Well, something weird happened… I guess this is the final chapter. I mean, it definitely is.
See, a sneaking suspicion of mine came to fruition. You know how most otome games have a so-called "true ending" with one guy, like how Ukyo is that guy in the original Amnesia game (even though our Shinny boy claims the front cover)? Fruity suspicions bore that for this story, Toma is Michi's "true ending". That being said, this is it.
Don't get me wrong. I ship her with all the guys and I have my biases. But… Read and maybe you'll see where I'm coming from? Anyways.
Thank you so much for reading. I've appreciated so much everyone that reviewed and otherwise showed support. Despite all of the mistakes I made you guys read until the end and again, I appreciate it so very much.
Enjoy the story!
~ Confession (Woo-hoo) ~
~ Michi ~
I waited.
Hours passed. The blaze of fireworks came and went, and so did the people who came to talk to me from my stationary place standing near the entrance of the park.
Finally, towards the end of the night where all that was left to us was a half-empty box of sparklers, Shin approached me.
"Hey." He paused to look me over. "You look good."
I couldn't bring myself to respond to the compliment. "Hey."
He sighed. "What are you waiting here for? He's not coming."
"I know that by now." But somewhere deep down I was still stuck pretending.
"Shit," Shin muttered. "Toma told me not to tell you this, but… You deserve to know."
Dread lurched up in my throat and I had to swallow it down. "… What is it?"
"Toma quit his job and moved out of his apartment. He's leaving tonight. I don't know to where. But –" Shin ducked as one of my shoes came flying at his head. "Shit. Hey –" He fell down completely as I chucked the other one.
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?!"
"Like I said, he asked me not to."
"Why?!" I repeated in a snap.
"You know why."
"Dammit," I breathed, hiking my yukata up my thighs before breaking out in a sprint. I was the only one. The only one who could convince him to stay. That was why he hadn't said anything.
People stared, but it didn't matter. My feet got scraped up by the gravel of sidewalks and the road, but I didn't care. I could only breathe, feel properly, once Toma's apartment building came into view. I hated and loved this place so much.
I stumbled through front where all of the mailboxes in starkly anonymous silver rows were stacked and up the stairs to the second floor and where I'd known Toma to live. Banging on the door yielded no results, but the knob turned easily when I jerked at it.
I stepped into darkness. The blue and gray blanket on his bed that he'd never bothered to fix in the morning was gone. It was all so completely bare and… so lonely.
"Seriously…!" My feet led me in a panic back outside. He couldn't have left yet. It was impossible to accept it, or any of this. Where could he have gone? The café? Shin's house? No, he already had said goodbye to Shin and quit his job. Then… Maybe, just maybe…
It wasn't far to my own apartment. I was in the middle of punching the up button on the elevator and realizing that it would have been way faster to take the stairs when I saw a flash of yellow in the corner of my eye.
"Hey!" I spun around and saw Toma already halfway out the door. "HEY!" I chased him out. "Wait! I said wait!" I grabbed his shoulder roughly and yanked him around to face me. He had his eyes squeezed shut tightly. "What are you doing?"
"I can't look at you right now." He shook his head. "So if you want to talk… This is how it's going to be."
"Whatever. As long as you can hear me it's fine." There were so many questions I had, but since I was probably going to be confused no matter he told me I figured I should just say what I had gone to the fireworks show to say in the first place. "Toma, I love you."
His hands clapped to his mouth and he turned around abruptly.
"I love you," I repeated. "I don't need you, but I love you. I can live without you, but I don't want to. I want you by my side. I want to support you."
A tremble seemed to run down his entire body. "I… I can't, Michi."
"Why not?" I asked quietly.
"I need you. I don't feel like I can live without you. I want to hold you… Just for me."
"That's fine. I only want to be with you anyways."
"That's not what I meant! It's… I want to keep you to myself. I don't want any of the others to look at you ever again. I'm scared to let you escape. If it goes on like this… If I let myself sink further into this… I'm going to hurt you someday, Michi. Hurt you badly."
"I won't let that happen. I'll protect you, fight you, whatever it takes."
He hesitated and was silent for a while so I carefully approached him and tugged at the back of his shirt. "So don't go, Toma."
He turned around slowly and took a few steps back, revealing wet eyes and an expression weighted with pain and regret. "I'm not going to make you live that way. I have to do this."
"Toma…" I started after him.
"Don't! Just don't." He took a deep breath after his voice started to tremble. "I already deleted your contact info, blocked you and changed my number. I… I want nothing to do with you."
"But… W-wait…" I stuttered, dumbfounded. "I thought…"
"I don't love you. It's not love."
"What is it, then? What was all of this to you?"
"Bye, Michi."
"Toma!" No matter how many times I called after him, he didn't turn back.
~ Two Years Later ~
"Hey master, what the fuck can I do for ya today?"
"I'll have the maid special, please."
"Sure." I scrawled it and went back into the kitchen. "Maid special for table four, Sawa."
"A shocking number of people still request you, even after you came up with that special greeting of yours…"
"Hey. Who am I to deny to the masses what they crave the most?"
She laughed. "Seriously… It's a bit creepy, don't you think?"
"Some people like being taken down a peg, you know." I winked and helped her to pull out ingredients.
"You've been pulling more shifts lately, huh?"
I gritted my teeth at the faint pity lacing her tone. "Can you blame me? The manager's so particular he hasn't hired any new people since Shin went to college and… yeah." The other absence usually remained unspoken in my presence."
"Yeah."
