Chapter 8

(11am, Hwy 49, near Perkinston)

Monique's car traveled down Highway 49 South en route to the Gulf Coast. She rolled down the windows to allow the summer wind to travel through Kim's hair. Kim smiled, reaping the cool air through the strands of that long red hair of hers on a sweltering and hot summer day.

Ron, on the other hand, stuck his head out of the window of the back seat. He stuck out his tongue, panting. Rufus did the same thing as his owner.

"Ron…!" Kim griped, "What is it with you sticking your tongue out like a basketball player?"

"It helps me look cool, Kim!" Ron said, feeling the breeze.

"You know that you're going to catch something sooner or later if you continue doing that…" Kim warned him.

"Oh come on, KP! A little tongue-sticking won't hurt!" Ron chuckled, brushing off Kim's warning.

Kim's pupils widened, looking at the car ahead of them. She retreated her head back into the car. Rufus too ducked his head.

"Hey, what's everyone ducking their heads for?" Ron wondered.

And then, dog slobber began to be pelted on his face…repeatedly. They were behind Ned's car with his bloodhound in the front seat, his slobber traveling at 70 miles an hour into the direction of Ron.

"Ewww!" Ron shouted with disgust, his face completely covered with slobber. Rufus spotted a towel and tossed it up to Ron.

"Ugh…dog cooties! I hate it when dogs do that to me!"

"That's why I told you get your head out of the window…" Kim muttered. She pressed the buttons that rolled the windows up.

"The Ron-man has his embarrassment-free zone up now! I promise that no event of shame or humiliation will fall upon me after this!" Ron proclaimed, wiping the slobber off his face.

"Hopefully the zone can stay up for the entire day…" Kim uttered upon hearing the Oh Boyz "Hello, Hello, Hello" ringtone on her phone. She picked it up.

K: Hello?
C: Kim! Kim! Kim!
K: Oh…uhh…hey Candace! What's up?
C: Kim, we have….. major problem ….here! Photo of myself…..sailor suit…. the Internet! Oh my Gawd! I'm, like, panicking here!

K: Whoa, Candace! Calm down! Take a few deep breaths and tell me the whole sitch!

C: (takes a few deep breaths) There's an awful photo that my Mom took of myself dressed in a sailor suit!

K: Why are you even dressed in a sailor suit?

C: It's for some stupid Tom Sawyer re-enactment play that's going to happen this afternoon. The important thing is that if Jeremy finds out about that photo before the Independence Day concert begins tonight, he'll never like me again! That's why I had to call you up!

K: Me? Why?

C: Because you have the Keme…Kimu….ughh…I can't say it right!

K: You mean my Kimmunicator? What about it?

C: It's about the tech guy that you always talk with!

K: Oh! You must be talking about Wade!

C: Yes! Him! He's the perfect person who can help me with my photo problem!

K: So in other words, you need me to reach Wade so that he can delete the embarrassing photo…

C: Duh! Of course!

K: Okay…I'll get Wade on the Kimmunicator to delete the photo.

C: Oh, thank you, Kim! How can I ever repay you?

K: How about I owe you a trip to the ice cream parlor tomorrow after practice?

C: It's a deal!

K: Okay, I'll talk to you later on tonight, Candace!

C: 'kay! Bye!

Kim put away her cell phone and took out her Kimmunicator as Wade appeared on-screen.

"Hey, Kim! I see that you're going out for some R&R!" Wade grinned.

"Obviously, Wade! We did need to get out of the furnace that was the Flynn-Fletcher house!" Kim said with a smile.

"Broken A/C?" Wade guessed.

Kim nodded her head. "Plus, a little break from cheerleading for at least a few hours!"

Wade understood and then asked, "So what can I help you with today, Kim?"

"Wade, I need you to find a photo of Candace in a sailor suit, even though that does sound a little creepy to me!" Kim said, taking Candace 's request seriously.

"Let's see what I can whip up!" Wade replied, typing on his computer. "Oh yeah, that…does look pretty embarrassing!"

