Conf 8 end
Dean: I don't know Sam... I don't know that I can.
Sam: I'll tell you what I know... I know there were hundreds of times over the years, maybe thousands of times, you wanted to touch me, to wrap me up in your arms, to pull me close; but stopped yourself, you physically went out of your way to hold back instead of holding me. Why, because of society? Because people wouldn't understand? People would think we were gay, or You were gay? But I didn't. I knew you weren't! You were just my brother; my brother, who raised me as much; no that's not true; my older brother who'd raised me more than my father ever had. When you were worried for me, when you were proud of me, when you were sad for me, or happy for me...you should have hugged me, Dean. You should've taken my hand, or grasped my arm, or rested my head on your shoulder, or something, anything; to prove you loved me. Then maybe I wouldn't have had to go away to college and leave you. But you didn't; you wouldn't; you pushed me away because you were afraid of what people would think. And for that; you lost me for years.
Do you know what it was like to leave half my heart behind; to walk out the door and not look back, not to talk to my own brother, not to share my triumphs and my worries, my good days and bad? You do, don't you? I can see it in your eyes it's still there after all these years, just as it was when you showed up at my door that night at Stanford. That lost look, holding back a thousand unshed tears behind it. Did you not think I could see them?
Dean: You don't understand, Sammy.
Sam: Oh, I understand, I understand how I cried myself to sleep, while you wouldn't shed one goddamn tear for me.
(Dean feels guilty, but finds his resolve; he swallows and puts his half cupped hands on Sam's shoulders. But Sam's angry; he sees Dean is steeling himself and holding back again. He knows.)
Sam: Don't!
(Sam turns and moves away).
Sam: Don't touch me. I hate you! I hate you. You and your righteous indignation... Didn't do you any good in Hell, did it!
(Dean is hurt by that.)
Dean: Sam...
(Sam's hurt too. He couldn't break through; he failed to reach Dean's heart.)
Sam: I don't want to hear it.
(He couldn't take one more excuse, one more rationalization, one more lie.)
Dean: I do love you Sam... And I can't.
(Dean picks up his jacket as he walks out.
And Sam will die inside, one more time.)
The End