"Imma go take more orders, then I'll be back to help you."
The cafe was more tolerable with my new technique for the whole maid act, but I still found myself generally floating through things at work and the curriculum at Myouga University, doing enough to be considered above average but never quite exceptional. Still, I was luckier than a lot of people. No monthly rent, a manager willing to work with a tight schedule. Life could definitely be worse.
At first I had cried myself to sleep too often to admit, missing Toma desperately all while some other strange emptiness carved at my heart. It was humiliating and infuriating at first, and then it eventually faded to embarrassing, and then to stupid, and then I stopped crying and turned my face towards the future. A college education wasn't something I'd been sure I could handle paying for by myself, but I guessed that was just what loans and scholarships and never going to bed before hours past midnight were for.
It wasn't as if I didn't miss him or think of him from time to time. It wasn't as if there wasn't a pit hiding somewhere in me I couldn't find. Toma wouldn't fill it. I knew that very well. Maybe it was just meant to be there. I was reminded that there were still precious things to be gained, in a way. Something… Something would heal me in this way. Until then… Until then.
"Whaaaaatever." This is what I usually said by the time I plopped down into bed after work, homework, and a shower. It had been recommended to me by Mine that I start journaling my feelings, but I'd given up on that after three attempts. It had felt far too unnatural. Instead I talked about my day to the space around me, letting the experiences flow out and around to vanish in peace.
"So…" I began. "Got up. Good start. Had oatmeal for breakfast. It was too watery, but I was too lazy to heat it up more. Then my first class. Then work at food service. College dining halls are not places for the weak. Then my second class, then my third class, then work at the café until close, then homework. Shit. I forgot lunch again. Anyways. Oatmeal redemption for dinner. Not so watery this time. Like I said. REDEMPTION ACHIEVED. Homework. Shower. Bed. Talk. The new toothpaste is working out. Minty. All in all, a normal day. Overly oatmealy… But not so bad."
The silence made no reply, but I liked to think that it accepted my commentary. I normally drifted off to sleep not long after completing this process, but the chime of the doorbell resounding through the space just barely managed to motivate me to get out of bed. Thank the stars it was Friday.
"What can I do for ya…?" I saw him and processed that he was actually here while I was talking, so after the question I just stared uselessly.
"Hey, Michi." Toma smiled at me. "I'm back."
I promptly slammed the door in his face but returned a few moments later. "So I went in to look for something that would be great to bash your head in but then I realized that MY FISTS ARE THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT HYAAAAH!" I leaped at him, fist connecting with his face while I swept his legs out from underneath him. "BASTARD WHO DIDN'T EVEN SEND A POSTCARD! A POST! CARD!"
"Shit, Michi! Stop!"
"NOT UNTIL I'M DONE! I'm done." I slid down against the wall while he wiped at his bloody nose. "So. You're back. Been a while."
"Yeah."
"So where were you all this time?"
"Backpacking across Europe."
"That's so fucking cliché."
"Whatever…" He sat up and leaned against the opposite wall. "What about you?"
"College. Work. Adulting."
"What's your major?"
"Psychology."
"Really? I never knew you were interested in that kind of thing."
"Yeah. Thinking about the ways people think and why… It's interesting. People like you, and my mom."
"Oh." His expression softened. "Michi… This must be sudden for you."
"Of course it is. I thought you'd left forever. I was generally prepared for that."
"Since when did I say I'd never come back?"
"Well that goodbye felt pretty damn final!" I snapped. "You told me you didn't care about me!"
"Yeah, well… I lied."
"Say what now?"
"I lied! You were trying to get me not to leave and I almost gave in."
"So you said something incredibly hurtful to confuse me and leave me crying an unspecified number of time. Cool."
"Oh."
"It's whatever! So explain it to me. I'm not seriously angry at you anymore… Just blowing off some steam. I had a long time to stop being mad. So just let me understand."
"Well… I just needed a long time. I needed you so much I wanted to hurt you. I think it was important to save both of us from that. So I left for Europe. I'd gone there on study abroad before, so it made sense. So I just sort of went around. I met a weird German guy who called himself Noize. Also a French guy literally named France. He was very stereotypical. Well… I waited until a day came where I didn't think about you so much it felt crippling. Eventually I stopped dreaming about you too. You weren't the first and last thing I thought of every day. In the end I was able to think about you being with someone else without feeling crazy. So I decided to come back just to let you know that… I just want you to be happy."
"That all?" I sighed and stood. "Alright. Message received. Look… You didn't have to come back. I'm fine." I grinned. "But you too. Hope you're happy, Toma."
"I am." He offered the most sincere smile I'd ever seen from him.
"So what now?" I pulled him to his feet.
"I'm not sure."
"Wanna come in?"
"Yeah." He looked around as he followed me in. "Nice place…"
"Right?" I went into my room and grabbed my phone before throwing it at his face. "Your contact info."
He laughed. "Sure."
I sighed and crossed my arms. "I'll be honest. The only reason I'm so calm right now is because I don't know how to react. A large percent of me wants to continue kicking your ass. But I'll refrain, at least for now. So…" I swiped my phone from him once he held it out. "Let's just start over. Everything that's happened up until now is definitely a part of us, but… I think moving on will benefit us a lot more than me holding everything against you."
"Thanks, Michi. Really..." I could almost feel his relief. "Thank you."
"So."
"So…" He shifted, looking like the big puppy I had missed so much.
"You wanna go get drunk?"
"Heck yeah. I haven't had sake in such a long time… I miss it."
