Sorry for the wait.

After talking with Kurt and Puck, I felt much better about the breakup. That didn't mean that I didn't still miss Sam a lot, but it meant that I knew it was okay to miss Sam. Also, if I needed to talk, I had two wonderful friends that were there to listen.

I've been making it through the ups and downs of not being with Sam with little ease. Some days have been better and some days a lot worse than I could fathom, but I'm making it. I have overcome so many hurdles, and I feel I have grown up so much since all this crap with Sam started. I won't lose myself to a broken lonely foolish heart.

I had been ignorant enough to fall into the same snare after Puck, but I can't do that again. I won't do that again. I have to live life for myself. Put myself first for a chance. I have to learn to love me, and I can't do that pining over Sam. I know for me to truly get over him it will take some time, but I'm determined. I'm determined to find the me that can be happy single. I won't say alone because as long as I have Kurt and Puck I'm not alone. But I've got to be happy with being me with just me. It seems like forever since I was content with just being daddy's little girl.

I know you're probably wondering what happened in my life to make me this weak stupid girl, but that's just it, nothing really happened. My dad stills loves me and dotes on me, spoils me even. My mom is great too. Not as attentive as my father, but she's a good mom. I understand her distance; she's been taking care of her mother in Georgia for so many years, traveling back and forth between there and here. She's always so worried about Granny's health and wellbeing when she's here in Lima with us. So I get it, and she's still doing a great job as a mother.

The problem is me.

I've allowed people like Santana and Quinn to magnify the insecurities I've always had, but found a way to live with, to the point where I started seeing myself just as they did. Less than. Not to mention, the constant slushy bombs by the cheerleaders and jocks. Couple with that the fact that I'm a plus-sized, black girl surrounded by perfect Barbies who get the world and every guy handed to them on a silver platter, and I gave in. I started eating what they were feeding me. I wasn't as good as a Quinn or even a Rachel.

I'm done with that way of thinking.

I am so done subscribing to that magazine; I'm moving on and the first step was kicking Sam to the curb. He only reinforced the negativity that was molding me. We weren't right for each other. Knowing that, however, doesn't stop my heart from feeling like it's being kicked repeatedly by some freak, monster mule at times. However, and that's a big HOWEVER, I feel extremely liberated.

No more worrying about my wayward boyfriend-person-guy I'm sleeping with, or feeling dirty for hooking up in the janitor's closet (what was I thinking). Nope. I'm free to worry about myself.

Now, I can focus on my grades which have slipped. I want to get into a good college and bad grades won't get me there. Thank all the goodness of God I haven't become a failing student. I can also put more effort into my singing. Maybe even try out for some solos, even though I know Schu is only going to give them to Rachel. But it wouldn't matter because I did it for me.

For three weeks I've been trying, but there have been challenges along the way. I had two weeks to myself, two weeks free of Sam, to feel like things were finally looking up before he decided to bring all that happiness crumbling down around me. This time around, Sam only waited two weeks before trying to get me back. Apparently, he wasn't taking the breakup so well. I don't know why not because we all know he and I weren't doing much talking (if you know what I mean), and we certainly hadn't been spending any time together. I was avoiding him before we broke up, remember. So, I was just as shocked (I still am) that he decided to show up on my doorstep like some stray cat begging for milk.

nakala