Pochamani. My favorite manga in the world has started updating again. So happy. Happiness is all I know, unless I'm hungry. Then I revert back into my demon form. POCHAMANI! Anyways, enjoy the story!
~ Toma ~
"Shit shit shit," I muttered harshly, letting out a following string of curses under my breath. My every ounce of self-control was being pushed to the breaking point and my mind was spinning with a mixture of absolute amazement and confusion and terror. I leaned against the wall for a few moments before I had to go back out to put on a cheerful mask when dealing with customers. "Dammit, Michi…" I groaned.
She had no clue; she just didn't understand what she was doing to me, how much it felt like teasing. But she called it special, and it was. It was mutual in the sense that she was the only person I felt comfortable showing this buried side of myself to. But if she gave me an inch, I wanted a mile. That bite had been my punishment and my mark upon her, but the fact still stood that other guys were in my way. It was a constant struggle, making myself believe that a fourth of her was enough when the most base craving I had was to make her completely mine, body, heart, mind, soul.
But she would stop me, most definitely, from becoming someone monstrous. That was why I needed her, wanted to hold her tightly by my side. All of the old feelings were coming back, twice as strong and infinitely as consuming.
~ Michi ~
"Ice cream… I need… ice cream to sustain me… Ugh…" I sat down after changing out of my uniform and rubbed at my heels. Even if one got used to standing on their feet all day in food service work, it still hurt.
"Hey, Michi?" Sawa sat next to me, smoothing her skirt.
"Sup?"
"Why have you been acting so weird at me today?"
"Ohh…" I laughed awkwardly. "I thought you wouldn't notice."
"I pretended not to since I didn't want to make you worry, but I'm worried right now. Did I do something wrong?"
"No! No. Look, there's no problem. I'm just on edge because I didn't sleep well. I promise." That was true enough, I guessed. A half-lie.
"You sure?" She looked doubtful.
"You know how grumpy I get when I'm hungry? It's like that."
Sawa laughed. "Yeah, you do become a real monster."
I smiled, glad to see the tension dissipated. "I know, absolutely terrible."
"Hey, Michi." There was a poke on my shoulder.
I jumped, hand clenching where I'd been holding it on my neck. "What's up, Toma?" My voice trembled a bit despite the effort to act natural.
"Are we going to walk home together?"
"Yeah." I pulled my boots on and jumped up, eager to get away from Sawa. Sooner or later I'd be able to act normal around the both of them, but now was not that time. "Later, Sawa."
"Bye!" She left out the front door.
"Hang back and talk to me." Toma sat where she had been and pulled me back down by tugging on my wrist.
"What?" I looked at him nervously, pulling the neckline of my shirt up.
He smirked for an instant. "It's pretty visible, huh?"
"I'll find ways to hide it… Is that all you wanted to say?"
"No, I wanted to ask why you've been acting like you have today. And don't try to tell me the same excuse you gave to Sawa. I can see right through that."
"It's just that…" I took a breath. Toma was someone I could share anything with, so this was fine too. "Sawa and I… like the same person. And, uh, this person, sort of confessed to me, and I said no indirectly, but, like…" I blushed. "We still kissed, and I still like him… I just feel like I betrayed Sawa."
Toma paused to think for a little while. "Why not just date him if you like each other? What, exactly, is holding you back?" He looked at me as if he was searching for something.
"Because hoes before bros, Toma." I frowned. It was more complicated than that, but this was all I could really say.
"It's settled then, right? You made your choice, so why are you still worrying?" He frowned, looking partly confused and partly grumpy.
"Because… I didn't want to end up hurting anyone. That was never my intention."
"That's the name of the game, Michi. Love is shitty." Toma paused. "But… You are in love with all three of them. Shin, Ikki, Kent."
I sighed. It was a mess, certainly, but it was my mess and I'd navigate it somehow. "That obvious?"
"Not too much." Toma looked away from me, gazing in an unfocused yet pensive manner at the setting sun through the wide windows of the shop. "It's just that better than anyone, I know what you look like when you're in love."
My heart squeezed for an instant and then beat fast to catch up from the lapse. "Well…" I couldn't figure out what to say after that.
Toma shook himself. "Plus, they haven't exactly made it a secret. Shin and I are too close for me not to notice, I see the way Ikki treats you at work, and hell, Kent asked you out right in front of me."
"Oh, yeah… Sorry about that, again…" I laughed awkwardly, wondering how it must have felt for Toma to have to watch that happen.
He shrugged. "Doesn't matter, right? You're not dating any one of them, so I'm still in the game."
"Game?" I raised my eyebrows.
"Fight, I guess. I don't take it lightly like a game."