"Okay. We get drinks, we bring 'em back here, and we watch abridged anime. Let's do this." I marched out the door.
"You're not wearing pants."
"What the fuck ever."
"Put on some pants. I will never ask anything of you again if you just put on some pants."
"Fine." I marched into my room and pulled on sweatpants before heading back out. "You're paying, because you were a negligent asshole."
"I thought you weren't going to be mad at me…"
"I've earned the right to hold it over your head at least three times, I think."
"Sounds fair…" Being that he was foolish enough to accept I took full advantage and had him get a copious amount of wine coolers.
"So, what's the appeal of taking shots?" I asked once we were back inside the pantsless safety of my apartment.
"I think it just lets you get drunk easier to drink in fast small amounts."
"I'd rather just drink in fast large amounts if I wanna get drunk."
"So which abridged are we watching?"
"All property rights belong to Tite Kubo. Time to Bleach it up, bitch. Time to… uh… Blitch it."
"Neat?"
Twenty-three episodes and two movie specials later, we were both generally incoherent.
"Lemme tell you what I'm a gonna do," I drawled, legs in the air as I rested my head in Toma's lap.
"What you gon' do?" He ran his hands through my hair.
"Imma gonna write… a FANFICTION."
"Oh my gosh you're such traaaaash. Such beautiful wonderful sexy traaaaash. You're the kind of trash someone looks at and they're like, shouldn't that be recycling?"
"Lemme tell you about this fanfiction though. Because, let's be honest, that's all that matters. That. Is. Aaaaall."
"Okay, that's legit."
"I'm gonna write a Bleach fanfiction. With an OC."
"What's an OC though?"
"It's an Occupied Cactus. IT'S AN ORIGINAL CHARACTER YOU IDIOT!"
"Okaaaay… Don't get mad just 'cuz I'm not trash like you…"
"Whateeeever. So I'm gonna write a Bleach fanfiction and there's gonna be an OC and she's gonna be like WHAAM POW I'M SO STRONG BUT ALSO HAVE REALISTIC CHARACTER FLAWS and then she's gonna like get with the little snowflake guy so HARD like yeaaaaaah!"
"Isn't he like a kid though? That's daaaangerous."
"That's the thing! Nobody knows! Nobody knows how old any of them are! IT'S PERFECT."
"Okay then."
"Or maybe she'll get with someone else… There are so many choices…"
"You're drooling. Stop drooling."
"Or maybe I'll write a My Hero Academia fanfiction. But there's even mroe confusion there... Shoto. He's just peerfect. Perfect terrible backstory for a sweet lady to come in and comfort him with ehr own awesomely terrible backstory. But he ahs Momo. I JUST CAN'T SHIP IT! i CAN'T SHIP HIM WITH ANYONE BUT MEEEE! WHY CAN'T I JUST HOP ON THE SHOTOMOMO TRAIN?! DEAR ALL MIGHT I JUST CAAAAAAAN'T! AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT SHINZO GUY WALKING IN ALL SEXY AND PURPLE?!"
"You're not okay! You! Are not! Okay!"
"I can't heeeelp it. I can't help aaanything. You just don't understand the never-ending appeal of 2-D men and their sexy bishounen ways. You'll never understand…"
"I don't think I want to."
"Heyyy, Toma?"
"Mm?"
"I'm glad you're back. Like, really glad you're back."
"Me too… Also, I have nowhere to live."
"Duuude. Your fault for giving up your apartment. But you can take my couch."
"Cool. This is a really comfortable couch. Like, an awesome couch."
"It's my couch. Not yours," I muttered.
"Okay."
"I'm gonna sleep now."
"Okay, cool. I'll be here."
"Cool beeeeans." I didn't know if I forgave him or if I loved him in that moment, but from the bottom of my heart it meant everything just to have him next to me again.
~ Toma ~
That night started my days of trying everything in my power to keep an honest and pure love for her. I'd never stopped, of course. Ending my affections had been impossible from the start. But my love had been toxic and dangerous, so I'd kept away and forced myself to become a person worthy of her until I was able to come back wanting nothing but her happiness, even if that happiness had nothing to do with me.
She fell asleep on my lap, likely dreaming of the 2D men she seemed so fond of. I was able to get up without waking her to go to the bathroom and didn't even really try to resist the temptation to go into her room what with the door being ajar.
"Are you in here?" I whispered. "Thanks for giving us privacy."
Where was Musca? It was downright weird that she hadn't bothered me yet. Normally she'd have bothered the shit out of me already but at the same time been kind in that way she was. No wonder Michi loved her so much. Yet, even as I searched the expanse of the apartment, I found no sign of her.
"Seriously…?" She couldn't be in the hallway? That made no sense. I drifted back into Michi's room and noticed a journal on her bedside table. Having never known her to journal before, I opened it.
The first entry, second, and third entries were the only passages written, as if Michi had just stopped randomly.
So I guess I write my feelings. Well, I feel like shit, paper. That's what I feel like. Toma's gone, and on top of that, I can't shake this loneliness. Shin's leaving too, but strangely enough I don't think it has much to do with either of them. Sure, I thought Toma leaving at first was gonna mess me up for good. But I got over it, just like I got over Mom and Dad leaving me in the end. Time passes. You find more precious things to live for that make you happy and you can make happy too. But even so. Something else is gone. I feel like there's something inside me that can't be filled by anything else, no matter what. I've tried. There are four empty tubs of ice cream in the trash can. Going to go to the gym tomorrow, probably. Not. But I don't get it. I'll write again tomorrow. Too tired for this.
