was shocked to feel his arms snake around her waist and cling on tightly and she stroked his back firmly.
Subconsciously she began rocking him gently to and fro as a mother would comfort a distressed child. They stayed that way for a short while until Janet quietly asked, "Jack, when was the last time you had any sleep?"
He unfurled his arms from their death grip on her waist and carefully pushed himself up to a sitting position.
"Truthfully?" he asked, looking her straight in the eye. "I haven't a clue. I go home, sit on the couch and wish I could invite Daniel round for pizza and beer like we often do when we're not on a mission. Then I remember I can't do that any more so I get myself a drink. Then I'll have another to toast Daniel, then another to commiserate my failure to protect him. Then another for the team that I've lost, then another to forget…"
He found that he couldn't hold her gaze any longer and dropped his eyes to his lap.
"…at some point I'll fall into bed and toss and turn all night. I might drop off for a few minutes but all I see is that God damn pyramid disappearing in a cloud of dust and I wake up again – stone cold sober and drenched in sweat." He glanced into her eyes again, "You guessed most of that though, I reckon. I don't think you miss much and the rumour mill's bound to be rife round here at the moment."
"I guessed you weren't sleeping well, that much is true." Janet agreed. "But, Colonel, you know that you can always talk to me. Day or night I'll always be there for you if you need me – you do know that don't you, Jack?"
"I guess so, I think I was in a bit of denial until not too long ago though. I thought I was handling things in my own way. I guess my way's not going too well though any more."
"What happened to change things, Jack? What happened today in particular?" Janet knew that Sam and Teal'c had been assigned to SG-2 and that today was their first mission through the gate since they lost Daniel. She figured that if she could get Jack to open up and admit the problem to himself then this would help to kick-start the healing process.
"I lost the other two," Jack said simply. "Sam and Teal'c are going through the gate without me, my last two chicks have flown the nest."
"And you're afraid that they've abandoned their 'mother hen' for good?" Janet asked him in a soft voice.
"Hmph," said Jack. "I think they've moved on without me, yes. I'm sure it's a good thing for the both of them and the SGC as well though. I've told the General that I don't want to keep going through the gate any more anyway. I just can't do it. There's no way I'd want to clip either of their wings and ground them here with me. They're out there doing what they know and love and more importantly, they're doing it together. I couldn't really ask for more, now could I?"
"I see what you mean, Sir." Janet agreed. "Are you certain about not going out in the field though? What would you do instead?"
"I've got to sit down and have a serious chat with the General about my options. I don't really want to retire again yet. It's always and option but something's telling me that's not the route I want to take at the moment. As I say, I've really got to talk to the General." he told her.
"I understand, Sir, really I do." Janet looked nervously at him. "Jack…" she hesitated. "…would you let me give you something? Something so you can rest. Either in the infirmary or on the couch in here if you'd be more comfortable."
"I'd prefer to stay here but someone may need something from in here." Jack pointed out.
"Not a problem, Sir." Janet said confidently. "I can lock you in and I'll even post someone to make sure no one disturbs you, apart from me. I'll come and check on you at regular intervals, if you don't mind. Once you're asleep I'll be careful that I don't wake you when I open the door. I'll be very quiet, Sir."
"Sure thing, Janet. What have you got - a shot or something? Did you come prepared?" he asked.
"I'm always prepared, Sir." Janet told him. "I have to be around here. Lie down here, Jack, and lose the boots."
Janet moved the cushions to one end of the couch for Jack to rest his head on. She patted them invitingly once Jack had removed his footwear.
As he lay down she had a sudden thought, "You've not been drinking today, have you, Sir? I need to know before I give you the shot."
"Not since yesterday, Doc. Just when I got home, before bed." he told her.
She wiped his bicep with a sterile wipe before injecting the sedative into his arm. "OK, once you've had a good sleep please promise me you're going to try and do something about the drinking. You know you can't keep on the way you are, drinking is never a solution. You're a stronger man than that, Jack. In your heart you know that too."
"Hmm, pr'mise J'net," came the slurred reply.
Janet sighed, the shot was obviously taking effect very rapidly on the appallingly tired Colonel.
"Just remember, we're all here for you, Colonel." she said quietly as she stroked his hair. She pulled a blanket out of the cupboard by the door and covered the now sleeping man with it. She pulled out the desk chair and sat for a few minutes, watching him sleep, before she moved quietly outside and locked the door behind herself.
She used the phone in the corridor to call General Hammond and waited until the SF arrived that the General had sent down. She gave the soldier strict instructions that no one was to be allowed inside the office and to call herself immediately if Jack tried to leave.
Then, with a heavy heart, she made her way back to the infirmary to make herself a very strong cup of coffee.