Sticks and Stones - Chapter 22 - by Emma Nisbet (grnfield)
When Jack returned he found he found Sam gazing out across the pond, staring across the water at a spot about a million miles away.
"Penny for 'em," he said quietly.
His hushed words made her jump so he moved past Sam and sat down on the other chair. He turned to face her and took one of her hands gently in his own.
He looked her in the eye and asked softly, "Are you OK?"
She looked at him for a moment and bobbed her head a little. "Uhm…I'm not…I'm not sure…" she stopped, unable to form the words that she really wanted to say.
"Hey, it's only me. Talk to me, Sam." Jack said quietly, lifting her hand to his mouth and kissing the delicate knuckles. He could see tears shining in her eyes and his heart fluttered, wondering what had happened to upset this beautiful young woman.
"Talk to me," he begged. "Sam, please."
"It's just…all this," she waved her arm to cover the pair of them. "You, me, the kissing, the touching. What are we doing? Is this going somewhere or when we go home is it going to be like nothing happened? If that's what it is then I want it to stop…right now."
She jabbed one of the fingers on her free hand into his chest. "You can't play with my emotions like this. You know how I feel about you…how I've always felt about you. If this turns out to be just some weekend guilt trip thing to make you feel better then I just couldn't handle it. I'm not just some plaything that you can use when you see fit and then leave high and dry when you don't."
Sam's voice had jumped in pitch and the tears had broken free from her eyes. Jack stared at her, open mouthed, not entirely sure where all this had come from or where it was going. He'd done some heavy duty thinking overnight and it seemed that Sam had too.
Sam's thinking, the Colonel observed, had obviously gone off in a completely different direction to his own.
"We can't start anything now, any more than we could have done anytime in the last seven years. I'm going off-world all the time, I never know where I'm going to be from one week to the next. You…" she jabbed him again with her finger. "…you…you're virtually never on Earth. You hide away on the Alpha site and we don't hear from you for weeks on end. Then suddenly you pop up out of the blue, tell us we've got to book two weeks leave - which, I hasten to add wasn't easy to arrange at such short notice. Then we drive all the way here and you hardly say two words to me the whole way. To…to…to go and collect firewood and cook dinner. Then…then you kissed me and…and…"
At this point any last vestige of the self control that Sam had been clinging to left her, and she virtually threw herself into Jack's arms.
He gathered up the sobbing woman, clinging to her tightly. He slid the two of them down until they were sitting on the boards of the dock and slowly rocked her from side to side. He quietly murmured nonsense in her ear as he waited for the worst to pass and for her to become a little calmer.
#
He felt the moment that Sam came back to herself; a tenseness sprung into her body and she drew in a deep, ragged breath.
When she tried to push away from him, he only allowed her to go a short distance. He knew that this conversation needed to be brought to a proper close before the two of them next parted company. If it was left as it stood currently then the friendship that was so very important to the two of them would be forever sullied and the spark would never be able to be rekindled.
Jack allowed Sam to sit up fully when she pulled her hands free of his. She then buried her face in her arms and let out a long, frustrated wail. Jack realised that she was shivering and he reached behind him to snag a blanket that he'd fetched when he'd collected his fishing box earlier.
Carefully he wrapped the blanket around Sam's shoulders and she took her face out of her arms so she could grab the edges and tighten them around herself.
"Thanks," she whispered, using the corner of the blanket to wipe her eyes.
"S'Okay," he replied quietly, his thumb gently wiping away a smudge of mascara from under one of her eyes.
He turned the rub into a tender caress, which he was grateful to see that she allowed.
"Want to tell me where all that came from?" he asked softly. "I guess you were mulling things over and over all night? You could have always come and talk to me, whatever the time, I hate to think of you getting yourself so worked up. I know I'm not big on talking but this does kinda concern me to, you know? I knew I should'a spoken to you last night but with Teal'c there it just wasn't right. I thought things were OK, really I did. I'd have never left it if I'd realised how upset you were."
"Last night," Sam let out a short, choked laugh. "I wasn't upset last night, quite the opposite in fact."
"What d'ya mean?" Jack asked, frowning slightly in confusion.
"Last night was…well, totally unexpected." Sam admitted. "I buried my feelings for you deep down, so many years ago, that it seemed almost surreal to be kissing you. When I went to bed my mind was racing and I couldn't stop thinking over different scenarios in my head,. I kept remembering you asking me if we were OK, then turning to go inside. I guess after lying there for hours with my brain in top gear that it seemed like that was the end of it. After I'd had a taste of something that I'd previously thought was firmly in my dreams…well the thought that it might not have meant anything to you…it was just too much to handle. After a while all I could see was you turning away and leaving me."
