The week following the minor blowout between Puck, Kurt and I, I found myself home alone. My dad was at one of his monthly dental conventions, while my mom was visiting her sick mother. I sat in my room watching a movie. Midway through Pretty in Pink I felt this nagging in the back of my mind. Like a buzzing as if there was something I had forgotten. Bored and upset with knowing Andie chooses Blane, the weak piece of crap too ashamed to date her publicly (hypocritical, I know, sue me), over Duckie, the faithful friend completely and utterly in love with her, I picked up my phone to call Kurt when I realized I was no longer talking to him or Puck. That's when it hit me and the nagging buzz rang as clear as a bell. I had to break up with Sam. So instead of being mad at myself for not knowing how to make up with my boys including shutting them out in the first place, I called Sam. Before I could say one word Sam took control.
"Mercedes! What's going on? Why have you been avoiding me? How are you doing? We haven't talked since…" He didn't continue in that vein. "I miss you, Bambs. Don't you miss me?" By the time he finished his voice had gone from frantic to soft poking a pinhole into the barrier I had built to protect me from him. From the feelings he was inciting.
"Sure, Sam, I miss you." Stupid girl. Stupid, stupid girl. The last thing that needed to come from my mouth came spilling out without any hesitation. Yeah, it was true, but it had no place in this conversation. Of all the questions I could have answered my lovesick lips chose that one.
"So what's up? Where have you been?" Sam carried on as if things were as they were before, which to him maybe they were.
"Sam, I need to talk to you, and I can't do it over the phone, okay. You think you can come over?" I wanted so badly to get this over with. The sooner I did the sooner I could move on with my life. The only problem was I felt I owed Sam the courtesy of breaking up with him face to face. I owed it to myself. I couldn't have been more delusional. Should have just broken up with him over the phone, but hindsight as they say.
"No problem, are your parent's home?"
"No, it will just be us." Not that it mattered. We would not be having sex.
"Okay, I'll be there in a bit. I miss you so much; I can't wait to see you."
"Yeah, bye Sam." He'd done it without even trying. Sam had made me cower within myself, instead of cursing him out calling things off and hanging the phone up without even giving him a chance to talk. But I would have that chance once he showed up at my house. I could do it then. Right?
The time it took for Sam to get to my house was record breaking. When I opened the door to him, he stood there staring. Stunned I guess. It had been a while. Walking in, he gripped me in the fiercest embrace he could muster. Just a hug. Nothing more. I was hard pressed to push him away. He had never held me like that. Never.
"I missed you." He whispered in my ear. The feel of his warm breath sent chills down my spine and caused an ache in my heart.
Pulling away he jogged for the stairs to my room. "Come on." He yelled behind him. Ignorantly, I didn't stop him. I was breaking up with him it didn't matter if we were on the roof nothing was going to happen (nothing was supposed to happen).
He sat on my bed. I sat in my desk chair. Plenty of distance and space. Neither of us opened our mouths. I know without a doubt that Sam didn't have anything to say because his eyes were speaking for him. He was confused and horny. It took me a minute to wrap my lips around the words I needed to free myself from the festering boil that masqueraded as a relationship. "So, Sam…I need to tell you something. That's why I've invited you over." Formal, I know, but I needed to dispel his lustful hopes without sounding doubtful.
"What is it, M.J.? It's been so long since we talked – since I've seen you even. What's going on? You're not pregnant because if you are you don't have to worry. I'll take care of the both of you and we can get-"
"Sam, God, no! I'm on the pill. No slip ups here and you always use a condom. I'm not pregnant." The relief that washed over his face almost made me smile. "We need to break up. I know that technically we aren't even together. Were never together – I'm – I can't be with you anymore."
Sam's eyes bugged and his mouth hung wide like a large mouth bass. "What?"
