Chapter 7
(Tunica Convention Center, 9am)
The family SUV pulled into the parking lot of the convention center and came to a complete stop.
"And here we are!" Linda said while turning off the engine.
"Finally! We made it!" Candace exclaimed, undoing her seatbelt. She looked on her cell phone and it had three bars of signal strength.
"So when are you going to make the call to Kim?" Stacy asked.
"Just as soon as I get out of this stinkin' suit!" Candace complained, "I can't afford an embarrassing photo of myself!"
"Don't worry about it, Candace! We'll return by tonight with your dignity intact and that photo gone from the Internet!" Stacy replied, keeping an upbeat mood.
"Don't forget your lollipop!" Linda cooed.
Candace shuddered, grabbing her giant lollipop.
"Mom…" she asked, scratching her back and her hands "…can I please get out of this suit? It's really starting to itch me!"
"Sorry, dear." Linda apologized, gathering all of her quilting supplies. "I have my hands full with my quilting stuff. Remember that you and the boys need to be at the stage for the Tom Sawyer re-enactment at two!"
"But what are they going to do, Linda?" Lawrence whispered. "They obviously can't be in the casino area!"
"I know, Lawrence!" Linda replied to her husband. "Luckily, I went through the brochure before we left."
Then she turned to the kids and said, "How about a steamboat race on the Mississippi River?"
"Wow! I was just exactly thinking that, Mom!" Phineas said with a smile.
"Steamboat racing is going to be exciting!" Isabella squealed with joy.
Linda gave each of the kids ten dollars.
"Here you go. This should cover you for lunch!" she replied, "Hope that'll give you enough energy for the play! Now, I am off to the quilting class!"
"Oh, and Candace?"
"Yeah, Mom?"
"You're in charge of the group! I hope that you are mature enough to watch them!" Linda replied, pointing to the kids.
"You can count on me, Mom!" Candace grinned before glaring at her brothers. "I'll watch 'em like a hawk!"
"Then it's settled! We'll meet back at quarter to two!"
And so, the parents departed for now: Linda to the quilting class, and Lawrence to the casino.
Meanwhile, Agent P flew in the air, on the hunt for Doofenshmirtz. He pulled out a pair of binoculars to find the submarine Doofenshmirtz has been hiding in.
He pressed a button on the side of his jetpack. A miniature screen came on with Monogram's face on it.
"Ah, Agent P! Still having trouble finding Doofenshmirtz's submarine?"
Agent P nodded his head.
"You will easily recognize it since he painted a picture of himself on the hull on the submarine! Although it looks like something a three-year old would draw…"
Agent P received this info as he descended downward from the skies. From there, he spotted Heinz's sub on the Mississippi River near the city of Greenville with a crude-looking picture of himself on the exterior of the submarine. It was moving past the Highway 82 Bridge.
(Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!)
He flew to the top of the submarine, when, all of a sudden, a secret panel opened from beneath him. Agent P fell into a platypus-sized rhinestone jumpsuit with clamps applied to the hands and feet.
Heinz turned his chair around and chuckled.
"Welcome, Perry the Platypus, to my submarine lair!" he grinned, looking at the trapped Agent P. "You like my rhinestone jumpsuit trap? I had to find one that had the size of platypus on it and it was the only one, so I bought it on the Internet!"
Doofensmirtz laughed a little and continued, "Actually, the rhinestone jumpsuit trap is a perfect fit for my latest scheme, Perry the Platypus!"
"For you see, I've always had a burning hatred and despise towards that one group of people that annoy me the most….Elvis impersonators!"
He began to clench his fists in anger upon saying Elvis impersonators. Agent P, on the other hand, looked at Doof with a blank stare and rolled his eyes.
"The thing is that I don't have a problem with Elvis at all. He was a good musician with a lot of hits and a lot of pink cars! Personally, I wouldn't be seen driving around in a car that's pink! It would make me like…you know…a sissy girl!"
"But I'm getting off the point! It's not about Elvis that bring my blood to a boil, but it's the impersonators! You know, the ones who think they are Elvis, but they are not!"
"Here comes the part where I reveal the backstory on why Elvis impersonators annoy me so much!"
(sad violin music)
"It all started when I was in the tenth grade at Gimmelshtump High School.
The town recently decided that, after a twenty-year ban on Elvis's music, they would finally allow their students to listen to it. The ban was in place because the people believed that it cursed their town with witches and goblins!
I started listening to Elvis' music and, for once in my otherwise-miserable childhood, I totally enjoyed something! I even danced it with my pet roach, Hoarfrost! My parents, of course, didn't like the music!
(Heinz's father knocks on the door and yells: Turn that awful music down, son!)
Since they realized that Elvis had been deceased for two years, they decided to hold an Elvis Impersonator Appreciation week at the school. About forty impersonators came to the school that day. I was so excited and giggled like a little schoolgirl.
At first, I was happy that the impersonators came to the school, saying Elvis' most favorite phrases and doing his lip curl!
Impersonator 1: Thank you, thank you very much!
Impersonator 2: Uhh-huh!
But then, they got real old, real fast as the week wore on! Those phrases were absolutely driving me crazy! And then…one day, while I was getting lunch…the unfortunate happened…
(As young Doofenshmirtz was receiving his lunch of mystery meat slop on the tray, one of the fatter Elvis impersonators in line thrusted his hips and shouted 'Thank you, thank you very much' in the Southern drawl and bumped into the young Doofenshmirtz's tray so hard that it caused the slop to fly all over Heinz's face)
_
"Every day since that incident, I've vowed my revenge for what they did to me!" Doofenshmirtz sneered. "And now, the time has finally arrived! "Feast your eyes on my latest creation, Perry the Platypus!"
He pressed a button on the submarine as a device in the shape of Elvis' pompadour came out with a ray emerging from the front. Two tanks were in the back of the device: one with Canadian syrup on the left, and the other with a yellowish liquid on the right.
"The Elvis-impersonator-begone-inator!" he proclaimed as dramatic music played.
"It's not to be confused with my Be-gone-inator from many schemes ago, Perry the Platypus! My plan is to drive my submarine up the Mississippi River to the Memphis Convention Center. A lot of Elvis impersonators are going to attend that place with their horrible lyrics and their awful sideburns! Not anymore! Once I get into position and zap my Elvis-impersonator-begone-inator on the convention center, it will make all the Elvis impersonators disappear off the face of the Tri-State Area!" he shouted out loud.
"It's also powered by a combination of Canadian syrup and Elvis' most favorite food: bacon, peanut butter and sliced banana sandwiches! I had to blend them up because the sandwiches….heh-heh…would be useless in their usual form, Perry the Platypus!"
"Which reminds me…where's the mustard?"