Hi, Lord Muffintops here. So... A few ramblings. One: I have never watched the Amnesia anime and never will. I've already played the game badly by myself, so I don't need to watch a show that is basically someone else doing that for me. Otome game animes are rarely satisfying... Sadness. Two: Toma is the hardest character to write so far. I definitely had to delve into his personality and use a lot more imagination as compared to the others. I hope you enjoy the story... ^~^

~ Toma ~

Hating me... Even if she meant it, and she had a right to, it didn't change anything on my end. My fingertips grazed her cheek, and even though she flinched she didn't slap my hand away or yell at me to stop. I took the liberty to wipe her tears away, watching as she sniffled and frowned angrily at her own weakness. It was a dangerous thing in her, to be so closed off to the possibility of not being strong one-hundred percent of the time. It led to her not understanding herself, not knowing how to deal with her emotions.

"Listen, Michi..." I began, hesitant.

"Why should I listen to you?" She muttered petulantly.

"Because I have genuine concern for you."

She looked into my eyes, a sort of confused despair sinking into her expression. "I know," she whispered. "I don't get it."

"We've always been friends. I'm worried by nature."

"But... I..." She suddenly lashed out, hitting my chest in frustration. I recoiled, surprised at how much the force of the blow hurt even though I knew her strength. "I told you to stay away from me. Don't you remember?"

"Of course I remember." Every detail of the day she'd broken up with me was etched into my memory, burning there.

"I have it now too…" She closed her eyes, brows furrowing to heighten the sense of pain on her already strained, pale face. "You begged me to still be your friend after that. I said yes, but we were never as close after that, and it got worse between you and me as Shin and I got closer."

"Right." It sounded odd the way she said it, as if she were reciting something she hadn't known already, some distant fact from a textbook rather than her own life experiences.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and opened her eyes, which were now slightly red and still overly shiny with emotion, again to look at me. Tired. She looked so damn tired. Scared, too, and confused. It still made me ache to see it; she was even more beautiful now than she had been three years ago, and better yet still the same person on the inside. That had its problems, too, though. "Look, I don't hate you. That just came out because I'm frustrated."

"Why?" I asked instantly, the psychology major in me coming out.

"Don't you try to analyze me, Toma." She scowled.

"I won't. I mean… I really can't help it," I said sheepishly.

"Hey…" She held her fist up again as a warning.

"Geez, I get it…" I held my hands up in surrender. "But… Are you willing to talk about what happened back then? I've thought it over so many times but I still don't understand."

She narrowed her eyes, and I fully expected a punch to the face. But then she sighed and nodded, crossing her arms defensively. "Go ahead…"

"I asked you if you wanted me to stop, multiple times. But all you said was 'I don't know'. You knew me well enough, you still do, to understand that if you'd said stop I would have, right?"

"… Yeah," she admitted begrudgingly.

"But you didn't, and then you freaked out in the end. You can understand how I'd be totally confused, right?"

"Yeah, but all you said you wanted to do was touch me a little more. You didn't warn me that you were going to start biting me like that!" She snapped, one hand going up to her braid and touching it gingerly as if the sensation of having her hair pulled like I had was still stinging there.

"I know, I know. I'm not trying to put the blame on you. That's on me. I just… You never told me if you accepted my apology. That's all want to know." The past was the past, but having her forgiveness would definitely help me stop regretting what had happened, what I'd done.

She stared at me in pure shock, and then a wry smile twisted her mouth before she barked out a laugh. "That's what you're worried about? Me accepting your apology? Not me explaining myself?"

"That's your choice. You're not under any obligation to me."

She shook her head, expression turning gentle. "You amaze me. How weirdly good of a person you turn out to be in these situations… Yeah. Apology accepted."

I sighed and smiled with relief. "Thanks…" I wanted to hug her, but with everything being said that advance would definitely be the wrong move.

"I guess… I mean… I owe you that same consideration. You deserve to know why, at least. Maybe then we can both just move on from this point…" She glanced away. "With a new start to our friendship."

I stared at her now. "What?" A new start? I didn't dare get my hopes up for how far a new start would go, how far we'd be able to go back to what we'd been once.

"You heard me, I'm literally a foot away from you." Red stole across her cheeks, down her neck and on her ears. "What happened was…" She waved her hands around in small circles as if trying to help the words cast themselves out. I actually held my breath as I waited, tensed for the answer to the question that had been in the back of my mind for years now. "I… I liked it." She looked at me expectantly.

"What?" I repeated.

"Is that not simple enough for you?" She snapped. "God!" She shook herself. "Sorry, I'm sorry. You don't deserve for me to yell at you. But I'm going to yell at you anyways, I think… I'm telling you I liked it when you hurt me!" She leaned in a bit closer as she said it, pushing the statement at me with more force.

"Um." I blinked. "Is that it?"

"The hell you mean, 'Is that it'?!"

"No, no, it's just… I thought it was because I hurt you, but really you were just…?" Could that really be all? This was insane. "Are you just masochistic?"

"D-don't say it!" She clapped her hands over my mouth. "I… I was so scared of you finding out. I mean, liking pain… That's disgusting and twisted. What kind of person does that make me?"

"Disgusting and twisted?" I echoed. "Says who?"

"Says…" She blinked. "Normal people?"

"What's normal? You don't think there's tons of people who have their preferences, ones a lot kinkier than that?"