Nothing's helping. I can't think. Something in my heart is breaking. I don't care that it makes no sense or that it's melodramatic. I can't even breathe sometimes. It's not something I'm sad about losing. It's something I need. I don't understand. I wish Toma was here. I think he'd understand if I tried to talk to him about it. He's the only one who'd understand what this feels like. Is this what I make him feel like? No wonder her left.
Yeah, so journaling isn't helping. I quit.
I caught my breath and tried to swallow past a lump in my throat. Musca was gone and Michi didn't remember her. But I did. I was the only one who knew that the thing causing Michi this shattering loneliness and grief was the fact that her closest friend was missing. I didn't understand the circumstances or even why. But somehow, deep inside I understood the reason I remembered.
My purpose, my only purpose, as Musca had always intended. Protect Michi's happiness. And now, finally, I was ready to do that properly. I nodded to myself and placed the journal where I'd found it. "I swear, Musca… You don't have to worry. I'll take care of her."
"What are you doing?"
"Wah!" I jumped when Michi came up behind me soundlessly. "N-nothing. I was just…" I couldn't very well inform her that I was looking for the departed spirit friend she didn't even remember. "I was reading your journal. I'm sorry, I just… I wanted to know that you were okay while I was gone." That was truer than anything at the same time.
She smiled and laughed softly. "Honestly, I'm fine. It's been a hard two years." She blinked as if surprised at herself. "It's been… a really hard two years. How come I haven't been able to say that to anyone else?"
"Michi…" I didn't know what to do to comfort her.
She smiled again, tiredly, and stepped forward to bury herself into my chest, arms tight around me. "It's been hard," she whispered one last time.
"I'm here," I murmured, holding her back with all my strength. "I'm always going to be here." She had saved me by giving me the power and motivation to save myself. Now, I'd return the favor. "I understand. I know exactly how you feel. But I promise, it won't break you. It'll never break you as long as you hold onto something and cherish it properly." Things would have been different two years ago if I'd been able to cherish her like I said. But now, I had a much bigger purpose than that.
"Toma…" Her voice cracked. "Toma." She trembled slightly and let out a soft sob before muffling her sounds into my shirt.
"You're not alone." Never again would this girl be alone.
~ Michi ~
Once again, I waited.
I wasn't waiting consciously for anything, but over time all of the old feelings returned. There was an edge to them, new and profound. I'd known even back then that Toma had loved me, but I'd never known he had the potential to outright treasure me.
He sort of just ended up staying after his promise to be by my side, taking up residence on my couch and doing most of the cooking since I had become a bit of a lazy takeout slob ever since entering college. Eventually I'd started to notice the softness in the way he looked at me whereas before there had always been a glint in his eyes, hard and dangerous. He had been right all along, of course. Him staying back then would have destroyed us and any hope of a real relationship. My power alone wouldn't have been enough to save him. It took the both of us.
"Michi," Toma startled me out of these thoughts by placing a plate in front of me. "Take a break from homework and eat."
"Thanks, Mom." I put my textbook to the side.
"Yeah, whatever." He smiled.
"How was work today?" Toma had applied to the counseling program at Myouga University and had gotten unconventionally hired due to a kickass application and generally amazing life story of self-discovery and ability to psychoanalyze. We ran into each other on campus at times but were both usually too busy running around to stop and chat.
"It went well. I can't say much, because confidentiality, you know. But one of the regulars seems to be feeling a lot better lately."
"That's good…" I smiled warmly. "I'd like to be able to help people like you someday. But I want to focus specifically on mental illness."
He smiled warmly. "I think that suits you. You've been studying like crazy, haven't you?"
"Yup. Exams coming up… I'll be damned if I let multiple choice questions defeat me."
"They won't," Toma laughed. "Not with how hard you work."
"Thanks." I smiled and put down my fork after only taking one bite. "Look. I know you've been searching for apartments lately..."
"Yeah. Not right for me to keep mooching off you, you know?"
"You've been paying rent and cooking. That's definitely not mooching. It's like, anti-mooching."
"Still…" He shrugged, looking away.
"Why do you want to leave, so suddenly?" I murmured.
"Honestly?' He smiled slightly. "I've been here for around seven months, right?"
"Yeah."
"About how long do you think it took for me to want to hold you again?"
"Uh." I blushed hotly. So he'd finally acknowledged it. "Um…"
"I'll just say that it wasn't a long time."
"Oh."
"I want to be there for you, and I always will be. But maybe it'd be better for me to do that while leaving you in peace, you know?"
"Er… Maybe just don't make that choice by yourself? Maybe, like, let me chime in?"
"What?" Toma blinked at me dumbly.
"I love you. So, yeah? Maybe like, rethink, if you're so inclined?"
"Oh. W-wait, since when?"
"Well, there was the whole thing before you left where I literally confessed to you… But it took you leaving and then coming back and showing this new side of yourself for me to realize something, Toma."
"What?" His hands shook slightly.
"You were willing to give up a lot for my sake. Even your feelings for me. I know they were deep back then, if not healthy. And they're just as deep now, but they're so beautiful. I love those feelings. I love you. I want to love you just as tenderly as you seem to love me, Toma."
He smiled tremulously. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
"Hey…" He came over and knelt in front of me, taking my hand and putting it to his chest. "I think I'm having a heart attack or something…"
"You're definitely not. You'd be on the ground by now if you were."
He laughed. "I love you so much. Thank you… Thank you for everything."