She let out a sob and buried her face back into her, now blanket covered, arms.
"And you didn't feel you could come and speak to me?" Jack said, mortified that he'd upset Sam in this way. He'd offered the shoulder squeeze as a reassuring gesture but Sam's overactive imagination had obviously translated it into something completely different. He wanted to see her eyes when he explained this to her but he recognised her need to hide in the blanket. Instead he raised his left hand and gently stroked her hair while he spoke to her. "Sam, I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. I'd hope you'd know that that after all these years. I didn't plan on kissing you yesterday, Sam, it just happened. I don't regret that it did, but I do regret not talking to you last night, or at the very least, first thing this morning."
Her face flew up from it's hiding place and she looked straight into his eyes. "No. Don't blame yourself, Jack, please. Logically I know that I should have come to talk to you last night, but the logic part of me was too busy being crushed by my heart to make me see since. I still don't know what's going on between us though, I don't know what you want from me."
She adjusted her grip on the blanket and drew her knees up closer to her chest. She wrapped the blanket tighter around herself and rested her chin on her knees to wait for his reply.
"Sam…where do I start? I wish I had Daniel's way with words at times like these." Jack paused and looked up at the sky, rapidly trying to collect his thoughts and feelings together. "I knew you had feelings for me years ago, but I thought that was all in the past. I said that I didn't mean to kiss you and I meant it. Even if I'd planned it, I wouldn't for one moment have expected you to reciprocate. I'm not a young man any more, Sam. I'm a cranky old Colonel with dodgy knees and no command. I'm pretty much never on the planet and my history in relationships ain't been that hot in the last eight years or so. For the life of me I can't see what someone in their prime of life - like you - would see in someone like me. I'm certainly past my best and all I've got to look forward to in my future is retirement."
Jack stopped and his head dropped dejectedly to his chest.
Sam was stunned - how could the man she loved with all her heart have such a low opinion or himself?
Tears slowly coursed down her face as she untangled her arm from the blanket. She reached out her hand and stroked the side of Jack's face.
When he didn't move she gently lifted his chin, forcing his eyes to meet her own. She could see that his eyes were filled with unshed tears and she swiped at her own with her other, still blanket covered, hand.
"How can you say that?" she asked. "There are so many people who'd give their right arm to have seen some of the things you've seen, to visit some of the amazing places that you…we've been to. So many people admire you. The men look up to you and the women - well, I'll admit that I'm probably the leading member of the Jack O'Neill fan club." She let out a little chuckle, "How can you be so blind as to not notice the number of women who turn away when you walk past?"
"I don't think so, Sam. I think you're imagining that. I'm old now, hell, I'm almost completely grey - the white's starting up with a vengeance round here." He gestured to the area above his ears with a wave of his hand.
Sam took her hand from his chin and captured his as he dropped it towards his lap.
She brought it to her lips and kissed it softly. "It's not grey, it's silver…and it's lovely.
She dropped her eyes and blushed, "Sorry, that made me sounds like some school girl with a silly crush."
"Hey," he said, as she raised her eyes to look at him again. "It works for me," he said with a chuckle. "You're quite sure it's me you're thinking of like that? You're not confusing me with someone else? Someone more…worthy?"
"No," she laughed. "It's definitely you. It always has been…right from the very beginning."
"Love at first sight?" Jack asked with a twinkle in his eye.
"Something like that, yeah," Sam answered seriously. "Thing is, the regs were always in the way - the chain of command problem was always there. There was no way I would have ever said or done anything to jeopardise the team - that had to take priority at all times - so my personal feelings had to take second place."
"You're a strong woman, Samantha Carter. Way stronger than most, I reckon," he told her. "It is true you know, what I said about the regs - they no longer apply to us."
He raised their clasped hands to his face and, in a copy of her earlier gesture, gently kissed her small, delicate knuckles.
"So, the question is, what do you want to do about it, Sam?" he asked tenderly.
"What I want, and what's practical at the moment, are two completely different things." Sam told him. "What I want is you - completely and in every way. That's just not possible at the moment while we work when and where we do. You're all set up at the Alpha site and with the Goa'uld threat still out there I couldn't justify not going out, looking for ways to defeat them and allies to help us." She sighed, "I don't know, will something always be in the way? It's not like we can turn our backs and pretend that there's nothing out there - that it's all safe in out little corner of the universe - now is it?"