"I mean, I actually feel like fighting is a better analogy, but…" I trailed off as he turned back to look at me with a calm and steady gaze.
"I want to fight for you. I don't really care who it is that's in my way."
"What? Fight for me how? I can take care of myself." I tilted my chin up proudly.
"Idiot. That's not what I meant." He took my hand and held it tightly. "I want to right to do this whenever I want. I want you to give that to me. To choose me."
"But…" I squeezed my eyes shut so the vision of him wouldn't mess with my thought process. "Why, though?"
"You said it yourself. We have something special. This thing just between us… I don't think I can share it with anyone else. Do you?"
I opened my eyes and shook my head slowly. "I can't." If I told one of the others, maybe they'd be thrown off a bit, but they wouldn't reject me because of it. At least I was pretty sure not. But Toma was the only one who shared it with me; who had that sort of understanding, who took me to a certain undefined place through this thing only we knew.
"Choose me then."
"Is this supposed to be you confessing to me?" I frowned at him, tugging my hand away. He made it very hard to think straight; I had to focus. "Why are you deciding to say these things all of a sudden?"
His expression grew more frustrated. "You're being sudden too. Asking me to bite you like that… How else am I supposed to take it than that you're interested in me?"
"That's not it!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "I'm eighteen years old, and I…!"
"You what?" He pressed me without hesitation.
I glared at him. "So I have the natural bodily urges of an eighteen year old. What of it?"
"So that's why?" His eyes had that look in them again, dark and scorching as if warning of his possible and unpredictable intentions. "You just want something to get you off? That's fine with me." He leaned forward, hands sliding from my knees up my thighs.
"Wait, wait!" I held my hands up defensively, resisting my reflex urge to punch him out. "It's not as if I don't feel anything for you though." I let out a huff of relief when he stopped moving and looked at me questioningly. "I remember that I loved you once. You were precious to me back then, and of course that impression is in my heart…"
"So what's the problem?" Toma murmured.
"It's not simple. I just…" I searched for the right words. "My heart is all filled up with this love for four different people, and I… I don't know what to do. I don't know what I should be allowed to do. And I'm sorry."
Toma shook his head and took my face in his hands, surprising me with how gentle his grip was, the warmth of his palms. "Good. You should be sorry. It's fucking miserable to try and be happy with just part of you. I want every bit. I want it all to belong to me."
Musca floated next to my ear. "Ooh, a possessive man is no fun. Want me to hit him, Michi? Huh, huh?"
Although the thought of it was attractive for being frankly entertaining, I shook my head. "Toma, I want you to really think about this. Are you just settling because you know we have matching preferences?"
His brows furrowed with confusion. "What do you mean?"
"I'm not the only masochistic person out there in the world. Are you just fixated on me because you feel safe knowing I already don't judge you? Are you just too scared of judgment to find someone else? At least consider it before you answer."
He hesitated, then slowly dropped his hands. "I don't know. I've… never tried. To push the barriers with another girl."
"So… You think it's possible that you're lonely in part through a lack of trying on your own part?" I suggested, trying to be as gentle as possible.
Toma shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. "You're really confusing me here…"
"Confusion is part of problem solving. No worries." In a way he was similar to Ikki. They shared the problem of being held back by fear of trying. Hopefully I was getting through to Toma.
He was still frowning. "Okay…"
"Alright, well, I should go. Gotta figure out dinner." I stood and brushed myself off, and he looked up at me with a disquieted but thoughtful expression.
"Have a good night." He stayed where he was sitting, looking off into space.
"Yeah, you too." Walking home together after that conversation would've been a bit too awkward after all that.
"You did nicely though," Musca commented as I strolled outside. "Still… You two are pretty hard to figure out when you're together. I never know what's going to happen."
"Yeah, well…" I shrugged, laughing awkwardly. That was because around Toma in particular my body tended to act a bit more than my mind did. With him being completely unpredictable on top of that... We were quite the pair. "I need another slap to banish impure thoughts…"
"I can help with that if you want," Musca joked.
I laughed. "Maybe another time."
"So what's for dinner?"
"Why do you care? You don't eat."
"Maybe not, but I can still taste it. It seems like the bond between our sensory perceptions has been getting stronger lately. I'm starting to even be able to taste the foods you eat now."
"Woah…" I cracked a grin. "I guess we're super close now, huh?"
Musca blushed. "So it seems."
"I guess I'll make something great then…" It was almost like cooking for two people; a good feeling, one of companionship to ease the nibbling loneliness I felt at times.
"Michi? Is that you, sweet Michi?" A lilting voice wafted into my perception, a ghost floating back from the past to freeze me in place.