"I love you." I leaned forward to hug him, resting my cheek to the top of his head as his hair tickled my collarbone. "I want to love you gently and painfully again. Let's start gently."
"Okay. Anything you want." He tilted his head up and I leaned down to kiss him. It was long and lingering, sweeter than a summer twilight's breeze.
He'd told me before that it would be okay if I never felt whole again, that it was fine for loneliness to be a part of me. That didn't mean that I couldn't find happiness. And I had; all of us had, in the end.
~ Wedding, but with a Question mark ~
Toma and I had a quick wedding a few months into resuming our romantic relationship. It seemed fine to have it just between the two of us, even though we received endless curses from our friends because of it and were forced to hold the longest after party in existence a few days later so we could be properly reprimanded.
"I really don't get what the problem is," I sighed.
Sawa slapped me over the head. "I had a goal, you know! I was supposed to do your makeup for you just like I always used to!"
"I did fine."
"You didn't wear any at all. Don't think I didn't inspect those pictures."
"Like I said. I did fine."
"I'm with Sawa," Mine muttered. "I don't know if I can forgive you easily."
"I'll let you have the first piece of cake." We'd bought a special cake since there hadn't been one to share with everyone on the actual night of the wedding.
Mine paused to consider. "All is well. Come on, Ikki." She dragged her boyfriend off towards the cake.
Ikki turned back to wink at me. "Congrats, Michi."
"Don't give in so easily, Mine!" Sawa scolded her before turning to her own husband. "Tell her, Kent!"
"It is proper for you to feel slighted." He shrugged when I scowled at him.
"I can't believe I flew in for this…" Shin sighed.
Toma slung an arm over his shoulders. "Come on, you know it's more fun here than it is in the States."
"Maybe." He glanced at me. "Happy for you."
I smiled. "Thank you."
"So… Tell me something honestly." Shin looked into Toma's eyes with unblinking seriousness. "Are you going to treat her right?"
"Yeah. I've changed a lot since then, Shin."
Shin sighed. "I know. Just making sure. Long as you're happy, Michi."
"I am, Shin. Really, truly happy." I squeezed his arm reassuringly.
"Well…" He stood. "I'll leave you guys to it."
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"Your overt joy is gross. I'm taking a break from it."
I smiled and watched him go outside. "He hasn't changed a bit."
"I think we all have, in the end. Thanks to you."
"Say what?" I laughed. "What're you talking about?"
"You haven't forgotten, right? Everything you did for us."
"I mean no, I didn't forget. It's not like I have amnesia or anything."
"Ahahaha…" Toma shifted in his seat. "Anyways. Really. You did so much to help all of us. Shin, Ikki, Kent and me. You're the most amazing person." He took my hand. "Thanks for marrying me."
"W-well, you're welcome." I blushed, embarrassed. I'd never done anything remarkable besides just living, but it still meant a lot to hear him say that.
"You're special to a lot of people… More special than you even know," Toma murmured as he kissed my cheek.
"Cut that out…"
He laughed. "Too late now. I'm going to tease you for the rest of our lives."
"Fine," I sighed. "Sounds like a good deal to me."
Once the anger-induced fanfare faded, we all went our separate ways. Shin ended up dragging Toma to his hotel for some reason or another, so I went home by myself. Figuring I had time, I made a few pit stops on the way, not fully knowing why but content to follow wherever my feet led me.
My old apartment, its beautiful creaking staircase. The karaoke joint where one of the worst duets in human history had occurred. The hospital where I'd learned that a certain someone wasn't quite so terrible and womanizing. The café, and its awfully convenient side alley. The lake, its peace and memories. All of these places were things I had shared with someone, and they were so special that it made my heart ache with how full it was.
One person tied all of these memories together, I felt. Something was there, something too far away to see. It hurt, knowing that I might never be aware of it again. But even so…
"I'm happy!" I spread my arms out and looked out over the lake. "I'm happy." My life was finally tying up neatly, allowing for real, true peace. "So don't worry about me."
~ Toma ~
"Alright, so…" Shin yawned before continuing after having basically forced me to come talk to him instead of going home with my wife. "I'm going to ask you one more time. Are you going to make her happy?"
"It's not like I have any other purpose in my life."
Shin barked out a laugh but still narrowed his eyes. "I'm being serious."
"Me too. I'm not taking this as a joke. I know you're asking me honestly. I honestly think that's why I'm here. To make sure that Michi is happy, with or without me. It's just luck on my part that she chose me, I think."
"Maybe so." Shin shrugged. "You caused her a lot of pain after you left. Maybe I still wasn't ready to forgive you for that. But still… I believe you. I believe you more than I ever have. Keep your word."
I smiled. "That a threat?"
"I'm not even sure myself. But still… I know you'll do it."
"I swear."
"Good." He sighed. "Okay, you can go now."
"Shin? Do you still love her?" I was fully aware that he could have made her happy too.
He paused to consider. "I do. But it's not the kind of love you have, where you're married now and are going to start a family someday. It's the kind of love where you want someone who's precious to you to have a good life."
I nodded. "That's a good place to be. It's not like I don't think about that, even now. If one of you guys would have been able to make her happier than me. Michi would kick my ass for even suggesting it… But still."
"Just do your job and you'll be fine. It's not like you guys will never fight or have bad days… But like I said. You'll do just fine."
"Michi doesn't have a father, so… I guess this is the closest thing to a blessing I'm going to get."
Shin shrugged and smirked. "Maybe. Now get out. I'm tired."
"Yeah. Thanks, Shin."
