Thanks for all the reviews for the last chapter. Glad you guys liked it and to the guest who said this "it's about time she left him. and i know it wasn't intentional but i'm glad
she got some break up sex just like he did when he broke up with her." I so had no idea that I had done that thanks for pointing it out. yeah she kind of unintentionally gave him a taste of his own medicine.
And I would really like for those of you who review as a guest to do it logged in because I like to reply to Each And Every review. If you don't I'm fine a review is a review I just like to reply.
For inexplicable reasons, I was devastated over the breakup. Maybe it was the weight of reality finally laying its heavy hand on me, or maybe I was mourning for myself or the loss of my imaginary love. I don't know, but the haze with which I drifted through lasted for a few days.
It was in those days that I pondered the meaning of love. Or should I say what love is or should be. During my fictional relationship with Sam that only existed in my head, unwittingly I equated love with sex. Foolishly, I accepted our intimate relationship as the manifestation of feelings I thought we both shared. Certainly what I know I felt, but never too sure that Sam reciprocated. After all that has transpired, I can see how naïve and simple minded I had been. I gave him everything I had. Though most of me has to believe that Sam doesn't love me; there's a portion of me that knows he loves me no matter how conditional. However, because I was wrong, miscalculated how much he really loved me, I gave him something I can never get back.
It's hard to say I regret it. When Sam and I were something similar to an us as we were going to get I was in all the way. He owned my heart and though I can never let him know, he still does. So truthfully, I cannot say that I regret what happened between us, but that doesn't mean that if I had the chance to do it all over again I wouldn't wait. Because I would. I would wait because if I had waited I would have found out that Sam didn't love me the way I love him.
Sure in the beginning, it seemed like love but under the pretense I wonder how I could be so blind. What Sam and I shared was sex posing as love. How I couldn't have known that the act itself isn't love is beyond me. Sex is just sex. In the best of cases, it can be the expression of love, but most times it is not. And that's what we had become accustomed to. Just sex and nothing more. Maybe it was just sex all along and I had deluded myself into believing otherwise, but in the end the my blinded eyes were opened and I could see it for what it really was.
That's why I wanted to crawl into a corner ball up and die the day I broke up with him. I knew better, but I did nothing to thwart his advances. I gave in for one last time with Sam. Even now I can't fully explain why I did it. My only guess is fear. Possibly hope? It's a mystery to me.
So, for days I sat in my room immersed in solitude mulling things over and avoiding my best friends.
Friends.
Sam and I were never friends. He'd seen me, wanted me, and gotten me. I hadn't even entertained the thought of being in the clutches of someone as beautiful or popular as him. I had given up all hope after the fiasco with Puck that flattened my heart and left me broken.
Only lovers. We had only been lovers. Lovers without the love (ironic, huh?). Maybe we're too young for love. For real love. I don't know, but all the while I ignored the many calls, texts and emails of my friends I gave considerable thought on the idea.
It became glaringly obvious that though I may have forgotten what love is, I had great examples all around me. Love is incessant badgering because you care even if the person you care about isn't speaking to you. Love is forgiveness freely given all transgressions forgotten. Love is an apology spoken despite being long overdue. A shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Arms of comfort. Harsh words of truth for your own good. Real love feels like a best friend being brutally honest and a soul mate apologizing for absolutely nothing at all. I have all of that and more with Kurt and Puck.
In those quiet moments alone, I came to the realization that I need to let go of Sam entirely. Severing all ties that tether me to him. Why should I hold on to something that pales in comparison to the love I have with people that are only my friends and not lovers.
Regrettably, I pushed them both away. I still hadn't responded to either of my boys days after the breakup; therefore, I was in this thing alone. All my fault, but I need them. Well I needed my girlfriend, Kurt. Knowing he would be more likely to forgive without much of a fuss, I went to visit him. It was time I spoke to him. I shouldn't have shut him out in the first place. I needed him, will always need him, and in this case, he was the better choice (his judginess notwithstanding) because I could only imagine how Puck would react to hearing I slept with Sam even if I did break up with him anyway. So Kurt it was.
Hope you liked.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!
nakala