I spun around and saw a face so strikingly similar to mine it made my knees go weak. "Mom…?"
She smiled. "I'm going to save you. Don't worry about a thing." A knife glinted, held in her still delicate fist.
I took one step back but my body wouldn't move beyond that. I was a child again; caught in the freezing rain, hurting and confused.
"Michi! Michi!" Musca yanked on my arm to bring me out of it. "Run, you have to run!"
"Ah…!" I squeaked and stumbled backwards. My head. It was splitting apart at all ends. It made thought impossible. My legs just wouldn't cooperate.
"I promised myself every day that I would see you again and save you from the same demons that haunted me. My darling, dearest, I never for a second stopped thinking of you…" My mother approached with her arms spread out in embrace.
"N-no," I breathed as nausea and tears spiked up in me. Something was wrong here. It barely even felt real.
"Run! Why aren't you listening to me?!" Musca screamed desperately as she tried to drag me along with her weak arms.
The whole world felt fuzzy and unfocused. Why was I here? The world darkened; I couldn't see. All I could do was scream desperately as I registered pain.
~ Toma ~
I sighed and leaned back in my chair. It could never be simple, could it? I always seemed to ruin things just by being overly moody and emotional. Reluctant but without anywhere else to turn, I dialed my phone and waited with mingled impatience and dread.
"Hello?" The answering voice sounded mildly annoyed, matching my own inner feeling.
"Hey, it's me."
"Oh." Shin sighed. "Sorry. I didn't check caller ID."
"Did you just wake up or something?"
"Yeah, I stayed up too late studying… So what's up?"
"I need romantic advice." I waited nervously while there was silence on the other end.
"… Fine. You helped me with that a little while ago, so I'll return the favor. What is it?"
I decided not to mention Michi. He'd given up on her to my knowledge, but it was still a sore point. "Do I deserve to be in love? With anyone, ever? Do I deserve to have someone love me back?"
"Hm." He grunted, letting me know he needed time to think about how to answer these questions.
"I mean, you know what kind of person I am." Michi knew the most, but Shin was the closest confidante I had besides.
"You clearly think you don't deserve anything," he noted calmly.
"But I want… I need…" I groaned with frustration. "Her…"
"Whose interest are you thinking about most when you say that? What I mean is, are you pushing your needs selfishly onto someone or are you taking their needs into consideration?"
"I think of her interests, yeah…" That was why I was so conflicted. I was possessive and two-faced and hiding a secret, hateful darkness, without a doubt. However, Michi and I also had a tie between us that couldn't be erased. And she, if anyone, could keep that darkness at bay. We allowed each other to be ourselves; I was the only one who could help her bloom with this newfound seed of pained love and love of pain in her heart. "I'm always thinking about Michi…" I put my hand to my mouth. Shit. I'd slipped and mentioned it.
"… I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. Anyways…" He sighed heavily, and I felt both guilty and triumphant. I didn't want him to be hurt, but not having to worry about him as a love rival was comforting too. "If you dedicate yourself to balancing out their needs with yours and to being a better person, to treating them well, then yes. It's fine."
"Okay." It was so relieving to hear that from him; he had every right to say no, to judge me and be spiteful. "Thanks…"
"… If you treat her wrong, I'll steal her away."
His deadly serious tone made my spine stiffen. "You're getting a bit ahead of yourself, aren't you? Michi and I aren't even dating."
"I know. Just warning you."
"Well… I won't let go of a good thing easily again."
"Hmph." He almost sounded amused.
"So no matter what happens with Michi… You and I are still fine, right?"
"What do you think, idiot?"
I laughed quietly. "Thanks, Shin."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. You feel better now?"
"I think so. It's just about wondering what to do next. I guess I'll –" I cut off and leaped up to my feet, chair clattering behind me, at the sound of a scream.
"What was that?" Shin asked sharply.
I just knew it in my gut, my heeart. "Michi," I breathed, phone falling from my hand as I sprinted out the door. Once outside I whirled around until I saw a form lying on the ground. "Michi!" I ran up to her and crouched, knees getting soaked in blood that was spreading in a thick puddle on the pavement. "Oh my god, oh holy fucking shit, Michi…" I put my hands to her stomach where a gaping wound was bleeding profusely. The phone; I'd dropped the phone and couldn't call for help. Going back to get it would mean leaving her side though. I just couldn't do that.
She breathed in short, hitched gasps, tears streaming down her face. "M… mom… Mom… Why… I…" Her hands gripped at mine desperately. "M… Mus… ca… Help… me…"
"Don't talk… It's going to be okay. It's okay…" I scooped her up and started running. I wouldn't lose her right after I'd gotten her back. I would never let go of these hands.