"Whatever… Congratulations, Toma. Have a good life."
"Bye." I left, deep in thought. If even Shin was willing to say those things to me, maybe I could fulfill my purpose. Maybe I could make Michi happy. I laughed. "Never thought I'd get here…"
I liked to think that Musca would have approved, too.
~ Michi ~
"Oh… You got back before me." I laughed as I went into the apartment.
"Yeah." Toma shook his head, sitting up on the bed where he'd been sitting and reading. "You just felt like walking?"
"Just thinking for a while. But it's good to be home."
"It's weird… I think we had the most anticlimactic proposal and wedding ever."
"Pretty much." We'd just sort of agreed to get married while watching abridged anime again one night and the wedding had been small and simple, shotgun style. "I'm gonna get comfortable." I started unbuttoning my dress.
"Alright." Toma stood to leave.
"Where are you even going?"
"Giving you privacy?"
"We're married now, so you literally don't have to do that anymore. I mean, we agreed to start sharing a bed and room once we got married too, so…"
"Somehow I feel like we've done a few things out of order…"
I laughed and changed into my pajamas. "This is a lot more comfortable…" I snuggled up to Toma's side and peeked over his shoulder at the book, joining in progress. Toma finished one more chapter before putting the book down.
"You done?" I asked.
He almost seemed to gaze off into space as he ran his fingers through my hair. "It's getting long again."
"Yeah. I dunno whether to cut it off again or no. What do you think?"
He paused for a while. "… Do you think you'll ever wear pigtails again?"
"Eh? I mean, probably not. Why?"
"… Nothing."
"Really?" I said skeptically.
"Well, it, uh… would make things interesting. You know."
"… Oh." I frowned. "Well, I don't mind a little bit of hair pulling, but I think that would actually hurt too much, and not in a good way."
"Okay then."
"Sorry to kill your fantasy."
"Oh come on, I wasn't…" He blushed and coughed. "Well. I guess this is a good point though. We should probably set up boundaries, maybe a safe word…"
"You think so?"
"Yeah. The first time we did it I realized that I wasn't very good to you at all. I just did whatever I wanted and didn't make sure you were really okay afterwards. I want to be better about that from now on."
I blushed, smiling at him. "It's kind of cute how you're taking this so seriously…"
"I take my future with you seriously." Toma looked at me intently and I twitched under his gaze.
"O-okay. So… Boundaries, you said."
"Yeah… Like, what sorts of things do you absolutely not want me to do?"
I crossed my arms and frowned, going into the possibly deepest moment of thought in my entire life. "If you touch my feet… I will kick your ass. Literally."
"Noted." He paused. "Why your feet? I never really considered that anyways."
"That is my private area. Off limits completely."
Toma tried to bite back a laugh but grinned anyways. "That sounded so wrong… In reference to your feet of all places."
"Whatever, dude. How about you?"
He paused. "I really prefer to be on top. It's not mandatory or anything, but…" He shrugged.
"Okay then." I nodded. "What else?"
"Hm. I can't think of anything right now…"
"It'll come to us as we go along, then. Alright… Now for the hard part. Agreeing on a safe word…"
"It's gotta be short and sweet, and it should stand out a bit, right?"
"Alright. I've got it."
"What?"
"Wait for it." I paused for effect. "Meatloaf."
"No."
"Why not?"
"The absolute last thing I want is to have you yell out meatloaf in the middle of sex. That. Would. Not. Be. Fun."
"Okay then, nix the meatloaf…"
"Let's just outlaw anything food related,"
"Literally all of my ideas were food related."
"That's unfortunate."
"You make a suggestion then!"
He blushed. "What about… pretty please?"
"… You. Are such. A top."
"I know, right?"
"Okay…" I tilted my head back and forth. "You know what, why not? I'll try it."
"S-seriously?" His face got even redder.
"Good luck making me say it, though."
"That's definitely a challenge." He put his arms around me and buried his face in my neck, pressing his lips to my skin hard.
I slipped my hands under his shirt to clutch at his back and nuzzled his hair as he brushed his lips to my shoulder before biting down. "I love you," I whispered.
It was a while before he responded as he took his time undressing me and lacing my body with bite marks. When he raised himself back up to my level I reached up to wipe blood from the corner of his mouth. He took my hand and pushed his mouth to my palm. "I love you too."
I smirked. "Pretty please."
"Doesn't count." He put his hands in my hair. "I'd rather have you begging me to stop." He hesitated, even now. "Are you sure? You don't mind me hurting you like this. It's been a long time for both of us, right?"
"Yeah, so? My preferences have already been established."
Toma laughed. "You know, when I imagined treasuring you, I didn't think this would be a part of it. But it's a part of us, I think."
"Definitely." I pulled him closer.
There were many ways in which two people in love could make each other happy. We just had our own particular ways, and always would.
~ Musca ~
Sometimes loneliness was the price we had to pay for such beautiful memories.
The price we paid in the Spirit World was this: Faera, Nhil, Orion and I would be outcasts. It came as no surprise whatsoever. We had interfered in the affairs of the human world without permission, after all. But it did cause shifts in the Spirit World's system of judgement in that reconsiderations began to be made in how we dealt with humans. They weren't so inferior in the end, with their endless capacities for bravery and love and so many other indescribable feelings and actions.
A girl named Michi Ohayashi had proven that.
In the end, out of respect for Michi, we were given a choice. The reason we had received such strict deadlines in terms of timing was because we were all required to be present for the verdict of our trial. We were then given a choice that we had to answer quickly, with no time for deliberation.
