Chapter 23
Please don't kill me. Give me a chance to explain before you write me off. I have my reasons; I mentioned some already, so just hear me out because I haven't fallen off the wagon or lost my mind. I have made progress and I haven't blown it. I won't destroy this new peace and sanity I have found for anyone, especially Sam.
Okay, I can admit that at that time I probably shouldn't have agreed to do anything with Sam at all. I know that, but I had to.
Sam and I, when we'd hooked up, were friends, as much as we could be. I missed that. Sam, despite his faults, is a good person. I say that because I don't think he's been intentional in his treatment of me, however, I'm not stupid (well maybe not anymore). Given what I knew, I was hesitant to even listen to anything he had to say, but he seemed genuine enough. After he found out that I wasn't going to do anything relationship related, I liked what he had to say. What he said mirrored exactly how I felt. We had fun together before everything got murky, not ignoring how jacked up everything was – I'm not – but it's true. Sam is a fun guy, and it wasn't like I was entertaining getting back together with him. I just needed him to know that, and I did; I made myself clear and he accepted it. Or so I thought, but I can't control other people. I can only control myself and that was my aim.
I agreed to spend time with him because I wanted to. I wanted – needed to be in control for once. I needed that. I'm not going to apologize for it either. I took what Sam said at face value and made a decision on my own. I didn't want Kurt or Puck making the decision for me. That's not to say that I don't value their opinions because I do. I love those boys. I just needed to prove to everyone involved that I was better than being some pathetic puppet that could be easily manipulated. Flawed logic, I know, but justifiable in its essence. Even in hindsight, it is valid but the flaws completely override that.
Neither Sam nor I should have considered being around each other for very different yet similar reasons. We were not ready to be alone in that kind of setting. I should have said no not because I couldn't resist Sam and was afraid that I would become snared in his net again. No. I should have said no because there were too many things left unsaid. Things I didn't want answers to at the time and may never get. We weren't ready. If we were ready, I wouldn't still be wondering why Sam has treated me the way he has all this time. And I still wouldn't be holding all this hurt and frustration inside instead of being completely free of it. I should have known better than to go along with anything involving Sam, but I believed him. I sincerely believed in my heart that things were different. There were hints, hints that he didn't completely accept my conditions, but I couldn't see them probably because I didn't want to (go figure). My instincts should be better than that. I'm a woman, dang it.
Unfortunately, they weren't. The only good thing I can say about that is I'm glad it wasn't because of Sam's beautiful eyes or his gorgeously tempting lips. For that, I can be happy.
It was because I thought he got it. He said he got it, but he didn't get it. He. Did. Not. Get. It.
Okay short and sweet and up next the "non-date"
nakala