"Lemme see!" Kim insisted. Wade turned his computer around to see the ghastly image of Candace in the sailor suit and giant lollipop.

"Oh yeah, Wade…" she grimaced at the sight of the picture, "…that does border on the Humiliation Nation line!"

Ron peered from the back seat and, upon looking at the picture, began to chortle.

"Ron!" Kim exclaimed, a bit stunned at Ron's behavior.

"Sorry, KP! Just couldn't…help…it!" Ron apologized in-between fits of giggling.

"Just delete the picture, Wade, before anyone downloads it!" Kim requested.

Wade typed on the computer, putting his 90 words a minute skills to good use.

"And….it's gone!" Wade declared as the photo disappeared from his computer monitor.

"Crisis averted!" Kim grinned. "Lemme put you on hold, Wade!"

She quickly took out her phone and dialed Candace's number. The phone rang three times before going to Candace's inbox.

This is Candace Flynn. Sorry if I can't come to the phone right now. I am either with my wonderful Jeremy or out there busting my goofy brothers for their ideas. So just leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you ASAP! Thanks!

"Hey Candace, it's me, Kim! Wade took care of your photo problem. Just call me back on my cell number and maybe we can have ice cream together!"

Little did she realize that the photo had already been printed out once.

Along the path, Phineas was putting the final touches of the race course when Isabella came up to him.

"Hey Phineas! Whatcha y'all doin'?" came the reply from Isabella.

"I'm putting up the final touches on the course so that we can be back in time for the Twain re-enactment at two." Phineas said.

"If you need a fresh new engine in the steamboats, Phineas, us Fireside Girls will be glad to help! We're trying to earn our Steamboat Engineering Patches!"

"Cool! And you'll earn it in no time!" Phineas grinned. "The planned course is complete! Now…to find some steamboats!"

At the banks of the Mississippi River, Phineas and his group came upon a group of people with two steamboats on the river. However, the steamboats arrived in horrible shape with wood rotting and the paddlewheels broken, unable to race.

"Oh please, if someone can help us!" the judge of the race bemoaned. "If someone can raise these mighty machines just in time for our race!"

"I think we can help!" Phineas interjected.

"Huh? How can you do that?" the judge asked. "The race starts in an hour and our boats are in disrepair!"

"Just leave that to us!" Phineas assured the judge.

The judge gestured to the damaged boats, "Well…these boats are in your hands, young fellers! They're all yours!"

"Say…" a second judge interrupted, "…aren't them young'uns a little too young to be repairin' steamboats and bringin' 'em up to date!"

"Yes…yes they are." the first judge replied. He turned to Phineas and said, "Sorry, Phineas, it's his first year judgin' a steamboat race!"

"No problem!" Phineas replied to the judge before turning to his friends, "Okay, gang! Let's get our toolboxes ready and get those steamboats in racin' form!"

(The "Quirky Worky Song" plays in the background while Phineas inserts in some fresh new planks for the steamboat on the left while Ferb welds the metal together with a blowtorch. Buford and Baljeet grab fresh lumps of coal for the boilers and Isabella repairs the paddlewheel in her Becky Thatcher costume.)

(Somewhere in the Southern Louisiana bayous…)

"Wake up, Dr. Green…Wake up, young laddie!"

Dr. Lawn Green came finally to consciousness, only to realize that he was handcuffed behind a wooden chair. He eyed his surroundings as he came to the conclusion that he was in a room. The room was dimly lit as a figure stood in the shadows.

"Welcome to Lucifer's Cove! This abandoned steamboat may not be me main hideoot, but in this case, it will suffice for me latest scheme!"

"And what scheme, may I ask, are you planning?" Dr. Green shouted to the figure.

"Let's just say that a gulf will be a part of golf, thanks to ye research!"

Back in Tunica, Candace got off the phone with Kim. Stacy was right next to her. The two of them were 150 feet behind the banks of the river, not yet looking at what her brothers had built.