Would we be reincarnated within the Spirit World as new members within its ranks, or would we go to the human world and live out our lives as mortals?
None of us needed to give it very much thought after everything we had witnessed.
Somewhere in the human world, close to those whom fate had touched, a family of a husband and wife and two children can be met. Their names are strange, the husband Nhil, the wife Faera, and the children Orion and Musca.
Orion and I both had the same reason for coming back, just for the sake of different souls. We just wanted to be close again to those people who had become so dear to us, more dear than anything else.
My most precious person.
Michi.
~ Michi ~
The first thing I said to Toma after our first child was born was this:
"Dude, that fucking hurt…"
He laughed, placing light kisses all over my face. "You're okay though. You sure you're okay with the name I picked?"
"You seemed pretty insistent on it, so…" I shrugged and smiled. "No, it's a great name. It's precious."
Our daughter was named Miyu Asuka Ohayashi.
Coming from the kinds of homes we had, Toma and I took care to spoil her and at the same time teach her to kick as much ass as she needed to. She was generally well-adjusted, what with both of her parents being psychologists.
Whenever we walked her to school she refused to let go of our hands as we swung her in the air between us. The small and cozy suburban house we lived in was only a few blocks from the school, Toma and I having been determined to see her off every day rather than subjecting her to the den of depravity that was a daily bus ride.
"What'd I tell you to remember no matter what, Miyu?" I said. She'd started a little while ago, but school still made her nervous.
"To kick ass before taking names because taking names wastes punching time."
"Good! But not that thing. The other thing."
Miyu grinned up at me, blonde pigtails tied with red bows. "That I'm completely amazing."
"Right, kid. So don't you worry about kindergarten. You're going to be great. You'll make friends and learn new things, and life will just be the most exciting thing from now on. You're already reading your own stories before bed!" I smiled warmly, lifting her up to hug her tight. "Time's gonna go by so fast…. I want you to enjoy it."
Toma leaned over to kiss the side of my head before tapping Miyu on the nose. "And what did I tell you?"
"To never resort to beating people up first because the things Mommy does aren't acceptable in most places."
"Exactly."
I shrugged. Unfortunate and slightly offensive, but oh so true. "Alright, we're here." Kids streamed in, waving goodbye to their parents from the drop off at the front of the school. "Miyu." I crouched in front of her. "If you're ever gonna remember anything, then you keep this in mind. You listening?"
"Yeah!" She looked at me with her father's golden eyes, wide and expectant.
"Never, ever doubt that you're loved or think that you're alone."
"Duh, Mommy!" She laughed and hugged my neck before running inside without looking back.
I sighed and stood. "So…" I leaned against Toma's side and took his hand. "You wanna have sex when we get home?"
"Yep." He nodded. "Time for some you and me time."
I laughed as he kissed my cheek. "You know, one of the other moms asked me if I needed help the other day."
"Really? What for?"
I pointed to my neck, where a set of bruises had just now started to really fade. "Guess my scarf slipped."
Toma blushed hotly and cleared his throat. "Oh… Sorry. Guess I need to hold off on that…"
"Don't worry. I told her."
"T-told her what?!"
"Nothing too bad! I just went into a detailed explanation of the different possibilities for S and M couples."
"You… still don't know how to handle conflict… After all this time." Toma looked about ready to fall over.
"Excuse me…" A couple with two children approached us. "Would you mind helping us with directions?"
"Oh, sure." I blinked at the family despite myself. They all seemed almost too beautiful and picturesque for words.
"We just moved here and were looking for the elementary school. We ended up at the junior high and were told that our children needed to spend one more year here… Are we at the correct place?" The mother asked sheepishly.
"Yeah. Our daughter just started a few weeks ago, so I get that it's definitely weird to have to come to a new place. Anyways, yeah. For a transfer you'll just want to take a left and go to the first big doors you'll see, and then go down to the end of a hall. The principal will be there and she'll help you with the paperwork."
The woman smiled brightly. "Thank you!"
"No problem. Oh, I'm Michi and this is Toma."
"I'm Faera, and this is my husband Nhil and our children Orion and Musca."
"Hi there…" I trailed off when I realized that their daughter was blatantly staring at me. The son was looking at Toma with a mixture of unnatural suspicion and anger in his eyes. Woah? "So... Are you guys European?"
"Yes. I suppose it's obvious that we're foreign from the way we carry ourselves," Nhil laughed.
I shrugged. "Once you spend enough time in one place you'll start to feel more comfortable. Trust me."
"Thank you, again." Nhil bowed his head to us.
"No big deal…" They were strange, but not in a bad way. Just… My chest tightened at the sight of them.
"If you ever need anything else, call us." Toma pulled out his phone. "Here. Let's trade contact information."
"Thank you."
I frowned up at Toma. He'd stated to me that he wasn't particularly interested in making friends with other parents, so why was he being so forward now? Well, no complaints.
"We'll see you around, perhaps." Faera smiled and waved to me as the family departed.
I looked away quickly when I saw the daughter still looking at me as her parents pulled her onwards. "Hey, Toma? What do you think? They're a bit… strange, don't you think?"
He squeezed my hand hard. "Strange how?" He asked softly.
"I'm not sure."
"Maybe," he whispered.
I pulled my hand away from his and wiped it on my skirt, finding it clammy all of a sudden. "Why are you being so weird?"
"Why are you so panicked right now?" Despite sounding concerned there was excitement in his expression, almost goading.
"Shut up. Just shut up. Let's go home."