"I think you should go." There was more I wanted to say. More I needed to say, but I could feel my resolve taking a hit. Things weren't as easy as I thought they were going to be. Hearing Sam's declaration of taking care of me and a nonexistent baby really did a number on me. He needed to leave. I couldn't talk to him. I see now what I didn't then. I wasn't strong enough. Talking to him only made me ache for his love. I rushed from my seat to open the door. Standing with the door ajar, I did not dare look anywhere near Sam. I couldn't. But I didn't need to look at him, because he touched me. He wrapped his arms around my waist burying his head in the crook of my neck trailing kisses to my ear. Unfortunately, that's all it took for me. I knew I should have waited or possibly just broke things off over the phone, but I was foolish and maybe expecting this. Expecting one last time with Sam. Or something more? I'm still not sure, but it happened.
It was an ecstasy filled blur. By the time I came to my senses, the deed was done and we were snuggled next to each other. For a moment, I just lay in his arms. He was holding me tightly as if it might be the last time. I settled into his arms absorbing the warmth of the embrace. Imagining that everything was okay. That I was his girl and he was my guy and nothing in the world could change that. We were an us. But the moment the thought crossed my mind, I felt physically ill because none of it was true. We were never an us and nothing was okay. My stomach lurched and I thought I might puke on an unclad Sam.
Grabbing the sheet, I jumped from the bed and began frantically clothing myself feeling dirty. Stupid. pitiful. Once I was fully clothed I woke Sam from his postcoital slumber. "Sam!"
"Huh?"
"Get up. Put on your clothes." My voice was shaking. I was trying my hardest to keep tears from seeping from my eyes.
"What? Why?"
"Sam, just do it. Please."
"Uh, okay." I stood with my back against the wall with my eyes shut while Sam took his precious time getting dressed.
"Let's go to the kitchen. I really need to talk to you."
"Fine, we can talk it's been a while. I miss talking to you, babe."
"I'm sure." I mumble under my breath. We entered the kitchen, the location least conducive to seduction, taking a seat at the breakfast table. "Sam, I said it before, and I kind of meant it. We are over. I'm breaking up with you."
"What? After we just – why?"
"I'm sorry about that, Sammy, I shouldn't have – I know it wasn't right – not knowing I called you over to breakup with you."
"Mercedes, it was right. We love each other. We're not breaking up. We just made love; you wouldn't have done that if you wanted to break up with me."
"Sam – we – that was not love. You don't love me how I should be loved, heck; I don't love myself how I should be loved."
"Baby, what are you saying, I do love you. I've never had sex with anyone else. Only you. You can't tell me I don't love you."
"If you loved me you wouldn't have dated Quinn or Santana while I watched them have something I would never have with you. Forget that you couldn't date me publicly-"
"You agreed to that-"
"I know and that's why I'm not blaming you for it entirely, but aside from that, if you loved me I would not have had to watch you make out with someone you promised nothing was happening with."
"Nothing was happening with her. Santana was kissing me."
"But you weren't pushing her away, baby. You were just letting it happen, and if you loved me like you think you do, you wouldn't have let it get that far."
"Mercedes, Bambs."
"No Sam, I can't anymore. I just can't with you at all. I'm breaking up with you, and unlike the last time this is it. No amount of puppy dog eyes or begging is going to work."
"Mercedes, you can't do this. You don't want to do this."
"I have to. It doesn't matter what I want. Sam can you please leave." Sam opened his mouth, "Please, Sammy."
With a defeated look Sam stood up from the table. I walked him to the door. "Bye, Sam." He didn't say anything to me. He didn't look at me. He just left. And in that moment I knew it was over. It hurt much more than even I imagined it would. My heart felt free, but incredibly broken. As soon as the door closed behind him, my legs gave out underneath me causing me to fall to the floor, where I remained submerged in sorrow.
Sorry for the wait. A lot of things have been happening. A death of a close family member, I got sick, started reading like three books at one time and the Hunger Games trilogy. So very sorry for the late update.
nakala