"Okay, Stacy…that takes care of my embarrassing photo problem, which she'll get to… now what's missing on the list to do for today….?"

Stacy tapped her friend on the shoulder twice.

"Stacy! Can't you see I'm trying to think?" Candace yelled.

"What about your brothers building steamboats on the river?"

She pointed to a pair of two smoking boilers sticking out of the trees.

"What?!" Candace exclaimed, looking behind her. She gasped in surprise, because she knew that only her brothers would be capable of doing feats like that.

"Come on, Stacy!" Candace demanded, grabbing Stacy's hand. "Let's bust my brothers!"

Both of them headed towards the banks of the river.

The two girls continued on the short pathway as they came to the banks of the river. There, they saw two steamboats on the river, looking good as new, and ready to race. One of the ships, the one Phineas is on, had a picture of Perry on it while the other ship, captained by Buford, had the picture of his goldfish on it.

"Phineas! Ferb! What are you doing this time?" Candace demanded an answer.

"Hey, Candace!" Phineas replied with a smile. "All of us are going to be racing steamboats on the Mississippi River!"

"And what's with the lollipop?" Phineas quipped, pointing to the piece of candy still in his sister's hand.

"It's a part of the costume, okay?!" Candace shouted.

He then began to explain the course, "Me, Isabella and you, Candace, are going to be on the ship on the left, the Perry. Ferb, Buford and Stacy will be on board the other ship, the Biff. Baljeet will be our referee."

"I named this ship myself!" Buford proudly declared in a loud voice.

Phineas continued, "We're going to start from Tunica, zoom down the Mississippi River and reach the halfway point at Greenville. After we reach the turnaround buoy, we'll zoom back to Tunica just in time for the re-enactment!"

Candace laughed a little at the notion. "I'm not falling for one of your tricks again! And aren't you dreaming a little too much, Phineas? Steamboats are supposed to go as slow as a turtle! Mom'll bust you even before the race begins!"

"Ferb! Let's fire this puppy up!"

Ferb pressed a red button that said "ULTRA STEAM BOAT RACING MODE" on it. Both the Biff and the Perry transformed before Candace's very eyes as the smokestacks folded in a horizontal position.

"You see, Candace!" Phineas explained the transformation, "We manipulated the steamboats with stock car racing engines with top speeds of 140 miles an hour so that the race can be a bit more, you know, interesting!"

"Ohhhh…" Candace giggled, "…this is definitely deep into busting territory! Come on, Stacy! We gotta show this to Mom!" She looked around and realized that Stacy has already boarded the Biff.

"Urrrghhh!" she grunted with frustration, stomping aboard the Perry. "Why do I always have to always go through this?!"

The two steamboats were at the starting mark, head to head.

"You're going down!" Buford declared.

"Hey, that's my line!" Candace yelled, "You stole it from me!"

"Finders keepers!" Buford taunted.

"Urghh…once this little race of theirs is over, I'll bust them for sure!" Candace muttered to herself.

From below, Baljeet was counting down, airhorn in hand. "Five….four….three…two…."

He accidentally blared the airhorn at 'two' and the steamboats zoomed off on the Mississippi, splashing water on Baljeet.

"One…"
_

(Banjo and electric guitar play in the background)

"Ridin' on the River"

(lyrics)

Steamboat racin' used to be boring back in the day

But now that we're in the 21st century

It's no longer that way!

(chorus: Oooo that way!)

We're ridin' on the King of Rivers

The Mississsippi River!

At 120 miles an hour

Twistin' and turnin', Steamin' and burnin'

It has stock-car racin' engine power!

So don't get wet and shiver

'Cause we're ridin' on the river!
'Cause we're ridin' on the river!

Crusin' along the curves and bends

As this song comes to an end

Mark Twain, eat your heart out

Just look at those steamboats and shout

That it's a…

Water-kickin', heart-thumpin'

Riverwheel-turnin', feet-stompin'

One heck of a race!

We're ridin' on the river!

Ridin' on the river!

Ridin' on the river! (River!)

Ridin' on the RIVER!