It's been a long journey. One I'm certain I'm nowhere near the end of; in fact, it feels more like the beginning. Like, I'm starting over again, like I've been given a second chance. Another opportunity to do things the right way.
Quite some time has passed since Kurt and I reconciled and he joined Puck's mission to force me to break up with Sam. Initially, I felt attacked. I have, for the most part, become immune to Puck's brash tactics. He has a lot of bark with a little bit of bite. But I can handle him alone because it's one on one and push come to shove a few tears and he backs off. Thus, limiting the embarrassment and shame factor. However, the two of them together harping on me made me feel backed into a corner with judgmental fingers pointing at me while jeering. I was hurt by the situation to say the least. Puck doesn't seem to know better or understand when to ease off of his personal tirades, yet can sense when someone else has hurt my feelings (go figure). Then there's Kurt, who outright judges me and makes things about him, then feeling guilt ridden immediately following being called out. I don't fault them despite how much it bothers me. I'm learning with time that it's just who they are. It doesn't mean they don't care. In most cases, it means the polar opposite, which sometimes can be overbearing, reaching beyond boundaries. I am a capable minded person. They should have let me take care of things in my time (who knows when that would have been if not for them). I would have broken up with Sam eventually.
That day in the Bean was hard to take. Here were my only friends handling me with boxing gloves. I expected Kurt to defend me against Puck's lack of finesse, but he joined in making everything much worse with his loud attention getting voice. As you already know, I left defeated and feeling bullied, but what you don't know is I haven't spoken to either of them since that day. I know a bum move from me, yeah; I know I'm the witch in this scenario. They were just trying to help. Okay I agree, but push a person long enough and they'll push back. In a way, that's what I was doing. I was punishing them for hurting my feelings, though, more so than that I needed to think. For myself and not anyone else. Just me. And I couldn't do that with either of them projecting their frustrations onto me every other minute, which they continued to do over voicemail, email, text, any form of communication possible really. I wouldn't be surprised if I see a smoke signal soon. I don't think they understand (still don't) why I found it so hard to cut Sam loose. At the time I didn't. Not fully. I just knew I loved him and nothing more. It would take a full week away from both Kurt and Puck for me to figure it out.
At first, I moped around, angered at my best friend and my person. When I climbed from my pit of self pity and anger, I thought. I gave serious consideration to the relationship I was holding on to with Sam. Why? What reasoning was I feeding myself that had me pondering forgiving Sam and going through the disaster all over again? Was it that he was my first? Because I had given him a part of me that I would never be able to give to another? That was a large part of it. When I gave him my body my heart followed locking itself to his indefinitely. No matter how far apart we are he will always have that part of me. We will always be connected. I will always love him and no one, not even me, can change that. There will always be a fondness in my heart for him. Always. He is forever a part of me. But that wasn't all of it.
On the most basal level, at the heart of it, there existed a fear. I was so afraid of being alone again. Before Sam, I was the butt of a cruel joke, so it would seem. A ploy for Puck to keep his popularity. And before Puck, I was alone. Alone. Simply sitting on the sidelines watching everyone couple off, breakup, switch partners, and repeat the process all over again. The loneliness consumed me. Sometimes I would make it to shore only to be snatched back out to sea and taken under again. I lost myself in the alone. Found someone else in Puck. Then came up empty when we split. Sam came and like the sea overtook me. I found myself drowning. Drowned. I was lost again. This time gone farther and deeper than any loneliness could ever take me. Sam validated me. Because of him I didn't question my existence. With him I knew I was alive. What would severing ties entail for me? Would I vanish into the deep to be forgotten? How could I let him go without suffering dire consequences? Over the course of our relationship, I developed an unhealthy need for him. I gave him my life. In him I breathed, I lived, I survived. Though, not really me. I didn't know who I was. I'm still searching the vast universe, physical and metaphysical, for the answer to the question that man has been asking himself since time began. However, attached to Sam, actively or inactively, I didn't have to question myself. As long as the connection between us still remained so did I. Therein lie the problem.
The week away from Puck and Kurt was a moment of reflection. Unbidden, their words continued to echo in my head. All of them. From every message they sent me. Each word forcefully implanted a new understanding of the reality of my relationship with Sam. Each day something new and soul crushing. Each day welcoming a new emotion. Each one more intense than the previous. Sunday-fear. Monday-duress. Tuesday-melancholy. Wednesday-agony. Thursday-defeat. Friday-lividity. Saturday-determination. Not once did I think of abandoning my spiritual quest to give into my desires and fears, but multiple times. Time after time I could feel it humming inside of me, the urge to give up. But when I felt myself giving in, I would hear Kurt's shrill voice and see Puck's disappointed eyes. Whether they knew it or not and without any permission from me, they had pried my eyes open. I was wide awake. I had to let go of Sam and there was no way I was ever going to do that while I was technically still with him. The knowledge that was slowly becoming my power also dragged along with it an immense fury I wasn't prepared for fueling me with the craving to hurt Sam as much as he hurt me.
Friday I sat in my room, door locked, scheming of ways to cause as much pain as possible. From the outside looking in, I would have appeared insane. But really I was just coping. I figured if I could bring myself to take Sam back without succumbing to his charming wiles, I could seduce him ensuring his heart belonged to me and only me. Then if I could coerce Puck into pretending to hook up with me in plain sight, Sam would feel exactly how I felt the day I saw him with Santana.
Fortunately, I wasn't talking to Puck at the time because he would have thought I had lost my mind. Looking back maybe I did a little. Maybe I needed to. Eventually saner thoughts prevailed and I put those ridiculous thoughts from my mind (they still remain in my journal). I would have to go about freeing myself from the self-imposed virtual prison of a relationship in a more conventional manner. However it was to be done, I knew it had to be done. Though I believe Sam loves me, I know the love we shared was not right.
That's why a couple of days ago I finally took the prodding of my friends to heart officially breaking up with Sam. It was hard. It would be a bold faced and stupid lie to say it was easy. The dread I felt over being in the same space as Sam nearly halted me. But I did it anyway because of the perspective I have gained through the tough love Puck and Kurt have shown me. Perspective, I am glad to say, I am still gaining today. Am I fixed? No. Not even close, but I'm working on it. And breaking up with Sam in spite of how hard he made it for me was the step in the right direction. I just wish I would have been more prepared for the darts that were thrown at me.