"Michi." He grabbed my arm. "Just… Talk with me."
"Here? Seriously? In other words, hereiously?"
"Yes… Hereiously."
"What is it?"
"What do you think the nature of memory is?"
"What do I think about it…? Not much. Never thought about it. But if I had to answer right now, I guess I'd say that… Well, we forget things naturally. Just not the most important things."
"Right. But say you did forget something important. What do you think would bring it back?"
"I dunno. I just wouldn't forget it in the first place."
Toma sighed. "That's not how memory works." He shook his head and put his fingertip to my temple. "A trigger."
"That's not how memory works either."
"Okay, new tactic… Hey. Mind if I tell you a story? Fictional story. Something… Something I heard in Europe."
"You're acting weird, still… But fine."
He took my hand. "I always told you that it was fine to just deal with the feelings, with forgetting, but maybe that was the wrong thing to do."
"So what's your story?" I asked, deciding to humor him. He dealt with my weirdness every day, so it was only natural to be weird together.
"It's about a girl who gets joined by a spirit and goes on an adventure saving people who need her help."
"Sounds like the plotline to a moe anime."
"Not in this case. Other cases, maybe. I'll tell it to you on the way home."
By the time he finished, it having taken a lot longer than just our walk home, I was lying in bed next to him thoroughly confused. "Okay, I'm going to be honest. That sounds like a thinly veiled metaphor for my life."
"Does it now?" He laughed quietly.
"That was years ago…" I sighed. "It's been such a long time. So what's the point of your story?"
"Uh-uh." He shook his head and leaned over to kiss my nose. "You figure that out for yourself."
"Asshole…" I rolled over. "I'll sleep on it."
"It's been this long, but I can still remember everything so vividly," Toma said softly.
"Me too." I kept all of those experiences locked tightly in my heart. Although, now that I thought about it this deeply, there seemed to be something missing, a shimmering hole in my memories. Everything I'd done… I hadn't been alone. I'd never had the feeling of loneliness back then.
Just as I had almost drifted into rest, my mind started to split apart. That was what it felt like. Toma became alerted when I let out a screech and fell off the bed after jerking violently from the pain.
"Michi?!" He jumped off the bed to kneel and cradle me to his chest while I trembled.
I sank my teeth into my hand to keep from screaming again.
"Do I need to take you to the hospital?"
I shook my head, clutching at his shirt with my free hand to communicate that all he needed to do was stay where he was and let me recover. He stayed silent and held me painfully tight until I released my hand from my mouth, blood dripping onto the carpet.
"Hey," I whispered. "Call them."
"Alright." He helped me up and sat me on the bed, returning after dialing the number.
"Let me talk to them."
"Hello?"
"Nhil, hey. This is Michi. We met this morning." I recognized his voice as if I'd been hearing it for a long time, somehow.
"Yes." He sounded gravely serious but not upset. "What can I do for you?"
"Are your kids in school?"
"No. They'll start tomorrow."
"Mind if we all meet up, then? Like, now?" Even though it was only one of them I really wanted to see. "I'd, uh… like some parental advice." As good an excuse as any.
"Of course. Where can we meet?"
"Er… There's a park across from the school. A white bench there… Between two sakura trees." What could I say? I had a thing for benches.
"That will be fine."
"Alright… I'm leaving now. See you soon."
"Soon, yes."
I hung up and closed my eyes tightly.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Toma asked.
"Yeah… You're a part of this too, after all. A big part."
"Alright… Let's clean you up first, though." He took care to sterilize and wrap my hand.
"It's fine…" I bounced impatiently.
"It's not fine. I don't like seeing you hurt yourself."
I relented, forcing myself to be still. "I still don't know what to feel. I'm… close to something here. I feel it."
Toma pressed his mouth gently to my palm. "Whatever you choose, I'll respect it."
"Let's go."
We arrived at the park earlier than the strange family we'd met earlier and sat on the bench in the midday heat, assuaged by a steady light breeze. I stood when I saw them approaching from a distance and Toma remained behind me, hands reassuring on my shoulders.
"Thanks for coming," I greeted them as they stopped walking about seven feet from us.
"You sounded as if you were in great need," Nhil said. "We couldn't turn you away."
I looked upwards out of fear of turning my gaze to the person of most concern. "So, uh, you're not European, are you?"
"You could say we come from somewhere too far away to comprehend," Faera supplied.
"Yeah…" I nodded. "My head's been spinning since this morning. Actually, no. It's been that way ever since that singular August... I love my husband and my daughter. I love my life, I love living… So explain to me why something still feels like it's missing." I finally trained my eyes on her, their young daughter with her silver hair and wide eyes.
She took a few hesitant steps forward. "If you had kept those memories of the Spirit World and everything they had done in your life, you'd always know it and feel it. That in truth, you don't actually belong in this world even though you've earned your place. I thought that maybe loneliness was a less desolate feeling than knowing that. Besides… I had to go. Your memories couldn't survive easily after I was ripped away from you. I was still a spirit back then... But not anymore."
"I have a way of messing up the Spirit World's plans, I feel like…" I muttered. "Everyone feels lonely at some point in their lives. Every single person has moments when they feel like they don't belong anywhere. But I can live strong with mountains of those feelings each second of every day if you're there too." I dropped to my knees and spread my arms out. "I love you, Musca."
She smiled as rivers of tears started streaming down her face. "Michi… Michi!" She sobbed as she flew into my arms and we held tightly, never to let go of one another again.
My most precious person.
~ End ~