"Er…" She shifted uncomfortably. "Well… It's just that…" She shook her head, looking defeated suddenly. "I was supposed to be strong. There wasn't any room for me to be weak at any point. As my dad's alcoholism got worse, more and more fell on me. Not even for a second could I allow myself to want a break or to run away. But then, you were able to get that freedom. You offered me a chance to run away too, and I wanted to scream because I just couldn't do it. I had that obligation to my dad. The dutiful daughter. You just… You made me want to give up and let you help me. Save me," she whispered. "Then… You started… doing that stuff. I realized… I liked it. I liked being dominated. I liked losing control. Because I had to be strong every other second of the day, nothing felt better than allowing myself to be weak. I… I couldn't afford to sink into that feeling. So I had to run." She smiled, bittersweet. "Besides. I was scared of what you'd think of me if you realized…"

"Michi, why do you think I bit you in the first place?"

"What?" She frowned, confused.

"It took two for that to happen." Had she seriously never considered this? "For that, there has to be someone who likes being hurt and someone who likes hurting. Understand?"

It processed slowly, but then she let out a squeak and covered her mouth with her hands. "You…?"

"Yep. And there's nothing wrong with that, see? It doesn't make me a bad person. And…" I got serious, looking into her eyes steadily as she dropped her hands to reciprocate that. "Wanting to be weak, to not have to be in control, just for a while, that doesn't make you a bad person either."

"I had responsibilities!" She cried out, shaking her head once, tossing bangs into her face in messy strands. "I wanted to give up… And I… I blamed you for that… Me being masochistic, that was hardly even a part of the issue. I realize that now. It was me wanting to run and wanting to use you as my excuse." She looked at me miserably. "You see? I had to get away from you, or else I really would have run from my responsibilities."

"But would that have been a bad thing?" I murmured. For two more years, she'd worked herself to the breaking point trying to be a child taking care of a parent. She really had cracked, I'd thought, we'd all thought, after her dad had been killed. "Finally living for yourself, would that have been a terrible thing for you to do?"

She smiled weakly and shrugged. "Who can say? What's done is done."

"I just… I want you to be happy." I smiled. "As a friend." I paused. "Michi… You can cry, you know. You can be weak in front of the people you trust. That's part of why we're here."

She shook her head. "I appreciate it, but… That part of my life is over now. I'm fine; I'm working towards new goals. New happiness." She finally gave me a sincere smile as she brushed hair from her eyes. "Thanks, Toma. For helping me figure this out. Talking to you really is a relief."

That part of her life was over now, she said.

I wanted to say that it wasn't. That we could pick up where we left off, build that life together. But she was right, of course. Knowing the deep truth behind what had ended our relationship was well and good, but it didn't erase everything that happened in the time that had passed. When Michi had come back from grieving for her father, she'd gravitated towards Shin instantly and pursued him as if that was her job, as if her life depended on it. I'd helped as the supportive friend, wanting them both to be okay. Hoping vainly that we could go back to the old days; the three of us as best friends, an inseparable trio.

But I would have never predicted that they'd end up loving each other even after what had happened, that they would get past the burdens of their parents to find each other's arms; maybe I would have acted differently, ashamed as I was to admit it, if I'd known. And there was Ikki, too. Michi would have pushed away his advances outright if she'd wanted. But she didn't, so she at least in part had feelings for him as well. Then, Kent. She'd chosen to pursue a friendship with him over interacting with me, then had accepted a date with him while in my presence as well. I'd chalked her distracted distance up to lingering uncomfortableness, but then she'd suddenly approached me as if nothing was wrong; she'd finally deemed me worthy of her time again. I couldn't comprehend it whatsoever.

I couldn't tolerate it either. Sometimes I felt it strongly, a deep desire to take what I wanted and be done with it, finished with being the supportive background helper in everyone else's happiness. Why was I the one to get left behind? It was a plethora of dangerous thoughts; I could easily become a dangerous person. Yes, I was fixated on Michi, all because I had wanted her to fix me. The pain of divorce, the necessary twist of one's self to cope with being caught in the middle. Then creating this helpful, kind self to attract others with only Shin and Michi as my real friends; the only ones I really cared about.

When they drifted away into their own problems, Shin mostly with his excessive intense studying and eventually his father becoming a killer, then his own parent's divorce, and Michi always working and working and worrying about her father before and after his death, it left me isolated. The way they always seemed to gravitate more towards each other for understanding. It was as if they knew that I wasn't even all the way real. This kindness was part of me, surely. My real self. But the other part of my self… I had to keep it stomped down, chained back, caged.

I had taken up psychology so I could understand myself. I could answer my inner demons clinically; a split personality born from a need to cope with feelings of being alone. My fatigue, my bouts between insomnia and sleeping too much, loss of appetite or eating too much randomly. Feeling hopeless and irritable all at the same time. Apathy, emptiness. It all screamed clinical depression. But what would medication help if I still had no one by my side?

If I didn't have her by my side.

I just smiled. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah, a bit less dizzy."

"Maybe you should rest here for a while, just in case." I just wanted to hang on to her for a little bit longer. That was all. I could be satisfied with that much.

"No, I really should get back. I'm moving into a new place tomorrow, so I need to finish packing for real." She smiled, seeming excited about the prospect.

"Okay then, but be careful."

"I will." She stood and I moved to walk her to the door. "Really… Thanks again, Toma."

"Anytime. You know I'm here for you."

"I know. It means a lot." She smiled just one more time, warm. "See you later."

"Bye…" I watched her go for a while before locking myself back up in my den of solitude. There was nothing I could do to hold on to anything, to keep it in my grasp with no chance of escaping, not unless I changed my tactics to those of a monster. If I did that, Michi would never forgive me. I'd already risked that once; I couldn't do it again. I was already closer to the breaking point, having watched her become closer and closer to people who weren't me, who didn't need her as much as I did; I had to stay calm, stay the me that she accepted.

The loneliness would break me otherwise.