"No, that we can't do," he agreed. "I wouldn't worry too much about my being at the Alpha site causing a problem - I'd give that up in an instant if you asked me to, but with you off the planet so often there wouldn't be much point for the time being. I couldn't, in all good conscience, ask you to stop going out with SG-2 and I wouldn't, it's not my place to do so. Realistically you guys could be vital in finding a solution to the threat from the Goa'uld. Who knows what the future holds, we may defeat them next week or not in either of our lifetimes. Do we need to keep fighting? Yes. Does the universe owe us a huge honkin' favour? Yes. Should we risk putting our lives on hold for a potentially never-ending battle? Hell, Sam - how can I answer that one?"
"You can't," Sam answered sadly. "There is no right answer."
"No, there's not. I don't know about you but I'd settle for a compromise - snatching odd moments of happiness in quiet times with a promise that when the Goa'uld are finally defeated, or at least not a threat any longer - then you stop going through the gate and I retire." Jack looked at her hopefully, trying to gauge her reaction.
"Oh, my," a clearly shocked Sam replied. "You do realise how difficult that's going to be? This is the first time we've really managed to spend a decent amount of time together since Teal'c and myself joined SG-2."
"Honestly though, Sam. Have any of us really had any reason to try?" Jack asked. "I certainly haven't. I'll admit that it's hard to come back to Earth and know that you and Teal'c are out there somewhere under someone else's command, to know that I'm not there looking after you both. I know it was my decision but it's still hard. Also I've not had anything to come back here for so I've tended not to bother. Staying on the Alpha site as much as possible just seems easier all round," he admitted sadly.
"So are you saying that you'd come back more often if you had a reason to? A reason like me?" Sam asked, not quite sure if she was believing what she was hearing.
"Sure I would." Jack said. "I'm not saying it's going to be easy but I'm willing to give it a shot, if you are too."
"Of course I am," Sam cried. "But what exactly are we talking about? Booking leave together I can understand but I don't want to turn this into some secret little affair - sneaking off the moment people's backs are turned."
"Carter," Jack snapped. "Where's that overactive imagination of yours taking you now?"
"What?" Sam answered back, confused by his sudden outburst.
"I'm not talking about starting some sordid affair with you - sneaking off to jump in the sack every chance we get. I want to do this properly. I want to wine you, dine you - romance you. As for this being a secret…let me spell this out VERY clearly; This-does-not-need-to-be-a-secret. Why, in God's name, would I want to keep the fact that we were in a relationship a secret?" he asked. "Half the SGC think that we've been together for years anyway. I think most people would see it for what it is - something that can develop now the chain of command is no longer an issue. They'll be happy for us, Sam, of that I'm certain."
"Oh," Sam breathed. "Wow."
"Good Wow?" Jack asked, cocking an eyebrow towards her.
"Really good Wow!" Sam replied. "We're really going to give this a go? Me and you?"
"Me and you…for as long as we've got." Jack promised. "We'll take it slow, find our feet, work out our schedules to spend as much time together as we can. You go out and kick some serious Goa'uld butt then we can get married and start a proper life together. Until then we'll take what time we can get, when we can grab it, agreed?"
"Ma…ma…married?" Sam stuttered. "Me and you?"
"No, me and Teal'c." Jack said. "Of course, me and you…You do want that - right? I really do want to do this properly. Samantha Carter, I want you to be my wife. Either when the Goa'uld threat is over or when we're both too old for gate travel. I want to make it all official, please tell me you want that too."
"Oh, of course I do. It was just a shock, that's all. So does that mean that the sooner we defeat the Goa'uld, the sooner we can get married?" she asked with a grin.
"Sure does," Jack confirmed. "As if Earth needed another excuse to dislike the Goa'uld - holding up your wedding has got to be one of the most unique!"
Sam gave him one of her mega-watt smiles and threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tight.
Jack hugged her back briefly before he gently pulled her arms from around his neck. He clasped her face between both his hands and looked earnestly into her eyes.
"You absolutely sure about this?" he asked. "Completely 100 certain?"
"Yes, absolutely." Sam cried, tears of joy now rolling down her face. "I've never been more certain about anything in my life."
"Well, I guess…I guess this mean's that we're engaged," he said.
He leant forwards and kissed her passionately. She responded with a contented sigh and returned the kiss with a fiery passion.